Title: Silicon Knights
Author: Moonshayde
Season: Post S10
Category: Humor
Spoilers: Ori storyarc
Pairing/Character: Team
Summary: Jack oversees SG-1's latest project against the
Ori.
Warnings: None
Word Count: 2483
Rating: PG
A/N: Sadly, it's not my tightest story thematically, but it
was good fun. Thanks to <lj user="beanpot"> for the beta.
Disclaimer:
Stargate, Stargate SG-1 and all of its characters, titles, names, and
back-story are the property of MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, Gekko
Productions, SciFi Channel, and Showtime/Viacom. All other characters, the
story idea and the story itself are the sole property of the author. This story
cannot be printed anywhere without the sole permission of the author. Realize this is for entertainment purposes
only; no financial gain or profit has been gained from this fiction. This story
is not meant to be an infringement on the rights of the above-mentioned
establishments
He just knew this was going
to be better than Monty Python.
Jack relaxed into the chair
that sat on the sidelines of the training room, quietly observing SG-1 as they
took their positions. Mitchell, Vala, Daniel, and Teal'c stood single file, all
holding swords in their hands, though acting remarkably well behaved for the
occasion. Carter, on the other hand, fidgeted in front of them, rocking back
and forth on her heels, while clutching a remote that Jack guessed controlled
the pedestal behind her.
Jack glanced down at his
watch. He wondered just how long this would take before everything went to hell
in a hand basket.
He heard a shuffling. Jack
glanced up and saw the five of them staring at him.
He waved his hand. "Go
on, Carter."
She nodded. "As you
know, I've been working extensively on refitting the holographic technology
we've acquired." Carter glanced behind her, pointing the remote to the
pedestal as if they hadn't already guessed its function. "I've altered the
Ancient programming found in Glastonbury and Camelot and spliced it with Asgard
hologram technology to create a simulation that we can use for hands-on
practice in the event we have to engage the Ori crusaders on enemy turf."
Jack glanced over to the
rest of SG-1. Daniel had taken to wiggling the blade in front of his face,
testing its integrity, while Mitchell clutched his sword with the kind of
anticipation that made him look like a five year old. At least Teal'c held it
together, standing with the smug smile he'd perfected over the years.
Vala clacked her gum.
"As you know, you're
holding a blunted fighting stick," Carter continued. "The hologram
simulates the look, feel, and sound of a sword." She paused, grabbing the
stick-sword by her feet, and turned to the pedestal, hitting it with a clang.
She smiled.
Daniel frowned and brought
the sword to his face to inspect it. He
dipped it down and eyed Carter with suspicion. "So, they hurt?"
Vala leaned into Daniel,
bringing her arm around his shoulder, and dangled her own sword behind him.
"They can't be all that bad if they're only holograms." She eyed it
once more before flicking her wrist and giving Daniel a good smack on the ass.
"Ow!" He jumped
and stumbled forward, non-discretely reaching behind his back.
Mitchell let out a loud
laugh. "Authentic."
Daniel shot Mitchell a quick
glare and rubbed the small of his back. "Vala!"
"What?" Vala
blinked. Without a pause, she turned and smiled at Carter. "Fabulous
work."
Carter gave an uneasy smile.
"They may sting a bit."
Daniel glared at her, but
had enough sense not to say a word. Though, Jack had the sneaking suspicion
that those little suckers had the potential to pack an even greater punch if
Carter tuned them right.
"Are you up for
demonstration, sir?"
Jack gave her a half-shrug.
"That's why I'm here."
She nodded and raised her
eyebrows as she addressed the rest of SG-1. "Any volunteers?"
Mitchell immediately stepped
forward. "Okay, so who wants a piece of me?"
Jack said nothing as he
watched Mitchell wait for his combatant. He already knew how this was going to
end. Daniel was too busy eyeing Vala, making sure she didn't try any sneak
attacks. Vala kept nudging Teal'c in the back, urging him toward Mitchell.
Carter stood in front of them, having already abandoned her sword, which she
had placed back on the ground by her feet.
Finally, Teal'c stepped
forward. "I shall engage you in combat, Colonel Mitchell."
Jack grinned. "Oh, this
should be good."
Mitchell and Teal'c stepped
forward and assumed battle stances. Jack could tell Mitchell had done this
before, though Jack could also tell Teal'c was going to give him a run for his
money. The two circled each other, swords drawn, waiting for the right
opportunity. Mitchell lost patience and struck first, cutting through the air.
Teal'c sidestepped and swung out, nearly connecting with Mitchell's back, but
Mitchell was quick and dropped to his knees. He rolled and jumped up, bringing
his sword to connect with Teal'c's.
Jack arched his eyebrows.
Either they'd been practicing, or they'd been breaking out the scifi movies
again.
Whatever got the job done,
he supposed, but he couldn't help but notice more than half of SG-1 were doing
squat.
