Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer during work. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't..."

"Yes, I did."

"My God, what happened!"

"I got fired!"

"No, Bill, I mean what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh... she got fired too."

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons, "I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each one of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.

After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of it's head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals - unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up, "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".

This guy goes out to Las Vegas, and wins really big in one of the casinos. When you win big in Vegas the casino will give you free things, like meals, show tickets, or rooms, this is all designed to keep you there so that you will lose what money you have won.

After he won fifty thousand dollars at the crap table, the casino decides to give the guy a night in the penthouse suite. The guy goes up to the room, opens the big double doors, and steps into a three room suite.

The room is on a corner of the hotel and two walls are nothing but windows, with a fantastic view of the city. There's a wet bar in one corner, with a big screen TV.

The guy drops his bag on money in a chair and stands looking out the windows at the city. He realizes he is all alone and needs someone to share his good fortune with. He calls down to the front desk and tells the clerk to send up one of the best high-priced call girls in the city.

Thirty minutes later there's a knock on the door. The guy opens it and there is the most gorgeous girl he has ever seen. Long blond hair, short red dress, and high spiked heels. She walks into the room. The guy goes over to the bar and fixes two drinks, he gives one to the hooker, and drinks one himself.

"Now, down to business," he says, "how much for a hand job?"

The hooker says, "Honey, a hand job is $500.00"

"What, that's outrageous!"

"Come over here," She says walking towards one of the windows, "see that strip mall over there," pointing out the window, "I own the last two stores on the end. I was able to buy those stores with the money I saved from giving hand jobs. I must be pretty damn good."

"All right, screw it, money is no object."

A half hour after she's done the guy is sitting on the couch reveling in ecstasy. He gets up, goes to the bar and makes two more drinks. He gives one to the hooker and drinks one himself. "That was the best hand job I have ever had. How much for a blow job?"

"Honey, a blow job is $5,000.00"

"What, that's outrageous."

"Come over here," She says walking towards another one of the window, "see that hotel and casino over there on the corner," pointing out the window, "I own that, I was able to buy it with the money I saved from giving blow jobs. I must be pretty damn good, no?"

"All right, screw it, money is no object." The guy gives her $5,000.00

An hour after she's done the guy is laying on the couch, head rolled back, eyes rolled up inside his head, a little drool coming out of the corner of his mouth. He gets up, barely able to stand, staggers over to the bar, mixes two more drinks, gives one to the hooker, and drinks one himself.

"My god, that was the best blow job I have ever had, I've gotta know, how much for some pussy?"

The hooker looks at him and says, "Honey, if I had a pussy, I would own this whole city."

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court on Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one, "How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honour, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."

"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honour. I drew two circles like this...

          ___
         /   \
        |     |
O        \___/

"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd boy)

"Well, your honour, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?"

"Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles)

          ___
         /   \
        |     |
O        \___/

Pierre, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the river. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air, so Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me!".

So our hero grabs a bottle of red wine and splashes it on Marie's lips."What are you doing, Pierre?" shrieks Marie.

"Well, my name is Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot, and when I have red meat I like to have red wine!"

His answer is good enough for Marie and things begin to heat up. So she says: "Pierre, kiss me lower." Our hero rips off her blouse, grabs a bottle of white wine and starts pouring it all over her breasts.

"Pierre, what are you doing?"

"My name is Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot, and when I have white meat I like to have white wine!"

This answer pleases Marie, as they resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans over once more and softly whispers into his ear, "Pierre, kiss me lower."

Pierre tears off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and sprinkles it all over her crotch. He grabs a match and lights it on fire.

Patting the flames out furiously, Marie screams, "PIERRE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!?"

"My name is Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot, and when I go down, I go down in flames!"

One night, Pinnochio's girlfriend says to him, "This stinks. Every time we make love I get splinters."

So Pinnochio goes to Gepetto to ask his advice. Gepetto says, "Sandpaper, my boy, that's all you need."

A few days later Gepetto runs into Pinnochio and says, "So how are you doing with your girlfriend now?"

Pinnochio says, "Who needs girlfriends?"

The Sex Therapist

A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them. The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded, "Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you.

"On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue.

"Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut." The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful.

They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests.

Then he told the Greens the bad news. "I cannot help you, so I willnot take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be. I cannot help."

The Greens pleaded with him, and said, "You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please help us."

"Well, all right", the doctor said. "On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of Cheerios..."

The Snails

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails.

Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me." He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him.

They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place. They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, one thing led to another, and he ended up falling asleep there.

At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails.

There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said: "Come on guys, we're almost there!"

