An old man and a young man worked in a busy office next to each other. The young man noticed that the older man always kept a jar of peanuts on his desk. The young man loved peanuts.
One day while the older man was away from his desk the young man couldn't resist and went to the old man's jar and ate all the peanuts.
When the old man returned the young man felt guilty and confessed to eating the peanuts.
The old man chuckled. "That's ok son, since I lost my teeth all I can do is lick the chocolate off the peanut M&Ms."
A Huge Cucumber
A man walks into a doctor's office. A huge cucumber is stuck up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. "What's the matter with me ?" he asks the doctor.
The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."
A Young Reporter
A young reporter was interviewing a 105 year-old woman: "What's the best thing about being 105?" The old woman replied, "No peer pressure."
Two muffins are in the oven.
One says to the other "Man it's hot in here"
The other one replies "Oh no... It's a talking muffin."
A Young Businessman
A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a lavish office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come in to the outer office. Wishing to appear a big shot, the businessman picked up the phone and pretended he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"
The man said, "Yeah, I'm here to activate your phone lines."
A recent study found that it's a bad idea to give chocolate to a woman with PMS. It can worsen the condition.
However, it's an even WORSE idea to try to take AWAY chocolate from a woman with PMS.
Student (on phone) : My son has a bad cold and won't be able to come to school today.
School Teacher: Who is this?
Student: This is my father speaking!
Rednecks Jigsaw Puzzle
On a shopping trip to the big city a redneck bought a 24-piece jigsaw puzzle. He worked on it every night for two weeks. Finally, the puzzle was finished.
"Look what I've don, Jess," he said proudly to a visiting neighbor.
"That's surely somethin', Will. How long did it take you?"
"Only two weeks."
"Never done a puzzle myself," Jess said. "Is two weeks fast?"
"Darn tootin'," Will said. "Look at the box. It says, 'From two to four years."
Two morons were driving to Disneyland. They reached a sign post at a fork in the road. The sign read... Disneyland left. So they turned around and drove back home.
Yesterday, American Scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of male hormones.
To prove their theory, they fed one hundred women twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started farting for no reason and stopped asking for directions when they got lost driving.
A bald nun, a gay lawyer, and a crazed killer female stripper walk into a
bar. The bartender says, "This has got to be the weirdest joke I've
ever been in..."
Motel Desk Clerk: The room is $20... a night... It's $10... if you make your own bed...
Guest: I'll make my own bed...
Motel Desk Clerk: Good... I'll get you some nails and wood...
Husband & Wife
Husband: Lets try a different position tonight?
Wife: Okay.... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart...
Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Holly said to Dolly
'I was artificially inseminated this morning.'
'I don't believe you,' said Dolly
'It's true, no bull!'
I Can See Clearly Now
A man walks into the psychiatrist office wearing only plastic wrap. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
A blonde was driving down the motorway when her cellular phone rang. It was her husband, urgently warning her, “Honey, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on the expressway. Please be careful!”
“It’s not just one car!” said the blonde.
“There’s "freakin' hundreds of them!”
The First Day
The child comes home from his first day at school.
The Mother asks, “What did you learn today?”
The kid replies, “Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow.”
Work Man Blues
Sam: Whats the matter Dan?
Dan: My Brother fell in the reupholstery machine at work last week.
Sam: Sounds serious...is he alright?
Dan: Yeah, he's fully recovered!
Friend: You look out of breath...what happened.
Man: I ran five miles today. Finally, I had to say, "OK Lady, here's your purse back.
Such Good Advice?
Patient: "Doctor, something is wrong! I'm shrinking!"
Doctor: "Now, now - you'll have to be a little patient!"
Same Old Con Job
Police recently arrested a man who was selling pills that he claimed would give you eternal youth. Police discovered that it was the sixth time this con-man was arrested. The earlier arrests were made in 1799, 1850, 1920, 1960, and 1999.
What Time Is It?
A blonde asked someone what time it was, and they told her it was 4:45. The blonde, with a puzzled look on her face replied,
“You know, it’s really weird, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer.”
Even Another Blonde Joke
A man walked into his kitchen one morning and found his very pretty blonde wife painting the walls. She was wearing her new fur coat and a nice denim jacket. Thinking this was a little odd; he asked her why she was wearing them rather than old clothes or an overall while painting. She showed him the instructions on the paint can container,“For best results, put on two coats!
A: Hey, man! Please call me a taxi.
B: Yes, sir. You are a taxi.
Price Of Martimony?
Young boy: "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Dad: "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
Lawyers & UFO's
Q: What do honest lawyers and UFO's have in common?
A: You always hear about them, but you never see them
At The Strip Club
A plumber, an electrician, and an accountant walk into a strip club. The electrician calls over a blonde, licks a ten-dollar bill and slaps it on her left butt cheek. The plumber licks a 20 and slaps it on her right butt cheek. The accountant takes out his ATM card, swipes it down the crack of her butt, and grabs the 30 bucks.
The Perfect Present?
Neighbor: What are you doing out here sitting on the lawn in your underwear sporting a black eye on Christmas?
Man:My wife said she wanted something for Christmas that would go from 0 to 200 in five seconds flat. So for
Christmas I brought her a brand new bathroom scale. And that's the last thing I remember before waking up out here
North VS South
A girl from the South and a girl from the North were seated next to each other on a plane. The Southern Girl, being friendly, said "So, where ya'll from?"
The northern girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence." The girl from the south sat quietly for a moment and then said, "So where ya'll from, bitch?
Two cannibals were at a circus eating a clown. The one turned to the other and said, "Does this clown taste funny to you?"
A Dyslexic man walks into a bra...
Kermie & Henry
What do Kermit the Frog and Henry the Eighth have in common? They both have the same middle name.
There are three types of people in this world - those who can count and those who can't.
What’s orange and sounds like a Parrot?
Answer: A Carrot
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Contents collected from the Internet and personal resources. For your entertainment and amusement only and is not meant to insult anyone.