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Lawyer Jokes:

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Lawyer Jokes

An Honest Lawyer?
Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day:
My name is Billy. What's yours? asked the first boy.
Tommy, replied the second.
My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do? asked Billy.
Tommy replied, My Daddy's a lawyer.
Honest? asked Billy.
No, just the regular kind, replied Tommy.


A Man Walks Into A Bar...
A man walks into a bar and spots a beautiful woman dressed very elegantly. He sits down next to her at the bar.
He: "How are you on such a wonderful night."
She: "I'll screw anybody, anywhere, for money,"
He: "Really, so you're a lawyer? "

Breaking News!
The U.S. Government was recently forced to destroy over a billion postage stamps of famous lawyers. Reason: People refused to buy the stamps because they did not know which side to spit on!

Pass the Sushi
George: Did you hear about the new sushi bar in town?
Fred: No.
George: It caters only to lawyers.
Fred: really. Whats it called?
George: Sosumi.

Definition of A Lawyer:
A man who helps you get what's coming to him.

Q: When attorneys die, why do they bury them 600 feet underground?
A: Because deep down, they're really nice guys.

Q: If you drop a snake and an attorney off the Empire State Building, which one hits first?
A: Who cares?

Q: How can you tell the difference between a dead skunk and a dead attorney on the road?
A: The vultures aren't gagging over the skunk.

Q: What's the difference between an attorney and a pit bull?
A: Jewelry.

Q: What do lawyers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.

Q: What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A: Watching your attorney drive over a cliff in your new Ferrari.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One; the lawyer holds it while the rest of the world revolves around him.

Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
A: Your honor.

Q: What do you call a judge gone bad?
A: Senator.

Q: Have you heard about the lawyers’ word processor?
A: No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.

Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A: A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.

Q: When lawyers die, why don't vultures eat their rotting stinking carcass?
A: Even a vulture has taste.

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 10?
A: A lawyer.

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 50?
A: Your honor.

Q:What type of apparel is the most popular with lawyers?
A:Law-suits.

Q:What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A:There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q:What's the difference between a bucket of dirt and a lawyer?
A:One is earthly scum the other is scum of the earth.

Q:What's the difference between a mosquito and a lawyer?
A:One is a blood-sucking parasite, the other is an insect.

Q:What's the difference between God and a lawyer?
A:God doesn't think he's a lawyer.

Q:Why does California have the most lawyers in the country, and New Jersey have the most toxic waste sites?
A:New Jersey got first choice.

Q:Why don't lawyers go to the beach?
A:Dogs keep trying to bury them in the sand.

Q:Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A:Professional courtesy.

Q:You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
A:Shoot the lawyer. Twice.

Q:What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell?
A:Another lawyer.

Q:What would happen if all lawyers went to heaven?
A:It would be Hell.

Q:What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
A:His partners.




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