It
started with voices. Distant, muttering voices.
So
much noise, jumbled, pulling him in all directions…the passengers of the
Stromos, all fighting to be heard…
No.
Different. Ancient. So long ago…Kemsa. Greyka. Sadji…Whispering voices,
soothing him, urging him to understand, to accept and become…
He
shook. His own. He was his own.
Self-preservation.
The
voices were relentless.
Quiet.
Silence. He wished nothing more. He pushed against them, rising above them, fighting
for clarity, enough to be heard, enough to gain control and work under the
surface…
But
more voices…pulling him, bringing him awareness…
No,
fight it…He couldn't be distracted. He had too much to do…too much…
"Sir,
I think he's coming around."
Daniel
moaned softly, opening his eyes carefully. Blobs of green and black blurred in
front of his vision, off set by the dancing white lights that bobbled above
him. Vaguely, they reminded him of something. The stark contrast of light and
dark. But painful. The dark held more comfort.
Slowly,
Daniel closed his eyes.
"Hey,
you wanna get the Doc over here?"
Voices…the
lights. They reminded him of Las Vegas. That time when…Jack.
Jack.
That sounded like Jack. Jack was here? Within him? Tangled in the voices that
clouded his mind?
Grunting,
Daniel willed his eyes open. The blobs were sharpening, drawing themselves into
focus, and attempting to constitute human form. But just when Daniel thought
they would jell into something of substance, they would distort, and meld into
the background once again.
He
concentrated hard, squinting with the intent of forcing them to be clear as he
struggled to sit up, pulling his body weight forward. He regretted it
instantly. The white, green, and black started to whirl together into one, like
paint smeared randomly across a wall.
Not
to mention the newly found throbbing that pounded at his skull.
It
was all a blur. His mind, his vision,
his memory. And beyond that, the inexplicable ache of loneliness that caused
him to tremble.
Why
was everything so hazy?
That
feeling of numbness…of contentment. He had to fight it. He had to stay aware.
"Hey,
easy."
Now,
that was Janet. Why was Janet here?
Daniel
felt himself lowered back down. Before he had a chance to try to refocus, there
was a burning flash in his eyes. He
winced, swatting Janet away.
"See?"
Jack said. "I told you those pen lights are useless."
Janet
just ignored the comment. "How are you feeling?" she asked Daniel.
Uh…he
had to actually think about that one. He didn't know. It all felt so strange.
He felt as if he were detached, separate from himself. He was vaguely aware
that he was involved in something important and it tickled the back of his
mind, taunting him relentlessly.
Irritated.
Anxious. But he also felt surprising light, like something had been taken away
from him, or like he'd lost some vital organ.
Frowning,
he slipped his hand down his side, pressing at the faint scar from his
appendectomy. No…
"Con-confused,"
he stammered, wincing painfully at the soreness in his throat.
"Your
throat hurt?" she asked him gently.
He
found he couldn't answer. His confusion was too great, forcing him to retreat
into his thoughts as he attempted to make sense of everything.
An
illusion? None of this could be real. It had to be another trick, a way to try
to break down his defenses. He wouldn't be fooled. He wouldn't crack. He had to
keep fighting, keep persuading. He couldn't lose concentration now.
"No,
no. I need you to keep your eyes open," Janet urged him. "I think the
remnants of the nishta-like substance and the toxin in his system may be
affecting his ability to stay focused," he heard her say, her voice seeming
far and distant. A squeeze to his arm brought him back to partial awareness.
"I just have to ask you a few questions, okay?" she asked.
Despite
his confusion, Daniel found himself nodding to the small blob beside him.
Questions?
Daniel had so many questions. They wouldn't distract him. But he had to stay
persistent.
"Can
you tell me your name?"
I
can't do this,
he thought. I need to be left alone. I need to concentrate. I need to work.
"Why?"
Daniel asked hoarsely.
"Because
she asked you, that's why," Jack said from somewhere to his left.
