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ONLY 7d SOON TO BE INVOLVED IN A BITTER PRICE WAR WITH ARCH-RIVAL TV COMIC |
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ONLY 7d SOON TO BE INVOLVED IN A BITTER PRICE WAR WITH ARCH-RIVAL TV COMIC |
DATELINE JUNE 1st 2002: SPACE CITY. |
| The biggest sexual harassment trial in Space City history finally ended today. Professor Matthew Mattic, the navigator and scientific officer of Fireball XL5, was sensationally found guilty of unlawful sexual conduct towards a fellow crewmate. |
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The hushed courtroom heard how the elderly bespectacled pensioner made continuous sexual advances over a period of 6 months toward Fireball XL5’s beautiful blonde medic Venus. His defence team had tried to halt legal proceedings by lodging a special defence of dementia. However trial judge Commander Zero rejected this plea and demanded the trial continued, as “he hadn’t had a good laugh in ages”. |
Commander Zero & Lieutenant Ninety. |
Mattic protesting his innocence. |
Mattic has continually protested his innocence by claiming that a mysterious presence made him do it. The bewildered defendant claimed that these actions were not of his own volition and that his movements were controlled by “a bloke called Gerry”. As the trial progressed the accused became increasingly hysterical claiming that nothing was real and every inhabitant of Space City was just a character in a 60’s TV series. To support his claim he pointed out that everyone and every thing around them was in black and white and it was highly unlikely everyone was colour blind. |
| In an effort to play down his
client’s eccentricities Lieutenant Ninety the
Defence Lawyer went on the attack. Blonde stunner Venus
denied under cross-examination that she fabricated these
stories because she was jealous of Mattic, as he had a
surname and she didn’t. She pointed out that she had
been romantically linked to Steve Zodiac, the dynamic
pilot of Fireball XL5 for a number of years and that he
had a surname. She added that it was
slightly strange that she couldn’t recall her
surname but that both the trial judge and defence lawyer
had no first name and a number for a last name. Did that
affect them in a strange way?
By this time an air of paranoia descended around the courtroom and in an unprecedented move Commander Zero ordered Mattic be “locked up forever as he was giving everyone the willies”. |
Fireball XL5's crew pictured in court. |
TORCHY TRAGEDY - TIME'S UP FOR TOPSY-TURVY'S TRAGIC TOY. |
| In an exclusive interview with NOT TV21, Torchy the Battery Boy has admitted he's living on borrowed time. The clockwork toy who became a TV star in the late 50's admitted that he is unlikely to be around much longer due to tragic circumstances that occurred on his last trip down to earth. |
Speaking from his adopted home in Topsy-Turvy Land, where he was forced to flee to escape persecution in 1957, the toy told NOT TV21 about how he has struggled through his long life of suffering and neglect "I always loved to pop back down to earth and make life difficult for old bossy boots" he said, She made my life hell during the time I spent living in her house. She'd chuck me about and try to pull one of my limbs off. Eventually one of the other toys told me about this magical place " a wonderful twinkling star where toys could walk and animals could talk: where the fields were full of lollipops and cream buns grew on trees". I thought - Sod it! What have I got to lose? I've never been to Wolverhampton and it sounded wonderful. Slowly I began to draw up plans to escape and eventually I hooked up with Mr Bumble-Drop. He told me that this magical place was in actual fact Topsy-Turvy land and not Wolverhampton. I was apprehensive when he told me the only way to reach it was by rocket. He explained I'd be locked inside a tin can and propelled millions of miles into space by igniting 100,000,000 tons of liquid hydrogen. Suddenly the prospect of living out the rest of my life with Bossy Boots didn't seem too bad but I was eventually persuaded to give it a try. |
Torchy the battery boy speaking from his nursing home in Topsy-Turvy Land. |
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At
this point Torchy began to look unwell. Noticing his
discomfort NOT TV21 suggested lying on the couch and
continuing the interview from there. He rose slowly and
gingerly moved over to the couch and lay down carefully.
