Ending the Silence

* MESSAGE BOARD
* HOME
* DONATIONS
* HOTLINES
* DEFINING ABUSE
* GROWING UP
* SEXUAL ABUSE
* DEPRESSION
* THE HEALING JOURNEY
* Page 2
* CHANGING PATTERNS
* GETTING SUPPORT
* LINKS
* ARTICLES (PIECES WRITTEN BY ME)
* FUN SITES
* MY POETRY
* GODS & GODDESSES OF MYTHOLOGY
* CREATURES OF MYTHOLOGY & FANTASY
* GEM MAGICK
* HERBS
* WICCA
* FAIRIES
* SUPERSTITIONS
* ART WITH WORDS
* DISCOVERING DRAGONS
* ANCIENT BELIEFS

The abuse was never our fault! We never asked for it, wanted it, or needed it. It was done to us!

If you have visited this site before then you know that its appearance has changed yet again. I love to hear what you about the changes to the site, if you like them, or prefer the older look, and if you are new, well then you have little to compair this new look with, but in neither case, I hope you enjoy the site and thank you for stopping bye.

Been battered and bruised,
Been lost in the darkness,
Drowning in the sea of sorrow,
But here I am still standing,
Still seeking and striving
To stand tall.

Click on any of the areas listed below to visit those pages. Thank you.

Isn't it time to discover who you are, and define yourself in new terms?

The choice to heal is a commitment to yourself, a life- affirming decision, a decision to make yourself a priority, that you are worthy of something better!

Essence of Forgiveness

Honoring the Child you were

Past Becomes Present

Common Patterns in Adult Survivors

Upon an unfair twist of fate, one which you couldn't control or influence, you were betrayed, wounded, battered, bruised, and tormented as a child. You never asked for what happened, didn't want it, or need it, but it happened! The events of the past can't be changed, forgotten,  or denied!

The past may haunt you, shadowing your dreams, and influencing every aspect of your life. You may minimize or rationalize what you are thinking, feeling, or going through. Maybe you don't trust yourself, disbelieving what you feel and know deep inside. You probably blame yourself, feeling that you were responisble for what had happened as if things would have been different if you had been different, but it doesn't matter! No matter you feel you should have done or could have done, it doesn't change the fact that YOU ARE TO BE BLAME! The abuse was done to you and your abusiver had a choose! YOU HAD NO CHOOSE!

Essentially, there was nothing you could do as a child. You were innocence! No matter what you were told by your abusiver -- the abuse was never your fault! YOU DID NOTHING TO TRIGGER THE ABUSE!

As an adult, you do have choices. You can choice to heal, to embrace your inner child, to embark upon your own journey of healing. It wouldn't happen over night and just may be a life long journey, but the past doesn't have to torment you forever. You can embark upon a journey of self discovery, discovering who you are, who you want to be, and changing what you do not like about yourself. It isn't easy!

You survived the worse, and do not let the abuse you survive define who you are, but let you define who you are!

What does forgiveness mean to you? Could you forgive someone who deeply wounded or betrayed you? Can you forgive yourself for horrendous or small mistakes? Does forgiveness entail forgetting? Is forgiveness an important part of any relationship? The answers are deeply personal and may different for each person and for each situation, but the bottom line is that forgiveness is beneficial to our health and our sense of well being.

Forgiveness is an essential part of our lives from childhood to adulthood. Yet, how many of us carry grudges and hold onto anger? I believe too many of us in today�s society; thus it is an essential ingredient missing from our lives. Forgiveness does not come easily and is largely  missed understood. For example, a mother who has forgiven the murder for killing her child is frowned upon and misunderstood. In the end, she has not forgotten the act the murder did to herself or her child, but allowed herself to be free of the resentment and the anger. She has allowed herself to bring closure and to move forward with her life.

Forgiveness is not simply saying �I have forgiven� but a process of healing and coming to terms with what has happened. A slow process of dealing with the anger and the hurt feelings, accepting that it can not be changed and moving forward. Yet, it is not for the offender but for the one who is forgiving.

Forgiveness is the ability to accept responsibility for one�s mistakes, moving pass them, and to let go of the anger and resentment. The same for those who have wronged or betrayed us, it is our ability to let go of our own personal anger and resentment. Granted there are situations that make this a very difficult process, but in time forgiveness needs to occur or one carries the emotional baggage with them. Yet, forgiveness does not mean the act is forgotten.

