A very weird thing has happened. A strange old lady has moved into my house. I have no idea
who she is, where she came from, or how she got in. I certainly did not invite her. All I know
is that one day she wasn't there, and the next day she
was!
She is a clever old lady who manages to keep out of sight for the most part, but whenever I
pass a mirror, I catch a glimpse of her. And whenever I look in the mirror to check my
appearance, there she is - hogging the whole thing, completely obliterating my gorgeous face
and body. This is very rude! I have tried screaming at her, but she just screams back.
The least she could do is offer to pay part of the rent, but no! Oh, every once in a while, I find
a dollar bill stuck in a coat pocket, or some loose change under a sofa cushion, but it is not
nearly enough.
I don't want to jump to conclusions either, but I think she is stealing money from me. I go to the ATM
and withdraw $100, and a few days later, it's all gone! I certainly don't spend money THAT fast,
so I can only conclude the old lady is pilfering from me. You'd think she would spend some of
that money to buy wrinkle cream.
And money isn't the only thing I think she is stealing. Food seems to disappear at an alarming
rate - especially the good stuff like ice cream, cookies, and candy. She must have a real sweet
tooth, but she'd better watch it, because she is really packing on the pounds. I suspect she
realizes this, and to make herself feel better, she is tampering with my scale to make me think
I am putting on weight, too.
For an old lady, she is quite childish. She likes to play nasty games, like going into my closets
when I'm not home and altering my clothes so they don't fit. And she messes with my files and
papers so I can't find anything. This is particularly annoying since I am extremely neat and
organized.
She has found other imaginative ways to annoy me as well. She gets into my mail, newspapers, and
magazines before I do and blurs the print so I can't read it. And she has done something really
sinister to the volume controls on my TV, radio, and telephone. Now, all I hear are mumbles
and whispers.
She has done other things too - like make my stairs steeper, my vacuum heavier, and all the knobs
and faucets harder to turn. She even made my bed higher so that getting into and out of it is a
real challenge.
Lately, she has been fooling with my groceries before I put them away, applying glue to the
lids, making it almost impossible for me to open the jars.
And she has taken the fun out of shopping for clothes. When I try something on, she stands in front
of the dressing room mirror and monopolizes it. She looks totally ridiculous in some of those
outfits, plus, she keeps me from seeing how great they look on me.
Just when I thought she couldn't get any meaner, she proved me wrong. She came along when
I went to get my picture taken for my driver's license, and just as the camera shutter clicked,
she jumped right out in front of me!
So watch out...she might be at your house next! I sure wish she'd leave mine!
