Survival Guide for Guayaquil

Do's and Don'ts

Living in Guayaquil (and Ecuador in General) may be a Dangerous task if you don't know some simple rules that we take for granted in everyday life. That's not exclusive to Living here, anyway you go you may be killed if you try to behave as you do when you're Home, some examples:

• In India Look at a Cow and Say "Yummy, I  want a Hamburger"
• In Canada Ask for Imported Beer.
• In the States when stopped by a Police officer step out of your car, with your beer bottle in one hand and a gun in the other and shout insults at him (preferably with a minority or foreign accent).
• In Colombia (preferably Medellin), walk in the streets.
• In Irak (or Iran) wear a I Love USA T-Shirt.

I'm still working in this page. If you are from Guayaquil, please help me build it suggesting you Street wise knowledge fact  here.

I divided this page in sections:

• Basic Principles
• General Rules
• Driving Rules
• The "Laws"
• Drinking and Hanging out
• Guns and weapons

The concept of El Sabido gives birth to another Principle which  I call "Cold War Principle". During the cold war years, USA and USSR knew that going into a direct war could bring disaster to humankind. We Guayaquileños accept that, knowing that a full confrontation between 2 people could end up more times in dead or severe physical injury than not. That's why most confrontations stop at the verbal or minor physical level. For example 2 people driving a car start to shout, the typical things, as that both will invite the other to fight, remember meeting each others mommy last night in a motel, stop the car and act as if they're going to get out to fight, but usually this stops there with one telling the other that he has pity of hitting him and the other one that he's a chicken (Peace with honor). Very few times one hits the other once, and the other chickens or hits him hard and the first one chickens. But please stop there. A bigger confrontation while very likely turn up with one or both severely injured or dead. A big percentage of people carry some kind of weapon, knifes, machetes, pipes, clubs, guns, etc and are prepotent. This and the pepudos (strong guys) are the ones that will most likely start a full confrontation, and even if you carry a better weapon (shot gun, automatic rifle), it's not polite to kill another guy for a stupid argument, unless you must have to.

General Rules

• When Someone TeCaga (defeats you), making you look like a cojudo, accept the defeat, don't get angry.
• El que se pica pierde (the one that gets mad looses). In an argument keep cool, you can shout, fight shoot, etc, but don't get mad.
• When Buying anything always Bargain, even if the price is lower than what you intended to pay. Start with a ridiculous offer. For example, if you're asked for 100,000 sucres offer them 5,000. If he accepts at once (rare) don't buy it. Maintain your original price, usually they'll  start offering you say 95,000, 80,000, and they'll stop at their first "last price"  (say 50,000). At that moment go away, they'll tell another "last price" (e.g. 35,000) offer them something less (say 20,000) and you'll finish up in a middle price (say 30,000). I just saved you 70,000 sucres, e-mail me so I can tell you how to give me 50% of it (my commission)
• Never use the mail, Anything you send by mail will get lost. Or arrive 2 years later.

Driving Rules
Driving in Guayaquil can be a really pleasant experience once you get the feeling. International Traffic Laws (and some physical laws) don't apply when driving here, so please read this before you sit in a car.