For myself forgiveness has been an issue close to my heart. I was emotionally and sexually abuse as a child by my parents. For a long time I felt anger toward my parents and myself. The anger toward myself was simply the fact that I allowed them to hurt me, too emotionally and sexually abuse me. I know that I was an innocence child, yet I felt that it was my fault. I felt that I must have done something to cause this and even though countless people had told me it wasn�t my fault, it was up to me to actually believe it and accept it. I have finally reached the point where I have forgiven the child I was, knowing that as a child I did the best I could with the tools and skills I had. Through no fault of my own, I had to play the role of an adult even though I was a child. I know now that as a child I was unequipped to have the responsibility placed upon my shoulders. As a child I was unable to supply a parent�s love and guidance to my siblings, thus I had nothing to do with the problems that came forth because of the lack of parental love and support. I understand the skills that I  developed as a child as the survival tools I needed to survive, but I can now make changes.

By forgiving the child I was and forgiving my parents I have allowed myself to become free of the emotional baggage I have carried inside of me. I did not do this over night and nothing with value ever happens over night, but it has been a slow painful progress. A progress I believe each person can do with patience and hard work. Each of has the ability to forgive without forgetting and to place the anger and the resentment to rest.

A quote by Martin Luther Kin jr. that sums up forgiveness is; �Forgiveness does not mean ignoring what has been done or putting a false label on an evil act. It means, rather, that the evil act no longer remains as a barrier to the relationship.� Yet, what does that statement imply? For me, the statement means that I have forgiven the evil done to me, never to forget nor removing the blame, but removing my anger and resentment of it. I can not change the childhood I had, but I can change how I feel and how I currently handle the relationships I have now and in the future.

Another quote I find equally powerful from Paul Boese is; �Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.� For me personally, I have accepted what I can not change, opening the doors for happiness and joy in my life. If I were to hang onto the anger and the resentment, would it not shadow other areas of my life? I feel that it would, it would limit me as a person, wife, friend, and mother. The ability to forgive enriches my life and hanging onto anger or resentment subtracts from the potential value of my life.

Forgiveness is defined as recognizing you have been wronged, giving up all resulting resentment and eventually responding to the offending person with compassion and even love. Yet, how can one forgive those who are not asking forgiveness? Easily, for forgiveness is for the person who is doing the forgiving and not the offending party. My parents are not asking for forgiveness and for the most part they do not acknowledge that they have done anything wrong, and yet, I know they have. I no longer desire to have the burden for which I have carried all of these years. Thus, my ability to forgiven them is my own personal choice and one that they may never know I have done. One does not have to tell the  offending party in order to forgive them, since it is strictly a personal decision.

The ability to forgive is not taught and many in today�s society hold onto
grudges, keeping the offences active and allowing it to become an open festering wound. Those who are able to overcome injustices by forgiving others tend to feel better about themselves and are better able to handle inevitable disappointments and problems that occur in life. Also, forgiveness does not mean putting oneself back into an abusive relationship or forgetting what has occurred. Simply, the key to forgiveness is the progress of letting go of anger and negative feelings. Isn�t it time to let forgiveness into our lives?

One of my earliest memories is one in which I was around three years and I was sitting on the cold wood floor playing with wooden blocks. I was sitting off to the side, hidding in a corner of the living room. I can remember the sound of the television, some western sitcom or movie was playing. I remember the pain I felt, another ear infection I had. (I was a very ill little youngster, suffering from numereous ear infections and other infections which had been triggered by an allergy to my mother's breast milk and all beef dairy.) But I didn't cry out, or attract attention to myself, instead I closed my eyes and drifted off to sleep. My deceased grandmother had said that when I had done that, it had frightened her and yet I always did that when my bodily pain became unbearable. (To this day I have a high tolerance to physical pain.) She said that I never complained, cried, or whined, and didn't understand why I reacted the way I had. Only now, I do understand.

