More Favorite AITF Episodes

More Favorite All in the Family Episodes

Joey's Baptism (2/23/76) Written By: Milt Josefsberg and Mel Tolkin

Archie wants to get his grandson, Joey, baptized. However, Mike being an atheist, does not. Edith is collecting clothes for a charity drive at church.

Mike: "Baptism is just a religious ritual."

Archie: "Whaddya mean 'just a religious ritual!' You went through baptism."

Mike: "I renounced it years ago."

***

Archie: "Being baptized makes you religious."

Mike: "Oh, come on Arch, Joey was circumcized, it doesn't make him Jewish."

Archie: "It made him holler, though."

Edith: "Maybe God don't care if we get sprinkled in church or not. Maybe the rain is God's way of baptizing the whole world."

Archie: "Listen to Billy Jean Graham over here."

***

Archie (to Edith): "Why did God put so much unhappiness in the world?"

Edith: "Oh....well, maybe...so when we get to Heaven we'll notice the improvements."

***

Mike: "Look Arch, I'll believe in Heaven when I get there."

Archie: "The day I see you there, I'll worry about where I am!"

Gloria brings down some old clothes for the charity drive. Mike and Gloria leave, while Archie and Edith babysit Joey for the afternoon. Archie has a plan on how to get Joey baptized.

Archie: "Listen, they're gone. Now's our chance, we're goin' to get him baptized."

Edith: "Oh, no we ain't!"

Archie: "Oh, yes we are! It's what God wants and I know what God wants!"

Edith locks Archie's coat and hat in the closet and refuses to give him the key. The phone rings and the man on the other end is lost trying to find their house. He's coming over to pick up the clothes for the charity drive. Edith does her best in giving directions to 704 Hauser Street.

Edith: "...From where you are, can you see Grand Central Parkway? You can? Oh, then you're lost."

While Edith is on the phone, Archie grabs a YALE blue jacket and baseball cap and sneaks out the back door. He wheels Joey in his carriage to the church. When Edith discovers that Archie "kidnapped" Joey, she is frantic. After telling him they were not going to get the baby baptized, Archie did not take "No" for answer.

Instead of finding Reverend Fletcher (uh, Felcher), Archie meets Reverend Chong instead. Even Reverend Chong will not baptize Joey. Since Edith and Reverend Chong said "No," Archie decides to baptize the baby himself.

Archie (holding Joey over the holy water): "...I'm gonna do this, Lord, because I don't want my little grandson growing up without religion in this rotten world of yours. ....Now don't worry, Joey, 'cause see this here thing ain't gonna make you holler, like that other thing they done to you. Now, Lord, this is Joseph Michael Stivic here, a Christian. Joseph Michael Stivic, I baptize thee in the name of the Father, Son and the Holy Ghost."

Archie breathes a sigh of relief, kisses Joey and says:

"I hope that took, Lord, because they're gonna kill me when I get home."

What Archie did to Joey was not right, but his heart was in the right place. I'll be honest here, when I first saw this episode, it almost made me cry. Many know Archie as a loudmouth, arrogant bigot, but this was his tender side--a side that many people did not see. But it was there. It wasn't hard to find, depending on the situation. When watching All in the Family, one should watch more than a couple of episodes to see what the show was really about. Archie may not have been the best Christian, but he wanted his grandson to have religion in his life. Archie really loved Joey and wanted the best for him.

The Draft Dodger (12/25/76) Written Jay Moriarty and Mike Milligan

It's Christmas Eve at the Bunker household and Archie invited his longtime friend, Pinky Peterson over for the Holiday dinner. Archie and Pinky have been playing pranks on each other for years. Archie buys a gag gift for Pinky (a Santa Claus that squirts water when someone squeezes his tie). He tries the joke on Edith, but Archie's the one who gets sprayed with water. While Archie is upstairs putting on a dry shirt, one of Mike's friends, David Brewster, (who went to high school in Chicago with Mike), drops by for a visit.

Mike (to David): "You're down here for good?"

David: "No, not yet."

***

Mike: "Hey, aren't you taking a big chance coming down to the States?"

David: "Yeah...but it's Christmas, you know? Felt like it."

Mike: "What about your folks? Have you been able to see them?"

David: "No, Old Man's not ready for that yet."

***

Gloria: "David, have you met my father yet?"

David: "No, not yet."

Mike: "You're in for a big treat--conservatively speaking, if you know what I mean."

David: "Look...maybe I better clear out of here."

Mike: "It's alright. He's not gonna call the FBI or anything. We'll just have to stay clear of certain subjects that might cause friction--religion, politics, sex, books, movies, war, peace, guns, grapes, lettuce--maybe you better leave."

David: "Yeah."

Mike: "No, no, I'm kidding."

Archie meets David.

Archie: "Where you from? Around here?"

Gloria: "He's from out-of-town, Daddy."

Archie: "Where out-of-town?"

Gloria: "Up North."

Archie: "Oh, where up North?"

Gloria: "A little North of Niagra Falls."

Archie: "Oh, up around Rhode Island way, huh?"

Edith comes out of the kitchen.

Archie: "So, what town are you from, up in Rhode Island, there?"

Edith: "Oh, he's from Canada."

Archie: "Oh, from Canada, that's the other side of the Falls."

Mike distracts Archie with Pinky's Santa gag gift. Mike squeezes the tie and Archie gets sprayed with water again. The doorbell rings. Before opening the door, Archie warns everyone about Pinky.

Archie: "...On the Holidays, Pinky sometimes...he gets feeling a little low, you know? So, if he starts talking about Steve, get him off the subject; make a joke about something funny."

Mike: "Who's Steve?"

Archie: "He's the only son...who got knocked off in Vietnam, see? So, remember--"

Edith tells Archie to open the door. Pinky says "Hello" to Archie, and gives Poinsettia flowers to Edith. Archie then shows Pinky the gag gift and once again, the joke's on Archie. With Edith and Gloria in the kitchen, Archie changing his shirt upstairs, Pinky and David introduce themselves to each other.

Pinky: "I don't think I've met you before. My name is Pinky Peterson." (he holds out his hand and David shakes it).

David: "David Brewster. Merry Christmas."

Pinky: "Merry Christmas, son."

***

Everyone sits down at the table for dinner. Pinky begins to tell a story about a Christmas when Steve was alive, but Archie interrupts him by asking if anyone wanted to hear a Polack joke. Everyone tells Pinky to finish his story and then Archie tells a story when he was a kid during the Great Depression. One Christmas he only wanted a bicycle, nothing else. He never got the bicycle, he was given heavy underwear instead. Archie then asks David about Canada again.

Archie: "What the hell you got in Canada that you ain't got here?"

David: "Freedom."

Archie: "Awww, come on, will ya? You got more freedom in the U.S. of A. than you got any place else in the world. This is the land of the free, given to you, ever hear of that?"

David: "Mr. Bunker, for some of us, America is not free."

Archie: "I think it's free for everybody in this room, around this here table. I don't know what you're talking about. What the hell do you mean by not free?"

***

Archie: "Whenever I ask him (David) what he's doin' up in Canada, it ain't like you're a deserter from the Army is that it?"

David: "No, sir, I'm not a deserter."

Archie: "Well, I didn't think you was. I was just trying to figure out--"

David: "I'm a draft dodger."

Archie (to Edith): "What did he say?"

Edith: "He said he was a draft dodger. Come on, everybody eat, eat."

Archie: "You mean a draft dodger from the Selective Service of the U.S. of A?"

David: "Yes, sir."

Archie: "Edith, hey Edith! Before you start eatin' over there, listen to this over here--draft dodger, fugitive from justice, FBI, you know. Edith, how would you like the FBI for Christmas dinner here."

Edith: "Oh, Archie, we don't have enough turkey."

Archie: "I want nobody to touch no food here, until I get an explanation of this!"

Gloria: "Daddy, David doesn't owe you or anybody at this table an explanation."

