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Notes

August 11

For everyone who checks here... I'm back from texas. I found everything I was looking for, and a lot more. It's incredibly hard to be home, but this isn't the place to elaborate on that. I'm in an awful lot of pain, and I just don't think anything can be done about it... it was worth it though, we always pay for heaven with hell later on... I need answers, I need strength, I need my heart...

"I don't know how you can take it, invest your heart and then you break it, I don't know how you can set it free... you must be stronger than me"

"and I realized my heart had abducted my mind and they were last seen headed south..." -etheridge

August 3

Yesterday was crummy in all sorts of ways, but today was actually fun. I met dad, grandma, carol, and larry at borders, had a smoothie, went to carol's and put all the bathroom stuff grandma bought me last night in there, and helped carol clean out the closets a little. she gave me some great ideas for the ceiling and the doorway... oh! and my four melissa pictures are on the wall, they look absolutely gorgeous there. then wendy came over, we went downtown and I bought some stuff from urban outfitters, we went to borders (again, my dad's side of the family lives at borders) and we talked nonstop the whole time, and we went to mongolian! and they were out of my sauce! it was hilarious... I didn't do ANYthing for the roadtrip though, I guess that's what tomorrow is for. I've been running around since 8:30am and I'm exhausted. Had to practice the damn church music too, and working tomorrow will be a pain, but oh well. It was nice to get a phone call last night, it feels like we don't have as many opportunities to talk this week, even though I didn't do much of the talking last night, I didn't mind. it's good to know for sure that I'm not the only one.

I can't wait to pack my bags, fill the cooler, and drive "out of range" as ani would say. let's get this show on the road! I'm ready to see something new, travel, do something I don't do every damn day of my life. I realize I have a purpose that overshadows everything else, but damn it I want brie to have fun too. she can get away from work and her family stress and go somewhere she's never been, do something she's never done... for once get out from under her parents' and her boss's shadows... just us, our chick music, and the road.

"well I'm so tired of cryin' but I'm out on the road again - I'm going to leave the city, got to go away... all this fussing and fighting, man I sure can't stay... I'm on the road again... but I ain't going down that long and lonesome road - all by myself... " -canned heat

August 2

I don’t feel so good today, in a lot of ways. physically, I’m just a little tired behind the eyes, and hungry as always, which makes me crabby. emotionally, ugh. I have these mood swings, and I’m talking one minute I can be perfectly high, and the next I’ve hit an absolute wall. it's exhausting. I wear myself out with my constant analyzing… I try to be strong and brush things off, tell myself not to care so much about little things… it almost makes it worse. see? this is what I’m talking about… a few hours ago I was fine. maybe that’s because I was a bit delirious and half asleep. all summer I couldn’t wait to move to ypsi, but now that I’m actually doing it I just get this weird feeling. everything is about to change, which is decidedly a good thing, but there’s so many different expectations and everyone is just… I don’t know! well anyways, the tv and the futon are there, my aunt is making me a key… I have a ton of stuff to do before we leave monday, including laundry. I am so pissed that there is paint on my favorite pants. I have a list of stuff I need to buy, mostly today and tomorrow. today I’m going grocery shopping for road trip snacks. I think in an odd way I’m lonely… I enjoy the time I have to myself, but it’s excessive. brie is a great friend to me, lately one of the best I’ve ever had, but all of my other friends are falling away as they leave for college, and of course it’ll be a little while before I make new ones. aunt carol is going to introduce me to people, but I don’t know… I’m really only lonely for one person, and that makes everything hard. yesterday (and being exhausted had something to do with it) I was a nut, talking a mile a minute, about anything, making hardly any sense, until brie was looking at me like I was absolutely crazy, so then I just started crying. and it wasn’t even about anything in particular, just crying. about everything that’s happened this year and all the feelings, good and bad, that are rattling around in here.

oh yeah, and our 100 words is finished... I read those over and over... no one has ever written anything like that, for me or about me, I treasure those 3100 more than anything... and ours are really good, in a literary sense. I think someday they'll be published, like "empty without you" was for eleanor roosevelt and loreena.

