Wit, Wisdom, and all kinds of stuff from Xena


***THIS SITE UNDER CONSTANT CONSTRUCTION***

For those of you who do not know, here is what Xena is about.
Xena's hometown of Amphipolis was destroyed by a warlord, and her brother Lyceus was killed. She then became a warlord herself, and was

EVIL XENA

She traversed the ancient world being just plain mean. Along the way she met up with CEASER Ceaser betrayed her, and she got really bitter about it, and her new purpose in life was (as she put it in Destiny) Death. She continued around the world, wrecking havock. Then she met Hercules, and became good. (well actually.... She tried to seduce Iolas, Herc's best friend, who ended up hating her. Then she wouldn't let her warriors kill a baby, and they made her walk the "Gauntlet". THEN she became good) Xena now travels around greece,(and israel, and china, and egypt, and england, and france, and rome....)with Gabrialle, her trusty Bard/Best Friend/Some think more than that (come on, ya know what i'm talking about), doing good, and helping others. Gabrielle is also the Amazon Queen. She got the rite of cast by trying to save an Amazon, which meant that she was next in line for the Amazon throne, after Queen Melosa. She was taught fighting by Ephiny, who originally resented Gabby, but later became her friend


Then there are the Gods.

Ares

He is the god of war. Xena used to be his warrior. Now he is constantly trying to get her to return to his side, using all kinds of dirty tricks, which Xena overcomes. It is also likely that they were lovers, and there is a possibility that he is her father. (as suggested in "the Furies")
our main Goddess is...

Aphrodite


She is the goddess of love and beauty. She is also very petty and has a big ego. she is jealous of Xena, and makes trouble for Xena with her stupidity and ego.

ENTER THE VILLIAN
Xena's worst enemy is Callisto.
Callisto's village was destroyed,and her whole family killed, by evil Xena's army. Her pupose is to destroy Xena, not just kill her, but to "kill her soul" Callisto is actually a Goddess. Would you like to know why?
Callisto was trying to kill Hercules for Hera, and ate an Apple of Eternity. So she became an immortal. Then Xena died. But she wasn't all dead. Gabrielle had gone back to the Amazons (in the interm, Melosa, former queen of the Amazons, died, and her adopted daughter Valaska was ruling, but Gabrielle came back, and at Ephiny's request, took her right), and was going to cremate Xena. But Xena took over Autolycles's body (he is the king of thieves) and with his and Gabrielle's help, got ambrosia, the food of the gods, and came back to life. Valaska was pretty pissed, cause she wanted to be queen, then goddess. She got a hold of ambrosia, and became a goddess. Xena needed an immortal to beat Valaska, and Callisto was the only one within reach. In the end, Callisto got her ambrosia, but both she and Valaska were entombed in a lava pit. But she was rescued, by...

HOPE

Hope is Gabrielle's daughter by the evil God Dahak. Hope is very evil, and Xena tried to kill her, but Gabrielle sent her down the river in a basket. Hope came back the same season, and got Callisto, and she killed SOLAN. Solan is Xena's son. She had him with Borias, Borias was killed, and Xena, who was at war with the centuars (half man, half horse), and promised to leave if they would raise him, so he woulnd't be like his mother. Hope killed him, before Xena could ever tell him she was his mother. This created, what is known in the Xenaverse as the RIFT

There is also

JOXER

Joxer is an annoyance most of the time. He comes from a long line of Warlords, and good fighters. Joxer is the family let down He likes to pretend that he is a well known, and famous warrior. He also likes to hang with Xena and Gabrielle. He is MADLY in love with Gabrielle, who not only doesn't realize that he loves her, definately does not love him .

Subtext Alert of the Week
Week of 1/27/99
One of my favorite episodes is Fins Femmes and Gems. So I'm gunna review that episode. First of all, lets just do the plain old sexual inuendo. during that talk between Aphrodite and that bad guy, it is so filled with hint hint nuge nuge. anyways. when Gabrielle looks at the wall and tells Xena,"that's not physicaly possible" Xena says "sure it is" and that look was a knowing one. When Xena says "Lets get wet!!" and strips, it is very, well, you know. She says "your beautiful when your angry!" another nudge. When she rescues Gab, and Gab says that there could only be one person she could love, and It is her (as in NOT Xena) Xena looks possitively crushed. Another point.."Monkey man you bring her back!!" I heard a rumer that supposedly this episode was supposed to be like the "Ellen" puppy episode, and that Gabrielle became obsessed with Xena, but the idea was cut. Then the studio said that was complete bull. We can still hope though. now can't we??
Past subtext of the weeks

Click here to see more stuff. Why Xena is fantastic, where Xena has appeared, and more!!!XENA MISCILLANIOUS

