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Our Favorite Funny One Liners!

GrouchoMarx


One Liners By Groucho Marx...

Now there's a man with an open mind - you can feel the breeze from here!

I made a killing on Wall Street a few years ago...I shot my broker.

I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along.

I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

Marriage is a wonderful institution...but who wants to live in an institution?

Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does.

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

Women should be obscene and not heard.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Time wounds all heels.

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

We took pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed. . . But we're going back next year.

You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad to get rid of it.

Who are you going to believe, me or your lyin' eyes?

--------------------

Zsa Zsa Gabor

I never hated a man enough to give him diamonds back.

To a smart girl men are no problem -- they're the answer.

If I would believe what I read about myself, I would hate my guts too.

A girl must marry for love, and keep on marrying until she finds it.

A man in love is incomplete until he he is married. Then he's finished.

Getting divorced just because you don't love a man is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.

Husbands are like fires--they go out when unattended.

Personally I know nothing about sex because I've always been married.

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.

I want a man who's kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire?

Macho does not prove mucho.

How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?

---------------

Rodney Dangerfield

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met!

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

W.C. Fields

I exercise extreme self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

I don't believe in dining on an empty stomach.

I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.

All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.

Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got.

Never mind what I told you--you do as I tell you.


Lily Tomlin

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else.

We're all in this alone.

The trouble with the rat race is even if you win, you're still a rat.

Ninety eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hardworking, honest Americans. It's the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then, we elected them.


Dennis Leary

"I would never do crack... I would never do a drug named after a part of my own ass, okay?"

"We live in a country where John Lennon takes six bullets in the chest. Yoko Ono is standing right next to him. Not one F**king bullet. Explain that to me! Explain that to me!"

"Life sucks. Get a F**king helmet, okay?"

"Not eating meat is a decision, eating meat is an instinct."

"There we were in the middle of a sexual revolution wearing clothes that guaranteed we wouldn't get laid!"

"I think we should take Iraq and Iran and combine them into one country and call it Irate. All the pissed off people live in one place and get it over with."

Why hate someone for the color of their skin when there are much better reasons to hate them. Denis Leary


Bill Cosby

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap on-a-rope.

A word to the wise ain't necessary -- it's the stupid ones that need the advice.

When you become senile, you won't know it.

You can turn painful situations around through laughter. If you can find humor in anything - even poverty - you can survive it.

I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.

Men and women belong to different species and communications between them is still in its infancy.


Chris Rock

A man is as faithful as his options.

Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.


David Letterman

A Mardi Gras riot happened in Philadelphia. The people were nuts, they went berserk! I haven't seen that much looting since the Clintons left the White House!

And now the really difficult part: We have to rebuild Iraq into a strong and independent nation that will one day hate the United States.

Charlton Heston admitted he had a drinking problem, and I said to myself, "Thank God this guy doesn't own any guns!"

Congratulations are in order for Woody Allen - he and Soon Yi have a brand new baby daughter. It's all part of Woody's plan to grow his own wives.

Dick Cheney said he was running again. He said his health was fine, 'I've got a doctor with me 24 hours a day.' Yeah, that's always the sign of a man in good health, isn't it?

Don't forget it's daylight savings time. You spring forward, then you fall back. It's like Robert Downey Jr. getting out of bed.

Every day is President's Day when you have an intern!


Bob Newhart

Laughter gives us distance. It allows us to step back from an event, deal with it and then move on.

This stammer got me a home in Beverly Hills, and I'm not about to screw with it now.


Paula Poundstone

Adults are always asking kids what they want to be when they grow up because they are looking for ideas.

I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.

My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said, "Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim."

The problem with cats is that they get the exact same look on their face whether they see a moth or an axe-murderer.

The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling.

Joan Rivers

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.

I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.



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