I was a silent child, yearning to be invisible for I had learned at a very young age that to attract attention to myself lead to pain. I also believed that I was unwanted, unloved, and unworthy of the attention I received. I felt that I needed to be punished for the sorrow and the trouble I was causing my mother for being ill. I had believed I was the cause for my mother's depression. I had felt that it had been me, who had drove my birth father away, and thus causing my mother's heart and will to break. I know now, that none of this was my fault or my doing, but as a child I didn't, and always felt responsible for my mother as if I had some great punishment to bare in order to make up my failings to her. Essentially, I had done nothing, and had nothing to make up for, but in my family problems were not talked about, feelings were not acknowledged or encouraged. If one was asked if something was wrong the answer was always the same, "Everything is fine", only nothing was fine, nothing at all.

As a child I didn't understand the world I was in, and couldn't accept the fact that my parents were not prefect, that they couldn't be there for me as a child. They were wounded and battered themselves. Thus, as a child I had grasped hold of the idea that it had to be me. I had to be the one with the problem, and the cause for all the tension, pain, and sorrow. I learned to adapt and survive in the world for which I had entered in the best way that I could as a child. Just as all of us did who were abused.

Each of us, learned to adapt and to survive in the environment for which we lived in. Some of the skills we learned assist us today, just as some skills hamper us, leaving it up to us to weed through those that are self-defeating from those that are useful. A task that is easier said then actually done, but an important one neverless. Yet, without the child learning how to adapt and survie we wouldn't be here today. Thus, I beleive we all need to honor the child we were, to honor the child's ability to learn, to adapt, and to use the skills had to survive. The child did the best the child could with what the child had.

Pause for a moment, think about the positive skills you might of learned as a child in a abusive envirnoment. Imagine some of the skills you learned as a child, and how they positively effect your life today.

For an example:
* I am resourceful, and good at finding solutions to problems
* I can handle high levels of stress
* I deal well with chaos and chaotic situations
* I can handle fast paced envirnoments, and even thrive in them
* I am organized, detailed oreinted, and find myself striving for perfection

As a child, you learned how to cope. "You may have run away from home or turned to alcohol or drugs. You may have become a super acheiver. You may have forgotten what happened at home withdrawning into yourself, or cutting off you feelings." But the bottom line is that as a child you did what you had to do to survive, and many survivors criticize themselves for the way they coped, and yet there is nothing to be ashamed of. You survived, and it's important to honor your resourcefulness.

As I have said, some of the ways you coped became positives or strengths such as being successful at your work, becoming self-sufficient, developing a sense humor, being good in a crisis to name a few. Yet, others become self-defeating or negatives in our lives, such as stealing, drinking, drug abuse, compulsive eating or not eating. Healing requires that you learn to tell the difference between your strengths and those behaviors which you need to change, keeping in mind, that the child you were, did the best the child could. The abuse wasn't the child's fault, and child did whatever the child could to survive.

A step in the healing journey is to be able to idenify the ways in which you have coped, and discover which behaviors need to be changed. The basic ways in which a child can cope is: minimizing, rationalizing, denying, forgetting, splitting, control, chaos, spacing out, being super alert, humor, busyness, and self-muliation.

Minimizing

Minimizing means "pretending that whatever happened wasn't really that bad." You find ways of downplaying the actions of the adults. "Kids growing up surrounded by abuse often believe that everyone else grows up the same way."

I know that I did. I actually believed that there had to be something wrong with me, and that was why I didn't feel comfortable with the sexual abuse my stepfather was doing. I honestly thought that it was just how everything was supposed to be, that he had a responsibilty to teach me about sex, and how to please a man. I know now, that wasn't true, but I didn't then.

Rationalizing

Rationalizing "is the means by which children explain away abuse." We invent reasons as to why the abuse is happening, and keep the focus on the abuser as we attempted to explain their actions. A feat that I have done myself, explaining that the emotional abuse my mother gave to me was because I caused the love of her life to leave her alone with a small ill child. I explained the sexual abuse I received from my stepfather as the simple fact that he was my teacher, and that he was an alcoholic who didn't know any better, that somehow he had become confused, and thought that I was his wife, or at least performing some of her roles. As well as for a while I spent time, trying figure out why they could treat me the way they had, explaining that he had been physically abused by his fahter, and that my mother has been verbally abused by her own mother and older sister. Yet, in the end, all I was doing was focusing on them, instead of myself.

