Disclaimer: All right! I'll talk, just no more Barney!!! I'll admit it, the
characters do not belong to me. (Darn!) They belong to Chris Carter. No, the
game Balderdash doesn't belong to me either. It belongs to Gameworks Creations
INC. (I think.) So if anybody besides me ever reads this...(sniff, sniff)
It was for fun. Please, don't waste your time sueing me. I have no money anyway.
Rating: G, X. (X-Files) H. (Humor) yet more proof that I don't have a life.
Summary: Mulder, Scully, and Cancerman play Balderdash.
Spoilers: A bit of the movie I guess. A non-exsistant ref. to "3" and that one
with the TV causing paranoia I think.
which I have never seen. Any resembalence to a real ep. plot is accidental.
Archive: Anywhere! Feel free to archive ANY of my stuff so long as my name
is kept on it along with the disclaimer.
Let's read the post already!!: Umm, that's it. As always send all flames, e-bombs
and book deals to email@example.com. (No, I can't take book deals, 'cuz
no money can be made off of this stuff anyway. Not like anyone would *want* to.
I'm rambling, On with the fic!)
10:13pm (sorry, resistance was futile!)
Mulder and Scully walk in. A silhouette of a man can be seen in the dark
corner of the room. The tip of a cigarette glows orange red for a moment.
"What do you want?" says Mulder glaring at the man.
Scully looks from Mulder, to Cancerman, and then back to Mulder.
"What's going on Mulder?" she asks.
"Ask him," says Mulder. They both look a Cancerman with questions in their eyes. Cancerman
drops his cigarette and grinds it with his toe. He steps forward. He
carries a box 12in.X8in. He sets the box on Mulder's desk then turns on a
light. Scully studies the box for a moment.
"Balderdash?(tm?)" she looks at Mulder.
"We are going to play," says Cancerman.
"Oh, we are. Are we?" says Mulder.
"Yes," says Cancerman "Because I know things you *wish* to know."
Mulder pulls up two more chairs while Cancerman lights up another cigarette
The agents sit and Cancerman takes Mulder's spot behind the desk. Lifting the
lid he proceeds to take out the game board, the markers, dice, pencils, answer
sheets and finally the box of cards. Scully takes the red piece. Mulder takes
blue and Cancerman takes the white. Scully raises an eyebrow when she sees
"How do we play?" asks Mulder.
"Simple," says Cancerman. He then goes into a lengthy explination on how
the game is played. (I don't really feel like writing it all down and if
you haven't played the game it's really confusing. You just try to guess the
meaning of a real word, while writing up a phoney definition and hope someone thinks
it's the right answer. You get to move a space if you guess the correct answer and a space if
someone guesses your answer. Three if you write down the correct defintion.
Most of these words are not in everyday use, so the game can get really interesting.)
"Simple," says Scully five minutes later "Who goes first?"
"Who do you think?" says Mulder with a wiry grin.
"Chromonea," says Cancerman looking at the first card "C-h-r-o-m-e-a."
The agents start writing while Cancerman fills in the correct answer.
"Chromonea," says Cancerman reading the first one "A filament present
in a chromotid during the stages of mitosis. Chromonea: an alien bacteria
which lies dormant until the tempature is raised above 98.6F. Digests
the host as nourishment. Chromonea: A twisted filament present in a chromotid
during all stages of cellular mitosis."
"Hmm, I'll go with the first one," says Mulder.
"The last," says Scully.
"Very well," says Cancerman "Scully moves four."
"Lesse," says Mulder looking at the next card "Tonsure. T-o-n-s-u-r-e."
They write. The cards are turned in. Mulder squints as he tries to read
"Think you could write any smaller?" he asks.
"I'll try," says Cancerman.
He looks at Scully's. "Nice handwriting," he says "Now if you could just include pronunciations
I'd be set."
"Read them!" says Cancerman getting impatient "Don't pass judgement on
"Fine," says Mulder "Tonsure: a toxic liquid found in shampoos that reduces
the melian count in hair. Causing it to grey premeturely. Tonsure: Subliminal
messages sent by television causing mass cacography. Tonsure: The act of
cutting the hair or shaving the head."
"3" says Scully causing Mulder to frown ever so slightly.
"Number three," says Cancerman.
"You both move one." says Mulder.
Scully rolls the dice and digs up the next card.
"Hesternal: the nodules found on teh Grey's skin. Hesternal: Pretaining
to yesterday. Hesternal: the dye used in clothing which causes skin irritation
and wash coloring."
"Number three," says Cancerman.
"Umm, yeah I think I'll take number three too." says Mulder.
"You move one," says Scully to Cancerman "and I move three."
