Submissionary.net Daily Rant
Monday, November 18, 2002
Wow, I actually have time to update, that's WEIRD! Its good though, my hiatus has allowed time for more ideas/rants to formulate. You can't rant without something to rant about! Well, you could, but then it's... whatever its called when you're ranting about nothing. Blithering maybe.
I was just being cruelly forced to watch some sort of "America's Funniest Animal Outtake" by someone who will remain unnamed! And, it was sad really. There was some girl being attacked by a mountain lion, and her boyfriend was chuckling while holding the camera. He didn't go and help her, he just zoomed in closer. Same deal with the parents video taping the cat attacking a toddler. Ho ho ho, really funny guys. It's almost as funny as the time, on "America's Funniest Home Videos" when the guy flipped his ATV going up a steep hill and tumbled all the way down the hill on the ATV. Hey, he only could've been paralyzed or killed, but it must be funny, because Bog Saget can kiss my ass. Sorry, had to get that off my chest.
We have TWO news stories today: The first comes to us from the Michigan Daily, the University of Michigan student newspaper. "DPS officers observed a suspicious bag of over-roasted popcorn in a trash bin of Mosher Jordan Residence Hall early Friday, DPS reports state. But once looked at closely, the officers did not see a fire." I would just like to thank the ever-vigilant DPS officers for averting tragedy. Had that bag of popcorn caught fire, millions of lives could have been lost! Either that, or a bin full of garbage would have burned. One of the two.
In other news, President Bush vowed today to make up as many excuses as necessary to go to war with Iraq. "We will not stand for anything they may or may not do! We have been patient, and yet they still refuse to meet the new demands we come up with on a regular basis. We must demantle the evil Iraq regime, and install a new directator who will do what we want for a little while! Saddam may think he can buy time by doing or not doing what we say, but if he does or doesn't do what we say, we WILL use force to remove him from power. I feel I have the complete support of the American people when I say 'We must send our younger generation to Iraq to fight in a war that is in no way like Desert Storm'. Thank you."
Wednesday, November 06, 2002
Sorry for not updating for a couple days, I have been (and still am) too busy to make a post. Regular posts should continue on Friday, I know you all can hardly wait! Until then, wish me luck, or else! Yeah. stuff. err....
Sunday, November 03, 2002
I went to Wendy's for dinner tonight, because they don't serve dinner on Sundays in the dorm. And once again they managed to mess up my order. It never fails, especially Wendy's. How hard is it to make a hamburger, my god. And of course I didn't find out until after I'd left. It always happens that way. Oh well.
I was informed yesterday that a few years ago Coca-Cola decided that they no longer needed to advertise because everyone knew about them. They then proceeded to lose a large chunk of the market to Pepsi, then started advertising again and gained it back. I don't know how true it is, I couldn't find the case study myself. If anyone finds more information on that let me know. I did find information about RC Cola though. They used to be the #1 cola, then decided they could afford to stop advertising. They dropped to #3 and haven't been able to recover.
I really hate two-party politics. Republican, Democrat, that's all there is. Anyone who mentions a third-party candidate gets laughed at. There are people *cough republicans cough* who go into the voting booth and ACTUALLY select the "Vote Republican" option. In essence, this means that they don't care what the person's platform is, whether they're a convicted child molester, or are in fact a small dog, if they're Republican then by god they must be good. I know there are Democrats that do this too, I just don't know as many of them. And then the fact that a "majority" went into the booth and voted for a candidate *cough bush cough cough* that can BARELY read, and everyone knows it. The man is an imbecile. He needs to be put down, for his own sake. Not that Gore was much better, damn machine. I can proudly say I threw away my vote and helped keep Gore out of office by voting for Nader.
The government supports the two-party system too. In order to participate in presidential debates, a candidate must have 15% of the national support by opinion poll. Nader had 7% as was therefore not allowed to participate. By not being allowed to participate, it makes it that much harder for his voice to be heard to sway public opinion in his favor. Its a Catch-22. Not only that, but Nader was physically removed from even WATCHING a debate. He was in a lounge at one of the last election's presidential debates that he was excluded from, watching it on a large-screen TV. Security quietly escorted him off the premises, despite him having a ticket to the event. Whatever. Things will never change. People aren't outraged at Bush yet. Give it more time. His ineptitude will shine through yet.
