I am afraid to die. I am afraid that I will one day lose my eyesight; I don't want to be blind. Yet it is at the computer that I can speak my mind and write things down like this. I sometimes think about writing my thoughts down and somebody will read it perhaps after I go, whenever that might be. Maybe I will be understood. For there are so many things that I want to share about myself but, ironically, I also don't wish to be speaking it to somebody in person because it will probably make me feel really stupid. Today is Christmas Day and I should feel happy that the Lord has come down to share in our humanity. I probably do feel the joy somewhere inside me but I also feel some kind of despair especially when I think back to the past. I have wasted so much time and have made so many mistakes. This year has been such a turmoil for me. I know many others are going through worst situations than myself but I still feel despair all the same. *sigh*... I'm just hoping that things will be better next year. That I can as soon as possible successfully complete my studies and get a better job after January. I hear there's an opportunity from ScotiaBank but I very much prefer that I can get the same kind of job in the same company at that time. I want to settle down and focus; I don't want to be changing companies twice a year all the time. Right now I am also working on a page that I called "ascii_big5.html". It lists most if not all special characters that maybe (I don't know the term) are ascii-compatible. I make different combinations and add an extra line of code to the page to make it produce big5 chinese characters. I did this because I couldn't get my TwinBridge and NJStar to work properly and yet I wanted to be able to type out chinese. Who knows, maybe somebody else might find it useful as well. It could well be that webpages which are rare but contain useful stuff may get many visits. At least my MP3 page, although somewhat misleading, got an average of about 60 hits everyday for the past year. And, since I last checked a few days ago, my Canon page has been getting probably an average of 100 hits every day for the past couple weeks. Previously it usually only gets like maybe two or so hits a day. But when I make that character page, I find that I have to now turn away every now and then and move my eyeballs around. I don't even have a screen either; perhaps I should get one after all now. I am so not ready for my life to end... there's just too much of the world that I want to see and learn about! I'm just hoping that God will let me live until I'm 80-something years old. Not 54, not 35. And NOT blind either!! Everybody else seems to do so well! I feel I can't do anything right now without a decent job! To make things worst, time doesn't slow down. As it goes by, it is harder for me to get a better job because I get older. It looks really bad when a 25-year old university graduate has only been doing crappy jobs. Even high school grads find work as a teller - what kind of world is this??