The online Ministry of Hubert the invisible Beaver
Welcome. My name is The Reverend Martin J Burn. I am the minister of the Online Ministry of Hubert the Invisible Beaver. You have alighted upon the web page of one of the few Atheist religions on this planet. Welcome to our church. As for myself, I do not believe in the existence of any gods whatsoever, including Hubert the Invisible Beaver. But don't let that constrain you. Please feel free to believe in, worship, pray to, embrace and obey Hubert, or any other large amphibious rodent deity of your desire.
Hubert the Invisible Beaver God
Our church is quite free and easy. But we do draw the line when it comes to the practices of many other religions. We don't allow:
Knocking on peoples doors just after they have hopped into the shower.
Treating women like second class citizens.
On the other hand, and this is the good bit, we do allow anything that does not hurt, discriminate against, kill or maim - provided it is legally within the bounds of current law. Our church does not disagree with:
Sexual congress and ribald rumpy-pumpy.
Freedom of thought.
The drinking of alcohol.
Freedom of belief and worship.
Freedom of travel.
Having a good time.
Earning lots of money.
Laughing out loud in our church.
It goes without saying that in exercising our rights in The Online Church it would be appreciated if solitude and/or privacy be the watchword when carrying out some of our freedoms (see above). Let the divine discretion of Hubert the Holy be your guide, if you believe in him, and common sense if you don't. Amen.
Free ONLINE ABSOLUTIOn
It's a miracle of the computer age!
Have you been naughty of late? Are you a woman who has coveted her neighbour's wife's ass? Did your mind harbour wicked thoughts?
Well, at The Ministry we don't care a monkey's chuff. But if you want to be rid of any sins you think you may have committed, then we have the answer. Here at the Online Ministry we would be more than happy to absolve you of all your sins. It's easy. It's clean. And it's quick. No confession is needed, it is all done by the power of modern technology and a giant purple beaver - if you believe in him. Just click on the 'Forgive me' button below and all your sins will be forgiven. Do not be worried by the feeling of relief and loss of inner tension, it is only natural. You may get mild, blurred vision for a second or two, this will pass. Having pressed the 'Holy Button of Forgiveness' all your sins will be mysteriously wafted away from your soul and sent automatically, via the Internet, to an unused e-mail account on 'Satan's Server of Unix' hidden away on a small, remote, uninhabited Polynesian Island. Try it, you will like it.
Press the button to be forgiven!
Did you press it? Yes? Congratulations you are now free of all sin! Amen.
Now that you are free of all sin, Hubert the 500ft high Beaver God personally invites you to rock the night away with him. Just click on His Holiness' likeness below to be wafted away on a rock-tastic, head-banging, glory-filled, extra-spirtual journey of inter-galactic dimensions.
Coming soon from The Online Ministry of Hubert the Invisible Beaver to a screen near you:
The Holy Button of Baptism.
Comfy pews (a screen resolution of 1024 X 768 or better will be required).
The One Commandment.
The Sermon on the Mount on Ice avi video file.
Tonsures 'R' Us.
The Computerised Collection Plate.
The Worlds Shortest Sermon wav file.
Scientifically verifiable, repeatable, multi-witness miracles.
Midi hymn files.
Hubert's finest Beaver shot
© Copyright 2001 Martin J Burn - The English Atheist
This page is a component part of The English Atheist .