The Things They Say
(Or: These people live amongst us. They are Christians. Gawd* help us!)
Even in the 21st century the christian traditions of self-delusion, contradiction, hate, ignorance and absurdity are being upheld with a monumentally enthusiastic vigour. Here are a few quotes that I have trawled from various sources, they are all from Christians who (one supposes) believe themselves to be sane and rational. And they certainly believe themselves to be good Jesus lovin', God fearin' Christians. Asterisks may sometimes be used to vaguely disguise language of a more adult nature. Again, I stress that the quotes below (which are all quoted verbatim - inkluding the speeling and the gramatical errors errors) are all by Christians. Contributions are welcome - just email me.
"...the Roman Catholic Church, which I do not consider a Christian organization." Pastor Dave - alt.bible
"The crowning glory of Christianity is, that it is the only major religion requiring absolutely no prerequisites such as intelligence, linguistic polish, or philosophical depth." - Quote of the Month submitted by "Clothaire" and attributed to Pastor Dave on alt.atheism. The next post in the thread follows thus:
"You sure are a brainless twit yourself, Hairball!!! That's not Pastor
Dave's, but my MY quote. Like I said though, brainlessness is no hindrance
to finding love and grace in Jesus Christ." - Pastor Frank - alt.altheism
"I have seen an atheist turn to God because of prayer. And I have read of others. It does happen in the real world. The odds would seem less for you, however, because your mother doesn't pray for you." Smokey - on me - alt.prayer.
"Is Atheism your career?" - Josh - in an email to me.
"Personally I think you all ready are a christian you just can't see it yet." - Josh - in an email to me.
"I believe you would make a better scientologist than English Atheist." - Josh - in an email to me.
"Jesus and his Angels read the bible to me, direct my daily walk when I am coherent. They fight righteous spiritual battles that pervade large regions of the Earth. Glory, Glory, Holy Holy Holy, if only your earthly eyes could see." - Christian contributor to feedback section of www.infidels.org.
"Man is the image of God, not women. Women are made for men, not man for woman. Women must keep their mouth shut and obey men without question." - Christian feedback on a Christian website!
"It's fairly clear that evolutionists are generally atheists, even the Christian evolutionists." - 'Tony1', an administrator on the christian chat network
"f*cking athiest c*nt!" - A christian, in an email to me - 19-Jun-2001
"And the point of God sending his son to earth was to save what could not possibly be saved by a human, and I know that he was a human." - Tiffany - in an email to me.
"I have no problem having my religion being called a crutch! Infact, it is!" - Tiffany.
"I elevate my truth above the other "truth" because the other "truth" is not the truth at all!" - Tiffany - explaining how she objectively determined her scripture was the truth.
"if you ask me, looking at the Bible and not observing the Bible are completely different" - Tifanny.
"We are supposed to pray alone as well as with others." - Cali - in an email to me.
"...atheism is properly defined as a denial of the existence of God in the midst of full knowledge that God does indeed exist." - Robert T. Lee - on his website.
"Atheism is therefore a doctrine of demons, and in many, if not all cases, atheists are demon-possessed." - Robert T. Lee
"And atheist iis a person who uses his brain the wrung way.. " - Robert T. Lee
"It has little or nothing to do with Christianity, although Christianity has a great deal to do with it" - corrieb, on abortion. From a discussion board on guitar.com. 22-9-2000
"I can't explain how it works - it's supernatural, dummy!" - corrieb - on morality - ditto.
"The printing press wasn't invented until the 15th century. Before then books were copied by hand." - corrieb.
"God loves you enough to let you condemn your self to hell." - SlimDawg - guitar.com discussion board - 14-Feb-2001
"Even godless, evil people work to the glory of God." - SlimDawg - 23-Feb-2001
"God will be discovered before he is disproven." - Mingler - guitar.com - 23-feb-2001 (Think about it.)
"If any are alive today, they are the smaller
varieties." - Richard Alexander - on dinosaurs - alt.atheism. 9/10/00
"...there was plenty of room on the ark for even the largest land-based dinosaur, especially if taken on as eggs or young." - Richard Alexander - alt.atheism. 9/10/00
"In fact, I've been asked to leave some churches on the grounds that I hold a belief they cannot accept." - Richard Alexander - alt.atheism. 9/10/00
"I'm too far gone with the Lord" - Colleen Baldwin - in an atheist newsgroup.
"Stick it, you're just a pimple on a grasshopper's dick."