Todays new: Can I interest you in taking a phone survey? No? Are you sure, because this one is different from the rest. How so, you say? Why this one could shape the very face of marketing as you know it. I know a lot of other surveys claim that, but we're serious. You do want to be a proactive part of how things are sold to you don't you? I'll take your brief period of silence to mean yes. So let's get started shall we? How many pairs of pants would you say you've purchased in the last twenty years? Take your time, no rush. Just think about it... okay, I can see that you're busy at the moment. I'll just hang on the phone until you return. Don't forget to think about the first question as you go about your daily routine, leaving me connected and set on top of the fridge. Thanks now, buh-bye!
Saturday, November 02, 2002
I predict that the end of the world as we know it will occur sometime in my lifetime. Which is not to say that I will be the cause of it, but I just think that the odds of either a nuclear holocaust, human catastrophe such as advanced global warming, or some natural disaster like a comet coming through and wiping out most of the world is pretty large. We have India and Pakistan constantly teetering on the edge of nuclear war. The US has about 18 Trident submarines roaming the sea, each with something like 192 nuclear warheads. That equals 3,456 nuclear warheads roaming around the sea. Each warhead is between 100 and 475 kilotons. 100 to 475 * 3,456 = 345,600 to 1,641,600 kilotons. Size of bomb dropped on Hiroshima: 14 kilotons. That doesn't account for Russia, the second most heavily armed power, and all the third world countries who are trying to get nuclear power. Plus there is the constant religious war that every country is waging against every other country. What happens when extremist Muslims from the Middle East, such as bin Laden, get access to major biological warfare agents, like smallpox or such. It's all very bleak.
Approx. radius of direct effect of a 100 kiloton Trident warhead: 12.43 mi (20 km). Area of effect: 121.35 square miles. 121.35 * 3,456 missiles = 419,385 square miles.
Today's news: Michigan kicked States ass. Take that, damn Spartans. Get a real mascot. Leaders from around the globe gathered today for the yearly "Unity on Earth" gathering. The annual meeting is meant to further the peaceful relationships between different cultures and help promote world peace. Cindy Brown, the coordinator for the event, said it was a logistical nightmare. "Okay, I know we can't seat America next to any Middle Eastern country, and we should probably keep Israel and Palestine as far from each other as possible. I can put France anywhere, but I feel sorry for anyone sitting next to them. Maybe I'll put France on an end." Despite Ms. Brown's efforts, there was much hostility at the event, and the Netherlands ended up leaving in a huff. Canada attempted to break up a skirmish between America and Afghanistan, but just ended up getting a black eye. Plans for next years meeting are on hold until Iraq apologizes for giving Britain a noogy.
Thursday, October 31, 2002
Are commercials really necessary? I mean, I understand them from the television stations point of view, that's how they make money. But what about the companies that are advertising. The definition of advertise is To make known; call attention to. Right, okay, so that makes perfect sense if nobody knows about your product. If I started a business then I'd definitely want to advertise. But how many people can honestly say they've never heard of Pepsi, or Coke? No one. There are about 3 people on the planet earth that have not heard of Pepsi, and they're definitely not in any position to purchase some. So basically you have companies spending millions of dollars on advertising a product that everyone knows about. "Well maybe a commercial will convince someone to switch/go out and buy some/chase a donkey with a spoon." How many times have you seen a commercial then suddenly said "MY GOD, they're right, I'm never drinking Coke again, and I'm going to go buy a Pepsi RIGHT NOW! And I have this sudden urge to chase a donkey with a spoon!" Never.
Police discovered today that the DC area sniper is linked to every single unsolved crime in history. Also, they decided that he was the real culprit in all previously solved crimes as well. They plan to release all prisoners and are charging the sniper with 4,593,238 counts of first degree murder. If he doesn't receive the death penalty, he could face 321,526,660 years in jail.
