humorquotes

"Every girl I know has lockjaw of the legs." ~A Chorus Line

"All I ever wanted was a Barbie Dream House... a place that I could call my own, for me to share my joys and dreams with Barbie. That's when I heard it--those four little words that would haunt me for the rest of my days: IT'S NOT FOR BOYS." ~Conan O'Brien

"I still miss my ex, but my aim is getting better."

"I'd rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints,
the sinners are much more fun." ~Billly Joel

"Maybe if all the politicians out there would just take a few minutes to sit back,
listen to some Dave Matthews Band, and smoke some pot,
maybe the world wouldn't be so fucked up." ~Dave Matthews Band

"I'm a New Yorker! Fear's my life!" ~Rent

"If life is a waste of time and time is a waste of life,
let's all get wasted and have the time of our lives!"

"You can't call people crackheads anymore. They're now called actors in training."
~Jay Leno

"Just what you are I'll spell out, you are a novel pain
One speck of lint that fell out that last time I picked my brain." ~City of Angels

"Picture a flailin' spermatozoan, not even knowin' where he's goin'. What's that ahead, a diaphragm? Screw it! He knows he's dead. My God! He slips through it." ~Baby

"Only the wisest and stupidest of men never change." ~Confucius

"I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I've ever known." ~Walt Disney

"If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?" ~Lily Tomlin

"Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house,
that's what it means." ~George Burns

"A good place to find a helping hand is at the end of your arm."

"Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we've set aside enough money to pay for our kids' therapy." ~Michelle Pfeiffer

"How I see it is that men get one night of pleasure, and we get nine months of putting them through hell and getting away with it." ~Sara Swank

"I wanted to kill the hottest person on Earth.
Then I learned that there were laws against suicide." ~Missy Fruchter

"A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well-known,
then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized." ~Fred Allen

"Don't be so humble--you are not that great." ~Golda Meir

"God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough
blood supply to run both at the same time." ~Robin Williams

"Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want." ~Tori Filler

"Teenager with nose ring, baggy clothing and spiked hair to friend: I don't really like dressing like this, but it keeps my parents from dragging me everywhere they go."

"I knew we were in for a long season when we lined up for the National Anthem on opening day and one of my players said, 'Every time I hear that song I have a bad game.'"
~Jim Leyland

"You've reached middle age when all you exercise is caution."

"Mobile phones are the only subject on which men boast about who's got the smallest."
~Neil Kinnock

"Better to be forgotten than sued." ~Dave Weinbaum

"Some people are alive only because it is illegal to kill them."

"Booze may not be the answer, but it helps you forget the question." ~Lt. Henry Mon