"So, just play nice."
"Your
name, please," Janet prodded gently.
He
sighed again. Closing his eyes, he tried to will the pain away, wishing he
could silence the noise buzzing all around him, and just drift off to peaceful
oblivion. There, he could think. There, he could work.
He
was roused by the touch of a hand on his forearm.
"Hey,"
Janet said gently, "I need you to stay with me for a minute, okay?"
Daniel
nodded groggily, biting his lips as each bob brought on another stab of pain.
"Daniel
Jackson."
"Okay,"
Janet said. "Birth—"
Daniel
leaned his head back, squeezing his eyes shut, blocking them out. He felt so dizzy, so out of place,
so…irritable. He couldn't really explain why. But the fact that he didn't know
what was bothering him was bothering him even more.
"Daniel,
I need you to stay with us a little longer," Janet urged gently.
"No,
shh, I promised…" he found himself muttering.
"Daniel,
I need you to open your eyes and answer some more questions," Janet
continued. "Not much longer, okay?"
"Just
hold on a little longer…" he muttered.
They
were there…trying to convince him otherwise. He would not fall for it. He knew what was happening. Did they know?
Did they know what he was planning?
Quiet.
Silence.
"Do
you know where you are?" Janet asked him.
Where?
Huh?
Then,
it dawned on him. He actually wasn't really sure where he was. He assumed it
was the SGC. It had to be the SGC. But was he really in the infirmary?
SGC?
Egypt? P9R-139?
Daniel
gasped, as clarity started to burn away the fog. Feeling the panic starting to
fight its way to the surface, he searched the room. What was going on?
"Daniel?"
Sam asked. "You okay?"
"I-I—Where-where
am I?" He struggled for air, ignoring the burning in his throat. He needed
to keep in control. He needed to fight beyond the illusions. "What kind of
trick is this? What—you—?"
"No
trick, Daniel," Jack said quietly. "This is real."
"Real?"
Daniel was uncertain. Everything felt so real.
It couldn't be. "Why?" he asked. So alone. Why did he feel so
alone? "Why are you here?"
Sam
touched him again, rubbing his arm lightly. He did not flinch, comforted by the
soothing motion.
Real.
She felt real.
"I
know you're going through a lot," she said softly. "Whatever I can
do—"
"What?"
he asked, his voice trembling. He shook
his head, shifting uncomfortably. "No. No. I'm in control."
He
heard Jack. "Dan—"
Daniel
shook his head, squeezing his eyes shut.
His head felt as if it would explode, the throbbing was so intense. He
needed the silence. He needed to hold on.
Time was running out…
He
didn't want to see that face grinning back at him, teasing him with thoughts
and ideals that would only lead to ruin.
"Daniel,"
Jack said sternly. "Stay with us."
Struggling
to find solace, Daniel tried to curl in on himself, to push away
everything. Everything…
Self-preservation.
Sucking
in a raspy breath, he found himself stammering. "Dream?"
Silence
was his only reply.
"Not
a dream?" he ventured anxiously.
"Not
a dream," Jack replied in a low voice.
Oh
God…
"No!"
he shouted, lashing out. "Get it out! Get away from me!"
He
was there, taunting him. Offering his knowledge and false promises. Offering Daniel
anything he wanted. Anything Daniel could dream, could be his. He offered the
security, the solace Daniel had been seeking for so long. They'd walk this road
together…
Biting
his lip, Daniel screwed his eyes shut until they hurt, ignoring the concerned
voices that were floating all around him.
"We
are your friends, DanielJackson," Teal'c said softly. "We will remain
by your side until you are well once again."
Such
warmth…such compassion. It battled the hurt, the scars within him.
He
didn't deserve such compassion.
Daniel
clenched his fists, his panic mixing with anger. Outraged, his thoughts turned to violation, betrayal, pain…He
felt it surging forward, crying to be heard along with the other emotions and
feelings—oppression, sadness, guilt, helplessness, regret—that he had felt
during his struggle.