Denying

Denying "is turning your head the other way and pretending that whatever happened isn't, or what has happened didn't." It is almost universal where incest is concerned. Denial is a way of avoid telling anyone about the abuse. It is easy for a child to deny the abuse then to face the fact that the abuse is happening. For a long time, I did this, until I wake up one day and found myself looking at suicide or survival. I had been fifteen years old, and no longer able to handle the abuse that was occurring. I was frightened of getting pragnant, and yet, how could I tell anyone that it could happen? How could I tell anyone that I was having sex with my stepfather? I had become really depressed, wanting to die, to be invisible, become anxerioa, and found myself striving toward very dangerous behaviors. I was looking for death, being unable to actually commit suicide, and yet, sometime deep inside of me told that my life could be different. It was a painful choose, but I had to stop denying that the abuse was occurring, and had to expose the secret, no matter what pain it caused my family, for I knew that I had a right to have a chance at having a life. It wasn't easy for me, for I had feared being completely rejected my family, especially my mother, who I wanted to protect, but once in my life I had acted totally selfishly and faced the truth, forcing them to face it too.

Forgetting

Forgetting is one of the most common and effective ways children deal with sexual abuse. "The human mind has tremendous powers of repression." Many children are able to forget about the abuse, even as the abuse is happening to them. The capacity to forget explains why so many adult survivors are unaware of the fact that they were abused.

Splitting

"Clinically, splitting refers to the tendecy to view people or events as either all good or all bad. It is a way of coping that allows a person to hold opposite, unintegrated views. For example, the child who separates the father whom she depends on for love and protection from the father who abuses her." This allows you to preserve an image of the "good" father, but at a great cost. You are left identifying yourself as "bad" in order to make sense of the abuse.

Splitting can also mean the way a sexual survivor describes the way in which one leaves one's body as the abuse is occurring. This is something I did everytime I was sexually abused, for as the abuse was occurring it always seemed as if it was movie, or was happening to someone else who just looked like me, but was me at all.

Control

Many survivors have a problem with control. One either needs complete control or has a lack of control, but commonly since one grew up in a chaotic envirnoment that one attempts to control or have order in one's life. For me, the one thing that will always trigger a panic attack is the fear that I have no control. Yet, the ability to have control is both a positive and a negative.

Chaos

Surpisingly enough some survivors learned to have control by creating chaos. "If your behavior is out of control, you force the people around you to drop what they are doing to respond to your latest problems." You learn that you can get attention by creating a crisis, and yet it is negative attention that you are receiving. Most survivors and children of alcoholic parents, are good at both resolving and generating crises. I am no different, and sometimes feel that I thrive in chaotic envirnoments best. (Currently, hold a job that is fast paced, and very chaotic at times.)

Spacing Out

All survivors may have the uncanny ability to space out, to not be present. The main problem with this kind of distancing is that you can cut yourself off, not only from the pain, but from the richness of life and human feelings. For myself, I had cut off my emotions, feeling nothing, and not knowing how to react to any situation with any kind of real emotions. At the beginning stages of my healing as I was just beginning to feel, I would mirror the emotions of those around me, since I didn't know what feelings were and always tried to react in ways that were expected of me, but never truly feeling them. This is still something that plagues me from time to time, especially in regards to anger, an emotion that I fear since it seems so uncontrollable. Feelings are an important part of life, for they can act as warnings, as triggers to whatever situation that is occurring in our life.

Being Super Alert

As a child, tuning into every nuance of your envirnoment may have saved you from being abused. You may have always known where you were in a room, who was around you, knowing where the entrance and exits were, knowing what mood the people around you were in. This can be asset, but the constant alertness can be taxing, and everyone needs to relax sometime.

For myself as a child, I was good at this, knowing what those around me might want even before they asked or moved for it. A number of those in family believed I was always being helpful, and yet, in reality I was trying to head off any problems that may be occurring before they had a chance to happen. It left me with having a hard time relaxing, of knowing even how to relax.

Humor

A tough sense of humor, a bitter wit or a sense of cynisim can get you through the hard times. You may have used laughter as a protected shield, knowing that as long as you can laugh then nothing is truly bothering you. When in reality, the opposite was probably the truth.

Busyness

A behavior I still possess very much today, for when I am under emotional stress, I am always doing something, keeping myself busy, instead of feeling. Survivors use busyness to avoid feelings and to avoid being present.

Escape

Another way to cope with the abuse is to escape. You may have tried to run away either literally, or by reading books. You may have escaped reality by entering into a fantasy, either creating one or consuming a lot of books. For myself I was very much a avid reader, using books to leave my own reality and enter someone elses.

