humorquotes2

"If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then give up.
There's no use in being a damn fool about it." ~W.C. Fields

"A word to the wise isn't necessary, it is the stupid ones who need all the advice."
~Bill Cosby

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." ~Martin, age 10

"America is like a melting pot. The people at the bottom get burned,
and the scum floats to the top." ~Charlie King

"My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right."

"Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday." ~Don Marquis

"A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer."
~Robert Frost

"The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity."
~Frank Zappa

"We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain
the success of those we don't like?" ~Jean Cocteau

"All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening."
~Alexander Woolcott

"A bore is a man who, when you ask him how he is, tells you." ~Bert Leston Taylor

"A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it."
~Bob Hope

"If you cannot convince them, confuse them."

"When I look back at all the crap I learned in high school it's a wonder I can think at all."

"Practice makes perfect - but nobody's perfect, so why practice?"

"I'm not in denial, I'm just selective of the reality I choose to accept." ~Calvin

"Some people are funny. They spend money they don't have,
to buy things they don't need, to impress people they don't like."

"If you don't know where you are going, any road will get you there."

"Don't eat the yellow snow."

"Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?"

"The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live."

"A man needs a good memory after he has lied."

"Consciousness: That annoying time between naps."

"I'd enjoy my day more if it started later."

"I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it."

"If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?"

"Just when I think I can make ends meet, someone moves the ends."

"Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with."

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning,
that's as good as they're going to feel all day."

"Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. 'Yes' is the answer."

"Psychiatrists say that one out of five people are mentally ill.
Think of your four closest friends. If they're okay, then it's you."

"Knowledge is power... but power corrupts... and corruption is a crime... and crime doesn't pay... so if you keep on studying you'll go broke!"

"Life is like a bed of roses. You just have to watch out for the pricks."