Below are how guys can score points (or lose them) with their women:

Simple Duties
You go out to buy her feminine hygiene products: +5
But return with beer: -5
Only beer: -15
Beer and a buddy: -25

You check out a suspicious noise at night: 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing: 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something: +5
You pummel it with a six iron: +10
It's her father: -10

Social Engagements
You stay by her side the entire party: 0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy: -2
Whose name is Tiffany: -4
Tiffany is a dancer: -6
Tiffany is more endowed than she is: -8

Saturday Afternoons
You visit her parents: +1
You visit her parents and actually make conversation: +3
You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television: -3
And the television is off: -6
You spend the afternoon watching college football in your underwear: -6
And you didn't even go to college: -10
And it's not your underwear: -15

Her Birthday
You take her out to dinner: 0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar: +1
Okay, it is a sports bar: -2
And it's all-you-can-eat night: -3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colours of your favourite team: -10
You give her a gift: 0
You give her a gift, and it's a small appliance: -10
You give her a gift, and it's the power tool you've been wanting: -20
You give her a gift, and it's not a small appliance: +1
You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate: +2
You give her a gift that you have to paying off in installments: +30
but payments are less than $2 per month: -30
You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day: -10
With her credit card: -30
And whatever you bought is two sizes too big: -40

Thoughtfulness
You forget to pick her up at the bus station: -25
Which is in Newark, New Jersey: -35
And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast: -50

A Night Out with Your Pals
You have a few beers: -1
For every beer after three: -2 per beer
And miss curfew by an hour: -12
For every additional hour: -3 per hour
You get home at 5 am: -10
You get home at 5 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars: -20
and cheap perfume: -30
And not wearing any pants: -40
Wearing someone else's pants: -50
Wearing a skirt: -60
Is that a tattoo? -70
Tatoo is your ex girlfriend's name? -200

A Night Out, Just The Two of You
You go see a comic: +2
He's crude and sexist: -2
You laugh: -5
You laugh too much: -10
She's not laughing: -15
You laugh harder: -25

Driving
You lose the directions on a trip: -4
You lose the directions and end up getting lost: -10
You end up getting lost in a bad part of town: -15
You get lost in a bad part of town & meet the locals up close & personal: -25
She finds out you lied about having a black belt: -60

Communication
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression: 0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes: +5
You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the television or picking up a newspaper: +10
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep: -10

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After the check-up, the doctor took the wife aside and said, "Your husband is suffering from severe long-term stress and it's affecting his cardiovascular system. He's a good candidate for either a heart attack or a stroke. If you don't do the following four things, your husband will surely die."

"Okay," she replied, "what can I do?"

"First, each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood."

"Second, at lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work."

"Third, for dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't burden him with household chores."

"Fourth, and most important for invigorating him and relieving stress, have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim in bed."

On the way home in the car, the husband turned to his wife and asked, "So, I saw the doctor talking to you and he sure seemed serious. What did he tell you?"

"You're going to die," she replied.

Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor. The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."

Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?"

The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead."

A guy goes to buy a train ticket, and the girl selling tickets has an incredible set of jugs. He says, "Give me two pickets to Titsburgh... umm... I mean, two tickets to Pittsburgh". He's really embarrassed...

The guy in line behind him says, "Relax, pal. We all make Freudian slips like that. Why, just the other day at the breakfast table, I meant to say to my wife, `Honey, please pass the sugar', but I accidentally said, `You fucking bitch, you've wrecked my life!"

• ATTRACTION: The act of associating horniness with a particular person.
• DATING: The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.
• EYE CONTACT: A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.
• FRIEND: A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.
• INDIFFERENCE: A woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."
• IRRITATING HABIT: What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.
• LAW OF RELATIVITY: How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.
• LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT: What occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy, people meet.
• NYMPHOMANIAC: A man's term for a woman who wants to do it more often than he does.
• SOBER: A condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.
• EASY: A term used to describe a woman who has the morals of a man.