"if it makes you happy it can't be that bad, if it maks you happy then why the hell are you so sad?" -sheryl crow

July 31

Six days… I’m going to move some tomorrow… six days… I need to sort out to do lists and to bring lists… six days… weeding the garden and painting brie's room... six days... passing the time watching videos and going to meijers... six days... thinking about everything I need before I leave home and move out... six days... a relentless drive that sweeps all doubt and fears aside... six days.

"and what can I say but I'm wired to you and you're wired to me, and what can I do but wallow in you unintentionally" -ani

July 30

the clock became a bullet hole
cruel and unkind
it hurt me with its second hand
alone another night
-jewel

I made our hotel reservations and got money from my dad, before the weekend I’ll need to take some money out… brie and I rented road trip movies (i.e. thelma and louise) but who knows when we can watch them, she’s always so busy. I survived the weekend, barely. I hit the rocks a few times but since last night I’m better…

i must have you all to myself
feel the full weight of your skin
i'll hollow out my insides
to place you in
-jewel

I can’t wait to do this roadtrip, I have the route memorized, it’s sad… ready? I-65 S, I-465 S, I-70 W, I-55 S, I-57 S, I-40 W, I-30 W, I-635 N… ta da! I have a shitload of stuff to do though… weeding, cleaning both cars, getting some of my shit to ypsi, making tapes, burning cds, buying phone cards and snacks and making lists… god, this all sounds like nothing when I think about everything she has to deal with right now. *sigh* and there’s nothing I can do… I mean, at least all of this stuff is somewhat fun… plus I don’t have to work on wednesday. I talked to the park goddess yesterday, I may need to see her several times before it’s all over…

”I want to hear you call my name, it’s too lazy just to say it soft…” –ani

July 28

I actually considered just typing something in here about the buffalo farm the other day, going to a2 and seeing dad today, and leaving it at that. like "ha" look, I'm surviving just fine... but so what, what's the point? I'm actually baffled by my extreme pain tonight, now that it's just me alone with myself... all of this hurt, I almost feel abandoned, even though logically I know that's not true. I can't stop the torrential onslaught of emotions tonight, they are hitting me like waves. I don't know what to do... I can feel myself crusting over as a defense, can feel the walls forming to protect myself, like my edges are curling up around my most fragile insides... I'm trying to stop it by writing this, because when those walls go up they rarely come down again.

I bought the Celestine Prophecy today, I'm not sure if I've had any great epiphanies yet, but sometimes it seems like I'm on the edge of one, book or not. List: post office, burn brie's cd, make hotel reservations, weed... I know I'm forgetting shit. church didn't go so well this morning, which figures, why not throw in some failure for good measure? then brie and I drove to a2 and had lunch with my dad... I miss my dad so much, we had so much fun together, and he played for us and made a new fan out of brienne. he played "you fill up my senses" by john denver, and "just to see you smile" and "both sides now", I cried during those. when I hear dad play and sing, I just close my eyes and feel immense joy and comfort... I don't want him to move to tennessee, I'm finally moving to ypsi near him and he's moving away! then brie and I went to borders and old navy, and ran out of time to weed, go figure. so I came home, fell into a sleep I wish I'd never waken from, and here I am, hating this computer, hating the way things are, loving so much the only way I know how to deal with it is to resent to the point of hating everything standing in the way...

"I just never could quite tell you no... leaving didn't hurt me near as badly as the tears I saw rolling down your face... just to see you smile, I'd do anything that you wanted me to..." -just to see you smile

"I dared to look into the years, would you still have your wife? I dared to peer through my tears, could we ever have a life?" -joan baez

July 26

I just typed a whole thing and it got erased... god, I hate that. so here's a summary... jigger bites itch like crazy, cleo was missing and now is found a little worse for wear, we found the dead rodent in a pair of pants, carol and the kids leave tomorrow, I had a lot of fun with carol, we bought a ton of donuts today, my little health food nut aunt ate donuts (!!) and she introduced me to some indian drink (chai? chi? tchai?), oh oh we watched Hideous Kinky, I LOVE that movie, I wore boxers and a tank top sans bra around the lake today, it was lovely, mom and carol and I hid on the girls and had fun acting goofy... and all of this is just mindless blabber because my mind is really only moving in one direction... overwhelming desire and desperate aching need... definition of desperate: suffering extreme need, of extreme intensity... 11 days...

