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| Miracles |
| Music: Miracles by Kenny G |
| .Miracles do happen..This is the story of my three. After I lost my first two children I found myself dealing not only with feelings of loss, but also feelings of terrible guilt that my body had let my babies die, and the fear that I would never have the chance to have any others. I went back to my ob/gyn for a post d and c checkup, and was upset when he told me I should just go home and try again, that they overbook pregnancy patients because miscarriage is so common, etc. It didn't seem right to me not to investigate why this was happening to me. After all, it was so easy for him to say 'try again' but this was my life. Unfortunately, the industry standard of the insurance companies is that they won't pay for any testing until there are three unexplained pregnancy losses. Whoever made that rule never had one pregnancy loss I am sure. If they had, they would know that requiring you to lose three of your children before doing anything about it is intolerable and cruel. I looked around until I found a doctor who agreed to run some tests on my reproductive system. After rounds of blood tests and an HSG, I was faced with a diagnosis of uterine septum. A uterine septum is a piece of cartilage that actually seperates the uterus into two chambers and doesn't allow the baby to grow or get nutrition. This can be corrected surgically most of the time, and in my case, it was.This surgery changed my chances of ever carrying a child full term from almost zero to 95% (Not all uterine septums carry such bleak statisics..My septum was particularly large and took up most of my uterus) I left the surgery confident and happy that I would finally be able to have children, only to find I couldn't conceive for a full year. It seemed like one more strike against me, and I was miserable. The day after a friend convinced me to make an appointment with a fertility specialist, I found out I was pregnant at last. I had to see the doctor who had performed my surgery each week for an ultrasound, as I was considered 'high risk". And because my only experience with pregnancy up to that point was..you get pregnant, you lose the baby, you die inside and then you try again, I was really scared. I had found out my babies had died through ultrasound, without having had any excessive bleeding and so I was terrified each and every time I had to go. I would sit up there on the table waiting to be examined by ultrasound, and I would shake and cry until they told me there was a heartbeat. I made everyone so nervous! And the one time I did bleed between appointments, I gave up hope of ever having a child. It happened on Memorial day and the route to my doctor's office was cut off by a parade. It was agonizing trying to get to the office, but when I got to there, they found everything was normal. I couldn't have been more stunned. I was sure he would already be gone. I spent the entire pregnancy waiting for my baby to die. The doctor asked me once when I would believe that I would take this baby home, and I told him not until you hand him to me. And on January 24, 1997, they did hand me my miracle. A beautiful nearly 9 pound boy. I have always had a fierceness about the love I feel for him. I know everyone loves their children that way..but to me, he is still, after all these years, the baby I got to keep. And I am thankful every day that I insisted on testing and finding out what was wrong before trying again, or I would have lost him too. Today he is ten years old. I am so proud of him in so many ways. After the loss of Jake In December of 1997, I was blessed with another miracle..Another baby boy, nearly 8 pounds, who was born just as the sun rose in the sky on the morning of December 1 1998. He is now 8 years old and the joy of my life. After two more miscarriages, I was blessed again with my one daughter on earth, Melanie . I told God that if he ever gave me a daughter to hold, I'd name her in honor of Him..and so her middle name is Grace. At last I am complete. People tell me how it was all worth it...How lucky I am to have these three, and I know that I am. But the fact remains; I wanted ALL of my children! I think of each one of my children every day of my life.. You are listening to Miracles by Kenny G. I lost Kristin right before Christmas and I wanted some sort of Christmas music to listen to that would be reflective of my mood, and I found Kenny G's Christmas album, "Miracles" This is the title song, and it was dedicated to all the "miracles" born that year. At first it broke my heart to hear it, knowing my miracle had died. Over time it became a song of hope for me, I played it through all my pregnancies. I can still play it today and remember all the hope and fear that goes along with being pregnant, for me.. It's a vulnerability like no other, and well worth the risk. "As long as I'm living, my baby you'll be." Dedicated to all my children..Kristin, Rachel , Nicholas, Jake, David, Mia ,Courage and my last miracle baby, Melanie Grace.. |
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