Hospital

Here are some highlights of ER admissions to Chicago General over the past year:

• - A 28-year old male was brought into the ER after an attempted suicide. The man had swallowed several nitroglycerin pills and a fifth of vodka. When asked about the bruises about his head and chest he said that they were from him ramming himself into the wall in an attempt to make the nitroglycerin explode.
• - A woman with shortness on breath and who weighed approximately 500 lbs was dragged into the ER on a tarp by six firemen. While trying to undress the lady, an asthma inhaler fell out of one of the folds under her arm. After an X-ray showed a round mass on the left side of her chest her massive left breast was lifted to find a shiny new dime. And last, but not least-- during a pelvic exam a TV remote control was discovered in one of the folds of her crotch. She became known as "The Human Couch".
• - The most nonemergency ER visit: A male adolescent came in at 2 am with a complaint of belly button lint.
• - A 92-year old woman had a full cardiac arrest at home and was rushed to the hospital. After 30 minutes of unsuccessful resuscitation attempts the old lady was pronounced dead. The doctor went to tell the lady's 78-year old daughter that her mother didn't make it. "Didn't make it? Where could they be? She left in the ambulance forty-five minutes ago!"
• - A 15-year old boy was laying on a stretcher with his mother sitting next to him. The boy was coming down from "crank" (methamphetamine) that he had injected into his veins with needles he had been sharing with his friends. Concerned about this the doctor asked the boy if there was anything he might have been doing that put him at risk for AIDS. The boy thought for a while then said questioningly "You mean like having sex with our dog?"
• - A 19-year old female was asked why she was in the ER. She said that she and her boyfriend were having sex and the condom came off and she wasn't able to retrieve it with her fingers. She went to the bathroom and "gagged myself to vomit but couldn't vomit it up either."

Stupidity

• Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.
• A man in Johannesberg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.
• A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.
• The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.
• A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.
• Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.
• A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.
• Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
• When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.
• A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.

True story. Two older women were picking up a third friend for their weekly lunch when they accidentally ran over and killed her cat. It wasn't a pretty sight, so rather than leave it for the woman's husband to find, they scooped it into a Foley's [southern department store] bag and took it with them, intending to throw it away in the restaurant's dumpster.

Upon their arrival, they discovered that the dumpster was locked. Not wanting to leave the bag in the hot car, they put in on the ground next to the car and went inside to eat. From their window table they could clearly see the car and bag, and so noticed immediately when a woman walked by the closed bag, looked at it with interest, and went on. In a few minutes she returned, looked a little more closely, glanced around to see if she were being watched, and strolled on.

On her third pass, she casually picked up the bag without pausing, and continued on -- into the restaurant! She let herself be seated, placed the bag and her purse on the floor next to her chair, and picked up the menu. She ordered, and again casually picked up the Foley's bag to see what wonderful little item she had managed to snag.

She opened the bag, looked inside, shuddered, and passed out onto the floor. Instantly restaurant staff came to her aid, dialed 9-1-1, and cared for her until the paramedics came and loaded her onto a stretcher to take her to the hospital.

The last thing our three ladies saw was a paramedic as he picked up the woman's purse and the Foleys bag and placed both on her stomach as they wheeled her away.

Tech Support for Etch-A-Sketch(tm)

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has a distorted display. What should I do?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it. Set it down.

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has lines that prevent me from doing my art project.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document from my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I keep from losing my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Stop shaking it.

Bill and Hillary are at the first baseball game of the season. Suddenly Clinton grabs Hillary by the collar and throws her over the side and onto the field. The stunned umpire shouted, "No, Mr. President! I said, `Throw the first PITCH!'"

Bill and Hillary are at a restaurant. The waiter told them the night's special was chicken almondine and fresh fish. "The chicken sounds good; I'll have that," Hillary said. The waiter nodded, "And the vegetable?" "Oh, HE'LL have the fish," Hillary replied.

Bill and Hillary are on a sinking boat. Who gets saved?
The nation.

What do you get when you cross a crooked politician with a dishonest lawyer?
Chelsea.

What does Bill say to Hillary after having sex?
"Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes."

Clinton was looking out of the window and he noticed that someone had urinated the message, "BILL SUCKS!" on a wall outside the White House. Furious, he ordered the FBI to take urine and handwriting samples from every member of the White House staff and find the culprit immediately.

A week later, the FBI director called. "Mr. President, I have good news and bad news," he stated. "The good news is that the urine belongs to Bob Dole."

"And the bad news?" Clinton demanded. After a slight pause, the director replied, "Sir, the handwriting belongs to your wife!"

Clinton returned from a vacation in Arkansas and walked down the steps of Air Force One with two pigs under his arms. At the bottom of the stairs, the honor guardsman stepped forward and remarked, "Nice pigs, Mr. President."

Clinton replied, "I'll have you know that these are genuine Arkansas RazorBack Hogs. I got this one for Chelsea and this one for Hillary. So, now what do you think?"

The honor guardsman answered, "Nice trade, Sir."

Dole was asked the presidential underwear question: boxers or briefs?
After a moment's reflection, he answered, "Depends....."