"happiness isn't happiness without a violin-playing goat." -julia roberts in notting hill

July 24

Last night was a bad night. bad bad bad. no dreams, although a nightmare or two would have made a good finale. By the goddess, let things work out. I’ll do anything… I’m already weeding my mother’s garden! But I promise to by my mother food every time I go out, and go up to grams when she wants me to, and and and… I won’t make them call in my appointments anymore, I’ll stop yelling at mom for eating my groceries, I’ll even tell fluffy she’s a nice dog…

Yesterday brie and I went out on the air mattresses and floated all the way across the lake… and then had a hard time getting back, it was pretty funny. I now have jigger bites and the oddest tan line just under my belly button, it was so dark we thought it might be dirt at first! A speedboat went right by me once and I started saying “no don’t kill me, please… I have a girlfriend!” hmmm. kinda sad, huh? I’ve been entertaining myself with leslea newman’s lesbian love stories, not erotica thankyouverymuch. They hurl me into a writing state of mind, so I wrote a little ramble younger years apart. oh, and is it just me or are they really overplaying 1000 miles on the radio? I swear to my fruit tree, I hear it every single time I get in my car. And I nearly cry every time I hear it, too.

This Sunday is going to be crazy… I’m filling in for dawn, so that makes about 15 songs for me to play, what with having to do the opening music in all, maybe 20, all in one Sunday, as opposed to my usual nine. I went and practiced about an hour ago, it took forever to get through it all, I’m going to have to practice every day to pull it off. Oh well, small price to pay for my Sunday off in august… ok now for something really disgusting: this morning something smells… well, dead, in my room, and there are two flies in here. I REALLY hope it’s coming from outside the window, if not I’m going to have to tell mom to find somewhere else to hide her bodies… ew ew ew… if there is a dead mouse or something in here I will lose it for sure…

"Wish I was in your arms lying right there beside you... but I know that I'll be in your dreams tonight. And I'll gently kiss your lips... touch you with my fingertips... so turn out the light and close your eyes." -cheesy corny lonestar song

July 23

nothing is new... except extreme withdrawal and separation anxiety, I can only imagine what august 10th will be like... I'm a bit fragile lately, a tad high strung, and completely dazed... one minute I'm high on happiness, the next I feel as though I could claw out my heart... brie looks over at me last night and says "you look like you're going to be sick" sometimes I feel nauseated with all the emotion and need and want and frustration, spinning around and around inside me, and the only sort of purging for that is crying... now I'm going to make her feel bad, I don't want that... I've never been so giddy as I was this weekend, never felt so... insanely lucky... but with pleasure comes pain right? hopefully someday we can elliminate the sources of that pain... acckkk... someday. not my favorite word. now, now, NOW goddammit!!!

"I don't care what they think, I don't care what they say... what do they know about this love anyway?" -etheridge

July 22

I am in a daze... this weekend was wonderful, to sound perfectly corny. but it was. in fact, I think I'm losing my sanity even more... who would of thought the voice of an angel could come through a little cord... and hey... it's monday, yet another good thing... I don't know if these free days only make me want more or if they fill a part of me that has been so starved.. maybe both. other than that, I went to grams's reunion picnic with her, she was really happy that I went with her so that made me feel good. sometimes I realize I don't have much time with her left, and I need to remember that, and get to know her as much as I can before she's gone... she's been such a savior in my life, honestly where would I be without her? I shudder to think. also, those little air mattress floaties? those are the best... I could just drift around on one of those things forever.

