Because it is impossible to prove that something does not exist, here is your big chance to prove to the whole world, the entire planet, that your beliefs are real and true. Just have a go at one of the proofs below and change the minds of non-believers everywhere. Copy the rules and application form, fill in the form and email it back to me. Have the best of luck and enjoy your attempt.
Here are the rules of the competition (hereby known as The Rules)
1. No theological argument please. Argument is not proof.
2. The word God will be taken to mean the god of Christianity, the Muslim god, Satan, any ancient Roman god(s), Odin, Zeus, Osiris or any other Divine being. Invisible, five hundred-foot high purple beavers with halos will be considered as divine beings. But not by me.
3. The Bible/Koran/Book of Mormon etc cannot be taken as proof. Biased humans wrote them.
4. (Proof 1) A divine miracle will be constituted as proof. BUT, it must be sufficiently convincing. Examples could be a) a brand new planet appearing from nowhere between the orbits of Earth and Mars with the words THIS IS PROOF written in words 1000 miles high on its surface. Or b) everyone on Earth suddenly, and permanently, starts to speak the same language. Swahili would be a good one. Applicants to this proof must predict the miracle, and attest to the nature of the miracle, which must be of an agreed sufficient stature, one week or less before the miracle will occur.
5. (Proof 2) The correct prediction of the end of the World by divine intervention will be taken as proof, but must be within a sufficiently reasonable time frame. A mutually agreed time frame can be negotiated. Global thermo-nuclear conflict and natural catastrophes are not proof.
6. (Proof 3) Successful execution of the drinking thing in Mark 16:18 will be taken as proof. Subject to the following: The drink will consist of the these ingredients half a pint of concentrated paraquat mixed with 2 ounces of uncut Colombian grade A powdered cocaine, 2 ounces of Strontium 90 and half a cup of botulism with rainbow coloured hemlock and anthrax sprinkles. Mmm, nice. If desired, the aforementioned concoction may be washed down with a bottle of Sainsburys lemon fresh bleach or a pint of liquid nitrogen. If the applicant suffers no ill effects whatsoever and is still alive after one week without seeking medical assistance; this will be taken as proof of the existence of a divine being. Applicants to this proof must pre-sign a witnessed waiver of responsibility attesting to the fact they took the test of their own accord without coercion.
7. (Proof 4) Answer to prayer will be taken as proof. The test for answer to prayer will take the following form. Applicants will arrange for a believer to jump off any sufficiently high building on to a solid concrete or tarmac surface without the aid of parachutes/hang-gliders/ropes/jet-powered-Nikes etc. A twenty floor high structure seems about right, but a mutually agreed structure and landing site can be agreed beforehand. As many believers as required will start to pray for the jumpees safety at the beginning of the test and if the jumpee floats to the landing surface without any injury whatsoever this will be taken as proof of a divine being answering prayer. Again, applicant jumpees to this proof must pre-sign a witnessed waiver of responsibility attesting to the fact they took the test of their own accord without coercion.
8. (Proof 5) Resurrection of the certifiably dead will be taken as proof. Applicant cadavers will have ceased to be alive and buried for a period of at least one-year before the test. A valid proof of burial, death certificate and the responsibility of application for any exhumation rests with the applicant cadavers sponsors. Applicant cadavers will be clinically examined to confirm their inanimate status to prior to commencement of Proof 5. Contestant corpses will be seen to come to life in an animated fashion, communicate coherently and offer a brief description of their afterlife within 15 minutes of exhumation to constitute proof of resurrection. A strategically placed clinical thermometer will be used to confirm the normal body temperature of the resurectee. Zombies will not be allowed. The successful applicant resurectee will be available for television, radio and Internet interviews for one year.
9. (Proof 6) The verifiable prediction and appearance of any verifiable god or gods to all humanity will be taken as proof. The prediction of any god or gods must take place within one week prior to that gods appearance. The efficacy of the god or gods will be proved thus: the god or gods will make everything in the universe a nice shade of pale blue for a full twenty-four hours, without ill effect. No other colours will be considered.
10. Speaking in tongues is proof of a charlatans idiocy.
11. Crop circles are proof of student pranks.
12. The Turin shroud is proof of a 14th century medieval hoaxer.
13. Messages though mediums are proof of human gullibility.
14. Unsuccessful applicants (if still alive) will proclaim via as many forms of communication as is deemed necessary that a) pre-proof attempt they were true believers and b) post-proof attempt that they now know that any divine being is an unverifiable load of old hocus-pocus.
15. Unsuccessful applicants of 6 and 7 (above) are invited to apply for 8 (above) after one year.
16. Successful applicants will be invited to hand over all their money, possessions etc to this writer. (See Luke 6:30 and Matt 5:42)
PROOF OF A DIVING BEING COMPETITION APPLICATION FORM
(Please complete all sections below)
I, _______________, believe in the following God(s) -
I, _______________, do hereby apply for proof ___ above.
And the form that my proof will take is:
I agree to the terms, conditions and rules contained within The Rules of the competition. And should my attempt (as outlined above) be unsuccessful, I agree to carry out the instructions contained in section 14 of The Rules. Should my attempt (as outlined in The Rules) be successful I agree to the terms of section 16 of The Rules and will carry them out without any delay. I accept that the competition judges decision is final.
I also agree to provide everything that is necessary, all the ingredients, all the equipment, and such like for my attempt at proof ___ above. The ingredients and/or equipment being:
I am applying of my own free will without coercion, and I understand completely The Rules that are set out before me.
SIGNED _____________________(for the competition)
On this _____ day of ____________, in the year 20__ of the Common Era.
The music on this page is an original work - "Fanfare One" © Martin J Burn 2000
© Martin J Burn 2000