Not TV21 - Issue 5

NOT TV21 - THE ON-LINE SCANDAL MAGAZINE FOR GERRY ANDERSON FANATICS - ISSUE 5 - EDITED BY TWO DRUNKS IN A PUB.

Above Thunderbird 3 is seen racing to save the stricken satellite. The photo was taken by an alien called Zog who was on his way to an Elvis Presley Convention in Margate.

DATELINE JULY 2nd 2002: RADIO AUTHORITY HEADQUARTERS.

The already tarnished reputation of International Rescue suffered another blow when a space-borne broadcaster claimed that two of the organisations members had argued furiously during a mission to save him. Mr Rick O'Shea recently accepted a job with Radio Bland, a satellite radio station that has cornered the market in non-needle time muzak of the 1960's. Radio Bland broadcast live from a geo-stationery satellite orbiting the earth. This led broadcasting pundits to question; A, their understanding of broadcasting practices in the current media environment, and B, their sanity. "I was very honoured to become their top and indeed only Disc Jockey", said Mr O'Shea. The DJ, whose habit of calling his listeners "Boys and Girls" has been described as both very irritating and statistically unproven, on the grounds that he does not appear to have any, continued, "When they offered to send me up in a left over Sputnik for 9 months and to broadcast 18 hours a day.... Well what would any sane man say?"

Mr O'Shea's problems started when his oxygen supply started to run low, "They gave me 18 milk bottles full of air to keep me going and told me to break the seal on a bottle if I started to get light headed". Mr O'Shea, a man of limited academic achievement continued, "I soon discovered this was not going to work so I called up Radio Bland on their Emergency hotline. Two days later, after they checked the answering machine, they said they would send up the emergency rocket to get me down. When I enquired again later that day they told me that they couldn't get the rocket to start. Eventually they owned up and admitted they didn't have one".

Feeling "a bit cheesed off" Mr O'Shea called International Rescue. "The first bloke I called wasn't very helpful. He said he'd been stuck up in space for 3 years himself and all he needed was rubber blankets. Eventually he agreed to send up a spaceship". Thunderbird 3 was despatched and eventually a link was set up between the two craft. "It was at this point", said Mr O'Shea, "That things became very silly".

A relieved Mr O'Shea thought a short space walk would be enough to save him, but it was not to be. "I was shocked to hear them arguing in the airlock", he said. The distressed broadcaster soon discovered the bone of contention between the two highly trained operatives. "The one called Alan wanted to do the walk himself, but his mate Scott said he would do it as he was the heroic one, and somebody told him he looked like a young Sean Connery. Alan objected on the grounds that it was his spaceship and he wanted a go", Mr O'Shea stated. "Scott then told Alan to "shut his ugly little gob" or he would tell his dad about the peephole that Alan drilled through to Tin Tin's bedroom. Alan retorted that his father already knew about the peephole, and in fact used it every Wednesday night".

Mr O'Shea became very embarrassed by the bickering and eventually decided to do the walk himself. "When I got across there Scott had Alan in a head lock and was saying he would never forgive him for breaking his old bike", the DJ said exasperated, "Alan was complaining about having to wear hand me down clothes all the time. Then they both started crying. It was all very pathetic really". Mr O'Shea finished his tale, "It was then I realised the only way we were going to get home is if I flew the rocket back, and this I did despite the fact the biggest thing I had driven before was a Ford Transit Van. I think this is the main reason we crashed landed in Iceland".

Despite his experience Mr O'Shea retains a healthy respect for International Rescue, "They're a good old fashioned family firm; just like the Borgias".

"It's so unfair". Alan Tracy is seen here throwing a tantrum about being the youngest in the family. Although that shirt has lasted well considering it's had four previous owners

NOT TV21 - NOT ONE OF DIRTY DESMOND'S PUBLICATIONS.

MYSTERON MARKETING MAYHEM MISERY

"We're not even on the key-rings", claims arch-enemy of mankind.

DATELINE JULY 13th 2002: WHEREVER THE MYSTERONS COME FROM.

The Mysterons, sworn enemy of mankind are considering a complaint to the Office of Fair Trading about the way their struggle for interplanetary domination is being merchandised. "It's totally unfair", said a spokesman, "When we agreed to this it was to be 'Captain Scarlet and the Mysterons' but he always gets his name in a bigger typeface. You can hardly read hours and sometimes it gets missed off altogether. We're off back home If we don't get equal billing in the Radio Times (other TV listing magazine's are available). See if you can find somebody else to try and totally destroy your planet".

The disgruntled aliens are also trying to improve their share of the spin off cake. "Spectrum get a royalty from things like the SPV. We read somewhere it was the best selling die cast toy in your pitiful world. And there are Cloudbase toys, books and T-shirts. How can we compete with that?"

The Mysterons have been disappointed with their attempts to break into merchandising so far. Due to their similar look they thought a partnership with "Polo Mints" might have worked but the mint manufacturer weren't keen. A CD was recorded; "The Mysterons sing a tribute to Barry White", but wasn't released as nobody could tell the difference between the old and new versions. There was also a strong rumour that Barry and the Colonel were brothers.

Marketing specialists have identified two problems. One is their present agent Captain Black. The feeling is that while he may be excellent at planning to assassinate world presidents or blowing up vital dams, he may not be the right man to negotiate a tea towel franchise. The other shortcoming is recruiting an advertising agency as many in the industry feel the Mysterons custom of killing humans and bringing them back as undead spectres is deterring the top agencies from becoming involved.