"and i realized that night that the hall light which seemed so bright when you turned it on is nothing compared to the dawn which is nothing, compared to the light which seeps from me while you're sleeping cocooned in my room..." -ani

July 19

yesterday my mommy bought me a shitload of stuff for ypsi… cooking utensils, dishdrainer, laundry and dish soap, silverware, kleenex… those types of things. I’m thrilled, my very own pot (that’s saucepan to most of you)! still looking for decent throw rugs and blankets, they have to match… and pillows. I want to get most of my stuff in there before I leave for texas… by the way, grams hooked me up with maps and triptiks from AAA yesterday… hopefully knowing where every rest stop and traffic light is will calm brie down a little, plus some good tips about going around Indianapolis, it is helpful that grams has done it so many times, luckily it’ll be night when we hit Indianapolis so no traffic. I get to enjoy this weekend… and then in two weeks I get the real thing… a few quotes that I need to put down, sometimes they say it all much better than I can…

“so I’ve got a little bit more mud on my face… the years will bring a bigger scheme of things and make a pretty memory out of my disgrace” –griffin

“so dry and cracked, my heart is set back yeah just like the moon when it's a sliver resting on its back… and I will not say just exactly how I feel because all of the answers have yet to be revealed…” -melissa

“I don't know how much longer I can resist and I don't know when I'm gonna start breaking” –melissa

July 17

ok so finally the lovely people at EMU worked it out so I can have zoology... I'm not thrilled about monday and tuesday evenings being completely eaten up, but oh well... at least I won't be a whole year behind on my path to midwifery. speaking of which, why does the topic of children keep coming up? are our biological clocks ticking or what? I shouldn't even have one yet. oh and I finished the godforsaken thank you cards. geesh. I think there was 60 in all. my mother is missing, and we need to go grocery shopping, I need phone cards before this weekend... the phone bill think is simply not going to fly again. god... I'm so tired, I think I'll just go to sleep... maybe that's because someone likes me to get up at the crack of dawn with her, and she knows I don't mind one bit...

"I dared to look into the years, would you still have your wife? I dared to peer through my tears, could we ever have a life?" -joan baez

July 16

carol changed her plans to next week... today the whole EMU disaster was a pain in the ass... the guy in the nursing department is really going out of his way to help me and he doesn't have to... he just called again tonight to tell me he got a professor to let me in one of the classes... can you believe that? I feel a bit spoiled again, sort of like high school... getting what I want. I'm sure it's probably a one time deal, or I have some unnatural luck when it comes to academia... I guess I'll know more about this whole mess tomorrow. I would like to say I'm almost done with the thank you cards, but I ran out of blanks again. I did get all the pictures sorted, removed some from the albums too... some pictures belong in shoeboxes only. Lately... I am trying to balance the struggle within me, balance loving so much with resenting so much. Exactly three weeks now. this quote isn't exactly how I feel, but sometimes I'm reminded of it...

"I can't always wait for your circumstance to improve, you know love is loose and it shifts each time we move... so go ahead, put my back against the wall... give it up, or don't give it to me at all" -ani

July 15

I feel really bad for not being able to get ahold of dr. sholder to cancel yesterday. really bad. I hope he forgives me... cedar point was alright, the new ride is pretty good. I'm kind of disappointed, nothing really gets my stomach there anymore. the phone call on the way there took my stomach away in ways those rides never could... sorry mike and brie, but you really can't hold it against me! and you know I love you both... so much to do today and still not out of bed. what is wrong with me lately? I have no motivation for anything that needs to be done. brie is going to be gone all week to the art fair, so that will simply suck. but carol and the kids are coming over wednesday, so that will help. that also means the whole house has to be clean by tomorrow... ugh. who am I kidding? everything revolves around 22 days...