It
was all real. All of it.
"Where
is he!" Daniel cried, straining his voice, as he attempted to charge out
of the bed. "Where!"
Before
he could utter another word, he was forced down and held into place. Daniel
swallowed hard, practicing the breathing exercises he'd learned during his
meditations and tried to relax, feeling the warmth of Tealc's hands on his
skin.
Where
was he…where was he…had he won?
"Gone,
Daniel," Sam said softly, sounding as if she might cry. "Thoth is
gone now."
Gone.
It was over. It was finally over.
He
knew the tears would fall one by one. Embarrassed, Daniel inhaled sharply,
forcing them back, chastising himself for appearing so weak. Why was he so pathetic?
He hated this feeling. He hated Thoth for what he had done to him. Damn his own
weakness, his own insecurity.
No.
He was strong. He had made it through.
But
what was the price? Had he lost himself along the way? Had the time he
struggled to reclaim himself and his memories all been for naught?
Why
was he feeling this way? Thoth was gone. It was over. Self-preservation, he
told himself. Relief? Regret? Mourning?
That
last thought sent a chill down his spine, leaving him feeling cold, empty, and
alone.
"Daniel?"
Sam started, apprehensively.
He
refused to look at her. Any of them.
"Go
away," he mumbled hoarsely, ignoring the soreness in his throat, closing
his eyes.
Daniel
jerked, feeling warmth on his cheeks as his glasses were slipped onto his nose.
He blinked a couple of times, surprised to see Sam right in his face. Shocked,
he pulled back, his eyelashes fluttering rapidly.
"A
little space, Major?" Jack stated.
"Sorry,
sir." She smiled sheepishly, stepping away from Daniel. "Sorry,"
she told him.
He
forced a smile, partly thankful for his glasses but…
Maybe
he could just stay blinded. That way he wouldn't be forced to see the
sympathetic faces of his friends.
Look
at them. Sam looked as if she would cry. Janet hovered by his side, watching
him like a hawk. Teal'c stood stoic and impassive, but Daniel could see beyond
the mask he wore. And Jack?
Jack
stared at him.
Ashamed,
he looked away.
"Colonel
O'Neill, I need to have a word with you."
Daniel
opened his eyes cautiously, watching with vague interest as his teammates
turned to face the door. Daniel had instantly recognized the gravity in General
Hammond's voice, noting the same emotions had registered in the faces of his
friends.
Daniel
found he just didn't care.
Grabbing
the bed sheets, he covered himself, creating a wall between him and the outside
world. He couldn't face them. Not yet, anyway. Not after all that had happened.
"Uh,
General…"
"It's
all right, sir, I'll stay with him," Sam said softly to Jack.
"Actually,
Major, I would like to see you as well. All of you."
Daniel
could hear through the silence, suddenly feeling even more alone. He was once
again the outcast, the outsider, separated and alone, like so many times
before…
It
was silly. He shouldn't feel this way. He knew better. He knew, as he had
gained his memories back, he belonged here. He knew that this was his home.
Angry,
he balled his fists. What had Thoth done to him?
"With
all due respect, sir, I don't—" Janet had begun.
"Then
I will remain with DanielJackson."
No
one seemed to argue against Teal'c.
Daniel
swore, listening as the others left the room, whispering right outside the
door.
Of
all people to remain behind…
Maybe
this wasn't real.
It was
real. With a sigh, Daniel knew he couldn't deny it. As the memories started to
loosen, and focus, he knew that he'd have to face what he'd done and what had
happened to him. He didn't want to deal with this. He didn't want to have to
tackle the guilt and the unrest. He didn't want to have to relive the feeling
of being trapped, unable to speak no matter how hard he shouted, no matter how
hard he concentrated.
At
first, he had been detached, numb… relaxed. Daniel fought against it, but would
always succumb. He felt as he if he was flung deeper and deeper, further away
from himself.