He cleared his throat and
stared at Daniel.
Daniel bristled.
"What?"
"Oh, you know
what."
"You just want to see
me fall."
Jack put his hand to his
heart, but his lips curled into a smile. "Me? Never."
Daniel rolled his eyes, but
to his credit, took a step forward. "You know, swordsmanship is an
entirely different art than hand-to-hand. It takes a lot of skill and practice
and a certain finesse."
Jack motioned with his hand
for Daniel to get on with it. "I know."
"And it's not the same
as shooting a gun."
"For cryin' out
loud," Jack muttered. "I know, Daniel."
After taking a deep breath,
Daniel slid into a defensive position. "Okay, I—"
Vala wasted no time. She
came at him in a rush, leaping at Daniel in a way that reminded Jack of a cross
between a skilled veteran and a crazed Halloween psycho. The two clashed, each
one struggling to stay dominant, while hopping, slashing, and muttering with
each hit.
Jack said nothing as he
watched the alternating sloppiness of Daniel and Vala compared to the sheer
coordinated aggression coming from Teal'c and Mitchell. With a sigh, he leaned
his elbow on the arm of the chair and rested his chin in the palm of his hand.
He was spending his weekend
watching people play make believe. Perfect.
He surveyed the room,
passing the dueling foursome, his gaze settling on Carter's sword. "I fail
to see you join in the fun, Carter."
She gave another uneasy
smile. "Supervising."
Of course she was.
Jack glanced at his watch
before he turned to Carter and pointed to the pedestal. She gave him a nod and shut it down. Teal'c
and Mitchell stopped and stared at their swords-now-sticks, whereas Daniel and
Vala had abandoned their sword fighting altogether and had taken to pummeling
the living crap out of each other. When the room fell quiet, they stopped and
brushed themselves off.
"Aw, hey,"
Mitchell said. "I was winning."
Teal'c arched his eyebrow.
"I do not believe that is the case, Colonel Mitchell."
Jack fought to roll his
eyes. If they ever were to engage the Ori followers looking like this, they
were screwed.
"Now, here's a
thought," Jack said. "Why don't we just shoot them?"
Daniel went to open his
mouth, but Jack raised his hand. "Don't. None of this cultural
stuff."
"I didn't say
anything."
"But you were thinking
it," Jack said.
Daniel's face pruned in that
way whenever he was about to leap into an argument, so Jack decided he should
just cut to the chase. "Look," he said. "This isn't going to get
us anywhere. We all know the Ori crusaders rely on those energy-stick
things." He turned to Carter. "Can't you whip up one of those? Or at
least something that's going to pack a punch?"
Carter's face darkened.
"General Landry gave me full authority to oversee this project."
"I know. I gave him the
authority to do so." Jack glanced at the sticks and sighed. "Carter,
we need something more realistic here."
"Actually," Daniel
said, "it might be more realistic if we were wearing armor."
Jack scowled. "Don't
give her ideas."
Carter stopped and seemed to
ponder the suggestion, but then shook her head. "Sir, you know as well as
I do that it's imperative to know the enemy."
"And the societies that
we've encountered have a strong leaning toward feudalism," Daniel added
quickly. "Sword fighting is part of their culture."
"I've witnessed many of
their techniques," Vala said. "If we can master their own skills, we
could undermine their capabilities."
Dammit. He knew Carter and
Daniel would tag-team him. He hadn't expected Vala to jump on board with them.
"All right, then,"
Jack said. "Show me what you can do."
"General O'Neill's
right," Mitchell said. "Enough with the child's play. Let's up these
babies and fight like real men." When Carter and Vala stirred, he coughed.
"And ladies," he added.
"I believe you have had
sufficient fun for today, Colonel Mitchell."
"Come on. I'm an ol'
pro." He swept the stick in a large, melodramatic arc. "I took on
knights in both Glastonbury and Camelot."
"Yeah, and we all know
how that went," Daniel muttered.
Mitchell gave him a pointed
look before he raised his stick. "Come on, Sam. Bring it up. Me and
Teal'c. Right now."
Jack gave Carter the okay
with a nod of his head. With a pop, the simulation started again. Mitchell
inhaled and exhaled, shrugged his shoulders, and settled into the ready
position. When Teal'c moved to strike, Mitchell countered, their swords
colliding with a loud ring. Mitchell jumped back and assumed a middle posture
while Teal'c came in with his sword raised.
For a second, Jack thought
Mitchell was going to strike Teal'c right in the abdomen. But Teal'c was a
crafty one, and ducked, leaning back and sweeping his sword upward.
Mitchell broke the graceful
arc and pushed down. The swords kept the two immobile, locked as they used
their own might to fight for dominance. Teal'c had the obvious advantage and
quickly overpowered Mitchell with his strength. Breathless, Mitchell stumbled
back, his eyes widening when he saw Teal'c sweeping the sword like a weed
whacker, cutting back and forth, one hand behind his back.
