Ending the Silence

* MESSAGE BOARD
* HOME
* DONATIONS
* HOTLINES
* DEFINING ABUSE
   * PHYSICAL ABUSE
    * SEXUAL ABUSE
    * NEGLECT
    * EMOTIONAL ABUSE
* GROWING UP
   * Mixed Messages
    * Helpful Hints for Assertive Behavior
    * Lack of Empathy
    * Why is it so difficult to speak my mind with those who matter most?
     * Family Game of Denial
     * Inconsistency & Unpredictability
     * Role Reversal
     * The Closed Family System
* SEXUAL ABUSE
     * Effects Of Sexual Abuse
      * Lost of Self Esteem
* DEPRESSION
      * What Is Depression?
       * Types of depression
       * What Are the Symptoms of Depression?
       * Recognizing the Signs of Suicide
       * What to do if someone you know is    thinking of suicide?
* SELF-INJURY
      * How do you know if you self-iinjure?
       * Classifying self-harm
       * How do I know if I'm ready to stop?
       * Help for families and friends
       * So what do I do instead?
       * References
* THE HEALING JOURNEY
              * Self-Esteem Booster
               * Celebrate your strengths to raise   your self esteem
               * Questions to ask yourself to survey   your self esteem
               * What names do you call yourself?
               * Essence of Forgiveness
               * Honoring the Child you were
* CHANGING PATTERNS
            * Past Becomes Present
               * Common Patterns in Adult Survivors
               * What is normal?
               * Feelings: Necessary part of life
               * Panic: Calming Down
               * Guilt & Shame
               * What is guilt?
               * What is anxiety?
               * What is panic disorder?
               * Panic attack symptoms
               * Anger management tips
               * Boundaries
               * Signs of ignored boundaries
               * Rational boundary building thinking
               * How to establish healthy boundaries
               * Ten ways to build your self esteem
               * How to increase your self esteem
              * Self Acceptance
* GETTING SUPPORT
            * The Different Therapy Styles and Theoretical Orientations
                * What type of therapist do you need?
                * Choosing a counselor/therapist
                * Partners/Supporters of Survivors of Child Abuse
                * Support Groups
                * 10 Steps to protect yourself online
                * How to help? (Friend or Family)
                * Sources for you (supporter/partner) to receive support
                * Support groups Links
* DATE RAPE
           * What is Acquaintance Rape?
               * Things You Oughta Know About
               * Date Rape Drugs
               * Protecting Yourself from Date Rape   Drugs
* LINKS
* ARTICLES (PIECES WRITTEN BY ME)
            * Shattered Glass
               * Pitfalls of Life
               * Strings of family
               * Remembering..rage against mother
               * Working through mother blame
               * The Child Within
               * "please-aholic" how does one stop?
               * Memories...........
               * Rambling about parenthood
               * Are our kids safe?
               * IS Happiness A conscience Choice?
               * Excerise: I don't remember
               * A spark of anger.. I MATTER
               * Evolution of Childhood
               * “I committed no crime”
               * What kind of mother am I?
* BOOKS
* Ancient Mythology
* Ancient Superstitions
* Wicca & Witchcrafts
* Discovering Dragons
* Gem Magic
* Herbal Magic
* Faeries
* Art with Words
* Dragonpoet’s Poetry
* World of Neopets

The abuse was never our fault! We never asked for it, wanted it, or needed it. It was done to us!

If you have visited this site before then you know that its appearance has changed yet again. I love to hear what you about the changes to the site, if you like them, or prefer the older look, and if you are new, well then you have little to compair this new look with, but in neither case, I hope you enjoy the site and thank you for stopping bye.

Been battered and bruised,
Been lost in the darkness,
Drowning in the sea of sorrow,
But here I am still standing,
Still seeking and striving
To stand tall.

Click on any of the areas listed below to visit those pages. Thank you.

