OK, don't pick on these if you think they are really SAD. I didn't come up with them anyway but they seem somewhat amusing. I'll put some up as I get them from friends' mailing lists. If you think you've got something worth a laugh, you can send them to me at 'firstname.lastname@example.org' . Nothing obscene though. Thanks.
The English did invent the English Language, but they cannot use it effectively when communicating their intentions. Just compare these few common phrases that S'poreans and Britons use to say the same thing:
Britons: I'm sorry, Sir, but we don't seem to have the sweater you want in your size, but if you give me a moment, I can call the other outlets for you.
S'poreans: No Stock!
Returning a Call...
Britons: Hello, this is John Travolta. Did anyone page for me a few moments ago?
S'poreans: Hello, who page?
When someone is in the way...
Britons: Excuse me, I'd like to get by. Would you please make way?
When someone offers to pay...
Britons: Hey, put your wallet away, this drink is on me.
Singaporeans: No-nid. (no need)
When asking for permission...
Britons: Excuse me, but do you think it would be possible for me to enter through this door?
Singaporeans: (while pointing at door) Can or Not?
Britons: Please make yourself right at home.
Singaporeans: Don't shy, leh!
When doubting someone...
Britons: I don't recall you giving me the money.
Singaporeans: Where got?
When declining an offer...
Britons: I'd prefer not to do that, if you don't mind.
Singaporeans: Doe-waaaan. (don't want)
When deciding on a plan of action...
Britons: What do you propose we do now that the movie's sold out and all the restaurants are closed?
Singaporeans: So how?
When disagreeing on a topic of discussion...
Britons: Err. Tom, I have to stop you there. I understand where you're coming from, but I really have to disagree with what you said about _________.
Singaporeans: Le siow, ah? (you mad, ha?)
2nd NATIONAL CAR:
3rd NATIONAL CAR:
Perodua Tikus. It's suppose to be half the size of the Kancil, but somehow Malaysian drivers will still be able to squeeze in 6 or 7 passengers.
NATIONAL BEHAVIOUR AT CAR SHOWROOMS:
First walk towards the car you are interested in. Then walk around the car in circles, tapping and knocking every part of the chassis with your knuckles. Then say something like "Body not very solid..." After that approach the front left tyre, give it a few hard kicks to "test" the tyre. Next walk to the rear right side and press the body of the car down a few times, while exclaiming "wah, asorbar not bad". Now you are ready for a "test drive". Get into the car and give the steering wheel a few turns. Flash the lights, sound the horn, recline the seats, open up every compartment etc. Do all these tests while you're pretending to read the brochure. Final test: get out of the car and slam the door a few times to check for "solid sound". If satisfied, approach salesman and ask "How much loan can take?"
NATIONAL RICE COOKER:
National Rice Cooker. 99% of Malaysian households use a National Rice Cooker, the other 1% don't eat rice.
NATIONAL DOG NAME:
Lucky or Poppy. Every self respecting mongrel in Malaysia who has an owner will invariably be called Poppy or Lucky.
NATIONAL BREAKFAST (ON THE WAY TO WORK):
Nasi Lemak. Who cooks and eats nasi lemak at home for breakfast?
NATIONAL BREAKFAST (AT HOME):
Maggi Mee. Also the national lunch and dinner if you're an outstation student, bachelor, neglected husband, lazy fella, etc.
NATIONAL EXCUSE FOR HAIR LOSS:
NATIONAL EXCUSE FOR BEING LATE:
None. Most Malaysians still feel embarrassed buying condoms. So they rush in to a Seven Eleven, hurriedly grab the nearest pack, any pack, pay and leave before the cashier can even blink an eye. If it's not available, Malaysians optimistically apply the other birth control method. (See below)
NATIONAL FRUIT FOR INDUCING MENSTRUATION:
NATIONAL APHRODISIAC DRINK:
Stout. Many swear by it. But after a few pints they start swearing at everything...
NATIONAL FAKE ILLNESS FOR GETTING MC - MEDICAL CERTIFICATE (MEN):
NATIONAL FAKE ILLNESS FOR GETTING MC (WOMEN):
NATIONAL EXCUSES GIVEN BY WOMEN WHEN REFUSING SEX:
Headache, kids not asleep, maid not asleep, mother in law around, early appointment, food not digested yet, air cond not cold enough, air cond too cold, nail polish not dry yet, forgot to take the pill, sleepy, stomach cramps, menstruation, haven't removed makeup, haven't showered, no water supply, going to watch "Santa Barbara", depressed, no mood, etc.
NATIONAL EXCUSES GIVEN BY MEN WHEN REFUSING SEX:
NATIONAL CURE FOR HEADACHES:
Panadol. the "cure all" for Malaysians. If it fails we have another secret weapon; Tiger Balm.
NATIONAL CURE FOR DIZZINESS:
Minyak Angin Cap Kapak.