Here is a growing list of Skills of Xena

Here are some good 'ole Xena Quotes

***XENA***

"I have MANY skills."
"Hey! This is great!! I can see where I've been!"
"when all this is over, I'm taking a long bath."
"No, I'm fine. The day is just repeating itself."
"Son of a Bacchae!"
*My Personal Favorite* And ya got a snowball's chance in Tartaras with me. Ya got that!?"
"No, no, yes, no, I tried that,, yes--both ways, no, I don't know, no again. "Are there any more questions? Good."
"Riseandshineyafilthyrottenmoanandpissasassafrassinargh!!!"
"Well, we better get some rest. Today is going to be a very busy day tomorrow...small joke"
"ahh! I love the smell of warrior sweat in the morning!"
"He(Ares) knows i'm half-god and all CRAZZY!"
"i might chop momma up later just for fun, not because she killed my father"
"Im gonna use you as a human shield Gabrielle, Just kidding"
"You want my head? well take it! 'cause it's driving me Crazy!!!
"I'm merely responding to that dark part of me that has a weakness for bad boys"
"I've cut off the flow of blood to you brain and other pertanent body parts. So tell me, how old were you when you lost you virginity"
"You may be immortal, but I can still do damage. How'ed you like to spend eternity in five pieces?"
"I'm crazy,....not stupid!!!"
"I don't ask for much, I just want my pony back"
"I got my butt whipped, didn't I?" (yes, by Najara in Crusaders)
"OOh! That's gotta hurt!"
"But if I can't have her(gabrielle), nobody's gonna have her."
"I have cut off the flow of blood to your brain, you'll be dead in seconds... or we could talk."
"You like shoving women so much? Try me."
"My name is Xena, I'm a problem solver"
"If you like the site of blood so much, keep talking."
"No matter. I'm crazy and your dead."
"That's not an offer, that's a statement of fact"
"I must be crazy, your beginning to make sense!"
"I have an interesting choice now, I can kill you or IL spend the rest of my life shuttling between babbling idiocy, and vivid claridy."
"I'm gonna slap these bitches silly!"
"Yah, don't be shy, your mother wasn't."
This is great! and to think I'v been using it all these years as a wapon!"

***GABRIELLE***

"Are you insane?! Have you no understanding of absolute inviolate cuddleness?"
"She wants me to fist a fish? I can barely say it, much less do it."
"I've figured out what the plan is... You're trying to drive me insane!"
"By the Gods! You are Beautiful!" (yes, she is talking about Xena)
"She likes what I do"
"I'll rise, but I REFUSE to shine!"
"If i die, i'll never speak to you again!"
"I'm sorry, you must have mistaken me for a pet."
"2 villages in dire straits-I hate when that happens."
"It's the blue eyes, the leather...some guys just love leather"
"Joxer, it pains me to tell you, that all day I have fantasised about RIPPING YOUR HEART OUT!!!"
"Oh No! I knew you were evil, but you were obnoxious too?"
"Xena would never let a warrior get close enough to do her, at least not that kind of do her"
"It's just what happens with things you love, sometimes they just leave you."
"There's only one way to end the cycle of hate, and that's through love."
"You want a piece of me! fine! here's a piece of me!"
"Joxer, you can barely kill time!"
"Ha! It's not like your breasts aren't dangerous enough, that was a joke, you can laugh"
"They're gonna sacrafice me, there gonna sacrafice me not..."

***CALLISTO***

"Love is a trick that nature plays on us to get us to reproduce..I'll have no part of it"
"Welcome t my world! Now get ready to leave it."
"Here comes trouble!"
"Don't be frightened! I bring you the gift of oblivion!"
"You don't just kill me and walk away!!"
"Such a pretty day for a blood bath."
"Like to kill me? Wish you could."
"Why is it, dear man, taht you look like an idiot?"
"Stupid fools! Don't you see? I'm doing you a favor!"
"Come out, Come out, wherever you are! I promise it won't hurt...MUCH!"
"Well, can you say, nighty night?"

***CEASAR***

"Now look at you, chained and captured by a woman that I chained and captured"
"You can't resist me Xena."
"You won't kill me, I have a destiny. I am will one day rule the world"

Not Necissarily Xena.. But still Good!
Be Odd, Be Even, Just be! (CK)
Pray for the Dead, and Fight Like Hell for the Living
A woman without a man, is like a fish without a bicycle.
You are the Most Dillusional Hallucination I have ever Met!!!(That's for Lauren, if you see this)
Sometimes a banana, is just a banana
Shut your festering Gob! (Jimmy)
I am perfectly sane! the voices told me so.
All visitors bring us happiness. Some by coming, others by leaving.
Sanity is relative, for some of us, its just a distant cousin
It's useless to plan for the unexpected.. By definition!(A. Hitchcock)

WANTED
* I saw somewhere that they are coming out with more xena dolls, with Valaska, Joxer, Ares, and Xena in different costumes. But since i first saw it, i haven't come across anything else about it. Does anyone know anything about it? if you do, please E-mail me, or leave a message in the GUESTBOOK about it

*Does anyone out there want to link to my page? You are welcomed to, but please leave me a message that you are.

*Does page want me to link to them? send me the adress and I will.

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It has recently come to my attention that there are some spelling errors on my page. Thank you to everyone who wrote to tell me. If you DO find a mis spelled word (and it is likely that you will) leave me a message and tell me WHERE, and what it should be. THANKS! -XenaGarb

1997 xenagarb@yahoo.com

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