Introduction:

Effects Of Sexual Abuse

Lost of Self Esteem

As survivors we may feel ashame, dirty, and that what happened was our fault, but it wasn't our fault, and we never asked for it!

Click on any of the links below to visit other sites dedicated to Sexual Abuse.

* PANdora's Box
* RAINN
* Sexual Abuse of Males
* National Organization for Male Survivors
* What is Child Sexual Abuse?
* Child Abuse Prevention Network
* Sexual Abuse- Dr. Greene
* Survivors of Incest Anonymous
* INCEST SURVIVORS
* Abuse/Incest Support
* Survivors Forum
* Checklist for Survivors
* Dancing in the Dark
* Buttterflies
* Survivors Art Foundation
* Spiritual Healing for Survivors for Clergy Sexual Abuse
* Incest Survivors Information
* Incest Survivors
* VOICES In Action

Dealing With Shame

Sexual Abuse, Rape, Incest, or Assualt all leads one to feeling powerless. As a child one is powerless to stop what is happening, there is little if anything the child can do to protect themselves. One of the steps in healing is to regain the power that was lost, to take back what you should have had. It isn't easy, but it is essential to know that now as an adult you can take back power stolen from you. Sometimes that may entail confronting the abuse, but no matter what action you take, it is important to regain power over your life.

Flashbacks

If you have a great link that should be focused here then please email me at dragonpoet

Books: most can be found on Amazon.com
* The Wounded Heart: Hope for Adult Victims of Childhood Sexual Abuse
by Dan B. Allender, Larry Crabb
* Allies in Healing: When the Person You Love Was Sexually Abused as a Child
by Laura Davis
* Beginning to Heal: A First Book for Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse
by Ellen Bass, Laura Davis
* Sexual Violence: Our War Against Rape
by Linda Fairstein
* License to Rape: Sexual Abuse of Wives
by David Finkelhor
* Breaking Trust: A Priest Looks at the Scandal of Sexual Abuse
by William J. Bausch
* Childhood's Thief: One Woman's Journey of Healing from Sexual Abuse
by Rose Mary Evans
* The Courage To Heal
by Ellen Bass & Laura Davis
* The Right to Innocence: Healing the Trauma of Childhood Sexual Abuse by Beverly Engel.
There numerous other books as well if you like to recommend one send an email to dragonpoet.



If you were sexually abused you are not alone. I too was sexually abused. I was molested and raped by my stepfather from the age of 3 till I was 15 when I first broke the silence. However, that had just been the beginning of struggles. My struggles didn't end when the abuse stopped and either has yours! The sexual abuse we endured as children has discolored all aspects of our lives from how we view ourselves to the world. Yet, we can heal our wounded soul, rediscovering our lives and embrace life. Statistically, 1 out of 3 girls and 1 out of 7 boys are sexually abused before they reach their 18th birthday. Sexual abuse crosses all boundaries from race to cultures, to classes and religion and gender. It doesn't matter! The abuse can be done by anyone from a family member to family friend, a neighbor, babysitters, teachers, coaches, or strangers. The abuser is commonly male, but it can be a female as well. All forms of sexual abuse are damaging and the trauma doesn't cease when the abuse stops! No, you can endure the effects of the abuse long after (To read the long term effects of abuse, click here.) However, healing is possible, it is possible to learn how to thrive, to feel whole, satisfied, pleasure, joy, and genuine love and trust in your relationships. "Time heals all wounds" and in a sense this is true to an extent, however time may only dull pain. Deep healing doesn't happen unless you consciously choose to do so. Healing from sexual abuse takes time, commitment and dedication. "Abuse clings to one's soul like glue, unhealed it festers, condemning one to a private hell. Isn't it time to break free from that private hell?" Isn't it time you give yourself the best gift you can? I feel that the biggest thing you can do for yourself is the commitment to yourself, to decide to look closely at yourself, to face the demons, fears, and pain! It will not be easy, but anything worth while is never easy, and you are worth it. It will be riddled with pain, but are you free from pain now? A note of caution: Before beginning to heal be sure that you have a support system around you, and that you are in therapy to assist you in dealing with the issues that may appear. For myself, I have come a long ways since I broke the silence years ago. Much of the initial pain is gone, but my life is far from pain free, and I still have issues to work on, but I have far more good days then bad. I face each day with courage, facing the issues as they appear, and doing the best I can. All I can ask of myself is that I do the best I can, isn't all that you can ask of yourself?

