Today our nightmare became a reality, we had to say good bye
to Carol and lay her to rest. It is so unfair, and it's not right. She shouldn't
have been taken from us, she shouldn't have gotten pancreas cancer. I ask what
did she ever do to deserve this, what did we do to deserve to loose her. Was it
that we loved her to much, why do people who hate their parents deserve to keep
them. What did we do wrong? Why do we have to tell our kids that Grandma is
their guardian angel? We all still need her so much. What are we going to do
without her? I keep hearing we will adjust to living without her, but I don't
want to. I want to call her and talk to her, I want visit with her and fall
asleep watching TV.
I don't want to tell my kids that grandma is watching over
them anymore. They prayed so much that she would beat the cancer, why couldn't
their prayers be answered. All they wanted was to have grandma, they are so
unselfish, they don't ask for a lot, didn't they deserve at least this.
I wouldn't say good bye to Carol today, I couldn't. If I say good bye she has to
leave, but if I don't she can't leave. That may be selfish, but why would I want
to say good bye, nobody has given me a good enough reason yet. Telling me that
"She is special and God wanted her" doesn't work either, because that's exactly
why we want her. We know how special she is.
I love you so much Carol.