But
not entirely…
Then,
he had been aware…that last day, he could see and feel everything, but felt
powerless to stop it. He'd been there for everything. He just couldn't cope…
Daniel
allowed himself a moment to weep, his sobs muffled in his shirtsleeve. In the
distance, he could hear his friends talking, and he caught snippets of the
conversation. They were discussing his state of mind, the guilt, something
about Selmak and brain scans, and what happened in his office.
God,
his office.
How
could he ever live knowing what happened to Teal'c?
Daniel
jerked sharply, attempting to focus his vision from the brightness of the
infirmary lights as Teal'c pushed aside the covers.
"Would
it be more beneficial to discuss the matters that weight heavily on your
heart?"
"No,
Teal'c," Daniel mumbled, wincing at the pain in his throat. "Just
please…go."
"I
will not," Teal'c stated defiantly.
"Fine,"
Daniel muttered, snatching the sheets back and trying to cover himself.
Teal'c's grasp did not lessen.
"Teal'c…"
"You
are feeling guilt over the actions of Thoth," Teal'c said evenly. "You must realize these actions were
his and not your own."
Shaking
his head, Daniel refused to believe it. "You don't understand, Teal'c. I
was there. I was right there. I saw
everything. I yelled at him to stop…but there was no other way."
"You
were a prisoner. You cannot blame yourself for the actions of another."
"I
could have stopped him, Teal'c!" Daniel felt the weight of his statement
searing his voice. "I didn't. I-I couldn't stop him."
"I believe you have accomplished more than you realize, DanielJackson." Quietly, Teal'c eased himself onto the side of Daniel's bed, his gaze never leaving the younger man. "If it had not been for your efforts, surely Thoth would have terminated my life." He breathed in, bowing slightly. "For this, I am in your debt."
Biting
his lip, still shaking his head, Daniel retreated. "Don't say that,
Teal'c. I'm—"
"Be
silent," Teal'c said gently.
Daniel
quieted, uncertain what to say next as Teal'c reached into his pocket and
withdrew what appeared to be a small figurine. Curious, Daniel leaned forward,
studying the crude statue.
The
figurine represented two men, standing side by side, each holding a different
weapon or object, which Daniel couldn't make out, their features plain and
simple. The wooden statue had a rough, edgy appearance, almost if the figure
had been carved in haste. But Daniel had seen enough primitive figurines to
know this wasn't the case. Based on the detail of the two men and their
closeness, Daniel figured the statue had taken quite some time to finish.
"It
is bel'chak," Teal'c informed him.
"Bel'chak…"
Daniel murmured, accepting the figure as he studied it more closely.
"That's a derivative of…a form of…brotherhood."
"That
is correct."
Daniel
rolled the stature over his hands, feeling the sharp edges and the smooth
curves. The item was breathtaking, almost causing him to forget his pain.
"You
made this?" Daniel asked, surprised.
"I
did," Teal'c said. His voice swelled with pride as he spoke. "On
Chulak, it is customary for Jaffa of various ranks to show their affection to
their fellow warriors in the form of material objects. Bel'chak are rare but
highly valued. Only those of strong heart are worthy of bel'chak." He
raised his eyebrow.
Daniel
sucked in a shaky breath, staring at the simple figure. He suddenly understood.
"Oh, I can't accept this," he said softly, handing the statue back to
Teal'c.
Teal'c
smiled, gently wrapping Daniel's fingers around the wooden statue and pressed
it to Daniel's chest. "It is not a gift, DanielJackson, but a title and
symbol of the bond that exists between us."
Daniel
stared opened-mouthed, not knowing what to say. His guilt over what happened to
Teal'c conflicted heavily with the joy he felt after receiving such an honored
gift. He didn't deserve this. He just didn't deserve it.