Sexual abuse means any exploitation of a child for the sexual gratification of an adult. Sexual abuse includes: * Fondled, kissed, or held for an adult's sexual gratification * Forced to perform oral sex on an adult or sibling * Raped or otherwise penetrated * Made to watch sexual acts * Forced to listen to excessive talk about sex * Fondled or hurt genitally while being bathed * Subjected to unnecessary medical treatments to satisfy an adult's sadistic or sexual needs * Shown sexual movies or other pornographic material * Made to pose for seductive or sexual photographs * Involved in child prostitution ot pornography * Forced to take part in ritualized abuse in which you were physically, psychologically, or sexually tortured But sexually abuse doesn't always have to physical, it can also include being: * Having your father watch you while you use the bathroom or get dressed * Having you father or male figure make sexually suggestive comments * Having your father, uncle or male figure walk around naked, calling attention to his penis, or talking about his sexually exploits or asking questions about your own. Violation is determined by your experience as a child-your body, your feelings, and your spirit. The physical acts are not always the most damaging aspect of the abuse, for the emotional violation, the betrayal can be just as damaging if not more so. Some survivors claimed that since no physical violation had occurred that they were not really sexual abuse, but that isn't the case, it depends on your reactions, and how it affects you. Children often cope with sexual abuse by forgetting that it ever happened. You may have no conscious memory of being abused or lose large chunks of your childhood. For myself, I have this to be true, since I have no actually memory of the abuse before the age of seven, and yet, I have proof that some sexually fondling occurred before that age. I do remember some occurrences of the abuse between the ages of 7 and 15, but not all of the events can I remember. It is almost as if they appear to me like a movie that the events have occurred to someone else. There are things that I do remember, and if you are a survivor of sexually abuse there are things that you remember. You may feel nauseated if you are touched in a certain way, maybe certain facial expressions or words frighten you, or maybe like me as a teenager you slept fully dressed. Child abuse has a long lasting effect on us as adults, but we can heal from it. We can learn to thrive, to understand that the abuse we suffered wasn't our fault; we didn't ask for it, we didn't deserve it.
			Before I begin, I thought to ask this question: "what effects did the sexual abuse endured as a child have/had/has on your life?" Reportedly, at least one out of five boys and one out of four girls are abused before they reach their 18th birthday, but did you know that at the age the first abusive action took place, is where emotional growth is stifled at? (What age did your abuse begin at, and what emotional age are you, or have you grown since you started to heal from the abuse?) Sexual abuse, for those who don't know, entails any sexual conduct between a child and a trusted individual, covert or overt, flirtations or sexual intercourse. The abuse scars every facet of a child's life, leaving the child with little or no self-esteem. Many of the protective skills and survivor skills that a child develops follow the child into adulthood where the same skills become an hindrance and a problem in facing everyday life. The very skills that assisted a child in surviving, now, as adult causes isolation, social problems, addictions, etc. yet old behaviors can be changed, the negative turned into the positive, but the first step is to identify old beliefs, old patterns, and behaviors. Slowly, one can begin to change them into a positive. Remember the child developed these skills so that a child could survive in a hostile environment. Be proud of the child you once was, since it was the child that helped you escape and survive. How can anyone expect a child to survive in an adult world alone? No one could, but that is exactly what happens to a child who is abused. An abused child doesn't feel unconditional love and support, doesn't received unrestricted guidance, but instead receives a twisted, warped love with strings attached. An abused child doesn't learn to trust her/his own perceptions, but to distrust them, and learns how to minimize, rationalizes, and accepts blame onto herself/himself. As adults they can run into the problem of minimizing their own needs, rationalizing when someone does something wrong to them, and second-guessing any decision they make. Thus, as adults one finds themselves returning to abusive cycle or finding themselves trapped in an abusive relationship believing it is what they deserve. For myself, I rationizing why the abuse was taking place, why it was happening to me, and once believed that I had caused it, that it was the result of something I had done. I can remember in my teen years going over and over situation like if I hadn't done this or that... always distrusting my own perceptions. I also minimized my needs, and from the earliest age that I can remember I would give my food or toys to anyone if someone else wanted them. I have always accepted the blame for things when things went wrong even if I had nothing to do with the situation. My favorite saying for the longest time was, "I'm sorry." I have gotten better at asking for what I need, accepting the fact that I have needs too, and to not always think it is my fault or that I am to blame, but it isn't easy. Sometimes I fall back onto old behaviors like a comforting skin because sometimes that is easier then depending what I need, and want. (Currently, I have no contact with my family since my mother moved out in a rage and moved in with brother down south. It is all everyone in the family has made me the bad guy, which is nothing new to me, and in the end, I believe my life is probably better without them, however another part of me, missing my mother still...) The parenting skills of a survivor are adapt to go three ways, one attempting to be the prefect parent, avoiding parenthood, or repeat the abuse. For myself personally, I have seen myself struggling to be the prefect parent, to have the best solution, and to smooth any rough patches in my children's lives. When problems occur, even the simplest that they should solve themselves, I have to hold myself back, and bite my tongue for my instinct is to take care of it for them and to prevent them from any harm. At times when my kids get mad at me, like all kids do of their parents, if stabs me to the very core when they use phrases like..."I hate you!" "It’s your fault", etc. I am struggling to let my kids be who they are, and to learn the lessons they need to learn, but it isn't easy not to fly in and save the day. Some of the social maladjustments arising from incest are alcoholism, drug addiction, prostitution and promiscuity. For myself, I became what I detested for a short period of time. I became a drunk, numbing my emotions with bronze, and sometimes when I am under a mountain of stress I fight against the desire to return to the bottle. I know that it brings no answers, but sometimes I just don't what to feel anything. I also went through a period of promiscuity, believing that if a guy had sex with me then it meant he loved me. I know that isn't true, and it set me up for a lot of hurt, and for a time I hated men, but I meet my husband, who was the few male species that I meet that refused to sleep with me on the first, second or even a six months later. He just kept saying that it was important to be my friend then to have sex with me, even though he wanted too, he knew it was the only way to get me to begin to trust him, and truly allow him into my life. Some of the physical consequences of being a victim are eating disorders, sleep disorders, migraines, back or stomach problems. For myself, as a teen I was anorexia. At one time I believed that if I controlled what I ate, or didn't eat at all that I could become invisible and thus, if he couldn't see me then he couldn't molest me. Food was the one area of my life that I felt I had control of, and even now, when life gets stressful, the first behavior I seem to fall back on is not eating, which isn't healthy for me. Another repercussion of incest is with authority figures. I know for myself that anyone in charge is view with fear and anxiety to the point that I will be become nausea and extremely uncomfortable if I have to deal with them. I even have a job that keeps contact with Those in charge to a bare minim if any contact at all for days at a time.