• Do we drive on the left or right of the road?  The answer is "both". Basically you start on the right of the road, unless it is occupied. In that case, go to the left, unless that is also occupied.  Then proceed by occupying the next available gap, as in chess.
• Just trust your instincts, ascertain the direction, and proceed.
• Adherence to International Road Rules leads to much misery and occasional fatality..
• We don't have street lights, you may see some that look like that in the intersections, but they really are Christmas lights that someone forgot to take out.
• We have a different meaning for the street lights.
• Yellow : Accelerate and pass before it turns to red.
• Green : Stop and see both sides before passing, someone may be passing the red light.
• Red: In Ecuador you MUST stop in a red light. Specific exceptions are made only in the following cases : You are going to turn right, you are going to turn left, you are going to go straight, someone's honking behind you, you just feel like passing.
• Traffic Signs: Most Traffic signs are there for people to take them out for home decoration, They also work very well for making barbecue (just strip the paint before cooking). Somehow Stop signs are obeyed, but in a different way. If you have a stop sign, you must  honk twice (or flash your lights) and proceed, If the Stop sign is in the crossing street, you must reduce speed, listen for any honking and then proceed. In any intersection, the one that honks first or the one who hits the break last has the right of pass.
• The road sign "YIELD" or a flashing yellow light have no meaning. You must never come to a complete stop unless the vehicle in front of you does.
• Don't stop at pedestrian crossings just because some fool wants to cross the road.  You may do so only if you enjoy being bumped in the back..  Pedestrians have been strictly instructed to cross only when traffic is moving slowly or had come to a dead stop.  Still some idiot may try to wade across, but then, let us not talk ill of the dead.
• If you hit a pedestrian, run away. If you can't do it in your car do it running. People will most likely try to lynch you, specially if it was his fault. If someone approaches you shoot him and keep running.
• If you Crash into a house, leave the car there, people will take care of it, and put a chain so you can't take it out until you pay for the damage.
• Blowing your horn is not a sign of protest as in some countries.  We horn to express joy, resentment, frustration, romance and bare lust (two brisk blasts), or, just wakeup a dozing donkey in the middle of the road.
• Keep informative books in the glove compartment.  You may read them during traffic jams, while driving, or waiting for the rain waters to recede when overground traffic meets underground drainage.
• Traffic police are called Buitres (vultures). They are not meant to direct traffic, prevent accidents or any of those nonsense. They work for The CTG, Comercial de Transito del Guayas (Guayas Traffic Commerce), and their main job is to Collect money and produce traffic jams.
• If stopped by a Buitre, shout at it  "Estas Mal Buitre" (you're wrong Vulture), no matter what he tells you. Any way he'll try to get money from you. Don't tell it you're not breaking any rule (that's not the point), tell it that all the other drivers are doing the same so why is he bugging you. If it doesn't want to come into reason, give him money (usually around $2-$5 will do). But if you are lucky and shout a lot he'll just let you go after insulting you.
• NEVER, NEVER, get into a Police car when instructed to. No matter what they tell you. They'll frame you and accuse you of anything they want and end up paying a lot in the CTG. Usually you'll have to pay a higher price not to be taken ($10-$50).
• If you're broke when stopped by the Buitres, tell them to follow you to the ATM, but always go in your car not in theirs.
• Never try to fight with a Buitre, It'll make things worst and they'll torture you. If you have the chance just shoot them.
• If you get caught for drunk driving and don't have the money to pay the Buitre, DON'T take the Alcohol - check (even if you're not drunk). It costs $50 (even if you are not drunk) and it'll be more expensive to get out of jail (even if you're not drunk).
• When a Buitre is directing (jamming) transit and orders you to stop, Shout to him "Ponte en Verde Buitre" (turn green) and he'll let you pass.
• When driving always keep a loaded firearm in the car. It may be handy for any discussion you can have.
• Night driving on Ecuadorian roads can be an exhilarating experience (for those with the mental makeup of Genghis Khan). In a way, it is like playing Russian roulette, because you do not know who amongst the drivers is loaded.  What looks like premature dawn on the horizon turns out to be a Bus attempting a speed record.  On encountering it, just pull partly into the field adjoining the road until the phenomenon passes.  Our roads do not have shoulders, but occasional boulders.  Do not blink your lights expecting reciprocation.  The only dim thing in the Bus is the driver, and the peg of illicit attack he has had at the last stop, his total cerebral functions add up to little more than a thought. Often you may encounter a single powerful beam of light about six feet above the ground. This is not a super motor-bike, but a Bus approaching you with a single light on, usually the right one.  It could be the left one, but never get too close to investigate..  You may prove your point posthumously.  Of course, all this occurs at night, on the trunk roads.
• Bus drivers are the James Bonds of Ecuador, and are licensed to kill.
• Buses always have right of way. If they don't they'll crash at you.
• Bus drivers rule the CTG (no joke), and give daily contributions to the Buitres, so they'll always win in a legal confrontation.
• Always keep an eye for tips of fingers popping out of the window of buses riding the right-most lane, This means that they're going to turn in 6 lane 2 ways streets without looking behind.
• If you ever have the chance to kill a bus driver do it.
• Turn lights don't mean nothing, people never use them, so don't expect to see them.
• Be prepared to yell obscenities at &/or give the finger to anything that crosses your path
• Never yield to emergency vehicles, such as ambulances. They will find a way to get around you. Hell, they should never have caught up with you in the first place.
• You must master the art of tailgating .  With practice, it is possible to maintain a distance of two feet or less between you and the vehicle in front of you without even paying attention!
• Remember, you are always in a bigger hurry than the guy in front of you.
• Another art to master is that of "cutting off" other drivers. Your mission is to see the front of the vehicle you're cutting off  nearly hit the ground as it brakes to a screeching halt.
• When caught in heavy traffic, if the light is turning to red and you are in a street cross, always leave your car so the cars coming the other way can't cross.
• Most Guayaquileños do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.