"You
hesitate," Teal'c said. "There is nothing to forgive. You are my
brother, DanielJackson. You are my friend and my teacher. You have instructed
me in ways of the mind and the heart. Despite the guilt that weighs on your
soul, you are more than worthy of such a title."
Daniel
went to answer, but Teal'c shook his head, rising off the bed as the others
re-entered the room.
"Speak
no more, DanielJackson."
When
Teal'c uttered a command, he meant it. Dazed, Daniel hugged the figurine
tightly, remaining silent as Janet came to his side. Immediately, she started
to take his pulse, holding his wrist firmly, her gaze refusing to meet his own.
Daniel looked once to the machinery that was monitoring his vitals, including
his heart rate, and then back to Janet.
Feeling
decidedly uneasy, Daniel's gaze moved to Sam. She was smiling weakly at him,
standing on the other side of his bed, her hand brushing his hair lightly. His unease now bordering on suspicion, he
shot a glare to General Hammond and Jack, who were standing at the foot of his
bed.
Daniel
prepared himself for some silly comment from Jack about Daniel holding dolls,
but after two beats of silence, he realized it wasn't going to happen. No
sarcastic, irreverent colonel. Just a grim, hard expression.
The
peace he had found just moments ago, in the form of distraction, dissolved in a
flash. Instead, he was left once again with that unsettled feeling, the pain of
what had happened to him, and the powerlessness he had experienced.
"What?"
he managed to croak.
Hammond
studied him pensively. "I don't know exactly how to say this, Doctor,
but—"
"Thoth
is dead," Jack said simply, but sternly.
Daniel
felt as if the wind had been knocked out of him. Dead? Gone?
"W-wha-?"
"Dead,
Daniel. Dead. Dead as a doornail," Jack continued, dismissively.
Daniel
shook his head, shocked. "No. No, I mean, the Tok'ra—"
"Jacob
is looking into the matter," Hammond informed him. "He just left the
base to discuss the circumstances with the High Council."
Wide-eyed,
Daniel searched his friends for any kind of guidance, anything to help him
understand. But how could they? They couldn't understand.
He
felt sorry. He felt alone.
He
actually felt grief over the loss of Thoth.
Hating
himself even more, Daniel chewed on his lip, trying desperately to hold back
the tears.
"H-how?"
he stammered.
"We're
not sure," Hammond admitted. "But it appears that Thoth perished in
transit on route to the Tok'ra base."
Daniel
shook his head in denial, still fighting against his emotions. Embarrassed and
shamed, Daniel turned away from them. He pleaded, prayed, for anything to push
him back into unconsciousness. Anything to escape the feelings that were
tearing him apart inside.
"Are
you going to be alright, son?" Hammond asked gently. "Anything that
we can do to help?"
While
Daniel was touched by the general's words, he couldn't bring himself to face
him. Not the man in charge of this entire facility. Not to a man he respected
and admired, and who had the final say who was fit or not to remain actively
involved in the SGC.
In
truth, he didn't want any of his friends to see him like this.
"Please,"
he mumbled, barely over a whisper. "Please just leave me alone for awhile.
I just need some time alone."
"Daniel—"
He shook
his head at Sam's plea, refusing to look at her. "Please. I just need some
time alone."
He
felt Janet's grip tighten on his wrist, and he managed to muster enough courage
to look at her. She regarded him compassionately, her eyes searching his face.
"I'll
be okay," he told her, drawing on his energy reserves. Finally, he turned to face the rest of his
friends and teammates. "I'm tired and I'm not much company. I just want to get some rest."
Hammond
nodded, averting his gaze as he cleared his throat. "All right. You rest
up, Doctor. But you don't hesitate to call us if you need something, you
understand?"
Daniel
nodded. Even when General Hammond was showing his compassionate side, he still
sounded like a general.
If
he were in better spirits, he would have found it amusing.