In today's news, San Diego Zoo's beloved Salty the Seal was found frollicking in the water, which had been contaminated by nuclear waste. Local environmentalists theorize that a recent rainstorm was polluted with nuclear waste from nearby Vallecitos Nuclear Power Plant. While Salty is still alive, the nuclear waste has caused acute mutations in the seal. Namely, swollen flippers, a definite green hue to his skin, and bulging eyes, commonly referred to as "popeye". The zoo's veterinarians are doing all they can to make Salty comfortable, but they fear there is no hope for the badly misshapen seal. Said one zoo patron "Look mommy, it's a giant frog!"
Wednesday, October 30, 2002
I don't understand designer clothes. Well, thats not entirely accurate. I UNDERSTAND them, I just don't understand why people love them so much. Take for example any of the millions of varieties of Ralph Lauren shit. People pay premium money for a shirt that is not any higher quality. Then, the company goes and plasters their name all over the shirt. People think "Oh cool, now everyone can see that I wear designer shit." Meanwhile, the marketing execs at Ralph Lauren are going "HAHA, suckers, you just paid US 40 dollars so you can be a walking billboard. Are we geniuses or what?" No, you guys aren't geniuses, everyone else is just mentally deficient.
The only thing worse than designer clothes is designer baby clothes. Go ahead, buy your 2 year old Tommy Hilfiger shirts and baby pants, buy Nike baby shoes. Or better yet, just burn your money, because thats basically what you're doing. Or even better still, if you're that desperate to waste your money, just send it to me. I'll put it to better use than buying designer pants that are going to get crapped in and/or outgrown in a couple months. Seriously, whats wrong with you people. They're BABY clothes. If they cover the baby's ass then they're doing their job. And I can guarantee you the kid couldn't tell the difference between Tommy Hilfiger and a paper bag.
Todays News: In a (not so) surprising turn of events, Bush and top cabinet members changed their stance towards Iraq earlier today. In a press conference, President Bush was quoted as saying "We were wrong to classify Iraq as part of the AXIS OF EVIL *ominous thunder*. In a show of friendship, we have decided to send Iraq a gift-basket with a variety of fine nuclear and chemical weapons, with a cute bow on top. In addition, we plan to help Saddam Hussein train his troops into lethal guerrila fighters." When asked if that wasn't what they had done with the Taliban and the Afghani fighters which today make up the Al Qaeda, Bush responded: "No, that was completely different. This time nothing can go wrong. Why would the Iraqi people turn on us after we were so nice to train them? I for one can't see that happening."
Tuesday, October 29, 2002
Things are coming along swimmingly. Swimmingly I say! Half of the religion section is updated, with much more to come. I still have philosophy to go, and if anyone would ever submit anything I would post that, dammit. Seriously, whats wrong with you people, haven't you got any creativity? Send me something!
In an addendum to my previous post about Disney, I would just like to point out that Disney and Puff Daddy, err, sorry, P Diddy, no wait, is it the rapper formerly known as P Diddy? Anyway. Puff P Diddy Daddy and Disney have one glaring similarity, in that, even though they are very wealthy for their "art", neither of them actually created any of it. Did you know that "The Lion King", what I thought was one of Disney's only original stories, is actually a rip off of a Japanese animation called "Kimba the White Lion"? Go search for it on Google if you don't believe me. Disney calls it "telling a story" or "animation" and PPDD calls it "sampling". I've got knews for ya, its not sampling if you sample the entire damn thing. Thats called, wait, say it with me boys and girls, copying it! Yes, very good!
And as we all know, things are so much funnier when they're real. Which is why today I bring you an ACTUAL news story that appeared in the New York Times on September 18th.
The following is a list of some of the things that former CEO of Tyco International, L. Dennis Kowlowski, bought and charged to the company. a house in Florida ($29 million), 2 NYC apartments ($24 million), furnishings and "repairs" for said properties ($14 million), a travel toiletries box ($17,000), an umbrella stand ($15,000), a shower curtain ($6,000), a pincushion ($445), and half of the $2.1 million dollars it cost for his wifes 40th birthday party. The highlight of the party? A statue of a man filled with Stoli vodka that could be poured out through his penis. How appetizing. All I've got to say buddy is a) you'd better enjoy it while you can, before your former company or some disgruntled, minimum wage-making factory worker hears about this and comes at you with a high-powered rifle and b) how the hell does a shower curtain cost $6,000?