Archie: "He owes an explanation to the Army, Navy, Marine Core, Commander-in-Chief of the U.S. of A.--the President!"

Mike: "Will you put the flag away, it's Christmas, not the Fourth of July!"

David: "I wrote to the President about it, Mr. Bunker. He couldn't come up with as many reasons for killing people, as I could for not killing them."

Archie: "Whaddya know about that? How do you like that, Pinky, huh? We got a draft dodger here who writes a snotty letter to the Commander-in-Chief. I mean, what the hell do you do with that?"

David (gets up out of his chair): "Look, Mr. Bunker, I don't want to spoil your Christmas dinner. Maybe I'd better go."

Gloria: "You're not going anywhere."

Edith: "Please don't go."

Archie (bolts out of his chair and walks toward David): "Certainly, he's gotta go! What the hell are you talkin' about? If the FBI was to find him here, we'd be havin' Christmas dinner in the Whosegal."

Gloria: "Daddy, don't be making a huge crisis out of this!"

Mike (throws down his napkin, stands up, and walks toward Archie and David): "Look, Arch, what David did took a lot of guts!"

Archie: "Waddya mean 'a lot of guts!'

David (to Mike): "My own father doesn't understand, so why should he?"

Mike (to Archie): "When the hell are you going to admit that the war was wrong?"

Archie (shouting--getting angrier by the minute): "I ain't talkin' about that war! I ain't talkin' about that goddamn war no more! I'm talkin' about somethin' else! And what he did was wrong...sayin' he won't go! You think people in this country can say whether or not they want to go to war?! You couldn't get a decent war off the ground that way! All the young could say no, sure they would, because they don't wanna get killed! That's why we leave it to the Congress because them old cracks ain't gonna get killed! And they're gonna do the right thing and get behind the President and vote YES!"

Pinky: "Arch, if my opinion is of any importance--"

Archie (still angry--face red and sweating): "Certainly, your opinion is important--a Gold Star father! Your opinion is more important than anybody else in this room and I want to hear that opinion. I want the young people here to hear that opinion. You tell 'em, Pinky, you tell 'em!"

Pinky: "I understand how you feel, Arch. My kid hated the war, too. But he did what he thought he had to do and David here, he did what he thought he had to do. But David's alive to share Christmas dinner with us. And if Steve were here, he'd want to sit down with him. And that's what I want to do." (holds out his hand to David) "Merry Christmas, David."

David (shakes Pinky's hand): "Merry Christmas, sir."

Gloria (telling Archie to sit down, by gesturing with her hand): "Daddy?"

Archie (calmer, but still very upset): "No, no."

Edith: "You know what I think we oughta do now?"

Gloria: "What?"

Edith: "I think we oughta eat."

Archie: "I gotta work this out."

***

Archie: "I still gotta work this out, and you better remind me to do that, Edith."

Edith: "I will."

Carolers are singing near the Bunker's house. Archie goes to the door and tells them to shut up. But after they say Merry Christmas to him, he wishes them a Merry Christmas as well. Archie closes the front door, with the huge wreath saying PEACE.

The Vietnam War had ended the year before this episode first aired. The unpopular war of the sixties and seventies was still very fresh in many American's minds. Large groups of soldiers were sent home between 1969 and 1973 and yet, during that time, young men were still being sent off to Vietnam. The public felt they were horrible for what they had done over there and would ridicule, spit, and frown upon them. Not everyone was this way, but a great number of people were. The soldiers had done what they thought was right, just as Pinky said. Archie had fought for his country during WWII, when he was needed and felt that when you were called up, you had to go no matter what. It was your patriotic duty. However, there were some people who felt the same way as David did. He believed killing was wrong and so he ran away to Canada. Just as Pinky, said, he too, felt he did the right thing. This subject, like aborition, can be very sensitive to some. The actors and actresses handled this episode well. Carroll O'Connor's outburst of rage was not acting, he really felt for the moment. I cannot describe the facial features he gives during his speech, it is something that you must see for yourself. It is a few minutes in television history that can never be repeated again. It was too real.

The Joys of Sex (2/5/77) Written By: Erik Tarloff

Edith receives a book in the mail--How to Be Your Husband's Mistress. She is about to starting reading it when Gloria comes over asking her for help with a sweater she's knitting for Joey. Edith hides the book from Gloria, but she soon finds it and is shocked. She wonders why Edith has the book and then wonders if there's something wrong between her parents.

Gloria (to Edith): "Can't you talk with Daddy?"

Edith: "I can't talk to your father. He won't listen. I can't do it!" (she runs up the stairs).

Gloria (calling after her): "Well, if you can't talk to him, who can?"

Gloria tries to ask Mike to talk to Archie.

Mike: "Not me! I'm not having a sex problem with Archie! Ma's gotta talk to him. I can't just go up to him and say, 'Hi, Arch, I hear you and Ma are having problems in the sack.'"

Gloria: "Can't you be more delicate?"

***

Gloria: "Don't you remember...remember your problem that you had and" (she laughs) "Daddy told you, you were just 'stuck in neutral?'"

Mike: "I remember--"

Gloria: "Well, he helped you out, didn't he?"

Mike: "What help? He told me to jog."

***

Mike: "Can't we just buy Archie a book--Pat Boone's Twixt, Twelve and Twenty?"

Gloria shoves him out the door. Mike heads over to Kelcy's to lecture Archie on the "facts of life."

Mike (to Archie): "Well, it's kind of a personal problem."

Archie: "Awww, geez! My generation never had these 'personal problems.' Oh, how lucky we was. All we had was the Depression, Eleanor Roosevelt, and a bad team in Brooklyn."

***

Archie (to Mike about his "problem"): "Is this something that can be fixed with a little jogging?

Mike: "It's a bit more complicated than that."

Archie: "Come on, what part of you ain't working now!"

Mike: "I don't know how to begin."

Archie (wide-eyed): "You forgot that?!"

Mike: "Arch, what should I do, if I found out that Gloria bought a book called How to Be Your Husband's Mistress?"

Archie: "She bought that book?"

Mike: "Well, let's just say she did."

Archie: "Well, I'd raise hell with her."

Mike: "Why?

Archie: "She could've checked that book out for free at the library."

***

Mike: "Arch, how do people know when they're satisfied?"

Archie: "...Just ask yourself one simple question."

Mike: "What's that?"

Archie: "You ask yourself, 'Am I satisfied with this here?' If you feel yourself blushing the answer's 'yes.' If you feel like you wanna throw up, the answer's 'no.'"

Mike: "How do you usually feel?"

Archie: "I don't talk about that! I wouldn't even have told that naked in front of the Army doctors!"

Mike: "Have you ever been able to talk about this with Ma?"

Archie: "No, no! You don't talk about a thing like this with your wife!"

Mike: "Why not?"

Archie: "Because, Meathead, you talk about these things and you spoil the mysteegeries of things."

Mike: "Arch, if you can't talk about it with Ma, then how are you ever gonna know if things...are...good between you two."

Archie: "What are you talkin' about your mother-in-law and me for? Your supposed to be talkin' about Gloria and you, ain't ya?"

Mike: "Ah--"

Archie: "Come on, out with it!"

Mike: "Ah--"

Archie: "You're wasting my time!"

Mike: "Ah--"

Archie: "Listen to this guy, Ah-Ah-, you sound like a seal with its throat cut! Come on, spit it out!"

Mike: "Well, lately, there hasn't been much blushing going on in this family, and I don't mean me and Gloria. Figure it out. I'm so embarrassed!"

Mike runs out of Kelcy's Bar, leaving Archie stunned at what he just told him. He finally goes home and has a talk with Edith.

Archie (to Edith): "Was you doin' any talkin' to the Meathead about, uh, you and me, and you-know-what?"

Edith: "You know what-what?"

Archie: "Help me, Lord. Help me, Lord. Give me a word. Privaties, the uh, privaties of the, uh, bedroom."

Edith: "Ohhh."

Archie: "Ohhh, ding, ding, ding, ding!"

