May 02, 2004 Sunday 17:32 PM

I just had a nap. Woke up at about 17:28, two minutes before the alarm. Dad & Mom have gone to a music performance at church. Oh yeh, Aunt 5 & Uncle 5 also went; I bought their tickets. $10 each. I think that was a senior's discount. You might notice that I sometimes use an ampersand and sometimes the word "and". I always use the ampersand whenever I want to insist on the unity of the two things or persons between which the ampersand is placed. So it is for Aunt & Uncle 5. So it is for Dad & Mom. I often say "Mom & Dad" instead of the other way around but I just wanted to put Dad in the front too. Both of them have an equal place in my heart.

I had a dream and I woke up. I wonder if I was actually able to call out at that moment. I certainly tried anyway. But they left already and there's only me in the house. Basically I was in two places - one outdoor and one indoor. The outdoor one looked similar to what the playground of Mountain View elementary school used to look like. But then I could be wrong; I'm not 100% sure. The angle of view was basically standing by the Cottonwood Street side near the corner (where Robinson Avenue is)... near where the old tree stump used to be (it's probably not there anymore, Gordon Doherty and someone else maybe Jamie Swan and me used to poke branches into the holes to pick at the ants). And I was looking towards the corkscrew slide. I think it's still there and still the same one even though it's no longer the same color. Now.. I could've remembered wrong but the ground is not all even around that area. I remember there used to be some slender trees there when I was a kid but I don't remember if there was a strip of the ground closest to the Robinson fence that kind of dips down. And the part that dips down was lined with wood. If such a dip actually existed, it's probably only like maybe a little over a feet deep at its deepest. In my dream, it was deeper by about maybe another feet. Anyway, that was the outside view. And it wasn't the first time I saw that in my dreams. In the dream I just had, a child was playing on the slide. The ladder was close to the edge of the dip and somehow the little boy managed to fall down that dip. I'm not sure if he was white or oriental or maybe both. As a white mid-40's woman told me, the boy should've cried when he fell but apparently he did not. Nobody heard him so nobody knew that he had fallen down. The parents' bench was facing out to the field so the back was facing that strip of dip. And it was enough distance away such that you couldn't see if a little child was lying behind that dip. Actually, in my dream it was more than just a dip...it was actually a small slope (maybe about 6 ft) and then a dip. So you had to walk right up to the slope and look down. I think that was how the place looked like in my dream. Anyway, there were emergency vehicles screaming from Cottonwood east and hanging a right onto Robinson. Paramedics were quick to get the boy up the slope with the stretcher. I was still standing from the same distance, maybe a few steps forward from where the anthill was. Come to think of it, the ambulance was parked on Robinson and yet they are bringing the boy up onto the level higher ground.. increasing the distance away from the ambulance. Why didn't they just drive right in onto the field.. it's not grass or anything.

So that was the outside part. Now.. the indoor part was kind of interesting. Basically it was a room with a very high ceiling. There may have been some wall-mounted lights but they were not on at the time and the only light in the room was the natural light coming in around from a vertical sky window way up there. I'm not sure if I've seen this room before in my dreams.. maybe I saw it last night. I mean, after all, I was watching Hellboy yesterday and in one of the scenes there was a giant swinging thing which I guess was part of the massive gears turning inside that place whatever it is. But then I think I may have seen this room even earlier.. like a number of months ago even. There were a number of very long gold-colored bars hanging from the ceiling and whole thing looked kind of like giant windchimes.. except that there were mechanics and gears at the top that control movement for each of the bars. Each bar also has its own little functional design.. they were not simply long round bars. For example, one of them has a tip that kind of looks like one of those mountainclimbing tools.. sort of like the part of a hammer that you use to rip out nails with. Another bar I believe does have a tip shaped like a hammer. And another one which is just long and round and does not swing.. it simple goes up and down. There were a bunch of other bars all differently shaped. All of them hang from way up there down to a very low height of maybe only a couple inches above the floor for some of them. Besides the bars, there were also a bed and I believe a sock drawer with a lamp set on top of it. There are now actually two sock drawers in my room, one of them with a lamp on top and it came from Aunt 5's room downstairs. Last week on April 27 I think, a goverment inspector came by to check and see if we were renting out to people cuz we were living in a "duplex zone". Stupid goverment charges us first and we had to be the ones to ask questions later. Now we have to wait for our refund and there's probably no interest on it either. Losers.

Anyway, the room basically looks like this with the bars taking up the bulk of the space...

+-----------------------------------------+
|                                         |
|                                         |
|                                         |
|                                         |
|                                         |
|                                         |
|                                         |
|                                         |
|                                    +----|
|                                    |____|
|                                    |    |
|                             bed”÷  |    |
|                                    |    |
|                                    |    |
|                                    +----|
|  door                               +---|
|   ”ś                sock drawer”÷   | ”³|
+-    ------------------------------------+
You might be able to imagine that given all the above description, it is actually quite difficult for me to get to my bed from the door and for me to get to the door from my bed. Every time I have to dodge those potentially killer bars. The controlling mechanisms were designed so that the bars can never touch each other. Yet if you get caught with one of the bars and don't escape quickly enough, you could get squashed or smashed or whatever by another bar swinging by.

Somehow from all of this, my mom popped into mind. For the past while I always seem to think that my dad will go first. Despite all his carefulness and pickiness and exercise, he would actually be the one to go first. My mom has a very strong will from her heart. My dad's will seems to be of a stubborn type. Can it not be possible that both of them go together at the same time? A number of years after my dad goes, my mom will eventually go. During that time, I have to take care of her. After she leaves, I will be all alone. I will miss them so very much. When I saw the pictures they sent me when I was still in HK, a second's flash flowed right through my whole person and I knew that we were meant to be together. I saw them seeing me grow up into a man. I saw the three of us being happy together and being unhappy together. We were a simple family and we led a simple life together. We didn't ask for much, only that things be as smooth as possible. They would work until retirement and then just enjoy life afterwards. I would be grown up and working. In that dream I had, now a little over two hours ago, my dad had already gone and my mom is going as well. I called for her. She had such a strong will in her heart that she actually made a comeback when she heard me call. I cried out, "Mom, don't leave me!". But there's only so many times this can happen. Eventually, I will have to come to the realization that I have to let go. She would simply slip away. She would not suffer much.. it's just that her time is up. I will miss Dad and her. I will eventually be on my own. They will not always be there when I want them.

That is how I woke up...I called for her, and she never responded back. I tried calling out a few more times and eventually woke up.


May 02, 2004, Sunday, 19:47 PM

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