He
watched General Hammond leave the room, urging the rest of SG-1 to follow. Part of him sighed in relief, glad solitude
and peace were just moments away. But the other part of him…
Jack
shoved his hands in his pockets, motioning to the door with a slight nudge of
his chin. "You all go on ahead."
Daniel
shot Jack a cold look, bristled when Jack ignored him.
"Sir?"
Sam asked hesitantly.
"I'll
join you in a second. Just go on."
Sam
nodded, though Daniel thought he distinctly caught a warning glare heading
Jack's way. Quietly, she leaned over Daniel, and kissed him lightly on the
forehead. "We'll talk later if you want, okay?" she asked gently.
Daniel
found himself nodding in reply, despite the fact he just wanted to be left
alone. Though he didn't want to talk and didn't want to dwell on this mess any
longer, he knew Sam's heart was in the right place. She might even have some
hint of how he felt, due to her experiences with Jolinar. And how could he say
no when she was trying so hard to be supportive?
She
forced a smile and squeezed his shoulder, before heading toward the exit,
Teal'c following behind her. Janet squeezed Daniel's hand lightly before
joining Teal'c and Sam outside the room.
Once
they were gone, Daniel spoke. "What part of 'leave me alone' do you not
understand?" he asked irritably.
"You
didn't actually mean it," Jack told him. If Daniel's throat wasn't so
sore, he would have torn Jack apart, in several different languages, in fact.
But even before Daniel could contemplate where to begin, Jack continued.
"Besides, there's a lot to talk about, that's why."
Daniel
licked his lips, feeling more anxious than before. "Is there? We both know
what happened."
"Do
we?" Jack brought his gaze to be level with Daniel.
Daniel
narrowed his eyes in return. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"I
thought you'd be happy that Thoth was dead. Now, he can't mess around with
anyone else."
Daniel
cast his gaze downward, afraid Jack would see the doubt that he felt so
strongly.
"See?
I knew it. Are you actually feeling
sorry for him?" Jack asked incredulously.
"He
wasn't all bad, Jack," Daniel argued. "He was more talk than
anything. I saw-I saw and felt a different side of him. He was…He was just-just
a little confused. Misunderstood."
"Ah,
no no." Jack's glare was hard. "He was a Goa'uld, Daniel. A Goa'uld.
Just like all the rest. Whatever you felt or saw—a trick. An illusion."
"No,"
Daniel whispered. "You're wrong. He was different. He wasn't like the
Goa'uld." Daniel inhaled sharply, ignoring the startled expression on
Jack's face, remembering all that happened between himself and Thoth: their
struggle, their pleas, and their discourse. "He just needed to understand.
Understand there is always another way."
Jack
licked his lips, taking another step forward. The man was obviously agitated,
and Daniel got the impression he trying his best to think of a way to convince
Daniel otherwise.
"A
snake is a snake, Daniel."
"I'm
sure the Tok'ra would be happy to hear that."
Jack
gave a short laugh. "Don't get me started. You know how I feel about
them." He paused, shaking his head. "Thoth took you without you even
knowing it. He abused you. He was calculating and arrogant. A Goa'uld."
"No,
Jack. Misguided. He was misguided. He just needed to learn."
Daniel's
own words shocked himself. If this has happened a few years ago, he couldn't
imagine thinking this way. He couldn't imagine any sympathy for a Goa'uld or
even a clone of one. Had he changed
that much?
"Daniel,"
Jack stressed, waving his hand out to the side. "He was in your head. He
could have compromised you without you even knowing it! Most of these past few days we were
struggling to get through to you! He
wouldn't even let us in. And the couple
of times I think we started to get somewhere, you didn't even know what was
happening!"
Averting
his gaze, Daniel sighed inwardly, feeling his hands begin to tremble. Jack
always held a more logical and practical outlook on the world, a sense of
realism that would often shock him from his more idealistic ideologies.
He
didn't want to admit that Jack could be right this time. He couldn't accept
that.