Edith: "No! I'd never talk to Mike about that. Gloria talked--"

Archie: "Gloria! Now I understand the roundabouts of the whole thing! She was over here and you had a woman-to-woman talk with your daughter, yeah!"

Edith: "Oh, I never--"

Archie: "And she went home and had a woman-to-man talk with her husband, then he trots down to Kelcy's and forces me into a man-to-Meathead conversation with him!"

Edith: "I don't know what you're talkin' about."

Archie: "Yeah, but you never talked the woman-to-man thing with your husband, huh?"

Edith: "Oh, I'd love to do that, Archie, but you never wanna listen. Would you?"

Archie "No! ...We will have no discussions between you and me about between you and me! I will not let you talk ever about our sex life! What the hell's wrong with it?!"

Edith: "Nothing...I think."

Archie: "What do you mean, 'you think?' Ain't I always there...when you're...in the mood?"

Edith (blushing and smiling): "Oh, yeah, Archie...even when I ain't."

Archie: "Even when you ain't, how lucky can you get?!"

Edith: "I know. I was always lucky about that, even before we was married."

Archie (yelling): "Who did you get lucky with before we was married?!"

Edith: "No! Archie, I didn't mean that! I meant, before we was married, I had a long talk with my mother."

Archie makes a face.

Edith: "She said to me that there was one thing about marriage that I wasn't gonna like, but it was a wife's duty and I thought she was talkin' about doin' the laundry because that's the only part of marriage that wasn't no fun."

Archie: "Is this gonna be long, Edith."

Edith: "No, so when I got preg--"

Archie: "Not a nice word! Not a nice word!"

Edith: "Oh...when I got 'in the family way' with Gloria--"

Archie: "Better, better, better, yeah."

Edith: "My mother said to me, 'I see you're doing your duty as a wife,' and then I knew what she meant! And then I didn't have the heart to tell her, that...I liked it. (She smiles and blushes again).

Archie: "Well, you should've told the Old Lady that! I mean, maybe she would've given me some kind of respect."

Edith: "Oh, no, never. It would've broken her heart."

Edith then tells a story of how she went to the coffee shop to see the waitress with whom Archie almost had an affair with. She saw that the woman looked younger than her and felt she was going to lose Archie. She didn't.

Archie: "Edith, to these two eyes, weak as they may be, you are more beautiful than anybody I can think of."

Edith: "Archie, do you think...do you feel that you've been missin' something. I mean, do I make you happy?"

Archie: "Do I make you happy? Edith, you make me happy, in every way." (He winks)

The Joys of Sex may have been a catchy title, however, this episode is very beautiful because it shows that even people Archie and Edith's age can still love each other very much.

Edith's 50th Birthday--Part 1 (10/16/77) Written By: Bob Schiller and Bob Weiskopf

Mike and Gloria are planning a surprise party at their house for Edith's 50th birthday. They are trying to get Archie more involved.

Gloria (to Archie): "When she comes in, if she's not surprised, I'm gonna know you told her!"

Archie: "The birthdays, the Mother's Days, the Father's Days, the Christmases, all these things were all invented by two guys to sell cards --Hall and Marks."

Edith comes down the stairs singing her favorite song Moon River. Mike and Gloria wish her a Happy Birthday.

Edith (to Archie): "Don't you wanna wish me somethin' too?"

Archie: "Certainly, I wish you wouldn't sing no more!"

Edith: "Oh, Archie! Don't you know what day this is?"

Archie: "It's Saturday."

Edith: "No, it's somethin' else besides Saturday!"

Archie: "....Oh, my word, how time has flew! I remember, this is the first day of National Spade the Cat Week."

Edith: "Oh, if you don't know what day it is, I ain't gonna tell you."

Archie: "Okay, Edith, I'll spend the rest of the day, trying to figure it out."

After Edith heads into the kitchen, Gloria tells Archie the plan on how to get her over to their house at six o'clock.

Gloria: "You tell Ma you're coming over to babysit Joey."

Archie: "Babysit Joey."

Gloria: "And that she is to pick you up at six o'clock sharp."

Archie: "Six o'clock sharp."

Gloria: "And that you are taking the two of you out to dinner."

Archie: "Out to dinner."

Gloria: "Then, when she walks in the front door, we all yell surprise!"

Archie: "And that's when your mother wets her pants."

Gloria (hitting him in the arm): "Daddy!"

Archie (to Mike): "Will you tell her to stop it, here?"

Mike: "Gloria, stop it."

Gloria hits Archie in the arm again. Archie then asks what he got Edith for her birthday and Gloria tells him he bought her a beautiful cardigan sweater. She reminds him to bring over Edith's punch bowl because Joey's goldfish is swimming in theirs. After Mike and Gloria leave to finish decorating for the party, Archie finds Edith in the kitchen baking a birthday cake.

Edith (to Archie): "Today is my birthday!"

Archie: "I can remember birthdays...sorry, Edith, but birthdays give me the blues."

Edith: "Oh, don't be blue, Archie! Come on, cheer up! Be happy!" She tickles him and then gives him a kiss.

Archie (taking her hands): "Now, come on, don't be silly. We ain't a couple of kids here, Edith, come on now. Between the two of us, we're pressin' more than a hundred years of fated flesh here."

Edith (smiling): "Oh, then you do remember how old I am!"

Archie: "Yeah, you're fifty, ain't ya?"

Edith: "That's right! How did you remember that?"

Archie: "Oh, I got a romantic way of remembering that, Edith. You're as old as Lindbergh's airplane."

Edith laughs.

Edith: "You know I don't feel like fifty, do I look fifty?"

Archie: "You wanna know the truth?"

Edith: "Not today."

Archie wishes her a Happy Birthday and then tells her to pick him up next door at six o'clock. He reminds her that she should use the front door, instead of the back because it is more polite. Archie leaves and the doorbell rings. Sybil Gooley is on the doorstep and is mad at Edith for not being invited to her party. Sybil just let the cat out of the bag, but Edith still invites her to her party. As she leaves, a man appears at the door, Sybil throws Edith a look, saying "Who's this?" as if Edith already knew him.

Man (to Edith): "Hiya, my name's Detective Lambert from the Police Department. I'd like to ask you a couple of questions, if I could."

Edith: "Oh, sure! Come on in."

***

Detective Lambert: "You see, Mrs. Bunker, there's a man in your neighborhood who's been molesting women."

Edith: "Oh."

Detective Lambert: "So, I'd like to ask you and your husband a couple of questions, if I could."

Edith: "Oh, sure, but my husband ain't here."

Detective Lambert: "Oh, that's a shame."

Edith: "Nobody's here."

***
Detective Lambert: "....This won't take long. Let me just describe him to you, in case you see him. He's a man of my height and build, wears a gray suit, dark hat" (he hangs his hat on the coat hook), "and a blue and gold striped tie."

Edith: "Just like the one your wearing."

Detective Lambert: "Yeah, just exactly like the one I'm wearing." (He locks the front door).

"Detective" Lambert (strolling over to Edith): "Now, you listen to me. You cooperate with me and you're not going to get hurt." (He shoves Edith into her chair and she gasps).

"Detective" Lambert (grabbing her wrist): "Okay now, you don't make any trouble and everything's going to be fine, you understand?"

Edith (voice quivering): "I got money upstairs, eight dollars! I can write you a check!"

Rapist: "I don't want your money. I don't want to hurt you, but you see this?" (He pulls out a gun and shoves it into her face) "I'd hate to have to use it." (Edith is shaken)

Edith: "I...hate...to have you have to."

Rapist: "Alright, then. All you have to do is exactly what I tell you and everything's going to be fine."

He grabs Edith and presses himself against her. In the process, he rips off her apron.

Edith: "What are you gonna do to me?!"

Rapist: "Just exactly what you think I'm going to do!"

Edith: "Oh, no! You wouldn't do that! You wouldn't--"

Rapist: "I will."

He drags Edith to the couch, pushes her down and falls on top of her. He sits up and takes off his jacket.