"they love to tell you stay inside the lines but something's better on the other side"

July 14

So far the only thing in that big paragraph below that I've done is clean my room. I'm going to bring my pictures in in a minute though... mom did her own laundry and mine for some reason. oh, and I got the money and cards sorted. tomorrow we are going to cp except now I don't feel so good about it... but we've been planning to go, there's nothing I can do... even though I'll have fun it will be hard. kind of sad huh? we don't have much else though... damn it. *frustration*... roadtrip news: grams suggested I go to AAA (I'm a member, yay) and get our route mapped out with rest stops and shit like that... grandpa asked me a ton of questions, and roberta said we can stay at nana's that weekend so things are all working out very nicely. brienne- don't worry! we are going to have fun... the WHOLE time, ok? no ax-murderers, no stalkers, no drug-crazed rapists... ok I'm probably making things worse. I'm so excited to decorate my apartment now, I'm going to do it in earth tones, that sort of thing. grams is buying me the futon and a desk, and mom a tv... the little things I can pick up here or there. jae if you were here we could do a much better job than those guys on trading spaces... mmmmm, maybe not, we might not get much done at all...

"we are swimming with the snakes at the bottom of the well, so silent and peaceful in the darkness where we fell... but we are not snakes and what's more we never will be... and if we stay swimming here forever we will never be free..." -patty griffin

July 13

*talking to myself* ok look, here's what needs to be done. clean your fucking room, it's a dump. afterwards you will feel much better. clean out the car before the pictures melt. do mumsie's laundry and your own. remember- you have to weed her fucking garden and clean the kitty litter. finish the thank you cards, they need to go out by WEDNESDAY. that means writing 30 more, and addressing all 50+ in three days. get all of your checks and money together, put it in an envelope, deposit. don't forget your paycheck which is somewhere in that hovel of a room! start looking for throw rugs, pots pans and silverware... not to mention everything else on your list which is by your bed on little melissa's case before you forget, and add phone cards to that list. ask grams about buying you the futon. All this needs to be done ASAP because everyone will be here wednesday. oh yeah, the two most important things: move that CD to your savings on mon, that's when it's due!!! and (shit I forgot... *thinking*) oh! call in to drop/add and take care of all that.

good, now that that's out of the way... saturdays are a bit... bare. so I went to a2 and saw carol and all of those lovely folk. larry (my uncle) was there today too... he looks fucking unreal, a true hippy if I ever saw one... I was happy to see him. "we need to just take a bottle of fairy dust and break it over his head" that's larry talking about my born-again daddy, too funny. but I forgive daddy because he's giving me $$$ for hotels on our roadtrip. we talked a little about relationships, I wanted so badly to tell him all about her, how amazing she is... and it's strange the way I see myself reflected in him... and in the other members of my family. looking around, I see little pieces of myself in each one of them and it's easy to remember where I came from. I love that. my aunt looked so beautiful today, her hippy outfits and stones, and her long long hair. she looks like a goddess to me, I hope I'm like that when I'm her age... mom says I will, I've always been called "little carol", our body types are the same and I tend to act as her little sidekick sometimes, maybe "apprentice" would be a better word. it's going to be great living right there by her, I may join her morning yoga circle. I love my family in ways I can't explain, we are so tight-knit I sometimes worry that we will never let anyone else in... no one has married into our little circle, it would take a very long time for someone else to be accepted, we are like an exclusive club... and once a member always a member, well in most cases. daddy committed the worst crime (preaching at us) and he's been exiled for a while.

wow, I'm talkative right now. mostly just passing the time... is it late yet???

"growing up, it was just me and my mom against the world.
and all my sympathies were with her when i was a little girl
and i've seen both my parents play out the hands that they were dealt
as each year goes by, i know more about how my father must have felt.

i just want you to understand that i know what all the fighting
was for, and i just want you to understand that i'm not angry anymore.
no, i'm not angry anymore.

she taught me how to wage cold war with quiet charm
but i just want to walk through my life unarmed.
to accept, and just get by like my father learned to do,
but without all the acceptance of getting by that got my father through
"Shall I abide in this DULL world which in THY absence is no better than a sty?" -paulie

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The first photograph and various quotes around here are from the movie Lost and Delirious.

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