NATIONAL CAUSE OF DIZZINESS (FOR YUPPIES):
NATIONAL INSTANT CURE FOR DIZZINESS (FOR YUPPIES):
The sight of a police road block.
NATIONAL CURE FOR DIARRHEA:
Pil 'ChiKit' Teck Aun. The miracle cure! It works. Ten minutes and you're "dried" up. Always pack some of this stuff when you're travelling.
NATIONAL CAUSE OF CONSTIPATION:
Pil 'ChiKit' Teck Aun. The pills are so tiny it's easy to swallow an extra mouthful and overdose on it. No one can help you here.
NATIONAL CURE FOR "HEATINESS":
Eno, Leng Chee Kang, Chinese Herbal Tea, Tonic Water, Barley Drink, Chin Chau.
NATIONAL PASTIME ON WEEKENDS:
Queuing up patiently at Magnum 4D shops This is very strange. On week days you'll find the same people jumping queues, elbowing the next guy at the bus stops, train stations etc.
THEORY & REALITY. The probability of you winning the first prize at a 4D game is 10000 to 1. Hard to comprehend? Imagine you're at the Merdeka Stadium and you're standing on the field facing the grandstand. There are only 10000 spectators and you have lost your car keys. One of these guys in the crowd has found your keys. I give you only one chance to pinpoint that guy. No way right?! So much for the theory. Now for the reality. Malaysians are an optimistic lot and I believe that the possibility of your lucky number coming up in a permutation is always almost 10 to 1. That is why the next morning at the kopi tiam, someone will be screaming "%#*&! Na Phui! Number Terbalik!"
NATIONAL WATCH FOR TYCOONS:
Rolex. Usually the model with the gold bracelet and diamond studded bezel.
NATIONAL WATCH FOR YUPPIES:
Tag Hauer. Every yuppie's must have "show off" accessory. Usually further down the wrist, in the palm is a tiny Motorola StarTac cellular phone. The irony is that Motorola spent much time and effort inventing a phone that can sit comfortably inside the shirt pocket.
NATIONAL WATCH FOR THE REST OF US:
Rolex, Tag Hauer, Raymond Weil or Patek Philippe from Petaling Street i.e. cheap imitations.
NATIONAL FORMULA ONE DRIVERS:
Mini Bus Drivers.
NATIONAL RUBBISH DUMP:
Anywhere. As long as it is not your house.
NATIONAL FINANCE COMPANY:
Kedai Pajak Gadai (Pawn Shop). My Tag Hauer is now proudly on display there.
NATIONAL SNACK WHEN WATCHING A MOVIE:
Smelly cuttlefish (during the trailers), Kua chee (during the movie).
NATIONAL PLACES FOR SMOOCHING:
Lake Gardens, cinemas and reservoirs.
NATIONAL PLACES FOR PEEPING TOMS:
Lake Gardens, cinemas and reservoirs
NATIONAL JAGA KERETA:
Wilson (parking lot operator).
NATIONAL MOST MISPRONOUNCED NAME:
Carrefour Sometimes even pronounced as Carry 4!
NATIONAL ANTHEM OF PETALING STREET:
"Lemon Tree". Natural successor "Barbie Girl".
Jalan Tun Razak On a short stretch there's the National Theatre, National Heart Institute and the National Library.
NATIONAL BEHAVIOUR AT ANNUAL DINNERS:
Attacking the Balloons. This one I can never figure out. When the balloons are dropped from the ballroom's ceiling, grown men in tuxedos, women, children, even the waiters will attack the balloons like savages. They squash and stomp on the balloons ferociously until not one single inflated balloon is left. They take no prisoners. They then quietly march out of the ballroom like victorious soldiers leaving behind a trail of death and destruction. Animals!
Stick Two Fingers. Another one which I can't figure out. When you're having your picture taken, the friend behind you will always place two "horns" on your head.
KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.
PLATO: For the greater good.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.
TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.
SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
RONALD REAGAN: I forget.
BILL CLINTON: I did not, I did not, I did not ... hey, that's a great set of chicken breasts.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.
ANDERSEN CONSULTING: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.
LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.
MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"
FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.
OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.
EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road .. it transcended it.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.
COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?
V'Ger: To join with the Creator.
Picard: That's not for us to answer! It's his fundamental right as a sentient being to determine the time and manner by which he travels towards his goals!
Dr. Soran: His heart just wasn't in it. (Scenes of chicken torture with nanoprobes have been edited out.)
Chakotay: Whatever its reason, whatever its goals, we should respect its right to cross the road and seek its own spiritual awareness.
Neelix: Actually, Captain, I'm not really familiar with the chickens in this system. But--if you can catch it, I can cook it.
Troi: It was running...running away from...no, escaping...oh, Captain, it was fleeing from such -pain-!