Edith (in shock): "What are you gonna do?! You ain't takin' off your clothes are you?!"

He unties his tie and then unbuttons his shirt.

Rapist: "Yeah, then I'm gonna take yours off."

Edith: "Would you like a cup of coffee instead?!"

Rapist (finishes unbuttoning his shirt and tosses it aside): "I don't drink coffee."

Edith: "I--I got Sanka!"

Rapist: "You're stalling, it ain't gonna work. Now this is going to happen."

Edith tries to push him off of her and chatters on about how she wasn't supposed to know that it was a surprise for her, but she knows anyway and she has go over there by six o'clock.

Rapist: "It's only five-thirty now."

Edith: "Did I say six o'clock, I meant five-thirty! I have to be there by five-thirty or else they'll come over here lookin'--"

Rapist: "There's plenty of time."

Edith then tells him that she's old, as old as Lindbergh's airplane.

Rapist: "I like older women."

Edith: "But I'm married."

Rapist: "So am I."

She rattles off more information about the party.

Rapist: "There's plenty of time. You know, you smell wonderful."

Edith: "That's Lemon Pledge!"

The telephone rings.

Rapist: "Let it ring."

Edith: "No..."

Edith explains that it is Archie on the other end and he knows that she's home. She goes on to say that if she didn't answer he'll wonder where she is. The rapist pulls her firmly off of the couch and pushes her toward the phone.

Rapist: "Answer it! And then get rid of him!"

The caller turns out to be Sybil wondering what gift she would like for her birthday. Edith tells her not to spend any money on her. Sybil wonders why she sounds so quiverly and choked up, Edith answers that she's been running around the house.

Rapist: "Get rid of her!"

Edith: "She wants to know what I've been doing."

The rapist grabs the phone and orders her to say goodbye to Sybil. Edith says goodbye and hangs up the phone.

Rapist: "That's very good. That was good. You did very good."

He then makes an advance by kissing Edith hard and she tries to push him away by hitting him in the shoulders.

Edith (sounding husky): "You better stop."

Rapist: "Why?"

Edith: "Because I'm gonna be sick...all over you!"

She runs into the kitchen to the sink with her hand covering her mouth. The rapist follows close behind.

At the Stivic's....

Archie tells Mike and Gloria he forgot the punch bowl at the house. He heads over there to get it. Before heading over, he sees Joey's goldfish floating on top of the water. Archie tells Mike to pour the fish down the sink. Gloria is horrified and cries that "Mr. Jaws" died. Mike hugs her and Archie is going to clean the "fish" bowl.

Edith is hovered over the sink, but nothing happened.

Rapist: "Lady, you aren't going to be sick, you're just stalling, it ain't gonna do you no good. This is going to happen." He runs his hand through her hair.

Edith (on the verge of tears): "Oh, please don't do that. Please go away. I won't tell nobody you was here."

Rapist: "Lady, I want you to tell everybody I was here."

Edith: "We shouldn't do this, we're strangers."

Rapist: "Well, we ain't gonna be strangers for long, are we?"

He presses himself against her.

Edith (crying): "Oh, please, you're hurting me!"

Rapist: "Just cooperate with me...."

Edith: "Wait a minute! I gotta go!"

Rapist: "Go where?"

Edith: "To the bathroom! Honestly, I do! It'll only take a few minutes."

Rapist: "Okay, okay, go."

He lets go of her and she runs toward the stairs. The rapist follows. She makes it to the first landing and turns around, facing him.

Edith: "Where're you going?"

Rapist: "You're going to the bathroom? I'm going with you!"

Edith (slowly walks down the stairs): "I'll go tomorrow."

Seeing an escape, Edith runs to the front door and tries to unlock it, but the rapist grabs her. She screams as he picks her up, and carries her to the couch. He roughly pushes her down.

Rapist: "Scream, lady, scream! That's it! In the neighborhood, nobody answers a scream for more than an hour. Believe me, I know."

He takes his tie and proceeds to tie Edith's hands together.

Edith: "What's that for?!"

Rapist: "Lady, I'm gonna tie up."

Back at the Stivics....

Archie finishes cleaning out the punch bowl when him and Mike get into an argument. Archie, still holding the bowl, drops it, shattering glass all over the kitchen floor. Now, he really has to go home and get Edith's punch bowl.

The rapist finishes tying Edith's hands together. All of a sudden, she hears Barney Hefner's dog, Rusty, barking. Rusty only barks at Archie. Edith knows Archie is near. She tries to tell the rapist that her husband is coming home, but he doesn't believe her. Archie pounds on the door, wondering why Edith locked it. The rapist, holding the gun, orders Edith not to tell Archie what's going on or both of them will be dead. He pulls her off the couch and pushes her toward the door. Edith lets Archie in and does her best to put on a happy face. Archie runs in to get the punch bowl, unaware that the rapist is hiding in the closet. He leaves, and Edith is again, trapped and alone. The rapist comes out of the closet, locks the door, and grabs her. He's about to kiss her again.

Edith: "No! Wait a minute!"

Rapist: "What?"

Edith: "Could we do this without kissin'?"

Rapist: "Okay, yeah, but you're gonna change your mind."

He makes his next move by unzipping her dress.

Edith: "Wait! There's something burning in the kitchen!"

Rapist: "What is it?"

Edith: "It's in the kitchen."

Rapist: "Okay, okay, come on!" He pulls her into kitchen. Smoke is coming out of the oven.

Edith (screaming and sobbing): "Oh! There's a fire...a fire! My cake! My birthday cake is burning!"

She pulls open the door and takes out the burnt cake.

Rapist: "Get rid of it! Get rid it!"

Instead of getting rid it, Edith smashes the hot pan into the rapist's face. She runs and tries to escape through the back door. The rapist ends up grabbing her. She screams, kicks him in the groin and pushes him out the door. Still screaming, she runs to the front door. Being so scared and shaken, she has trouble unlocking it, but finally gets it open, and runs toward Mike and Gloria's house.

It's almost six o'clock and Archie is telling everyone the plan for when Edith comes through the door. Edith surprises everyone by coming in through the back door. They all yell surprise! scaring her even more.

Edith (screaming): "Archie, Archie!"

Edith runs right into Archie's arms and is sobbing. Someone notices her unzipped dress and zips it back up. The guests all sing Happy Brithday, unaware of what went on at 704 Hauser Street the half hour before.

Archie: "Edith! Can't you do anything right? You were supposed to come in the front door."

Archie feels her shaking.

Archie: "Wait a minute...those aren't happy tears. Whatsa matter, huh?"

***

This was no doubt the scariest All in the Family episode. When I first saw it, I could not even leave the TV to answer a phone call from a friend...it was very intense. The scene where Archie comes in to get the punch bowl, I wanted to shout, "Archie, there's a man in your closet!" But of course, I didn't. When Edith threw the cake into the rapist's face I wanted to cheer. As she ran to the door, I was saying, "Go! Go!" along with the audience because I wasn't sure if she was going to get out. When you watch this episode, listen to the audience's reaction after Edith stands up to her attacker. The audience and viewers at home loved Edith so much, they didn't want to see her hurt. As for the man who played the rapist (David Dukes), after this episode aired, he recieved death threats for nearly raping Edith Bunker. People really felt for the characters on this show, this is one of the reasons why it seems so real.

In 1973, viewers watched as Gloria spoke about her attack. That episode was well done, however, this one is scarier in some ways because it happened in Edith's home. Some people may feel that they "overdid" the rape issue, but this 1977 episode shows that not only young women could be attacked. It can happen to anyone, no matter how old they are. Jean Stapleton had won an award for her acting in 'Edith's 50th Birthday.' There's not much to say about that except--she really deserved it! Her acting was superb, along with Carroll O'Connor's, and cannot be repeated.

When this episode ended, I wanted to know what happened to Edith, I needed to know if she was going to be okay. I remember thinking as the credits rolled, "That can't be it! There has to be more!" And there was....

