God's Third Leg

(Or: Can God get an erection?)

No, seriously, can the Christian God get an erection? This is an important question. Why? Well, it will point us towards something of the true nature of the Christian God, if it exists, and maybe point us towards the way that Christians comprehend their non-existent Supreme Being.

So, let's suspend our disbelief for a moment and have a quick ponder.


I have a penis, my next door neighbour and his son both have a penis (one each), and there's an almost 50/50 chance that you have a penis. And I'm sure that the strange looking woman I saw in the Little Chef on the A47 last week has some sort of a penis as well. We know from reading the Christian Bible that man is made in the image of God or Gods (Genesis 1:26), so it is quite evident that God does indeed have His own one-holed pink piccolo. If God is truly omnipresent (everywhere) then his Old Man - even in it's very limpest, most flaccid state - must be absolutely HUGE. It cannot be anything less than the most magnificent schlong in the whole universe. It is a third leg above all other third legs, probably the size of several dozen super-clusters of galaxies. Forget about all the other God's that are depicted with willeys (erect or otherwise), the Christian God's one-eyed trouser-snake really does make every one else's look depressingly microscopic. Goodness knows, his testicles alone must measure tens of thousands of light-years in diameter. Heck, one of His wrinkly, scrotal prune-skin crevices alone could quite easily swallow up several hundred solar systems! But for all the men out there who may be reading this, try not to get too depressed - God's post-elephantine todger is not made of any real substance, it can only be made of 'spirit' or some other such non-existent paranormal material. The same immeasurable stuff that God Himself is made of.

I think that we can safely assume that God does not have a foreskin, because that would be a tad hypocritical of him wouldn't it? But who or what performed the surgery for His circumcision? Perhaps God just told His mammoth foreskin to disappear, and poof! off it went. We don't know, but we can say that if a knife was used it must have been terribly sharp. And big. Sharp enough to incise the unwanted dangly bit of the ultimate perfect being, and big enough to span the vast astronomical distances of the Godly prepuce.

But getting back to the original question, can God get an erection? Can He pump up His volume? Can the Master of the Universe drag weed? Well, I don't think that He can, and I have several reasons as to why. Firstly, a penile erection is indicative of sexual excitement, and unless there is a Mrs. God in Heaven, Mr. God would not get aroused for the reason of opposite gender, marital rumpy-pumpy. Nowhere in the Bible does it say there is a companion Goddess. And next, as every man knows, John Thomas sometimes has a mind of his own, he stands to parade ground attention for no apparent reason at the most inconvenient of times, usually on an over-crowded tube train whilst wedged tight between a geriatric nun from Cardiff and a small group of Japanese tourist businessmen. But if God is the perfect being we are told of by the Christian clergy, this situation would not, could not happen to Him.

Young men understand the value of a secluded solo stiffy, but I think that we can easily dispose of the theory that God enjoys a "swift one off the wrist", for one thing He's far too old to still be indulging in a quick hand shandy. I doubt if there is one Christian on the planet who would assert that God indulges in the occasional bout of solo sexual action. Self-gratification in the company of Mrs. Palm and her five lovely daughters could not possibly enter God's pure mind. Anyway, where would He go to be alone? What would He use for visual stimulation? And as for the results of such a colossal Godly five-finger-shuffle, well it hardly bears thinking about, as would the cost of an almost infinite number of galaxy-sized sheets of bathroom tissue - over an almost infinite period of time.

Ask several men if they have ever had a wet dream, some will say yes, and some will say no. The ones that say no are lying. Nocturnal emissions are a normal (and thankfully infrequent) part of the human male's unconscious bedtime life. But God, if he is aware of everyone and everything all the time does not go to sleep, so we can safely discount the overnight Divine astronomical tent pole. And the enormous wet patch that would seep outside the edge of the known universe, extinguishing several important proto-stars on it's inexorable glutinous journey.

Is there any Viagra in Heaven? We will never know. But since God would not need any in the first place, the point is moot.

A dysfunctional, permanently erect flesh-flute would not be possible for a perfect God. That is a rare, debilitating human condition.

There is no reason to believe that God would use his monster sausage to expel fluid waste. He could not avail Himself of a wee-wee. How could God be perfect if He was capable of ejecting unwanted bodily fluids? He could not be capable of harbouring something that was not needed. Again, it would be an imperfection.


I have thought of some other reasons why the pretend Christian God would be unable to engender a massive portion of erectile tissue, but these are minor arguments. And I have already forgotten them anyway.

So there we have it, the imaginary Christian God can not get an erection. His pork sword would have to be permanently limp. It is a humongous, useless appendage. But why should this be important? Well, the next time you are arguing against the existence of God with a Christian, just ask him or her if there is anything that their perfect god can not do. They always say no, because they cannot say otherwise if they believe in a perfect God. This time, instead of hitting them with the 'squaring the circle', 'creating a rock too heavy to lift' and 'iron chariot' arguments, go to it with the "Supreme Stiffy Is Not Possible Argument", courtesy of Martin J Burn - The English Atheist.


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