Title: Letting Go
Author: Moonshayde
Season: Five
Category: Episode Tag for Desperate Measures, Drama
Spoilers: Desperate Measures
Pairing/Character: Sam/Jack friendship
Summary: Sam and Jack come to terms with what happened with
Adrian Conrad.
Warnings: None
Rating: PG
Author's Notes: I
just wanted to add a little more friendship into the fold.
Disclaimer:
Stargate, Stargate SG-1 and all of its characters, titles, names, and
back-story are the property of MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, Gekko Productions,
SciFi Channel, and Showtime/Viacom. All other characters, the story idea and
the story itself are the sole property of the author. This story cannot be
printed anywhere without the sole permission of the author. Realize this is for entertainment purposes
only; no financial gain or profit has been gained from this fiction. This story
is not meant to be an infringement on the rights of the above-mentioned
establishments
Sam hesitated by the door,
unsure if she should proceed. Colonel O'Neill appeared to be asleep – if his
open mouth and slack jaw were any indication – and he had a couple of machines
monitoring his vitals. Peaceful wouldn't be the word she would use to describe
him, but she didn't want to disturb him nonetheless.
This had been her fault.
"Are you just going to
stand there all day?" he asked, surprising her. He'd opened his eyes and
was watching her, though his face was unreadable, leaving Sam feeling just as
uneasy as when she'd first entered the room. Her gaze fell to the stand by his
bed that was stacked with books.
"They're not
mine," O'Neill said with a sigh. "Daniel feels the need to come by
every hour to read to me."
Sam bit back the urge to
smile as she finally made her way inside the room. This was only her second
time visiting him since they'd returned to the SGC. She had wanted to give him
space and some time to heal and recuperate. Though, just based on the amount of
material piled by the bedside, she knew that Daniel must have been here
numerous times.
She picked up one of the
books. Symbolism in the Fourth Dynasty. With a half-smile and a
half-grimace, Sam held up the book, waggling it to get the colonel's attention.
"Shoot me now," he
mumbled, wincing as he shifted his arm. "Again."
Sam chuckled and put the
book back. "If it's bothering you, why not just tell Daniel? I'm sure
he'll back off and give you some space."
O'Neill just rolled his
eyes. "Since when does Daniel listen without putting up a fight?" He
glanced over to the pile of books and gave them a dismissive hand wave.
"They put me to sleep anyway."
Sam nodded, turning her head
away from him so that he couldn't see how amused she was over the whole thing.
She seriously doubted that he was hell bent against any company whatsoever, but
she wasn't going to call him on it. Instead, she eased herself into the chair
by his bedside.
"How are you
feeling?" she asked.
"Oh, like I've been
shot."
She grimaced and looked down
at her hands.
"Relax, Carter,"
she heard him say. "It's not your fault. I've been shot before
anyway."
She wished she could absolve
all fault in what had happened. But there was a part of Sam that couldn't let
go. She always had this drive to be better, to push that extra mile, to be
more. She wasn't even sure why. But it was there, and it was undeniable.
Which made any fault or loss
feel like an insult, a failure. Part of her felt that she should have been
stronger so that she could have foreseen the danger and spared everyone else.
She couldn't abide any sign of weakness, whether it was physical or emotional.
She couldn't come to terms with it. Not when she had to fight in a man's world.
There was another part of
her that tried to listen to reason. She knew that there was nothing she could
have done. She had tried all that she could. Maybe that's what bothered her the
most. Or maybe it was because she had come so close…
She set her jaw, chastising
herself for letting her thoughts get the better of her. She only remembered
that she wasn't alone in the room when she felt O'Neill's eyes on her.
His lips were tight, face
stony, with a hard, tetchy quality to his eyes. Yet, remarkably, they were also
soft, concerned, and he seemed to teeter on the edge of wanting to say
something, but unable to do so.
She could read beyond the
contradiction in his face, touching upon part of the root of his mixed
emotions. She felt them. She knew Daniel and Teal'c felt them as well.
They had almost come too
late. She almost hadn't made it.
And now they were dealing
with that reality.
"Don't," Colonel
O'Neill said, his voice firm and his gaze unwavering. "Just don't."
But Sam couldn't. Not this
time. "Sir…"
"Drop it, Carter. Just
let it go."
She twisted her fingers and
winced, still overcome by the images of being tied down, knowing that if she
didn't act fast she would likely die. She could still taste her fear and feel
the adrenaline as it pumped through her blood, propelling her forward. And yet,
no matter what she did, it didn't matter. She couldn't escape.
O'Neill was still gazing at
her. There wasn't just sympathy there, lurking in his face, but genuine
compassion. He understood.
"It's over. It
happened," he said. "You're all right. Everything worked out fine.
Sometimes you just have to let it go."
Sam nodded, feeling some of
the tension start to melt away. The images remained, as well as the shame, but
when she studied her commanding officer's face, she could read the confidence
there, the unspoken support. Colonel O'Neill believed in her.
Sam found herself smiling,
her first authentic smile since they'd returned from Adrian Conrad's hideaway.
"Thanks, sir."
"Good," he said,
appearing more lively already. "Now, see if you can find Teal'c before
Daniel gets back here. I need my Gameboy as a distraction before I have to
learn about…" He grabbed a book and glanced at the title. "Babylonian
counting systems."
She chuckled, watching
O'Neill groan as he tossed the book back on the stand. "Yes, sir."
She made her way back to the door, stopping to pause and sneak a glance back
toward O'Neill. He was watching her, the corners of his mouth still turned
upward, his eyes soft and forgiving.
She knew she could count on
him. She knew she had Daniel and Teal'c as well. Maybe that's all she needed
right now.
It would take some time, but
that didn't seem to matter much anymore. In the end, she knew she'd be okay.
And that was the greatest
lesson Colonel O'Neill could ever teach her.
Return to Scribal
Traditions (the Main Fanfic Page)