		Minimizing Minimizing means "pretending that whatever happened wasn't really that bad." You find ways of downplaying the actions of the adults. "Kids growing up surrounded by abuse often believe that everyone else grows up the same way." I know that I did. I actually believed that there had to be something wrong with me, and that was why I didn't feel comfortable with the sexual abuse my stepfather was doing. I honestly thought that it was just how everything was supposed to be, that he had a responsibility to teach me about sex, and how to please a man. I know now, that wasn't true, but I didn't then. Rationalizing Rationalizing "is the means by which children explain away abuse." We invent reasons as to why the abuse is happening, and keep the focus on the abuser as we attempted to explain their actions. A feat that I have done myself, explaining that the emotional abuse my mother gave to me was because I caused the love of her life to leave her alone with a small ill child. I explained the sexual abuse I received from my stepfather as the simple fact that he was my teacher, and that he was an alcoholic who didn't know any better, that somehow he had become confused, and thought that I was his wife, or at least performing some of her roles. As well as for a while I spent time, trying figure out why they could treat me the way they had, explaining that he had been physically abused by his father, and that my mother has been verbally abused by her own mother and older sister. Yet, in the end, all I was doing was focusing on them, instead of myself. Denying Denying "is turning your head the other way and pretending that whatever happened isn't, or what has happened didn't." It is almost universal where incest is concerned. Denial is a way of avoid telling anyone about the abuse. It is easy for a child to deny the abuse then to face the fact that the abuse is happening. For a long time, I did this, until I wake up one day and found myself looking at suicide or survival. I had been fifteen years old, and no longer able to handle the abuse that was occurring. I was frightened of getting pregnant, and yet, how could I tell anyone that it could happen? How could I tell anyone that I was having sex with my stepfather? I had become really depressed, wanting to die, to be invisible, become anxerioa, and found myself striving toward very dangerous behaviors. I was looking for death, being unable to actually commit suicide, and yet, sometime deep inside of me told that my life could be different. It was a painful choose, but I had to stop denying that the abuse was occurring, and had to expose the secret, no matter what pain it caused my family, for I knew that I had a right to have a chance at having a life. It wasn't easy for me, for I had feared being completely rejected my family, especially my mother, who I wanted to protect, but once in my life I had acted totally selfishly and faced the truth, forcing them to face it too. Forgetting Forgetting is one of the most common and effective ways children deal with sexual abuse. "The human mind has tremendous powers of repression." Many children are able to forget about the abuse, even as the abuse is happening to them. The capacity to forget explains why so many adult survivors are unaware of the fact that they were abused. Splitting "Clinically, splitting refers to the tendency to view people or events as either all good or all bad. It is a way of coping that allows a person to hold opposite, unintegrated views. For example, the child who separates the father whom she depends on for love and protection from the father who abuses her." This allows you to preserve an image of the "good" father, but at a great cost. You are left identifying yourself as "bad" in order to make sense of the abuse. Splitting can also mean the way a sexual survivor describes the way in which one leaves one's body as the abuse is occurring. This is something I did every time I was sexually abused, for as the abuse was occurring it always seemed as if it was movie, or was happening to someone else who just looked like me, but was me at all. Control Many survivors have a problem with control. One either needs complete control or has a lack of control, but commonly since one grew up in a chaotic environment that one attempts to control or have order in one's life. For me, the one thing that will always trigger a panic attack is the fear that I have no control. Yet, the ability to have control is both a positive and a negative. Chaos Surprisingly enough some survivors learned to have control by creating chaos. "If your behavior is out of control, you force the people around you to drop what they are doing to respond to your latest problems." You learn that you can get attention by creating a crisis, and yet it is negative attention that you are receiving. Most survivors and children of alcoholic parents are good at both resolving and generating crises. I am no different, and sometimes feel that I thrive in chaotic environments best. (Currently, hold a job that is fast paced, and very chaotic at times.) Spacing Out All survivors may have the uncanny ability to space out, to not be present. The main problem with this kind of distancing is that you can cut yourself off, not only from the pain, but from the richness of life and human feelings. For myself, I had cut off my emotions, feeling nothing, and not knowing how to react to any situation with any kind of real emotions. At the beginning stages of my healing as I was just beginning to feel, I would mirror the emotions of those around me, since I didn't know what feelings were and always tried to react in ways that were expected of me, but never truly feeling them. This is still something that plagues me from time to time, especially in regards to anger, an emotion that I fear since it seems