"Oh, come on!"
Mitchell shouted.
Parry, thrust. Parry,
thrust. Teal'c continued to herd Mitchell backwards, leaving him to rely on his
quickness and agility. Jack could have sworn he'd seen this movie before.
As they battled, he vaguely
wondered if all that Sodan training that Mitchell went through would be of any
use in a direct confrontation with the Ori followers.
Teal'c hit him square in the
chest.
Maybe not.
The rest of SG-1 watched
Mitchell go down with a thump. Quickly, Carter shut down the simulation and
trotted to his side, checking his vitals.
"He'll be okay,"
she called out. "He's just stunned."
Teal'c lifted his head,
smiling as Mitchell shook off the shock. "You have been defeated."
"Don't go all Star Wars
on me." Mitchell wiped his mouth. "You just got lucky."
"Seems to me you could
use some of that luck," Vala said.
"No comments from the
peanut gallery," Mitchell muttered.
Jack grabbed Mitchell's hand
and pulled him to his feet. "Well, that was fun. I give it two
enthusiastic thumbs up for quality entertainment."
Carter grinned. "That's
great, sir. Why don't you come try?"
"I'm trying to quit,
thanks."
"I think you're
chicken," Daniel said.
Jack raised his eyebrows.
"And I think you're never going back to Atlantis."
That wiped the smugness of
Daniel's face. Though as amusing as toying with Daniel was, it wasn't going to
win any battles with the Ori or help them engage with their crusaders. So far,
all Carter had been able to show him was that SG-1 could play with pretend
swords, and they weren't even good at it. Jack wasn't about to continue to
authorize funding for a project that could get them all killed.
"While this has been
entertaining, I can't give my approval on a project that doesn't have any
potential." Jack rose from the chair and started toward the door.
"Call me when you have something."
"But, sir!"
He stopped and looked back.
Carter intercepted him and plastered her hand against the door.
Subtle.
"I'm sorry, Carter. As
much as I'd love to let you and everyone else play mad scientist, I can't. I
have a job to do."
"I understand. But you
haven't even tried." She looked back at the pedestal. "Before you
make a decision, you should at least try it."
He glanced at the rest of
SG-1. They all remained silent as they waited for his answer. While none of
them spoke in Carter's defense, he could tell where their loyalties lied.
Jack sighed. "Fine.
What do I do?"
Carter jogged back to the
pedestal, grabbed her stick, and hurried back to his side. "Just treat the
stick like a sword. I can calibrate the settings to have you fight a
holographic knight, or you could duel with one of us."
He shot a look over at the
team again. Teal'c was grinning, holding his sword to his chest.
Jack grabbed her stick.
"I'll fight the knight."
Sam dug out her remote,
tapped a few buttons, and before long the image of an impressive black knight
stood in front of him. The knight positioned himself to a battle ready pose,
almost taunting Jack to get over there and be done with it.
"I can set it to a low
frequency," Carter said.
He shot her a quick glare.
"I can handle it." Jack took slow, deliberate steps toward the
knight.
Besides, it couldn't be that
hard. The thing was just a hologram.
* * *
*
Jack said nothing as the
medical staff wheeled him out of the training room on a stretcher. In between
the looming faces of his old team, he saw a few confused airmen watch him as he
was swept away to the infirmary. Probably wondering what SG-1 had done this
time.
"I'm really sorry,
sir," Carter said, hovering over him. "I should have made sure it was
on a lower setting."
Jack waved her away. It's
not like he needed that leg anyway.
"I'm sure you'll get
feeling back." Vala grimaced. "Eventually."
"And if anything, now
you know Sam's project packed that 'punch' you were searching for."
Jack turned his head.
"Why thank you, Daniel. Your concern overwhelms me."
Daniel cringed, but came to
give him a pat on the shoulder anyway. Not that Jack could feel his
shoulder, but it was the thought that counted. Though, the odd stares he kept
receiving made Jack believe he could do without the five-team escort.
Make that six.
"Ah, just the man I've
been looking for." Landry grinned down at Jack. "You've seen Carter's
latest project, I take it."
"Oh yeah."
"I knew you'd like
it," Landry said.
"Like is such a strong
word." He winced. "Here's an idea. Make me some combat swords that
pack a punch like that and we'll talk."
"You mean like fancy
laser swords?" Mitchell asked.
"Yeah, something like
that." He groaned, noting the infirmary loomed ahead. He had so not missed
that place.
He could already see the
doctors were waiting to bring him inside. Ready to poke him, no doubt. As they
prepared to steer him in, he turned his head and caught Teal'c's eye.
"Hey, T. Those
lightsabers of yours?" He grinned. "You might just get them after
all."
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