I Am The Very Model of an Alternate Historian

Music by Arthur Sullivan
Lyrics by David Bofinger

THE ALTERNATE HISTORIAN:

I am the very model of an alternate historian,
I've timelines quite implausible and tones that are stentorian,
I know the authors' canon and have read the novels seminal,
Of Moore, de Camp and Turtledove, and lesser scribes ephemeral,
I'm very well acquainted too with mechanisms temporal,
A dozen kinds of meddling both linear and parallel,
I fake my erudition, but can parrot with celerity,
The many cheerful facts I cribbed from Diamond and McEvedy.

SOC.HISTORY.WHAT-IF:

The many cheerful facts he cribbed from Diamond and McEvedy.
The many cheerful facts he cribbed from Diamond and McEvedy.
The many cheerful facts he cribbed from Diamond and McEvedy.

THE ALTERNATE HISTORIAN:

I own a house in Rotterdam where Kublai Khan was resident,
A pair of slippers from a line where Reagan was a president,
With timelines quite implausible and flames authoritarian,
I am the very model of an alternate historian.

SOC.HISTORY.WHAT-IF:

With timelines quite implausible and flames authoritarian,
He is the very model of an alternate historian.

THE ALTERNATE HISTORIAN:

I've jeered the English prisoners in the victory march of Alençon,
I've marched with hoplites fleeing from the Greek defeat at Marathon,
I've sailed in wind-blown fleets from lines where Brunel died in penury,
Then watched a Führer triumph in a bitter Moscow January.
I saw Manhattan crater, where they dropped that toy of Heisenberg's,
I've found that Pickett's charge will fail whate'er I change at Gettysburg.
I'll introduce you to a chap evolved from allotheria,
Or whistle all the anthems of the Palmyrene Imperia.

SOC.HISTORY.WHAT-IF:

Or whistle all the anthems of the Palmyrene Imperia
Or whistle all the anthems of the Palmyrene Imperia
Or whistle all the anthems of the Palmyrene Imperia

THE ALTERNATE HISTORIAN:

Then I can order drinks and tell a dirty joke in Troödont,
Or show you my garage, in which I'm fixing up a Draka Hond.
With timelines quite implausible but tones authoritarian,
I am the very model of an alternate historian.

SOC.HISTORY.WHAT-IF:

With timelines quite implausible but tones authoritarian,
He is the very model of an alternate historian.

THE ALTERNATE HISTORIAN:

In fact, when I can keep my posts from turning into spectacle,
When I give up on Seali'n and confess it's doomed to debacle,
When I conceal my French pronunciation's an atrocity,
And I can put a curb on my inordinate verbosity,
When I respect the thrashing of chaotic lepidoptera,
When I can write a timeline free of cosmonaut chiroptera,
In short, when I've the common sense creation gave a kidney bean,
You'll say a better alternate historian there's never been.

SOC.HISTORY.WHAT-IF:

We'll say a better alternate historian there's never been.
We'll say a better alternate historian there's never been.
We'll say a better alternate historian there's never been.

THE ALTERNATE HISTORIAN:

For my electronic missives, though they're never less than vigorous,
Rely on half-baked thoughts inspired by sources less than rigorous.
With timelines quite implausible but tones that are stentorian,
I am the very model of an alternate historian.

SOC.HISTORY.WHAT-IF:

With timelines quite implausible but tones that are stentorian,
He is the very model of an alternate historian.


Further alternate history material can be found at my home page. I welcome feedback at David.Bofinger@dsto.defenceSpamProofing.gov.au (delete the spamproofing).


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