so uncontrollable. Feelings are an important part of life, for they can act as warnings, as triggers to whatever situation that is occurring in our life. Being Super Alert As a child, tuning into every nuance of your environment may have saved you from being abused. You may have always known where you were in a room, which was around you, knowing where the entrance and exits were, knowing what mood the people around you were in. This can be asset, but the constant alertness can be taxing, and everyone needs to relax sometime. For myself as a child, I was good at this, knowing what those around me might want even before they asked or moved for it. A number of those in family believed I was always being helpful, and yet, in reality I was trying to head off any problems that may be occurring before they had a chance to happen. It left me with having a hard time relaxing, of knowing even how to relax. Humor A tough sense of humor, a bitter wit or a sense of cynicism can get you through the hard times. You may have used laughter as a protected shield, knowing that as long as you can laugh then nothing is truly bothering you. When in reality, the opposite was probably the truth. Busyness A behavior I still possess very much today, for when I am under emotional stress, I am always doing something, keeping myself busy, instead of feeling. Survivors use busyness to avoid feelings and to avoid being present. Escape Another way to cope with the abuse is to escape. You may have tried to run away either literally, or by reading books. You may have escaped reality by entering into a fantasy, either creating one or consuming a lot of books. For myself I was very much a avid reader, using books to leave my own reality and enter someone else’s. Self-Mutilation "Self-mutilation is one way survivors control their experience of pain. Instead of the abuser hurting you, you hurt yourself." In the end, the child developed whatever skills the child needed to survive. The child had limited skills, limited resources, and yet, the child adapted, finding ways to cope in a dangerous environment. Some of the skills the child developed were positive as well as negative. Considering the environment in which the child was in, it is a wonder the child may have learned to thrive at all, but you did! You did what you had to do to survived! Feel proud of how you survived, and honor the child you were!
	Sexual abuse stripes away both emotional and physical boundaries. We lose our right to say no, shattering our belief in ourselves and any sense of control in the world. The abuse left us feeling helpless and powerless, triggering us to undervalue ourselves, and leaving us feeling dirty and worthless. Maybe you attempted to tell someone about they abuse, but maybe the ignored you, told you that you were laying, or to forget about it. Maybe they even blamed you for the abuse, telling you that you asked for it or maybe that you even wanted it. However, they were wrong and how you were treated after you attempted to speak of the abuse further affected your self esteem and how you thought and feel about yourself. It left a lasting impression upon you! From my own experience when I spoke about the abuse; I told a teacher, who believed me! However, in a sense the system failed me and convinced me I was the one who was guilty, who was wrong to bring such problems to my family. I was not removed from the home, nor was he! We still lived as a happy family. My own mother increased my guilt and feelings that I was wrong, for she choose him over me! In my household at that time, not much changed, except my mother placed upon me that it was up to me to prevent the abuse from continuing. She did little in my eyes to assist me, and she even accused me of being the other woman. Granted, I know that it was a tough time for her, but again she left me feeling that everyone else’s needs, wants, and desires were far more important then my own. However, it had been the first step toward my healing, to discovering me, and showing me that I had to learn how to take care myself, and to gain back my own personal power that had been taken from me. The years of sexual abuse I had endured left me unable to say no, left me feeling and believing that I had no right to say no! I believed that my needs had no value or were important compared to the needs of others in the family. I grew up believing that everyone else was important and other aspects of my childhood reinforced this belief. One time in particular I can remember is when my parents spent their last few dollars on a lobster dinner for two, while my siblings (three) and I had four hot dogs to share. As a child, I always felt inadequate, worthless, and very powerless. I was quiet and withdrawn. I always had an incredible desire to become invisible, which lead me to periods of starving myself during my teen years. To this day, I do not have the greatest eating habits. I disliked any kind of attention, and in high school I always choose to make friends with those who would attract the attention to themselves and not to me. I know now, that many of these behaviors were a result of the sexual abuse I had endured. I feared that getting any kind of attention would lead to sex, but in the same sense, I craved attention. Usually when I received attention, it was sexually in nature and I never said no, believing that if I said no, it wouldn't matter anyways. Essentially, I placed no value on my needs or wants. For me it has been a long and difficult lesson for me to learn that I do have a right to say no, and that my needs are important and have a right to be meet, that I have a right to stand up for myself! It still is difficult at times to stand up for myself, but I am improving! We are all important! We all need to learn to take back the power that was stolen from us!