Edith's 50th Birthday--Part 2 (10/16/77) Written By: Bob Schiller and Bob Weiskopf

Archie takes a hysterical Edith away from the guests and into Mike and Gloria's room. Still shaking and sobbing, she does her best to explain to Archie what happened to her.

Archie: "A man come over to the house and he was lookin' for the man, who was the man...what does that mean?"

Edith: "He had a gun!"

Archie: "He had a gun!"

Edith: "He said he was going to kill me!"

Archie: "Did he?!"

Edith: "Nooo!"

Archie: "But...I mean, what did he do?"

Edith: "He--he--he--"

Archie: "Come on, Edith. What did he want?"

Edith (silent for a moment, then answers): "Me."

Archie (softly): "You? Did the guy...rape you?"

Edith (shaking her head violently): "No! No! He tried to."

Archie: "He tried to? What did he do?"

Edith: "Oh, Archie. It was awful." (sobbing) "I thought he was gonna kill me!"

Archie: "Oh, Edith! Oh, Edith...Edith...Edith..." (he hugs her) "He must've been over there when I was lookin' for the punch bowl!"

Edith: "He was hiding in the closet."

Archie: "Why didn't you tell me?"

Edith: "He said he would do something to you too!"

Archie: "Do somethin' to me? What the hell was he, some kind of a fruit, too?"

Mike and Gloria come in the room and tell Edith they can't have cake until she opens her presents. Then, they notice something's wrong with Edith.

Gloria: "What's wrong, Ma?"

Archie: "Listen, Little Girl, something bad has befelt the family."

Gloria: "Did a relative die?"

Archie: "No, I said something bad! I don't know how to tell you this, Little Girl."

Gloria: "You're not my father."

Archie: "No."

Gloria: "No?!"

Archie: "Yes! Look at the fat cheeks, where the hell you think you got them! Edith, tell your daughter what happened."

Edith: "I can't."

Archie tells Gloria what happened.

Archie (to Gloria): "...He tried to" (softly) "rape your mother."

Mike (shouting): "He tried to rape her!"

Archie (to Mike): "Don't say bad things in words!"

Mike wants to call the police, but Edith doesn't want to talk to anyone. Archie and Mike check out the house to make sure the rapist was gone. They find his clothes in the closet. No one was there. Gloria ended up calling the police and they appear at 704 Hauser and arrest Archie.

Mike (to the police): "You got the wrong guy! The guy we're looking for is good looking!"

Archie: "Awww, shut up!" The police let Archie go and Mike hands them the clothing, so the police could use it for evidence.

Policeman (to Edith): "Can you identify these clothes, Ma'am?"

Edith (horrified): "No! He'll kill me. He'll kill me! He'll kill me!" She runs upstairs.

Two weeks later. Edith has been inside the house doing and redoing the ironing and washing while Archie handles the grocery shopping. He pounds on the door, and Edith runs upstairs. Gloria lets him in, while a bag of eggs falls on the floor. Gloria takes the two bags and puts them in the kitchen.

Archie: "If I ever get my hands on that raperer, I'm going to turn him into a unique!"

Gloria: "Well, you blew your chance, Daddy. There's no one around to identify him, so they let him go."

Gloria then talks to Archie on how to treat Edith in this difficult situation.

Gloria (to Archie): "Right now, she is full of fear, anger, and she's scared of everything. She doesn't feel safe in her own house. ...Right now, Ma needs a little TLC."

Archie: "Are you kidding? No doctor in the world will give her a shot of that! She gets high on an aspirin!"

Gloria: "Daddy! TLC means Tender Loving Care!"

***

Gloria (to Archie): "I want you to go upstairs and be affectionate with Ma!"

Archie: "But if I do that, she'll think I'm tryin' to attack her."

Gloria: "No, no, you're wrong. See, what happened to Ma had nothing to do with sex; it was an act of violence."

Archie goes upstairs to find Edith making their bed (again). Archie tells Edith to sit next to him. He puts his arm around her and gives her a kiss. Edith hesitates at first, but then slowly responds.

Edith: "Do you still love me?"

Archie: "Why do you think I'm tryin' all this, whaddya call it, LTD on you?"

Edith: "What's that?"

Archie: "Uh, Love Til Daylight or somethin'."

Edith: "Archie, I'm still scared."

Archie: "There's no reason to be scared, don't be scared, Edith." He hugs her.

Gloria comes into the room. Archie is still hugging Edith.

Archie (to Gloria): "Learn to knock! Learn to knock! Learn to knock!"

Gloria tells Archie she wants to talk to Edith and he heads back downstairs. Gloria explains to Edith that the police had just called and the same man attacked another woman. This woman won't identify him either because she is too scared. Edith is too scared as well. Gloria begs her to identify the man so he won't hurt anyone else. Edith runs downstairs screaming, trying to get away from Gloria.

Edith (yelling): "I wanna forget it!"

Gloria: "You're being selfish!"

Edith: "I ain't bein' selfish!" (Edith crashes into her chair and sits hunched over with her hands covering her ears.

Gloria: "Yes, you are!"

Archie and Mike were in the kitchen when they heard all the commotion in the living room. Archie and Mike stand in the doorway, looking terrified and hurt, watching Edith slip away into isolation.

Gloria: 'You're gonna let him do, what he did to you, to God knows how many other women!" (shouting) "I can't believe it! I'm ashamed of you! The mother I knew would never refuse! My mother always helps other people! Ma, you know what? You are selfish! You're not my mother anymore!" Edith bolts out of her chair and slaps Gloria hard across the face. She hesitates and realizes what she had done.

Edith (sobbing and hugging her): "Oh, Gloria...Gloria! I'm so sorry!"

Gloria: "It's alright, Ma! It's alright! Shhh...shhh, it's alright."

Edith: "I'm sorry."

Gloria: "I understand, Ma."

Mike and Archie are still watching from the kitchen doorway.

Edith: "Come on, Archie."

Archie (walking over to Edith): "Where're we gonna go, Edith?"

Edith: "Down to the police station."

Archie: "You ain't gonna identify that guy, are you?"

Edith: "Yeah, if it's him...I gotta stop him." Edith hugs Gloria again and then tells to put away the ironing and wash. Archie and Edith head out the door to the police station.

Two's A Crowd (2/12/78) Written By: Phil Sharp

Mike and Archie are cleaning up "Archie's Place" and closing for the night. While bringing in a couple cases of beer into the storage room, Mike closes the door which cannot be opened from the inside--there's no knob. Both of them are locked in until the next morning. At first, Archie and Mike are angry with each other, wrap themselves in Kelcy's old awning to keep warm, they turn to booze and reveal times in their lives that had delicately been swept aside in the past.

Mike (discouraged): "I've told you a thousand times, I don't like it when you call me a Polack! Why do you call me a Polack? I'm a human being! A human being! Why can't you think of me as a human being?"

Archie: "Because you're an animal. You was like a wolf comin' in here after my Little Girl!"

Mike (yelling): "Oh, not this again!"

Archie: "Yeah, this again! Then and now and forever and always! It's only nature there, that the fathers-ins-laws is gonna hate the sons-ins-laws there. Hey, when I took Edith away, Edith's Old Man--that's the reason he hated me! He said he had a whole lot of other reasons...but that was the reason."

Mike: "I think there were other reasons too, Arch."

Archie: "Oh, you're never on my side for nothin' there! You never even met Edith's father and your taking his side over mine. ...He told longer stories than Edith..."

***

Mike: "Why must you always call me Meathead?"

Archie: "Oh, what the hell! Why does that bother you so much? I'll bet I wasn't the first one to call you Meathead."

Mike: "You were the only one who called me Meathead. They never called me Meathead in school; they always called me Michael...what did they call you in school?"

Archie: "Ah, different things."

Mike: "Tell me, what did they call you in school?"