Self-Mutilation

"Self-mulilation is one way survivors control their ecperience of pain. Instead of the abuser hurting you, you hurt yourself."

In the end, the child developed whatever skills the child needed to survive. The child had limited skills, limited resources, and yet, the child adapted, finding ways to cope in a dangerous envirnoment. Some of the skills the child developed were positive as well as negative. Considering the environment in which the child was in, it is a wonder the child may have learned to thrive at all, but you did! You did what you had to do to survived! Feel proud of how you survived, and honor the child you were!

No matter what abuse you have suffered, it is the emotional abuse that is at the core of the problems you may currently be facing. You may have difficulty with the ability to trust, low self-esteem, depression, relationship problems, eating disorders, and alcohol or drug addictions. The emotional abandonment, the lack of consistent nurturing, protection and guidance left you in a state of internal deprivation, with feelings of isolation and emptiness. You may have been striving to fill that emptiness with alcohol or drugs, food, or material goods to name a few.

As a child you may have had dreams of what it would be like when you became an adult, but shortly after, found yourself disillusioned, disenchanted with your adult life. Nothing seemed to be going like you thought, either with your job or personal relationships. You found yourself feeling lonely and depressed. You might of starting asking yourself questions, like "why do I feel like this?" "Why don't my relationships work?" for a few explains. You might have found yourself becoming more and more like your parents, and hating what you were becoming but didn't know how to stop it.

To find the answers to why your life wasn't working, you have to first look at your childhood, to see how you adapted to your abusive family in order to survive.

Try to remember a specific episode of abuse in your childhood. How did you feel? Did you notice any adaptations you made in yourself to deal with the abuse? How did you change over time deal with your family? Did you notice any changes in your personality, or heard of other family members comments? Can you remember anything that shaped who you are? If not, have you changed any behaviors that had existed most of your life for better?

There is no locking the doors,
                     The doors to the heart and soul,
                        For every opened door,
                          Comes a new dawn.

Common patterns that appear consistently in adult survivors of child abuse are problems with control, avoiding feelings, guilt from over-responsibility, crisis addiction, guessing at normality, and absolute thinking.

Control

The first issue, control is best understood if you remember the instability and unpredictability, the chaos and uncertainty that reigned in your home. As a child, you didn�t know when the next explosion or episode would occur. You learned to �hang back� , to be watchful and cautious, to deny, suppress, and repress your feelings and thoughts, and to control your outward behavior. You felt that you had to be in control in order to have some predictability in an unpredictable world.

A quote by Charles Whitfield written in �Healing the child within� is �Ultimately, we cannot control life, so the more that we try to control it, the more out of control we feel because we are focusing so much attention on it. Frequently the person who feels out of control is obessed with the need to be in control.�

Since survivors grow up in a chaotic environment often times we go to great lengths to have order in our lives. Control can be a positive or a negative influence in our lives. The positives are that one may be good at organization, planning, and orderly, but the down side is that one may lack the ability to be flexible, difficulty in negotiating or compromising.

For myself, I never truly thought of myself as having a problem with the need to be in control since I find making decisions difficult but as an adult I found myself in situations that I couldn�t control or have an influence over. In these situations I found myself upset, nervous, and uncomfortable. In most cases, my initial reaction was to act like a spoil child or flee the situation when things were not following a set pattern or plan. Thus, I found myself looking backwards, wondering why I was so inflexible and wondering how much of my life was influenced with the need to being in control. I have never been one whose able to make on the spot decision or to go with the flow. For me, going with the flow always brought forth an element of chaos, unpredictability, and the unknown.

My need or desire to control stems from my fear of the unknown, the terror I have toward chaos. As a child, chaos and the unknown reigned supreme in my life with an alcoholic stepfather and a manic depressive mother. Even though now as an adult I acknowledge that I have this problem at times I find myself struggling since I have three children and a husband who love spontaneous activities, whereas for me it leaves me unsettled and unprepared for the event. I try my best everyday to accept the world around me, but sometimes it does get the best of me, and I find myself needing space. I need time to get my bearings and stability before I can jump into the event or the situation. At times this annoys both my husband and my children, but for me, it is just the way I am, and I can not be more than I am, thus we attempted to have a brief plan of the activities, but no one can truly predict what will be or what will happen for in general life can be chaotic.