Mulder looks confused for a moment, but decides to shrug it off.
"Acicula," says Cancerman glancing at the agents. Mulder is staring very
hard at his piece which is still at the start while Scully is doing her
best not to laugh. "A-c-i-c-u-l-a."
Papers are turned in and he reads.
"Acicula: A prickle on a plant or animal. Acicula: Sentient trees found in
Europe. Extinct due to extensive logging. Acicula: Flora which has evolved to
fit it's enviroment."
"2" says Scully out of pity.
"1" says Mulder
"Mulder moves two," says Cancerman
Mulder grins triumphantly as he moves his piece into the spot that
Cancerman's piece is in. Scully goes.
"Burin, B-u-r-i-n." she reads.
"Burin: A pointed tool used for engraving. Bruin: Burn marks found at most
abduction sites. Burin: Pointed tool used in engraving."
"Number three," says Cancerman
"Number one," says Mulder
"Mulder moves one," says Scully "You, two."
Cancerman moves his peice and when they aren't looking, moves it a few
"Murrnong: Heart condition found in Equus caballus. Cause: Unknown.
Murrnong: A vegetable similar to a yam. Murrnong: Yarn binding in a book."
"1" said Mulder after thinking for a moment.
"3" said Scully also after a moment of consideration.
"You each move one," says Cancerman then proceed to move his piece 3
spaces passing up Scully's piece which was about halfway around the board.
"Feek:" said Mulder "To wander aimlessly. Feek: The dust caused by
pencil sharpeners. Produces a choking smoke when lit. Feek: an anthrophobiac
"2" says Scully
"1" says Cancerman.
"Cancerman moves two," says Mulder
"Grignet: Slang for the police of the World Wide Web. Grignet: A small
bird of the partridge family. Grignet: Rackets made out of Spotted Leopard."
"2" says Cancerman
"Number three," says Mulder
"Two spaces for Cancerman," says Scully
Cancerman extinguishes his cigarette on Mulder's desk and picks up the
"Seckel: A pear tree named after Mr. Seckel. Seckel: The process by which
a larva inbeds itself. Seckel: A Top Secret project who's objective is to
find out why T.V. is such a powerful influence."
"2" says Mulder
"3" says Scully
"You each move one," says Cancerman then moves his piece three spaces
He needs only one more to win. After a glance at the board Mulder takes his
"Nubilate: The process of trimming goat hooves. Nubilate: The nullification
fo a recall order. Nubilate: To cloud the issue."
"3" says Scully
"3" says Cancerman effectively ending the game.
"Well?" asks Mulder
"You have lost," says Cancerman "I am not required to tell you anything."
Scully looks at the clock and realises it's after midnight.
"Come on Mulder," she says "It's late."
"You know," says Mulder getting up "I don't think it's legal for you to
choose your own answer."
"Isn't it a bit late to be thinking about that?" says Cancerman putting
the game away.
Mulder starts to say something, but stops. Instead he grabs his coat and
follow Scully out of the office. Once they were gone Cancerman picked up his
"phoney" answers and burned them. He had known the game would come out. The
man had seen too much to keep quiet, but he had been smart. Instead of
putting the *real* answers down. He had put down false ones. Only Cancerman
and a few fellow conspirators knew the truth. Luckily the Conspiracy had more
pressing matters of late and hadn't the time to kill him. Oh, well. Maybe he would
save it for a rainy day. Knowing his luck Mulder would probably get the case. He chuckled quietly to himself
when he thought about it. He really did love messing with Mulder's mind and
as for Scully. Well, she was a bonus. If Mulder only knew. The "truth" he
sought so hard for had been, and not for the first time, right under his
nose. Cancerman lit another cigarette and left.
"You know," said Scully as they walked to their cars "That was kind of
"I suppose so," said Mulder digging into his pocket for his keys. He
stopped and turned towards her. "Where on earth did you get that Tonsure
idea?" he asked
Scully, who was feeling rather tired, couldn't pass it up. "Who says I got
it on earth?" she stated turning to look at him.
At any other time Mulder would have had a snappy comeback, but he was also
very tired and all he could think to say was "But...you...said..." Observing his confused look Scully couldn't hold on to it any longer and
busted out laughing. Mulder looked slightly sheepish.
"I was just seeing how long you could maintain your vulcan-like
exterior," he said with a lopsided grin.
"Sure," said Scully still chuckling slightly "Whatever you say Mulder."
Well, you made it! Apoun closer inspection (not at 1:00am) I realised I made
Mulder out to be something of an idiot. Sorry if this (or anything else in here)
offended you. This was all in good fun. Hope you enjoyed it! :-)