Tom calls to me,
"Jamie I am confused."
That is not is nothing new I think as I wait for him to say more, but he doesnít and so I continue and comment allowed asking him why he is confused.
"So Tom why are you confused? Is it near your period and are you starting to freak out? I hope not because I can only hold your hand for so long, I mean. I donít know why I said that. I think that I meant that you need therapy, and I am willing to find you a therapist."
"Jamie, I hear you and you do have a point. What I mean I am having trouble or confused or whatever you want to call it is that I donít know who I am attracted to sexually. I think I like to play the man in the scene, but with whom I am not sure. I wish it was simple, but it is not."
OK, I am thinking how do I answer this question. I did the coming out thing several years ago when I first came into the college world. I know that people can comeout several times, but I have only comeout once myself and I donít think that I am going to comeout again, or I donít think so. I feel for Tom because I would be confused also. Ugh I say to myself because I donít have an answer to the problem.
"Jamie, I really want to talk to you about this problem, OK."
"OK Tom and right now would be a good time to talk knowing that I can give you my full attention, which I hope that you will appreciate."
"Thanks Jamie, I love you. The thing that is going is that for some reason I am kind of having mixed emotions if I like gay sex with other trans guys or if I like having sex femmes like you. I just donít know what to think and it is all very frustrating I must say. I have been reading erotica and some of it is gay. The gay is not for me, but for some reason I want have sex with trans males and it is just kind of odd."
"Tom I would say it is odd, but knowing what I know now about people changing their sexuality over years then I am like well I can see it. The question that I have for you is what do you want to do about? I mean we could drag John over here or you could play with me in the same way that you would play with a trans male, your choice.
I looked at Tom while he flipped it around in his head. And I walked out of the room waiting for him to come back to see me when he had made up his mind. He didnít bring it up until later in the day.
"That might work Jamie, I mean with the thing with John. What about his lover, what would he say to it?"
"I donít know Tom. . . he might be cool with it and like the kink and or he might frown at it and keep John from seeing both of us. I think he is a little jealous sometimes over how much time we spend with John."
"Jamie, I guess the thing is that I am having trouble with the fact that I have a male body or I identify as having one and so I feel that I fit with bio females, but I am curious if I could have a lasting relationship with a bio guy or a trans guy who is post opt. It is kind of weird to look at the genitalia of a post opt. It just isnít normal looking. Oh and yes I still want the surgery."
Sometimes I think that Tomís thought process and what comes out of his mouth is just weird. I am being quite serious. OK let me see if I grasp all of this. He wants to have surgery even if it looks weird. He wants to see if he would enjoy sex with a bio guy or a trans guy who is post opt. There is John, but I am not sure where I could find a tans guy. That will be a challenge.
"Tom. . . . Are you sure about what you want to do? Canít you read some books or more erotica or something to get the point across in your mind so that you know what you like?"
"Yes Jamie and I have tried. I have even tried to see if I sleep with a black woman and like the erotica that is from that viewpoint. But I feel that I must get into it in person and feel it out myself. It is just so fricking frustrating that I am barely comfortable with my body and now I am having issues with sexuality. Maybe I am just a male top who lust for bio females who are dom or passive trans guys. May be that is where I am coming from and how I should go about it when it come to the sex game."
"So. . . does that me we are going to have or lets say do you want an open relationship?"
"Well I donít have a problem with that, but I do want to keep you as my primary. Maybe I donít, heck I donít know. I canít tell it is too soon for me to say."
We kind of went through the afternoon without chaos and all that was up came down.