Avoiding Feelings

As a child growing up in an abusive home you learned to deny what you were feeling. You learned to distrust what you felt and to ignore whatever your senses tell you. If you cried when you were beaten, then you got beaten some more for crying, or if you expressed your anger, you may have been punished for doing so. Thus, you concluded that feelings were an experience to be feared, so you learned to keep a lid on them. You taught yourself to be emotionally unaffected and not to express them. Another reason you may avoid feelings as an adult is that you associate feelings with actions. If you saw your mother being anger and she slapped you or if you saw your dad sexually aroused and he abused you, then you learned to assume feelings with actions. You didn�t learn that feelings could be something to warn you of action or that they didn�t have to be acted upon. Many times as a child you were not allowed to have feelings for if you felt scared, you couldn�t seek comfort because previous efforts had led to rejection. Thus, you learned to obey the unspoken rule that feelings were not to be express or talked about.

In addition to the above reasons, the intensity of the feelings you did have- terror, rage, helplessness, and sadness -was so powerful that it would have been overwhelming to fully experience them. There is just so much that a human being, especially a child, can feel before the person �shuts-down�. Now, as an adult, you have shut down so much and learned to avoid your feelings so well that it�s hard for you to feel anything intensely.

Guilt from over-responsibility

You may feel guilt that stems from feeling overly responsible for your parents actions and for the abuse your siblings received. Typically, children are self-centered and usually think that the events around them are the direct result of their behavior. If you were abused in spite of good behavior, then you assumed that the mistreatment must have been because of something you thought or did. You may have tried to be the prefect child, but it never worked. Your parents might of even told you that it was your fault. Thus, you learned that you had responsibility for what the other person felt or did, and when someone was upset you blames yourself, feeling that there must be something you could do to try it.

For myself, I am still struggling with the responsibility I feel toward my mother. I have always felt that I was responsible for how she felt and whatever actions she took or didn�t take as if I had some control over her. Logically I know that I don�t have this, but emotional I am tied to her much to closely and have in recent months withdrawn from her for my own well being. I am attempting to remove the responsibility I feel toward her knowing that it is misplaced and misguide, a result of the messages and abuse she handed out to me. For a long time I also felt responsible for the sexual abuse I suffered as if in some way I asked for it. I know and feel differently now, but in the beginning stages of my healing I felt this very strongly.

Crisis Addiction

Crisis addiction is an extension of your childhood. You became used to inconsistency, surprises, and terror that when things in your adult life are
calm and stable, you literally don't know what to do with yourself. Chaos is what you have become accustomed too, so to be throughout it, you may feel lost, uncomfortable, and keep searching for the crisis. Thus, if you find your life is calm and peaceful, but you are feeling uneasy, anxious or depressed you may be addicted to crisis, because without a crisis there is nothing for you to manage or deal with. In another instance it may be the person you choose to date or be with, they may create the crisis with you cleaning up and dealing with it.

For a long time when I felt life was too calm or peaceful I would find myself searching for the next conflict, and when I couldn't find
a conflict, I knew that I had to look no further then my own mother. Thus, if life began too calm, I reach out to my mother knowing that within a short time chaos would occur. It hasn't been easy, but I have backed away from doing this and instead finding healthy ways to spark excitement.

Guessing at Normality

What is normality? You have not reference point, since your home environment was one of extremes. If you compared your home to others you found yourself confused because others didn�t seem as chaotic, unpredictable as yours. Since you couldn�t talk about the differences, ask questions, or share your feelings you may have found yourself wondering how to act, what to think, and feel.

For myself, I can remember as a child watching a family sitcom, wondering why my family was so different. Wondering why we didn�t seem to solve problems, talk about things, or have the fun that the families on television seemed to have. Yet, I never really seemed able to express what was so wrong with my family.

Absolute Thinking

Absolute thinking is the belief or the thought that everything is in black and white, all or nothing. You think in a matter that all things are right or all wrong, there is no middle ground. You either trust completely or not at all. Children generally see things not in relative terms but in absolute terms, because of your need to maintain control at all times you may not be able to see things in between. This plays a greater role when it comes to success. For with success you are either successful or a failure, and little middle ground exist. Due to this absolute thinking you may have little self esteem, judging yourself harshly when something doesn�t come out the way you imagined or planned it to be.

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