Not TV 21 Issue 3

Printing the stories no other newspaper would bother to print.

Price

We still have no idea how much that is in Euros.

THE HOOD

I'M JOINING A HOT CHOCOLATE TRIBUTE BAND: PAGE 14

ISSUE 3................NOT TV21 - THE ON-LINE SCANDAL MAGAZINE FOR GERRY ANDERSON FANATICS...........EDITED BY TWO IDIOTS WITH WAY TOO MUCH TIME ON THEIR HANDS...................

DATELINE 4th MAY 2002: MARINEVILLE.

The super powered submarine Stingray has been sensationally stolen from its pen at Marineville. Despite the presence of its Captain Troy Tempest and his loyal companion Phones at the time of the theft. "We were just having a quick doze", said the bewildered ace mariner," I was having a nice dream involving Marina, Atlanta and a barrel load of sticky chocolate. When I awoke, I found the submarine had gone. Phones and I were left dangling in our chairs at the top of the pole, which takes us from our headquarters to our hangar. I feel a bit of a fool to be honest with you."

But "Phones" Sheridan, Tempests hitherto loyal deputy denies he was asleep on duty. "I was listening to a bit of drum and bass on my cans", he claimed," and some rap, hip hop and garage. With a name like Phones I reckon I could become a pretty cool DJ, and I can play the banjo as well. Could be a pretty shrewd move now that our submarine has been nicked. Last time this happened they made us clear out the toilets until we got a new one".

It is thought the submarine was dismantled around the crewmen while they were .... preoccupied. The process may have taken up to six hours. "We were rather tired", said Troy. "I'm larging it up!" added Phones who was looking at his hands in a funny way.

Have you seen this submarine?

No: Neither have we.

Wasp officials sprang into action as soon they realised the ship was missing. "There was a lot of swearing and shouting", said an official spokesman, " Even Marina stamped her foot, which is a difficult thing for her to do. At first we had no idea who would have stolen the sub. Then we checked all our computer records. We still haven't a clue but at least we feel that we have done something today".

At this point a junior WASP officer offered this theory. Apparently, Stingray has been stolen by a fundamental group of Doctor Who fans. They are planning to take the vessel to the Solent. There they will wait until faded TV executive Michael Grade is out sailing his yacht. Once he drifts into range they will launch a sting missile and sink his beloved boat and shout, "That'll teach you to axe Doctor Who you b*st*rd!!!!" They then plan to raise the Jolly Roger while playing the classic Radiophonic theme tune at full blast.

The Wasp official then looked a bit embarrassed and muttered something about the officer in question being "a bit of a loner". When it was suggested that the evil Lord Titan who had vowed to wipe out WASP and capture Stingray at all costs might be somehow involved the spokesman brightened up. "Oh we'd forgot all about him", he said sheepishly, "We lost a lot of files after a rather good Christmas party".

DATELINE 21st MAY 2002: THE BOOZY DUCK.

SUPERCAR PILOT TALKS EXCLUSIVELY TO NOT TV21

Sitting alone in a dingy drinking den, few people cast a glance at the bedraggled figure at the bar. The barmaid nods NOT TV21 in his direction. "Yeah! that's him", she said, "That's Simon Dee!".

"Simon Dee!" The derelict figure growled indignantly. "I am not bloody Simon Dee!!".

"Oh, aren't you?", asked the bewildered wench, "I was told that's who you were. A burned out has-been from the 1960's, totally forgotten by the public".

"Well I am that but I was a much bigger star." acknowledges our sozzled subject He wobbles unsteadily on his stool as he manages a little theatrical flourish. "I am Mike Mercury Pilot of SUPERCAR!!"

Our hostess looks nonplussed and asks "Is that one of the BMW range?"

Mike Mercury looks at me mournfully. "She's been serving me drink for fifteen years ", he sighs expelling a blast of whiskey fumes, "Fame doesn't last forever".

Ask Troy Tempest, Scott Tracy or Captain Scarlet what they think of Mike Mercury and you'll get the same answer; they've never heard of him. That's a pity , as Mercury was the first. "I was the pilot", he says, "Supercar was the marvel of the age. That and the Comet jet. It could fly, dive under water and go across land. Only problem was very few drivers had a pilots licence, let alone a seaman's certificate. So they all went off and bought a Mini instead. Also they cost three million pounds each, which was a lot of money in 1961. Bit of a marketing cock up really.

You're my best mate in the whole wide world you are. You know that don't you?

The door to the gent's toilet creaks open. To my surprise a small primate emerges smoking a cigarette, burping and scratching his genitals. "He's my mate", says Mike, "Been together now for forty years, and it don't seem a day too long. This is Mitch the monkey. Mitch and I were very big in showbiz circles in the 60's. We were down the Marquee club when we ran into the Beatles. Nice lads. I gave them a few ideas for songs and they recorded one of them. "Everybody's got something to hide except me and my monkey". I believe its on the White Album.

The fast lifestyle was one of the reasons Mike left Supercar. "It was the 60's man, and I enjoyed the racy life. It was all covered up at the time but me and Mitch had some wild parties going on. Malcolm Muggeridge was one crazy dude. In fact we were going to change gigs for a while. I was going to present some late night chat shows discussing comparative religion, philosophy and the ascent of man. Meanwhile, Malcolm would take Supercar and find Masterspy, who had stolen a tin of invisible paint". Mercury shrugged his shoulders. "Never happened though. Bernard Levin refused to discuss the importance of Greek philosophy with Mitch and Malcolm couldn't find his driving licence.

Mike's time with Supercar came to an abrupt end. "I flew her into the eye of a tornado Pretty daring I thought but I was only supposed to be nipping down to the shops for a pint of milk. Then I failed the breathalyser Test. I'd been out with Ollie Reed and Richard Harris the night before. After this, Mike got a job as a milkman but left complaining that he couldn't get the float to take off." After that...." Mike just shrugs.

Professor Popkiss

(or maybe Dr Beaker?)

And what of his former colleagues? "I know that Popkiss and Beaker formed a Simon and Garfunkel tribute band. Apparently their version of Cecilia is pretty duff, and they got booed off in Hull. Little Jimmy Gibson is a male model for a slipper company and Mitch here is a policy advisor to Prime Minister Tony Blair". And what of Mercury himself. "I'm just a bloke who gets mixed up with Simon Dee" He said cradling his whiskey wistfully.