Archie: "Well, I remember one winter during the Depression, we didn't have no money 'cause the Old Man lost his job....I wore out a shoe, one shoe. So, I couldn't go to school with only one shoe, see? But my mother, she found a boot. So, I had a shoe on one foot and a boot on the other. Shoe-boot. So, the kids called me "Shoe-Booty."

Mike laughs.

Archie: "They used to holler, "Tutti Fruity, here comes Shoe-Booty!"

Mike contiues to laugh.

Archie: "And they kept callin' me that until they found out my name was Archibald. Then, they thought that was funny. And then I wished they'd go back to Shoe-Booty."

Mike: "Kids all made fun of you, huh?"

Archie: "Yeah, they all made fun, well, except one black kid by the name of Winston."

Mike: "A black kid liked you?"

Archie: "No, beat the hell outta me."

Mike: "Why? ....There must've been a reason."

Archie: "Well, he said that I said he was a n*****."

Mike: "Did you?"

Archie: "Sure."

Mike: "Well then that's the reason!"

Archie: "What the hell reason is that?! That's what them people was called in them days then! I mean, everybody we knew called them people n*****s. That's all my Old Man called 'em. What the hell was I supposed to call 'em? I didn't know the diff--you call 'em a Wop? You couldn't call 'em a Wop because Wops is what we called the Dagos."

Mike: "Did you ever think--did you ever think that possibly your father just might be wrong?"

Archie: "Wrong? My Old Man? Don't be stupid. Let me tell you somethin' about him, he was never wrong about nothin'!"

Mike: "Yes, he was, Arch."

Archie: "Huh?!"

Mike: "My Old Man used to call people the same things as your Old Man. But I knew he was wrong, so was your Old Man."

Archie: "No, he wasn't!"

Mike: "Yes he was, your father was wrong."

Archie: "No!"

Mike (yelling): "Your father was wrong!"

Archie: "Don't tell me my father was wrong! Let me tell you somethin'! The father who made you--wrong? The father, the breadwinner of the house there? The man who goes out and busts his butt to keep a roof over your head and clothes on your back, you call your father wrong? Hey, hey, your father, your father, that's the man who comes home bringin' you candy. Your father's the first guy ever to throw a ball to you. And take you for walks in the park, holding you by the hand. My father held me by the hand...oh, he had a hand on him now, I tell you. He busted that hand once, and he busted it out on me, to teach me to do good. My father, he shoved me in closet for seven hours, to teach me to do good....'cause he loved me! He loved me. Let me tell you something, you're supposed to love your father...because your father loves you." Archie taps Mike on the shoutder. "Now, how can a man who loves you, tell you anything wrong?"

Mike is silent. He begins to realize why Archie is the way he is and always will be. Archie staggers over to an empty space on the floor, lays down and passes out. Mike takes the awning and covers a sleeping Archie with it. Mike sits down on a crate and stares ahead, thinking.

Mike: "Goodnight, Shoe-Booty."

This was another touching episode of All in the Family. We learn things about Archie and Mike's lives that were never really discussed before. It takes a locked room and booze for the opposite ends to open up. There's a part where Archie was talking about how his father abused him. You can hear the audience laugh after he says, "He busted that hand once, and he busted it out on me, to teach me to do good." I'm not sure why people laughed at that, but it was not funny at all. There's nothing humorous about child abuse. Here, Archie was revealing a difficult time in his life and all the audience could do was laugh! Archie's not being the familiar bigot now. He's showing us yet another side we rarely see. Mike and the viewers learn why Archie became the person he was.

The Stivics Go West (3/19/78)Written By: Bob Schiller and Bob Weiskopf

Mike has accepted an assistant professor job in Santa Barbara, California. Two weeks before Mike and Gloria are supposed to move, George Jefferson sold their house to a family of midgets. For two weeks, the Stivics moved back in with the Bunkers. Now, they all have one more day together. Mike and Gloria decide to renew their wedding vows after nine years of marriage. Edith convinces Archie to renew their wedding vows after twenty-nine years of marriage. Originally, Mike and Gloria were going to renew their vows the next year, but since this will be the last time they will all be together, everyone is going to renew their vows. Meanwhile, Archie and Mike are not speaking to each other because of California. Gloria and Edith want them to make up before the move, so no one will have to part on angry terms.

Archie (to Edith in the hallway): "Nobody gives a damn what I say in this house anymore! I might as well be talkin' to the wall here. Hi, wall! How're ya doin' there?"

Edith: "Archie, please don't talk to the wall."

Archie: "Why not?"

Edith: "It makes me nervous."

Archie: "Oh, jeez! Stick around wall, I'll talk to you later!"

Archie and Mike eventually make up after Gloria threatens to go to California without Mike. The next day dawns and the wedding is set in the Bunker living room. Reverend Chong (who would not baptize baby Joey) will conduct the ceremony. As Archie and Edith are coming down the stairs, Edith starts to sing 'Here Comes the Bride.'

Archie (to Edith): "You wanna get a divorce before we get remarried?"

Both couples say "I do" and now it's time to go. The cab is out front, honking the horn. Archie and Mike are downstairs, while Gloria and Edith are getting Joey ready upstairs.

Mike (to Archie): "Well, I guess this is it. ....Arch, I want to thank you."

Archie: "Well, go ahead."

Mike: "I want to thank you for all the years you let me live here, to the free meals, for all the nice times we had together. I know there was a lot of arguing and fighting, but we did have some nice times."

Archie: "Yeah, there was some nice times."

Mike: "You've been like a father to me."

Archie: "Well, you have been just like a son to me. You never did nothing I ever told you to do."

***

Mike (to Archie): "I'm gonna miss you."

Archie: "Hey, well...listen, I...I'm gonna...you know, I...hey, listen, you just take very good care of Gloria and Joseph."

Mike: "Those are two things you never have to worry about, Arch, I promise."

Edith, Gloria and Joey come downstairs and Mike takes Joey into the kitchen to get something to eat.

Gloria (to Edith): "Ma?"

Edith (with tears forming): "Gloria--"

Gloria: "Oh, Ma."

Edith: "Oh, Gloria!" (hugs her)

Gloria starts to cry.

Gloria: "I love you, Ma."

Edith: "I love you, Gloria."

It's time for Archie and his "Little Girl" to say goodbye.

Gloria (crying): "I love you, Daddy!" (hugging Archie)

Archie: (choking up): "Well, your Daddy certainly loves you, Little Girl."

Archie and Edith say goodbye to Joey.

Edith (to Mike): "I love you, Mike!"

Mike: "I love you, Ma."

Archie (to Mike): "Hey, taxi meter's running--"

Edith (running outside to Gloria): "Gloria, Gloria...Goodbye!"

Gloria heads toward the taxi and Edith can't take it anymore, she runs back into the house, not wanting to see them drive away.

Mike and Archie are left alone on the porch.

Mike: "Arch--"

Archie: "Hey, uh, listen...have a good trip there, have a good trip there. Yeah."

Mike: "I know you always thought I hated you....but I love you, Arch." (he hugs Archie)

Archie: "Hey, uh, you be sure and send postcards every now and then 'cause...because your mother-in-law, she's one that...she's gonna wanna know" (Archie puts his arm around Mike) "you're alright, you know?"

Mike (letting go of Archie): "Bye, Arch." (walks toward the taxi)

Archie closes the door and pulls the curtain back to watch the cab drive away. After the cab starts, Archie closes the curtain. He too, can't watch the car drive away. Edith heads into the kitchen, while Archie sits in his chair, holding a handkerchief. He can't keep his emotions in anymore. Archie starts to cry. Edith sees him crying and runs back into the kitchen, instantly knowing that he would not have wanted her to see him cry. She gets him a beer.

Edith (calling from the kitchen into the living room): "I got your beer, Archie! Here I come."

Edith brings the beer into the living room.

Edith: "Here's your beer."

Archie: "Uh, leave it there, Edith." (she sets the can on the small table and sits in her chair.

They are sitting in their chairs, alone, softly crying. It is too quiet.