"I have to be careful in my condition", he
explained, "One false move and PING! No more
Torchy!". When he felt well enough to continue he spoke about how the media got involved in his escape plans. "Yeah Gerry Anderson wanted to break into Television and he thought my story would make an excellent documentary series", Torchy explained, "He thought that my flight from persecution to a land of hope and freedom would appeal to viewers and he was proved right. The first series was a great success and the viewers loved how I overcome adversity to make a new life for myself. They found it very uplifting at first but it all began to go wrong very quickly". |
| He
carried on with his life story. "When I got to
Topsy-Turvy land I found it was everything that I hoped
for and more. I had a great time and
made many friends including Flopsy the Rag Doll and Pom
Pom the clockwork French Poodle. I was so overjoyed to be
free of Bossy Boots' tyranny", he beamed. "I
began to celebrate and party hard. I over indulged in
lollipops and cream buns and was extremely happy at
first. However the deep hatred I felt for that bitch
"BB" began to surface and I wanted
vengeance", he stated through gritted teeth.
"The cameras followed my every move as I exacted
petty revenge on her week after week. My practical jokes
began to get nastier and nastier until Gerry couldn't
take it any more", He said shaking his head, "
Gerry declined the offer to do another series with me and
went on to produce a series of documentaries featuring
shadowy militaristic organisations. I think he liked the
uniforms". The second series went ahead without Gerry Anderson but viewers saw a different side to Torchy in this batch of episodes. The Battery Boy had killed Bossy Boots' husband, albeit by accident, in a bizarre practical joke involving blancmange and a hysterical donkey called Simon. The viewer's sympathies seem to shift towards Bossy Boots, who was by this time struggling to bring up a young family in a council flat in Gateshead. "The viewers hated me by this time", Torchy explained, "They found my incessant victimisation of a young widow distasteful. Eventually the plug was pulled on the show and I retired to a life of relative obscurity". |
| As
we neared the end of our interview Torchy explained how
his last trip to earth contributed to his downfall and
how an insatiable desire to make amends had resulted in
him suffering from his incurable condition. "I began to feel a great deal of remorse about how I treated "BB" and hired a private detective to trace her", he continued, "When I found out where she lived I went to her flat but she was out doing some charity work. Unfortunately her grand-daughter was in and she turned out to be a right chip off the old block". At this point he began to visibly shake, but carried on despite his distress. "She played with me, gently at first but then started to get bored very quickly", he began to sob, " Then the old abuse started. She chucked me around the room, attempted to divest me of a couple of limbs and then chucked me into the back of her toy cupboard. And that's when it happened - She forgot about me". |
Torchy pictured talking to our reporter. |
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As he approached the final conclusion of the story he gulped down a glass of water hurriedly and continued. "I was stuck in that bloody cupboard for months.", he sobbed uncontrollably, "During that time the acid from the torch battery had leaked from my bizarre headgear and began to rust my clockwork mechanism. By the time I was rescued my innards had corroded beyond repair. The spring is hanging on by a thread and any sudden movement could dislodge it!". He broke down and began to wail loudly as Pom Pom the clockwork French Poodle attempted to console him. Our reporter decided to terminate the interview there and left quietly. At her home in Gateshead Bossy Boots felt some sorrow for her former co-star. "I'm sorry that all this has happened", She said, "I was very young when I did all those terrible things to him and didn't realise that toys had feelings. I've managed to turn my life round now, I'm a member of the Toy Samaritans and do a couple of nights a week. I'm sorry this has happened to Mr Torchy but I feel that I've repaid my former misdemeanours in full. I've talked things over with my grand-daughter who has seen the error of her ways and she will be much kinder to her toys in future. When NOT TV21 phoned up the Samaritans and asked to be put through to the toy branch a spokesman said, "What the f**k are you talking about?". |
NEXT ISSUE: THE TRUTH ABOUT THE BATTLING TRACY BROTHERS. |
ISSUE 1 |
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ISSUE 2 |
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ISSUE 3 |
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ISSUE 5 |
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ISSUE 6 |
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