Garak: To get to the other side? Of course not! Do you realize how ridiculous that is? I'm sure it was a simple matter of its farmer expelling it from the coop for...embezzling eggs.
Odo: I don't have the slightest idea--and I don't particularly care...but then, I've never understood you ornithoids' need to engage in such pointless behavior.
Quark: Now really, why would I have bribed him to do it so I could make a tidy profit in the station pool? Besides, all I know is that chicken tastes just like tube grubs.
Q: Wouldn't you like to know? Too bad your puny human brain wouldn't be able to comprehend the answer.
O'Brien: Well, it's nothing a good pint or two won't fix.
Uhura: Shall I open hailing frequencies so you can ask it, sir?
Sulu: To get back to San Franciso; it was born there.
Kira: I bet those [BEEP] Cardassians were after it!
Dr. Bashir: I suppose it wanted to play some darts with me. Do you want to play?
The Grand Nagus: Stupid chicken! You don't cross the road all at once! You sneak across it quietly, without anyone noticing! (Inconceivable!)
Sisko: I don't care -why- it was crossing the road! All I want to know is -why- it left the coop! So it wanted to "get to the other side"--there is only -so far- that my tolerance will go!
Barclay: Uh, chicken?!! Where?!!! C-c-c-ommander, did I ever mention my problem with small feathered things?
Gul Dukat: Well, that's a very interesting question...I'm sure we can work out some kind of arrangement to obtain that information that will be to everyone's satisfaction.
The Borg: Crossing the road is irrelevant. The chicken will be assimilated.
Hugh the Borg: Maybe it wanted to be my friend.
Geordi: Well, wherever it's going, I'm sure it'll be there in an hour or two--but any later, and it'll be absolutely impossible for it to make it.
Kes: It was remembering back to the times when its ancestors crossed roads all the time! They lost those abilities because they stopped using them!
Wesley: I'm not sure, but I can figure it out if I reroute these systems and reconfigure the warp field and run a complete internal whootchacallit on the computers and...
B'Elanna: I'm sure it felt suffocated by all the [BEEP] regulations of [BEEP] Starfleet and just couldn't stand it any [BEEP] longer!
Worf: I don't know. KLINGON chickens do NOT cross roads.
Spock: Fasincating, Captain, it seems driven by a beam of pure energy.
HoloDoc: How should I know? No one tells me anything around here! I didn't even know we added chickens to the crew! All I know is that it would have been nice, BEFORE the chicken went off to the cross the road, if it had remembered to turn me off!
Data: The chicken, in observing that it was on the opposite side of the 20th century Terran paved roadway, was aware that its immediate goal should have been to traverse the distance without interception by an kind of combustion-propelled personal transport vehicle, but I am unclear as to why any kind of domesticated fowl should desire to perambulate upon aconveyance normally reserved for the usage of...(Picard: Data!)...yes, sir.
Sarek: Sometimes my logic fails me where chickens are concerned.
Dax: To get to the other side. Kurzon might have disagreed with me, Tobin I'm sure wouldn't have had a clue, and then there's...
Tuvok: That's not a question we'd prefer to hear from a senior officer. It makes the junior officers nervous.
Dr. Crusher: Maybe since he couldn't make the other side to get to him, -he- had to get to the other side....
Scotty: Because she couldna take much morrrrrre.
Charlie X: Because it didn't want to STAY...STAY...STAY...
Kirk: He probably just wanted... A PIECE OF THE ACTION!
Bones: Dammit, Jim, I'm a doctor, not an ornithologist!
Chekov: Vhat on earth do you mean, keptin?
Khan: With my last breath I spit at the chicken...
Harry: I don't know, it's my first mission.
Paris: Well, I think that...say, that's a lovely shirt you're wearing.
Harvey Mudd: Chicken? I don't remember any chicken. No no no, there's been a terrible misunderstanding.
Nurse Chapel: Oh, Spock, I fixed you your favorite Vulcan plomeek and chicken soup!
Lwaxana: Oh, Jean-Luc!
Janeway: Its primary goal was no doubt to get back to the Alpha Quadrant...and it probably misses its dog.
Computer: Accessing. . . A phrase common in the early to late twentieth century, also known as a 'joke'. The most common answer to such a question was 'To get to the other side'.
2. They told me at the blood bank this might happen.
3. This is just a 15-minute power nap like they raved about in that time-management course you sent me to.
4. I was working smarter -- not harder.
5. Whew! I musta left the top off the liquid paper.
6. I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!
7. This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!
8. I was testing the keyboard for drool-resistance.
9. I'm actually doing a Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan (SLEEP). I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made us attend.
10. This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!
11. I was doing a highly specific yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress.
12. Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.
13. The coffee machine is broken...
14. Wasn't sleeping. Was trying to pick up contact lens without hands.
15. The mailman flipped out and pulled a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot.
Link to more jokes and such:
More Humour Page.
Last updated: 12th May 1998.