California, Here We Are--Parts 1 & 2 (12/17/78)Written By: Milt Josefsberg and Bob Weiskopf

Originally, Mike and Gloria were going to come to New York for Christmas, but since Mike hurt his back they were unable to visit for the Holidays. So, going behind Archie's back, Edith buys plane tickets to California to spend Christmas with Mike and Gloria. Edith's neice, Stephanie is living with the Bunkers now, after her father, Floyd abandoned her.

At the airport in California, Stephanie wanders off and Edith panicks. Archie goes to look for Stephanie, and eventually finds her.

Archie (to Stephanie): "What are you doing over here?"

Stephanie: "I thought I saw John Travolta!"

Archie: "This is California, you ain't gonna see any of your school chums."

Stephanie: "John Travolta's a movie star."

Archie: "Don't tell lies!"

Archie brings Stephanie back to Edith, but soon discovers that she is now missing. Edith, too, is found.

Archie (to Edith): "Where was you?!"

Edith (almost whispering): "I had to go to the Ladies Room!"

Archie: "Never do that no more!"

Gloria shows up and there's a happy reunion between Archie, Edith, and Gloria. Stephanie meets Gloria for the first time.

Stephanie (to Gloria): "Where's Joey and the Meathead?"

Gloria (to Archie): "Did you teach her to say that?"

Archie: "Teach her what? Where is Joey and the Meathead?"

Gloria: "Daddy!" (hits him in the arm)

Archie: "Don't hit your father in the airport!"

Gloria drives everyone to their apartmen and she shows them around. Mike comes out of Joey's room and says "Hello" to everyone. Gloria then shows Archie and Edith the patio.

Edith (looking out into the neighbor's yard): "You got a lot of neighbors, don't you."

Gloria: "Oh, yeah."

Edith: "Are they all poor or somethin'?"

Gloria: "No, why?"

Edith: "Well, they're all just layin' there, passin' around the same cigarette."

Archie (sighs heavily): "Gloria, take your poor mother outta harm's way, will ya?"

Gloria shows Edith a real lemon tree and she is overjoyed. While everyone is unpacking, Mike and Gloria meet in the small hallway. Mike is standing up straight, indicating that he really didn't hurt his back at all.

Gloria (to Mike): "I want to thank you--"

Mike: "Gloria, I hate to have to carry on this pretense. Can't we just tell them and get it over with?"

Gloria: "Oh, please. Can't we just let them enjoy Christmas for five days?"

Mike: "Sooner or later, they're going to find out we're separated."

After everyone goes to bed, Mike and Gloria fight over who gets to sleep in the bed and who gets the chair.

Mike (already in bed): "Alright, you can sleep in the bed."

Gloria: "You mean, with you in it?"

Mike: "Yeah."

Gloria: "No, I don't think we should sleep in the same bed now."

Mike: "Alright, I'm sleeping here. You do what you want to do." (turns his back to Gloria)

Gloria: "Well, I'm forced to take the chair."

She grabs the other pillow from underneath Mike's head and tries to get comfortable in the chair.

In the living room, Archie and Edith are sleeping on the sofa bed. Archie is asleep and Edith finishes reading her book. She sets her book down on the table and sees that the light is on Archie's side of the bed. She moves toward him and tries to turn out the light by crawling over Archie. In the process, Edith falls on top of him and Archie wakes up thinking Edith has something else on her mind.

Archie: "No, Edith, I'm too weak!"

Edith: "I was goin' to put out the light." (which she does)

Archie: "You woke me up to tell me that?!"

Edith then serenades Archie with Silent Night.

Archie: "Let's keep it that way, Edith."

***

Gloria wakes up at five in the morning after a night of hardly any sleep. She wakes Mike up and tells him it's his turn to sleep in the chair. He refuses.

Gloria: "Michael, you're an ass!"

Mike: "I'm a what?!"

Gloria: "An ass!"

Mike: "A what?!"

Gloria: "An asssssssssssssss!"

Mike: "A what?! Gloria, the only reason I'm going through this is to do a favor for you!"

Gloria (snorts): "Don't do me any favors!"

Mike (getting out of bed): "Alright, fine, fine! ...We'll go into the other room and tell your parents exactly what's going on between us!"

Gloria: "Please, Michael!" (stopping him at the door) "They gave us five years of happiness in their home. The least we can do is give them five days of happiness in ours!"

Mike: "Five years of happiness?! Those were the worst five years of my life!"

Gloria: "Those were the first years we were married!"

Mike: "Bingo!"

Gloria gives him a huge raspberry.

Mike: "You know something? Not only are you totally brainless, but since I've moved out, you've gotten fat."

That was the straw that broke the camel's back. Gloria slaps Mike across the face, cries, and runs into the bathroom. Edith wakes up, hears Gloria crying, and goes to her.

Edith: "Gloria, what happened?"

Gloria: "I can't talk about it!"

Edith: "Oh, you don't have to."

Gloria tells Edith she hit Mike and that he told her she was fat. And then...

Gloria: "....Michael and I are separated and it looks like we're gonna get a divorce!" (she starts crying again)

Edith shakes her head. Gloria nods. Edith shakes her head again. Gloria nods again. Edith shakes her head furiously. Gloria nods furiously. Edith then nods too.

Edith (hugging Gloria and crying): "Oh, no, no!"

Gloria: "I'm fat!"

Edith: "Oh, no, no, no!"

Edith and Gloria use up an entire box of Kleenex and then move to toliet paper to dry their eyes. Gloria tells her the whole story. She has met another man, named Bud Krieger. Edith almost faints at thought of Gloria seeing another man. Gloria explains that Bud is very nice and that they think they're in love. This causes Edith to almost faint again. When Edith gets herself together, she goes over to the medicine cabinet.

Gloria: "What are you lookin' for?"

Edith: "Aspirin."

Gloria: "What's the matter, Ma? You got a headache?"

Edith: "No, but I will when I tell your father."

Edith heads out to the living room to tell Archie about Mike and Gloria.

Edith: "I got somethin' to tell you."

Archie: "Well, go ahead."

Edith: "Oh, it's awful."

Archie: "Well, if it's awful, keep it to yourself."

Edith: "Archie, Mike and Gloria are separated."

Archie: "What're you talkin' about? They're here ain't they?"

Edith: "They're gettin' a divorce."

Archie (eyes wide): "What?!"

Edith: "A divorce."

Archie: "Oh, you don't mean a D-I-V-O-R-S."

Edith: "Oh, no."

Archie: "Oh, well."

Edith: "D-I-V-O-R-C-E. You want an aspirin?" (handing him the bottle of pills)

Archie: "No! I want to kill your son-in-law!"

Archie barges open Mike and Gloria's door, yelling at Mike, accusing him of cheating on Gloria.

Mike: "Wait a second, Arch! I wasn't cheating on her!"

Archie: "Don't give me any of that crapola!"

Gloria: "Daddy, shhh, you're gonna wake up the kids!"

Archie (shouting): "Wake them up! And bring them here and let them see me kill a guy!"

***

Gloria: "Daddy, you're making a big mistake!"

Archie (still shouting): "Oh, no! You're the one who made the mistake when you married that guy in the first place! And I warned you, I said, 'Don't come out to California!' There's something about the weather out here that goes into a guy's pants!"

Mike: "You wanna know what really happened? I'll tell you....I can't tell you what really happened!"

Archie: "Awww, jeez!"

***

Gloria: "Ever since we moved out here, I have been nothing but a housekeeper, a babysitter, and a cook!"

Archie: "What the hell's wrong with that? You were doin' your duty by him."

***

Archie (to Gloria): "You're little friend? Who? Who?!"

Gloria: "Bud Krieger."

Archie: "Bud Krieger?!"

Gloria: "Yes, Bud Krieger!"

Archie: "Well, I certainly hope Bud Krieger is one of your girlfriends, but I don't think she is!"

Gloria shakes her head.

Archie (shouting again): "Bud Krieger is a man! ...What was you doin' with Bud Krieger?"