"You
don't understand," Daniel mumbled, keeping the tears at bay. "I
promised him. I promised him I'd do what I could to protect him, to save
him."
"Why
would you do that?' Jack asked, exasperated. "He took over you and
wouldn't let go!"
Jack
couldn't understand. There was no way Jack could accept what he had to
say. If Daniel hadn't experienced it
himself, he wouldn't have believed it either.
"I
know this is hard for you to understand, and believe me, it's hard for me to
understand, too. But there was something else there. There was something that
made him more than just another Goa'uld," Daniel stated, his voice full of
passion. "He understood…things. He just needed a context for them. He
needed conscience and morality to help him understand all the knowledge he
contained." Daniel studied Jack imploringly. "I know you saw it, too."
Jack
frowned, startled by the statement. He had seen it. Daniel knew. He had been
there when it happened.
"Daniel,
listen to me." Jack swallowed hard, his tone demanding. "I read his
journal. Do you know what he had planned? He was going to use you to set up a
lab here, in the SGC. He was going to go on, pretending to be you, and you'd
have been trapped. Just so he could continue his experiments."
Daniel
shook his head. He didn't want to hear this. He didn't care.
"You're
wrong, Jack."
"It's
in his journal! He wrote it!"
"That
was before!" Daniel winced at the pain in his throat, the throbbing in his
head. "That-that was before I could—"
"What?
Teach him? Before you could teach him
to be human?" Jack shook his head.
"I don't buy it. We've seen Tanith. We know that can't happen."
"This
is different," Daniel retorted, between clenched teeth.
"It's
not!" Jack shouted, pointing at Daniel. "He used Sha're to get to
you!"
"No!
You don't get it, Jack!" Daniel fully ignored his pain at this point.
"I used Ma'at to get to him!"
Daniel
knew the shaking in his body was now beyond his control. But he didn't care anymore. He felt better.
He felt more in control.
Jack
was speechless. Shifting his weight awkwardly, he paused, no doubt searching
for the right words.
"It's
true," Daniel admitted, beating him to the push. "I'm no better than
he was."
"No,
don't say that," Jack snapped, cutting him off. "You're not like
them. You'll never be like them. Okay?
You got that? This is not your fault. It's—"
Jack
paused. Daniel noticed he was rubbing his hands together, his gaze bouncing
from object to object, the standard sign that he was extremely uncomfortable.
If Jack has his way, he'd start to play with the nearest thing he could find.
Daniel
inhaled sharply, feeling his mind and body being to slide into panic. That was
it. He was no better than the Goa'uld. Even before he had fully realized what
was happening…Daniel shivered, despising his actions. He'd used Ma'at. He'd
used many of Thoth's memories to try to subvert control. He was no better than
the Goa'uld. He was just…Gasping loudly, he bowed his head, willing himself to
calm down.
"Hey.
Hey." Jack's voice was surprisingly calm, even soothing. Daniel breathed out, feeling the older man's
steady hand on his shoulder. "It's fine now. He's gone."
"I'm
just as—"
"Daniel."
Jack's voice was gentle, but firm, his gaze never wavering. "You did good.
You never gave up. You did what you needed to do to survive." He cleared
his throat. "You're a strong man, Daniel. And-and it's not that I doubt
you, or your abilities, it's just…." His voice trailed off as he squeezed
harder.
"What?"
Confused, Daniel thought he would burst. He was angry with Jack but at the same
time moved by his concern. "If you don't doubt me, then why can't you
believe me? Why can't you understand?
Why can't you accept that maybe I am strong enough to fight the Goa'uld and win
on my own terms?"
Jack
withdrew sharply, a scowl creasing his worn face. Irritated, he walked away for
a moment, before turning to face him again.
"It's not that."
"Then
what is it? What can't you—?"
"Daniel!"
Jack shouted, stepping in close. "I wasn't about to let some other alien
take you away from me—from us—again!"
Stunned,
Daniel found no words to reply.
