Disclaimer: The West Wing belongs to Aaron Sorkin, et al, not me. Which is really too bad. I don’t get anything outta these things ‘cept some sort of strange pleasure.
Author’s Note: This story was inspired by a comment from “20 Hours in L.A.” CJ pulls Jay Leno aside and says something like “the President appreciates you laying off Leo McGarry.” This got me wondering what the late night folks would say about our favorite administration in their monologues. Please remember that comedy is 99% delivery, so just imagine the late night talk show host of your choice delivering these lines with correct timing, gestures and expressions.
Mr. Late Night: So we’ve got a new first couple in the White House, Dr. Josiah Barlet and his wife Dr. Abigail Barlet. He’s a doctor of economics and she is a general medical practitioner.
Sidekick: I heard she was an ob/gyn.
Mr. Late Night: I don’t think anybody really knows. What I want to know, with so many real doctors around, is if they ever play doctor in the White House.
Mr. Late Night: Sorry, sorry, I couldn’t help it. Really lame joke.
Mr. Late Night: . . . so apparently the President had a little accident yesterday. It seems that he ran his bicycle into a tree.
Sidekick: How does the President of the United States run a bicycle into a tree?
Mr. Late Night: I don’t know. You’d think he’d have a Secret Service to prevent things like that. ‘Special Agent in Charge of Protecting the President from Vicious Trees.’
Sidekick: I saw pictures of the accident. He completely totaled that bike.
Mr. Late Night: He dented the tree too. Which means he’s going to be in huge trouble with the Sierra Club.
Sidekick: It doesn’t seem very presidential.
Mr. Late Night: I suppose there is a precedent. George Washington chopped down a cherry tree. But I couldn’t imagine Abraham Lincoln running HIS bike into an oak. At first I was little worried. I thought to myself: ‘If the President can’t even steer his bike, how’s he supposed to guide a whole country?’ Then I remembered that riding a bike is so hard that a 5-year-old can do it, and I wasn’t worried anymore.
Mr. Late Night: This just in: White House Deputy Communications Director Sam Seaborn ‘accidentally’ slept with a prostitute a few months ago.
Sidekick: A prostitute?
Mr. Late Night: Actually, they prefer ‘call girl’ to prostitute, but this is late night TV and we don’t care about being politically correct.
Sidekick: No, we don’t. So how does one ‘accidentally’ sleep with a prostitute?
Mr. Late Night: That’s what I was wondering. Apparently, they had a little communications problem.
Sidekick: Yeah, just a little bit.
Mr. Late Night: If I were President Barlet, I wouldn’t want my Deputy COMMUNICATIONS Director to be that . . . ah . . .
Sidekick: Communicationally Challenged?
Mr. Late Night: No that’s politically correct again. What I want to say is . . . stupid. Yeah, stupid works. I mean, could you imagine ‘accidentally’ sleeping with a prostitute? What a shock. You get done and she presents you with a bill.
Sidekick: Oh, man.
Mr. Late Night: That’s like your mother charging you for Thanksgiving Dinner.
Mr. Late Night: This prostitute is a really nice one, though. She’s just trying to put herself through law school.
Sidekick: You’re kidding.
Mr. Late Night: Actually, it’s a good entry-level position. Lawyers charge $500 an hour . . . prostitutes charge $500 an hour . . . I’ve heard . . . Lawyers screw people and suck . . . prostitutes . . . well, you get the idea.
Mr. Late Night: And the President is very sorry that this nice young call girl . . .
Mr. Late Night: . . . that this nice young prostitute was embarrassed by the whole mess. He told her that if she passes the exam, he’d make sure she's admitted to the bar.
Sidekick: Well, isn’t that nice.
Mr. Late Night: It just gives me the warm fuzzies. I mean, it’s about that we get an administration with enough guts to stand up for prostitutes.
Mr. Late Night: Doesn’t it just make you proud to be an American? Hooray for President Barlet and his strong support of working girls everywhere!
Mr. Late Night: Did you see in that paper today that 1 in 3 White House staffers is on drugs?
Sidekick: 1 in 3?
Mr. Late Night: Yes. I was a little surprised too. With everything that goes on in Washington, I would have thought the number would have been at bit higher. That was a little joke there. Get it? Higher?
Mr. Late Night: Here’s a weird one for you. It turns out that White House Chief of Staff Leo McGarry is a former alcoholic and drug addict.
Mr. Late Night: I mean, this guy is like the number two man in the White House. He’s the second most powerful man in Washington in real influence, if not in name. He advises the president every day. He makes foreign policy.
Sidekick: No wonder we’ve be on such good terms with Columbia recently.
Mr. Late Night: No kidding. It brings new meaning to the war on drugs . . .
Sidekick: We fought the war on drugs . . .
Mr. Late Night: . . . and the drugs won.
Mr. Late Night: So last night was the State of the Union address. The ratings were as high as they have ever being. Neilsen estimated that 62 homes in America had it on.
Sidekick: Actually, I lied on my survey to make me sound smarter, so the number is only 61.
Mr. Late Night: That’s still a record. You know we’re always on the lookout around here for dumb things that people print. Well, tonight we have one for you from the State of the Union Address. I kid you not. The network always gets a copy of the thing and they sent it over here because our toilet paper budget is low. If we could zoom in on this clip right here . . . see what is says? ‘I’m happy to report that our country is stranger than it was a year ago.’ STRANGER! At least the President is honest.
Mr. Late Night: We have a great show for you tonight! A couple of great folks are here to talk about . . .
Mr. Talking Head: We’re sorry to interrupt Late Night this evening, but we have breaking news about the President. This story is developing even now. We have a reporter on scene, so we’re going to the Newseum in Rosslyn, Virginia . . .
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