Why is it things are always funnier after midnight? I don't know, but this hit me and I just had to write it down before I forgot. I must add that the origional idea was thought up by the three guys who wrote the book: "X-Treme Possibilities" (the best episode guide I've seen!) Paul Cornell, Martin Day, and Keith Topping. And their idea (that I ran with) is stated first.
"What would an answering machine say for the assorted characters of the X-Files?"
Conspiracy: "Hello, Conspiracy. We're not here. We never were. Please leave the details of your alien experience after the beep and then forget about it" (by Paul Cornell, Martin Day, and Keith Topping. aka: Gently Mocking Man, Well-Mannered Man, and Quiet Keithy.)
Mulder: "Hello. The truth is out there and I'm out looking for it, so please leave your name, number, and guess as to who is involved in the conspiricy along with what *really* happened at Roswell after the beep."
Scully: "This is Scully. My partner has once again ditched me and I have to go find him to make sure he doesn't do anything stupid. So please leave your name, number, and scientific explination as to what *really* happened at Roswell. And I will get back to you as soon as I finish the autopsy, thank you."
Lonegunmen: "Hello, you have reached this number by mistake. Please do not bother to leave your name or number because we already know who you are. And if this is _____ you know better than to call at this time! (in backround:) If it's Scully, tell her I think she's hot! (*whap!*) Ow! What was *that* for?"
Skinner: "You have reached the residence of Walter S. Skinner, Assistant Director of the FBI. Please leave your name and number after the beep. And if this is Agent Mulder, no you cannot take *that* case! If this is Agent Scully, no, Mulder cannot have *that* case!"
Pendrel: "Hello. I'm dead. Please do not leave your name or number seeing as how I will not be able to get back to you. Thank you." (that one was pathetic I know. I told you it was late when I wrote this!)
Pusher: "Hello. I had to go, so leave your name and number after the beep. Leave your name and number after the beep. Leave your name and number after the beep."
CSM: "There is no answering machine. And if this is Agent Mulder; I'm sorry, but you can't *handle* the truth."
Krychek: "Please press one to hear this in Russian. (phrase repeats in Russian). Hello, this is Ratboy, if I have not betrayed you please leave your name and number after the beep and I will get to it as soon as I finish backstabbing the Conspiracy, Mulder, and Skinner. Thank you."