Gloria: "We just had a couple of dates."

Archie: "A couple of dates?! You're a married woman!"

Gloria: "And he's a married man!" She instantly covers her mouth.

Archie and Edith are so shocked. Edith is about to faint again.

Gloria: "Him and his wife have been separated for a over a year."

Archie: "Awww, jeez! Well, I knew she was gonna come to this nine years nine years ago when the first Cosmopolitan came into the house!"

Gloria: "Daddy, there's nothing wrong with a man and a woman seeing each other."

Archie: "Seein' each other! I think that depends, Little Girl, on what they're doin' with what they're seein'!"

Gloria (angry): "What are you getting at?!"

Archie: "I think the question is, what was you and Bud Krieger" (raises eyebrows) "...gettin' at?"

Gloria: "I don't think I'm gonna answer that question!"

Archie: "And why not?"

Gloria: "Because it's none of your business!"

Archie: "Oh...well, then I got my answer. How could you do a thing like this to your family?" (He points to Mike)

Edith: "Gloria is right. This is between him and her and nobody else."

Archie: "Gloria's right?! And she busted one of the Commandments! I forget whether it's number three or four!"

Edith: "We don't know that."

Archie: "We certainly know it's one of the Top Ten! Oh, Meathead, I never thought I'd be sayin' this to you. But...you're too good for her."

Edith: "Archie!"

Gloria starts sobbing. Edith runs over to her and gives her a hug.

Edith (to Archie): "No matter what she's done, it's none of your business!"

Archie: "Whaddya talkin' about! It's the world's business!"

Edith: "No, it ain't the world's business neither."

Archie: "It's certainly God's business!"

Edith: "Then, you let God tend to it. All I wanna know is, do Mike and Gloria still love each other?"

Archie: "Don't be ridiculous! People can't do these things to each other and then still love each other!"

Mike: "Yes, they can, Arch."

Archie: "They can?!"

Mike: "Sure...I love Gloria."

Everyone turns to stare at Gloria, waiting for her response.

Gloria: "I love him."

Edith: "Then, all you gotta do is figure out if you love each other enough to save your marriage. Do you, Mike?"

Mike: "I don't know how I feel now, Ma."

Edith: "Gloria?"

Gloria: "I'm not gonna answer that in front of Daddy."

Edith and Mike go wake up the kids for Christmas morning. Archie and Gloria are alone. Archie walks toward the door, his back to Gloria.

Archie: "Well, maybe you're mother's right. Maybe, it ain't none of my business."

Gloria (crying): "I love you, Daddy."

They both hug each other.

Archie: "I love you, too, Little Girl."

Archie and Gloria meet everyone else in the living room and gifts are passed out. Mike and Gloria exchange gifts near the Christmas tree. They reconcile under the tree, by also exchanging kisses.

Edith (with her arms around Archie, watching Mike and Gloria): "Archie, that's the nicest Christmas present I could ever have."

Archie: "Oh, well, I'm glad of that, Edith, because I left yours in New York."

Too Good Edith (4/8/79) Written By: Harriet Weiss and Patt Shea

While Dr. Shapiro is giving Stephanie a shot, he notices Edith isn't feeling well. He confirms that she has phlebitis, a very serious disease that can travel to your lungs. Dr. Shapiro gives Edith explicit instructions to stay off her feet until her leg is healed. This is not possible because Edith is cooking all of the food for the St. Patrick's Day party at Archie's Place. Archie and Harry have already delivered the food to the house. While unpacking the food, Edith tries to tell Archie what happened at Dr. Shapiro's.

Edith (to Archie): "I took Stephie to see Dr. Shapiro today."

Archie: "Don't tell me it's anything serious."

Edith: "No, it ain't serious."

Archie: "Don't tell me it's anything catching."

Edith: "No, it ain't catching."

Archie: "Don't tell me it's anything that's gonna get in the way of the St. Patty's Day party."

Disobeying Dr. Shapiro, Edith ends up cooking all of the food for two days straight. Archie still does not know about the phlebitis.

Archie: "The work's all done, now all you gotta do is serve the food."

Edith: "No, Archie...I'm tired."

Archie tells her to get ready for the party and he starts to carry out the pots and pans to the party. Edith is struggling to walk to the stairs. The pain in her leg is unbearable. Before Archie is out the back door, she collapses on the stairs and begins to cry.

Edith: "Archie! Archie!"

Archie, hearing the fear in her voice, runs to Edith.

Archie: "Edith, what are you doin' there, huh? What's wrong?"

Edith (choked up): "Call Dr. Shapiro."

Archie: "Whatsa matter, Sweetheart?"

Edith: "Call him, he knows all about it."

Archie: "What'll I tell him ales ya?"

Edith: "Tell him I can't walk."

Dr. Shapiro comes over and gives Edith some medicine. He is angry at Archie, thinking he knew about Edith and made her cook the food anyway.

Dr. Shapiro (to Archie): "I told her not to cook!"

Archie (shouting): "What the hell kind of medical advice is that?! What she got that she can't cook!"

Dr. Shapiro (surprised): "She didn't tell you?"

Archie: "No!"

Dr. Shapiro: "Phlebitis...I told her if she doesn't stay off her feet, it could kill her."

Archie: "Phlebitis? Is that what the Democrats give Nixon?"

Dr. Shapiro apologizes over and over for yelling at Archie earlier. Archie heads upstairs to their bedroom to find Edith sitting up in bed, eating a lollipop. Archie sits on the hope chest at the end of the bed and sighs.

Archie: "Well, Edith, I gotta tell you, I'm very disappernted in you. I'm really disappernted in you."

Edith: "I know, I'm sorry you're missin' your party."

Archie: "Oh, to hell with the party! I mean, I'm disappernted in you!"

Edith: "Why? I done all the cookin'."

Archie: "You don't think much of me!"

Edith: "I do!"

Archie: "No, you don't."

Edith goes on to say that she cooks and cleans for Archie because she loves him. Archie gets up, walks over to his side of the bed and stares at Edith.

Archie: "Why didn't you tell me you were sick?"

Edith: "I tried to. But I didn't wanna sperl your party."

Archie: "I don't wanna hear anything more about that party! To hell with the party!"

Archie then lays next to Edith.

***

Archie: "You was being selfish, Edith."

Edith: "Selfish?!"

Archie: "That's right, s-e-double lucks. I guess you wanted me to go on alone tryin' to raise that little girl who already lost a mother."

Edith (shocked): "No!"

Archie: "Awww, jeez, Edith! You're always bein' too good, good, good! I'm tired of sufferin' from that! If there's somethin' wrong, you gotta tell me, so I can take care of you! I told Harry can't go into work, until the doctor says you're okay. I'm gonna wait on you."

Edith (snuggling against him): "Oh, Archie."

Archie: "Careful your hand there, Edith. I know we're in bed, but you're too sick for them kind of moves."

Edith (laughing): "Archie."

Archie: "You know somethin.' If the whole damn world was to go to the dogs, as long as I had you standin' by my side or sitting by my side, or layin' here like this, by my side...everything would be just okay. I've been blowing my own horn for a lot of years and I wanna tell you somethin'. I ain't nothing" (Archie starts to cry) "without you."

Both dry their eyes with Archie's tie.

Edith (brushing away Archie's tears): "You know somethin', Archie? You're a pip....a real pip."

They kiss and hug each other.

After this episode aired in the Spring of 1979, All in the Family was renamed Archie Bunker's Place, which began in the fall of the same year. Jean Stapleton appeared as Edith in five episodes. She felt the character of Edith had run its course and decided to only portray her part-time. Rob Reiner and Sally Struthers made one last appearance together in the Archie Bunker's Place episode entitled 'Thanksgiving Reunion.' That was the last time the four of the original All in the Family cast would be together on television. Sally Struthers would later return as Gloria in 1982 and star in her own show (which flopped after a year). When the second season of Archie Bunker's Place began in the fall of 1980, people wept as they learned about Edith Bunker's death.

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