Jessie Wallace, aka Eastenders Kat Slater, on mud, meat and cheese cars

By far the most uncivilised member of the ne'er do well Slater clan that has recently swept into the Square like a noxious smell, Kat's a worthy successor to the acid-tongued Cindy Beale.  Foul-mouthed insults and flirting with her sister's bloke a speciality.  Bitchy as they come.  Not at  all like the good sport who plays her, Jessie Wallace.  Who, over the course of an afternoon with the Loaded contingent, proves herself to be a trooper of the first order...

Home

Alright then missus, your life story in no more than 200 words.

Erm, born 1971 in Enfield.  Later moved to Epping.  I was a horrible child, but never the sadistic type.  I wasn't into dynamiting small animals.  The first really exciting thing that happened to me was winning a dance contest when I was 10.  I had this Bucks Fizz dance that I learnt.  I won a beanbag toy which became my pride and joy.  Became a rockabilly girl, then a hippy, then a punk, then a goth.

Then I went into doing make-up and hair.  I wanted to be a special-effects make-up artist, so I studied all that.  Then at 26, I found myself working in the RSC and realised that acting was what I wanted to do.  So I left to go to drama school, and got myself an agent.  I got my first TV part in the Bill, playing a policewoman who gets mistaken for a stripper.  And then I went for a small walk-on part in Eastenders.  I didn't get it, but then they decided to introduce this new family to the square.  So I was called in for that and I got the part.  I couldn't sleep for the next three months.

Which Eastenders character would you least like to be trapped in a lift with?

Frank Butcher, 'cos he's scary.  Overpowering.  When Frank walks into a room, you just want to walk out.

Who's the sexiest member of the Eastenders cast?

Me.  Am I allowed to say that? OK then, Nick Cotton with the black leather, the Brylcreem and the cross in his ear.  He's got a style of his own.  He don't give a shit.

If Eastenders ever decided to bump off your character, how would you like to go?  How about Dirty Den coming back as a blood crazed zombie and hacking you to bits with a machete outside the Queen Vic?

Mmm.  Bit sick, that.  I'd sooner be killed off by a jealous lover.  That'd be good.  It hasn't happened in Eastenders, but it happens a lot in real life.  Or I could get abducted by an alien.  Not so realistic, but it'd be a good laugh.  Not that I've had any experience of aliens.  The worst way I can imagine going would be eaten alive by reptiles.  If I was reincarnated, I'd hate to come back as a reptile.

Believe in all that afterlife rubbish do you?

I do, yeah.  Do you ever get the feeling when you're walking down a street and you just know that you've been there before?

Every day, since you ask.  Usually when I pass my own house...

If I had to come back to life as an insect, I'd come back as a butterfly.  If it was a bird, I'd like to come back as a raven.  I do like ravens.  It's the way they walk around, like they've got an attitude.

Funny, that.  Because you look a bit like a raven.

They're quite intense, aren't they, ravens?  I'm a bit like that.  Very determined.  The kind of girl who sees what she wants and goes out to get it.  Determined without being ruthless.

How would you describe yourself in a 'lonely hearts' ad?

"Raven-like ice maiden with nutty sense of humour seeks gent."  I do have quite a nutty sense of humour.  People falling over - that always makes me laugh.  Though I wouldn't laugh if I saw someone fall off a building.  It's more the slapstick thing.

What's the most extreme revenge you've enacted on a boyfriend?

Rubbing itching powder in the crotch of his trousers.  He'd been behaving like a general arsehole...

Should blokes always wear hats?

Only if they want to.  I don't think it should be compulsory.  Mind you, I passed an old man in the street the other day and he doffed his trilby at me.  I thought that was nice.  And I do like a man in a cowboy hat.  Top hats are very sexy.  Like Gary Oldman in Dracula.

Your most far flung sexual fantasy?

I'd love to have sex in the thunder in a field thick with mud.  With a man in a top hat.

Let's talk food.  What's your fancy?

I love meat.  Except for lamb, 'cos it smells too much like an animal.  I don't like to be reminded that I'm eating an animal.  Which is why I like my steaks well done.  I'm more of a meat person than a biscuit person, though I'd never go in fo cannibalism.  I could never eat another human being.  I'd sooner gnaw my own leg than someone else's.

Finally, the future.  Would you welcome the idea of cars and lorries made out of cheese?

I like cheese, especially Stilton, though I wouldn't want to drive a car made out of Stilton.  But cheese is great.  IF I buy a massive lump of cheese, I have to eat it there and then.  So I only buy it in small amounts.  Otherwise I'd be as big as a house.  A house made of cheese.  That's a nice image to finish on, don't you think?