- Colleen Baldwin
"JHC, please change your handle to Inspector Gadget, you bumbling oaf. Or to Miss Peggy Wanker please. Thank you." - Colleen Baldwin
"There ARE some things God cannot do..." - Jennifer Allen - alt.atheism.satire.
"Evolution is more of a belief system than real science." - Thomas Vestly - alt.atheism.satire.
"I've seen events erased, changed, buildings removed from so called reality, etc. etc. over and over. I see demons, witchcraft, magic, sorcerry, etc. etc. daily and I'm not impressed." A Christian in the Internet Infidels discussion forum.
"I believe because I have found my belief to be the most plausable explination for reality." - Journeymum - in an Internet Infidels' discussion forum. 8-Oct-2000
"Hey Christians! If your goal in e-mailing this site is to convince someone of your intelligence and a reasoned account for your beliefs, please, use proper spelling. No sense in giving creedence to the thought that we are like dumb and blind sheep." - kfoster - in the Hereticards guestbook.
"Will women ever be equal to men? Absolutely not!" - 'Parent' (a woman) on the guitar.com discussion board
"The entire universe could be destroyed by a meteor." - Godlovingirlie - in an AOL chatroom.
"How come women have one more rib than men?" - Kloudburst - AOL chatroom.
"u guys are stupied" - DaLeakes6 - AOL chatroom.
"Jesus meets all my needs and so does provide the toilet paper and which his blessings does pay the bills. Clean the House, well he gave me a wonderful woman that does that just fine." - Ray Knapp in alt.flame.jesus.christ - 16-10-2000
"Resistance is futile." - Alan B. Spencley - newsgroup posting - 18-Oct-2000
How about if you admit that you wouldn't know "proof" if it was rammed up your butt and detonated in your abdomen. - Arthur Bartlett - in a newsgroup posting.
"So what are you saying? That I dont' realy have dylsexia, but I just like spelling things wrong? You putz! Obvoisly I used the spell check, stupid!" - Metacrock - on an Internet Infidels discussion board.
"You are full of sh*t!" - Metacrock
"No little Moron. I explained that you stupid git." - Metacrock
"Ive see the things you have up making fun of christians for what they are quoted on." - Betsy/Laura in an email to me.
Your f**ked up beaver god would be SO PROUD of you! Get A HOBBY. Why dont you make a page on f**ked up atheists too? - Betsy/Laura - in my guestbook.
"This world would be a better place if God would just empty this pisspot of people like you." - 'visibly shaken' - in alt.flame.jesus.christ
"Try a hetrosexual circle jerk. Stand and masturbate while you watch the most beautiful woman in the world suck off a donkey; a woman that you could only hope to dream about, and the donkey gets blown while you have to get by with a hand job, and even have to use your own hand." - 'visibly shaken' in alt.flame.jesus.christ
"I can tell you guys are not serious about God. I am so disappointed! I come here to sh*t and stink, and you pay a dime and only fart!" - 'visibly shaken' in alt.flame.jesus.christ
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"God's hatred is one of His holy attributes..." "His hatred is holy, pure, unchanging" - from a christian website, quoted on an Internet Infidels discussion board.
"...the Bible preaches hate. For every one verse about God's mercy, love, compassion, etc., there are two verses about His vengeance, hatred, wrath, etc." - ditto
"...every human, at the moment of birth, utterly deserves to go straight to hell." - ditto
"There is God, but we are still monkeys." 'CYAM' - ditto
"All of you atheists are going to hell for questioning god. You will roast with the muslims, jews, buddists, and all the other heathens who choose not to follow the one true god. Repent now, or you will be punished. You will be burned for eternity in lakes of melted sulfur.You will have the flesh stripped from your bones, and have your bones ground to dust, but still it won't end. Demons will violate you anally. I'm sure some of you faggots think that part will be fun, but it won't. Demon penises are the size of a baseball bat, and covered with sharp spines! You will watch your loved ones suffer in the same way unless they are christians. Your throat will bleed and sting from screaming in pain. Accept god's loving mercy and salvation NOW or suffer for eternity later!!!!" - 'Jesus_n_Pals' in a newsgroup posting.
"Evolution is a symptom of God's creational power, not a blind natural law that just happen to be the basis for all existence, like the evolutionists believe." Thomas Vestly - in a newsgroup posting.
"Hell, you don't even have to go to church, you could watch church on T.V. and get the same result !" - David King - in a newsgroup posting
"All sins can be forgiven. No one is unsavable. Not even you." - Tim - in an email to me.
Every time the doctor said something was wrong we prayed and nothing was wrong. Every time. God answered every one of those prayers. - Tim in an email to me.