		Survivors of abuse often have to deal with feelings of shame. There is an important difference between shame and guilt, and that is the key to dealing with shame effectively. Webster's New Universal Unabridged Dictionary defines shame as "the painful feeling arising from the consciousness of something dishonorable, improper, ridiculous, etc., done by oneself or another." And yes, it is a painful feeling, and is very common among survivors of abuse. Guilt is an emotion and a legal concept that belongs to the perpetrator, the initiator of an act of abuse. Shame is an emotion that afflicts the victim, the recipient of an act of abuse. Obviously, the perp should feel shame as well as guilt, but often feels neither, so we'll leave that out of this discussion. We'll talk about how victims can deal with shame. Even if you have worked hard to deal with guilt, and have assigned guilt to the person who abused you, and resolved the fact that no guilt belongs to you, shame may still be making you miserable. Shame rises out of a sense of powerlessness and frustration, as well as the continual feeling of shock that something this horrible has happened to you. Both men and women deal with shame, but experts believe that in general, among abuse survivors, women tend to feel more guilt, and men tend to feel more shame. But generalizations can be dangerous, and let's just agree that both shame and guilt can make people miserable. Emotional Wound First, it helps to realize that the actual physical act of abuse is not as important as you think. The physical act, whatever it may have been, was done by the perp to give himself a feeling of power, and to give you a feeling of powerlessness. The act was carefully chosen by the perp, thinking like a torturer, to give you the most emotional pain. So when dealing with shame, don't think in terms of healing your physical wounds. You must think of it in emotional terms, and analyze what your emotional wounds are.

