How's a Worthy Patron like a body at a funeral?
You can't hold the affair without him, but nobody expects him to say much.
The Eastern Star held a seminar about getting new members. During a break a brother happened to overhear one Worthy Matron say to another, "Ours is up ten." The second Worthy Matron responded, "We've got you beat. Our gain is twenty-five."
The brother said, "Pardon me, sisters. I don't mean to interrupt, but I couldn't help hearing. That's wonderful news! Between your chapters we've got thirty-five new members!"
"New members?" said the first, "We were talking about how many pounds our Worthy Patrons have gained this year."
A young Entered Apprentice was being posted on his proficiency. After going over the signs and passwords, he looked at his poster and asked, "I noticed several of the older members sticking their fingers in their ears and whistling. What does that sign mean?"
"That's not a sign," his poster said, "Those are Past Masters adjusting their hearing aids."
A brother Mason died and went to Heaven. St. Peter was giving him a tour of the place when they entered a huge room filled with clocks, all showing different times. "There's one clock for each lodge," Peter said, "and every time a mistake is made in the ritual, that lodge's clock moves ahead one minute."
The brother looked for his lodge's clock in vain. Finally he turned to St. Peter and asked where it was located. "Well, it got kind of hot in the kitchen," said the Saint, "and we needed a fan..."
Who are the butcher, the baker, and the candlestick maker?
The only people not introduced at an Eastern Star meeting.
Question: How many Past Matrons does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Answer: Three. One to screw it in, one to read the minutes of the last light bulb replacement, and one to sit on the sidelines to say, "That isn't the way we used to screw in light bulbs."
A man is walking through the recreation ground of his local park when he notices a huge fight in full fury on the football pitch he is passing.
"What's going on?" he asks a spectator watching from the side-lines.
The other replies "It's a match between the Masons and the Knights of Columbus."
"What's the score?" asks the first man.
"I don't know, it's a secret."
While visiting a newly initiated brother at home one day, the new brother's wife took me to one side and said her husband had started behaving very strange since joining.
I asked in what way? She said that he locks himself in the toilet for hours on end mumbling to himself with his little blue book.
Later that evening I turned the talk to lodge, and asked him how he was getting on.
Oh fine was his reply. I asked him about his behavior and if there was anything wrong.
No, was his reply.
So why read the book there?
Well he said "Its the only TYLED room in the house"
A small Lodge had had a string of bad luck. It was preparing to initiate a candidate on a steamy evening in June and it's air conditioner had stopped working. After sweating their way through part of the work, the Master had asked the candidate what he most desired.
The candidate replied "a beer".
At this juncture the WM., being startled, whispered "light" to the candidate.
"OK," the candidate replied, "a lite beer."
Question: How many Masons does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: After much research this tricky question can now be answered. It takes 20, as follows:
2 to complain that the light doesn't work.
1 to pass the problem to either another committee, the Temple Board or the Master of the Lodge.
3 to do a study on light in the Lodge.
2 to check out the types of lights the Shriners use.
3 to argue about it.
5 to plan a fund-raising dinner to raise money for the bulb.
2 to complain that "that's not the way we did it before."
1 to borrow a ladder, donate the bulb and install it.
1 to order the brass memorial plate and have it inscribed.
A sister who had just been installed as Worthy Matron of her chapter and duly attending all the functions she could was having a hard time with her husband who said to her...
"All those women have to do is snap their fingers and you would be there wouldn't you?.........I wish I was Worthy Matron!"
After a lot thought, she said... "So do I dear..... we swap them for a new one every year!!"
An outgoing Worthy Matron found a bottle with a Genie in it. In accordance with custom, the Genie offered to grant her a wish.
"OK," said the Worthy Matron, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I hate to fly. So my wish is for you to build a bridge so I can drive to Hawaii."
"I can't do that!!!" exclaimed the Genie. "Don't you know that's just impossible? No Genie could do that. It's too far, the water is too deep, it's just totally beyond anybody's power. You will have to make another wish."
"OK," said the Worthy Matron. "I wish that at our next Business Meeting all the old Past Matrons would just get along and not cause any trouble, not have to tell us how they did it their year, not complain about the ritual, not put down the current officers ... just sit on the sidelines and behave!"
"Hmmmmm," said the Genie. "Do you want that bridge with 2 lanes or 4??"
"OLD MASONS NEVER DIE, BUT YOU'LL HAVE TO JOIN TO FIND OUT WHY"
There was an incident recently involving a policeman and a car full of Shriners he pulled over for speeding. As he approached the car, he noticed they were all wearing fezzes.
He said to them, "Oh, you are all shriners aren't you? Well, I will let you off the hook this time because you guys do a lot of good. Had you been a bunch of Masons, I would have run you all in.
Walking past a Masonic Regalia shop, one of two sisters noticed a sign in the window "OES Parrots for sale."
Curiosity made them enter the shop and inquire "What is this OES Parrot all about?"
The shopkeeper immediately showed them to the back room where there, on a tall perch, was a Parrot, light blue in color. "That’s a Worthy Matron Parrot. She can recite all three degrees word perfect" he said.
“How much” they asked.. "$10,000.00" he said.
"That’s a lot of money" the first sister retorted. "Do you have any other Parrots?”
"Yes", said the shopkeeper. He went in the back and returned with this magnificent dark blue parrot. "This is a Grand Worthy Matron Parrot.” He said, "She can recite all three degrees, run any Grand Session or District Meeting, as well as give Administrative Degrees. She will cost you $25,000.00".
"Goodness", said the sisters, "do you have anything cheaper?"
The shopkeeper disappeared again and returned with this slightly scruffy old bird in dark blue but with gold braid down its wings and on its tail. "This is a Grand Worthy Patron Parrot" he said, "he is only $10.00."
"What does he do" the sisters wanted to know.
"Nothing he just sits there nodding his head and looking at his watch."
A Candidate for initiation was to be picked up and driven to the Lodge, but before this could happen the car broke down.
The Candidate said as no great distance was involved he would go on his bicycle.
Just when he reached the top of the hill his chain broke.
As the Lodge was at the bottom of the other side and all he needed was a back-pedal brake, so he repaired the chain with a cord he had in his pocket and free-wheeled downhill to the Lodge.
Later that evening in reply to a toast in his honour, he said how proud he was to be a Freemason but could not understand, as he had told no one, how the WM knew that he had come on his own free wheel and a cord.
At the monthly Building Company meeting the topic of mice in the Temple came up. Of course several suggestions on how to be rid of them were offered...mouse traps, mouse poison, buy a cat, call an exterminator...etc.
The building manager took all this advice into consideration and it was agreed that at the next meeting he would make a report on his progress.
Sure enough at the next meeting he was questioned by the brothers. "Did you use my idea of a cat? Did you use mine of traps?" Finally he said, "All the mice are gone."
All wanted to know how he had accomplished such a feat. "Well, I swore all the mice in as Master Masons and have not seen them since!"
Question: How many Past Masters does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: Change it? Why? We didn't change it in my year! It was working fine then.