Quayle, Hillary, and Packwood were traveling in a car together in the Midwest. A tornado came along and whirled them up into the air and tossed them thousands of yards away. When they come to and extract themselves from the vehicle, they realize they're in the Land of Oz.

They decided to go see the Wizard of Oz. Quayle said, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain."

Hillary said, "I am going to ask for a heart."

Packwood said, "Where's that Dorothy?"

Michael Jackson

A confused nine year old boy goes up to his mother and asks, "Mom, is God male or female?"

After thinking a moment, his mother responds, "Well, God is both male and female."

This confuses the little boy so he asks, "Is God black or white?"

"Well, God is both black and white."

This further confuses the boy so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?"

At this point, the mother is getting concerned, but answers anyway, "Honey, God is both gay and straight."

The boy thinks for a moment and then his face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly says, "God is Michael Jackson!!"

The Top 15 Surprises in the Re-Mastered "Star Wars"

15> New scene in which Chewbacca teaches Han Solo how to lick himself.
14> He might not look as fearsome as before, but that Primatene Mist of Darth Vader's seems to have helped his breathing immensely.
13> Added scene in which Tonya Harding whacks Princess Lea on the knee with a light saber.
12> Luke accused of killing ex-wife and advised by Obi Wan to "Use the Fifth, Luke."
11> The commercial tie-in appearance of Jabba's big brother, Pizza the Hut.
10> Newly-colorized Darth Vader is mauve.
9> C3PO has a conspicuous "Intel Inside" sticker on his shiny brass ass.
8> Han, Luke, Obi-Wan and C3PO now sporting bitchin' goatees.
7> New scene where Luke shakes JFK's hand and tells him he has to pee.
6> Jabba the Butt-head saying, "Hehe...hehe...she said, 'Lay ya.'"
5> Revealing scene in the bathroom shows how "Han Solo" got his name.
4> During one lonely night, Princess Lea finds R2D2's special attachment.
3> Anti-fur activists from planet PETA spray Chewbacca with red paint.
2> The X-Wing pilot who blows up the Death Star? Richard Jewell.

and the Number 1 Surprise in the Re-Mastered "Star Wars"...

1> Dismembered victim of Obi-Wan Kenobi's light saber in bar scene? None other than John Wayne Bobbitt.

Top 10 things to do while you are waiting to get on AOL

1. Your 1996 taxes
2. Complete your BA degree
3. Watch your hair grow
4. Finally clean your keyboard
5. Count the tiles on the ceiling 200 times
6. Think about commercials you saw during the Super Bowl
7. Scribble I HAVE NO LIFE on a notepad
8. Read War and Peace, and write a book report on it
9. Contemplate the meaning of a General Protection Fault
10. Watch your AOL stocks decrease in value
11. Become mezmerized by your screen saver
12. Organize your desk
13. Spend "Quality Time" with your hard drive
14. Plan secret mission involving AOL headquarters and several rolls of toilet paper.
16. Try to remember the words to the pledge of allegiance
17. Listen to the radio
18. Contemplate the meaning of the word "unlimited"
19. Clip your toenails
20. GET DRUNK

This is sent to remind skiers how to prepare for the ski season and to remind non-skiers why they do not ski.

• 10. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezerfor half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.
• 9. Go to the nearest hockey rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car.
• 8. For ski boot simulation at home, put a pebble in your street shoesand tighten a C-clamp around your toes.
• 7. Buy a pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.
• 6. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $6.50 for a hamburger. Be sure to wait in the longest line.
• 5. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
• 4. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18 wheeler.
• 3. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. You'd almost believe you're skiing in front of a snowmaker!
• 2. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.
• 1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday.

Blunt Horoscopes

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18) You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes repeatedly. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence over your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are generally a coward. Pisces people screw small animals and pick their nose alot.

Aries (March 21 - April 19) You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick tempered, impatient and scornful of advice. You are a prick.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You are practical and persistent. You have dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddam Communist.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are a bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Gemini are notorious for thriving on incest.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth shit.

Leo (July 23 - August 22) You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and can not tolerate honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving bastards and kiss mirrors alot.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nit-picking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while screwing. Virgos make good bus drivers or pimps.

Libra (September 23- October 22) You are the artistic type and have a diffucult time with reality. If you are a male, you are probably queer. Chances for employment and monetary gain are excellent. Most Libra women are whores. All Libra will die of venereal disease.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics . You are a perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpio are murdered.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarii are drunks or pot heads. People laugh at you alot because you are always getting fucked.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19) You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically a chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of importance. You should kill yourself.