1. Everyone does what they want regardless of what "The Law" says
2. You can get in Jail for doing anything, that's not even forbidden in "The Law" .

"Laws" in Ecuador are generally absurd and vague, and the legislative function (Judges) is CORRUPT as it can get. In any trial, money is all that talks, so the one that has more money, or the one that has more friends in high places is the one who wins. If you are an average Juan Piguave (John Dough). and you go into a trial. You are certain that you will end up in Jail no matter if you are guilty or not. So, the important thing is not to get caught in the first place. If you get caught. You will go to Jail (before the trail) and you don't get out until you bribe the Judge. Prisons in Ecuador are full of people who haven't been convicted and where caught on minor crimes.
In Guayaquil there are 2 types of police: General Police (Policia Nacional) and Traffic Police (Buitres). General Police is not that corrupt for the country standards. They are however, very square minded and stubborn. So if they catch you doing something that they say that it's not legal ,although you think it is (I'm not talking of crimes, I'm supposing you are just caught in a misunderstanding), talk to them kindly and DON'T ARGUE. Try to convince them the good way. Remember that if you get caught you end up in Jail for good (unless you have a friend in a high place). The last resource will be bribing them, but do it in a way you won't offend them, this are very poorly paid people and their first motivation isn't to get money from you but to do what they believe is their job.
Buitres are another story. If they stop you it must be they are looking for money. Nothing else. They are going to invent some fictional crime and can put you in jail for good no matter what you have done or not done. Don't have any type of consideration for these "people". Ask them "How much do you wan't" they'll directly tell you their fee. Try to bargain a bit but anyway you'll have to end up paying them. Remember the name of the Buitre who caught you in case you get stopped again. In this case you should tell the other "I already paid N.N. this much in this place", and he'll call by radio and confirm that you already made your "contribution" and let you go.  You can learn more on buitres playing my interactive game "Shoot the Buitre" (requires Shockwave Flash pluggin).
Needless to say, people with any political/economical power don't have to obey the laws. So don't try to get in any type of legal trouble with any one  them or their friends. A friend of mine got in some legal trouble with another guy who was friend of a TV anchorwoman from Ecuavisa. She influenced the policemen who where doing the investigation and changed all the facts. He almost ended up in Jail, but lucky for him his father was a friend of a guy in the supreme court and he influenced the judge and got out.

So please be very careful with any legal problem in Ecuador because it can get out of hands and you can end up pretty bad.

Drinking and Hanging Out
Sorry I'm still working on this one 

Guns and Weapons
Sorry I'm still working on this one