(Or: I never heard these on BBC 1's 'AIRPORT')
I cannot guarantee the authenticity of the following. I got the material, via e-mail, from a good friend, but he didn't cite his source. If they actually happened then they are fantastic, if they are a fabrication, well, they are still worthy of a really good laugh. And talking about laughing, they made tears drip from my eyes for minutes, I was nearly at the point of where the laughter was painful! If you thought Bart Simpson's crank calls to Mo were a hoot, then hold on for all that you are worth. Click the audio button for the related announcement. Some of the following is of an adult nature, so if swearing offends you go no further than this sentence.
The WAV files are between 60K and 90K, listen to them by left clicking on the button or save them to your HD by right clicking and selecting 'Save Target As...'.
This is the story...
"We'd go and sit on the balcony at Terminal 3 at Heathrow, directly under one of the speakers as the roof is low. We put the DAT or tape machine in our bag with the microphone poking out of the top. We'd look for a flight that'd arrived in the last 40 minutes from somewhere where you'd expect mental names, then write a letter saying "Could you go and pick up etc. etc. from flight, etc". That way, it looked like it'd been arranged in advance as the flight arrival details were written on the note. We also wore an ID-style badge and carried a mobile so that we looked like taxi drivers. One of us would get the first one read out and then the other did the second. We'd pretend to be unable to pronounce it and then hand them the bit of paper with the name written on it. Long winded, but well worth it!"
These are the names written down:
1. Arheddis Varkenjaab and Aywellbe Fayed.
2. Arhevbin Fayed and Bybeiev Rhibodie.
3. Aynayda Pizaqvick and Malexa Kruest.
4. Awul Dasfilshabeda and Nowaynayda Zheet.
5. Makollig Jezvahted and Levdaroum DeBahzted.
6. Steelaygot Maowenbach and Tuka Piziniztee.
And here are what they sound like:
1. "I hate this fucking job, and I will be fired."
2. "I've just been fired, and bye-bye everybody."
3. "I need a piss quick, and my legs are crossed."
4. "Oo-ah, that's better and now I need a shit."
5. "My colleague just farted, and left the room, the bastard."
6. "Still, I got my own back and took a piss in his tea."
This may be true
Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the Space Shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields. British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow. The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the US scientists for suggestions. NASA responded with a one-line memo: "Thaw the chicken."
© Copyright 2000 Martin J Burn - The English Atheist
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