				Many survivors of sexual abuse have flashbacks. These flashbacks are a reliving of the original abuse. This can happen visually in images one remembers of the abuse, or they can happen without any visual image. The abuse can be reexperienced with sounds, smells, feelings, or other such bodily memories. Flashbacks can either be very real or detached, like watching from Either way, flashbacks are usually a frightening experience for the survivor. Some ideas for helping a survivor through a flashback: 1. Name it. Not everyone realizes what they're suffering is a flashback. 2. Tell the survivor that you know it feels real to them but that it actually isn't happening again. 3. If someone is in the middle of a flashback, help them to ground themselves. Encourage them to take slow, gentle breaths. Tell them they are remembering. Tell them that if they would like they can remember what they need to know without reexperiencing the physical pain. You may have them slowly, calmly look around the room to establish where they are (in their home, your office, etc.). You might want them to describe out loud where they are and the fact that the abuser is not present. 4. If someone is worried about future flashbacks and worried that they may not be able to sort out reality, help them prepare ahead of time. Help them select an item which can be a cue for their adult self. It should be something they did not own or could not have had when they were a child. Some suggestions would be car keys, a watch, a certain ring. or something else of special significance. This item is to become their symbol for their current reality. When they have another flashback, this item can be their touchstone. It reminds them to breathe slowly and deeply, ground themselves in the present, and remember that the abuse is not happening now. With this in mind, the flashback is just a memory and the survivor may have an easier time riding it out. 5. Inform them of the importance of flashbacks. They are an opportunity for an individual to learn and understand more about their particular abuse. They are often seen as an indication that the person is ready to remember; that the body has important information to share. Many people are extremely frustrated by lack of memory, flashbacks can validate a survivor's experience.