He
hadn't thought about the impact he might have had on his friends. He hadn't
even considered the hardships they were going through these past few days. He
hadn't even thought about the repercussions of his earlier decisions, back in that
hard point of his life.
He
used to pride himself on his ability to put others first.
But
he kept pushing it aside, locking up his emotions, keeping them safe. Just so he wouldn't hurt anymore. So he
couldn't hurt them anymore.
"How
are the others?" Daniel said at last.
"Doing
fine. They're still unconscious or asleep, but Fraiser says they're pull
through. Probably won't remember a damn thing though."
Daniel
nodded solemnly. At least they would be okay.
"Uh,"
Jack began, bringing Daniel out of his thoughts. He eased himself into a nearby
chair, rolling up quietly to Daniel's left side, placing his hand on Daniel's
shoulder. "You okay? Really?"
"No,"
Daniel blurted out honestly. "But I will be. Eventually. This is all…a bit of a shock to me. All that's happened. Some of it's clear.
Some of it's blurry, like a dream. Doesn't even seem real."
"Yeah,
um, well."
"Look,
Jack, I'm-I'm sorry. I didn't mean for this, you know, I didn't realize—"
Jack
swore, withdrawing his hand away from Daniel quickly. Startled with the sudden
outburst, Daniel could only stare, too tired to even bother with the many
possibly theories for Jack's behavior.
"Jack?"
"Quit
apologizing for everything," Jack muttered, rubbing his face. "Damn,
you make everything so difficult."
Daniel
blinked at him.
"I
know I haven't been my rosy little self lately, and it's got nothing to do with
you. Nothing, okay?"
"Okay,"
Daniel answered quietly.
"Okay."
Jack nodded. "I just got some-some issues or something that I've got to
work out. By myself. It wasn't meant to
um—" He sighed, glaring at the wall. "You know, hurt your feelings or
anything."
"Why
would it hurt my feelings?" Daniel asked uncertainly. Part of him felt
terrified and wished he could just crawl under the covers and keep his
impenetrable shield intact. The other part of him felt something nagging at the
back of his head, like he was meant to say something.
"Cause
I know. I just know." With another sigh and a curse, Jack came back to his
seat and wheeled it close to the bed. "I'm sorry I couldn't keep all my
promises, Daniel. I'm sorry that I keep letting you down. Just don't-don't—"
Daniel
smiled, feeling that hollowness inside start to shrink. "I'm not going to
leave again, Jack."
Jack
breathed out and nodded, licking his lips as he bowed his head. Suddenly, Jack
appeared years younger, Daniel mused, pondering how just a few simple words
could create change that ran so deeply.
It
was as if the last of the burden had been lifted, and Daniel felt it as well.
Swallowing
hard, Daniel closed his eyes, his mind rolling over the events of the past few
days. As the toxin dissipated, he
figured he would feel more, remember more, and understand the ache that seemed to
touch his soul. Maybe they would never figure out what Thoth's true intentions
were. But Daniel was certain he had gotten through to him. Certain he had left
an imprint on the cloned symbiote's mind.
But
even if he never knew the truth, he felt lighter, more content. Strangely, he
felt as if he had been steered onto a new path, one that allowed himself to
begin to connect all the hardships from that time before his death, to this
awkward time after. He was man enough to understand that all his friends needed
him, and this healing process, as much as he needed them. He had started to
theorize that maybe this was a delayed reaction to his death and resurrection.
Now, all of them could start to heal again. Together.
Maybe
Thoth truly was a teacher, after all.
Just
one last thing troubled his mind…
Daniel
opened his eyes, roused from his thoughts as he felt Jack's hand slip into his.
Jack squeezed it gently, reassuringly, causing Daniel to smile once again. He closed his eyes, feeling the emptiness in
his chest begin to be replaced with a sense of peace when he heard Jack's
words.
"Rest
up. Just remember, Danny, not alone. Never alone."
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