"Prayer in and of itself is powerless." - Tim - in a Christian newsgroup - 23rd June 2000
"I have no faith in prayer." - Tim in a newsgroup posting.
"If someone is really sick, they should go on a 1 week to ten day fast to get rid of the toxic wastes in the body, with distilled water." - Godlyman - quoted on an Internet Infidels discussion board.
"Don't microwave food, it changes its character." - Godlyman - ditto.
"Cancer begins in the colon, including breast, brain, and stomach cancer, because you take in all these toxins, and don't drink enough distilled water." - Godlyman - ditto.
"Tuberculosis will be cured by distilled water, good nutrition, sunshine, fresh air, and deep breathing exercises. No drugs of any kind are necessary." - Godlyman - ditto.
"Humans don't fly." - Pastor Dave - in a newsgroup posting.
"People fly to get to a destination for business, to see loved ones, etc.." - Pastor Dave
"...driving without a license is wrong. So is sex without a license." - Pastor Dave
"We have a little under a month. Then you will not ever see anything written by me again." John Vogel - in a newsgroup posting - 22/8/99
"There is little thought needed to be a Christian..." - John Vogel - in a newsgroup posting.
"We are really morons when it comes to knowledge." - John Vogel - 11/8/00
"God will not answer the prayers of a sinner." - John Vogel - 8/01/01
"I am not a part of this newsgroup." - John Vogel - in the alt.flame.jesus.christ newsgroup - 25-01-01
"You can only be "truly free" if you are crucified with Christ, and rise with Christ, and live with Christ, and live with Christ." - John Vogel
"For Christians it is essential they believe the Bible to be the holy and infallible Word of God and anyone disputing that is of the devil." - Pastor Frank - in a newsgroup posting.
"...no christian ever takes the bible literally." - Pastor Frank
"...god is an abstract spiritual concept." - Pastor Frank
"Ecactly !" - Glenn (Christian mystic) - in a newsgroup posting.
"If a stone falls from the sky and hits you on the head, it means stones can fall from the sky. Period." - Paul O'Brien - in an atheist's guestbook.
"I am having trouble believing the real Jesus posted this..." - James J. Dominguez - in a newsgroup posting..
"I am kinda weird as Christians go..." - James J. Dominguez.
"If you want to prove that God doesn't exist, well TOO F***ING BAD." - James J. Dominguez. (His CAPS)
"People are no more special than rocks - both are just random collections of atoms." - James J. Dominguez.
"F**k off." - James J. Dominguez.
"I'll call you a c**t occasionally if it will make you feel more comfortable..." - James J. Dominguez.
"The American people wants a president that appeals to the angels..." - George W. Bush - August 2000
"...asshole..." - George W. Bush - September 2000
"I don't spread my legs and allow a man to put his penis in my vagina, ejaculate, and then kill an innocent human being. I will not support female stupidity. If a woman does not want to have a baby.. abstinence is 100% effective. Stop killing people because you can't keep your drawers on." - Paula in a newsgroup posting - submitted by FluxWildly.
A big thank you for the following (anonymous) contributions from Miranda Writes - they all originate from alt.recovery.catholicism :
"Take away God, take away civil law & order, take away the penalty for doing wrong (even if just a quick hanging), and all we will do as mankind is rape, murder, steal, and pillage."
"A woman's actual function is to produce an egg and to have the fertilized egg attach itself for protection and nourishment for the 1st 9 months of it's life. Function by design."
"The RCC really wants us to use the aspirin method - have the woman put an aspirin behind the left knee and hold it there with the right knee. That way, one is in no way messing around with that which God created other than abstention, which is the way he wants."
Thanks are also due to 'Halah' and the other enlightened souls of alt.flame.jesus.christ.
The following two examples have been submitted by Don Kresch. Thanks Don, I am still giggling!
"Masturbation gave me testicular cancer" - Brice Wellington, man of God.
"I have personally checked my daughters to see if they are virgins" - Brice Wellington, man of God.
...and from elsewhere:
"Jesus spoke English..." - Brice Wellington, man of God.
"I said it before, and I'll say it again woman should not vote." - Brice Wellington, man of God. - 07-06-95
"I speak for Jesus when I say F**k You and the donkey you rode in on!" Brice Wellington. - 03-09-95
"Its better to pluck out an eye than to lose your soul, in my case it was a testicle." Brice Wellington. - 17-Oct-1995
* Nope, the prayers have not worked, it's a four letter expletive.
© Copyright 2000 Martin J Burn - The English Atheist
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