November 9th, 2005: November 1st, 2005: October 30th, 2005: November 4th, 2005: October 15th, 2005: October 15th, 2005: AUGUST 9th, 2005: JULY 31th, 2005: JULY 18th, 2005: JUNE 29th, 2005: JUNE 25th, 2005: JUNE 22nd, 2005: JUNE 8th, 2005:
Hey!!This is where I put up every little thing I've done lately, what's up with me, etc. I thought it took too much space on the main page, so, here it is! :-) I don't know how often I'll get to write but , I'll try to as much as possible...
BREAST CANCER:
Hey!
I love life but let me say one thing: those little "surprises" it has in store aren't always good. My mom just called me. She told she had been keeping a secret from me since September. "What secret mom, what is it?" "I was told I had breast cancer." she said. "Mom? What? Breast cancer? YOU???" I replied. Then I started to cry. That's when she said, "Sweetie, I just had my scan done today and I don't have cancer." What a relief. I am feeling all weird right now. Don't know what it is...I feel like crying. But I don't have any reasons to cry: my mom doesn't have cancer! Yay! Thank God... I don't know, maybe it's because today was absolutely HORRIBLE eating disorder wise... I just realised my operation was on the 14th of November. YAY! But I have to go on a "pre-operation" fast. I can't fast!! I'm afraid it will send me into an infernal spiral downhill. Seriously, I HATE this stupid pre-operation fast. I understand it's needed; otherwise I'll throw up on the operating table...Yikes..
Clear liquids are allowed:
-water;
-pedialyte or things like Gatorade;
-apple juice or grape juice WITHOUT pulp;
-Diet soda only (Diet pepsi/diet coke--Diet Sprite/Diet 7Up;
-Coffee or tea sweetened or not-->but WITHOUT milk/creamer...
Anything else, that is not in the list about is strictly forbidden. ARGH! I'm afraid it will send me in a terrible starvation mode and that I won't be able to get my self out of. Gosh, I've worked so hard to get myself out of this state. Now that I'm finally out of it, I had to, unwillingly get back into it?? Nothing is fair.
"Being True To Myself"...
Being true to ourselves is the only thing that matters. Otherwise we're missing out on life. And, as far as I know, we only live ONCE... I want to address that "false identity" issue that with have with our eating disorder(s). It happened to be today's topic with my therapist. I came to realize that I had no real "sense of self". Basically, I am being all nice, sweet with everyone around, people-pleaser...but when it comes to myself, what "I" want, what "I" like, etc. I'm a still this little girl, lost in this terrifying world, caring and meeting each and everyone's needs/expectations, but unaware of her OWN needs. Believe-me, I am definetly, going to face the issue, head-on!
One thing I know I am good at: being there for people & having the ability to see a "ray" of light at the end of the tunnel. As dark as the situation seems, I always have a strong belief that things will get better. Why? Because things can ONLY GET BETTER!! Right?
Hugs,
Catherine
Happy Halloween!!
Happy Halloween everyone!!! I am not going to put up a costume, obviously, I'm too old for that, but I sure wouldn't mind going trick or treating around here. This neighborhood is packed with mansions, it's unbelievable! I swear, it's crazy! I'm thinking maybe, with such big houses, they are likely to give out plenty of GOOD candies... instead of stupid peanuts... I'm sure they have gummy bears and things like that... YUM! Not much out of the ordinary has been happening latey. It's getting really cold here and my lips are chapped ~ouch~ Anyways, I am hoping I could come up with an excuse to go trick or treating, like, "Hey my lil' sis is in the hospital, I'm trick or treating on her behalf. I know I'm dressed as myself, but gimme some anyways!" <= I am waaaay too shy to do that! See you all later and again, happy halloween!!!
Don't forget to brush your teeth after eating candies! Otherwise you'll get cavities!!!!!
My operation:
OMG! I forgot to tell you something: I will have an operation! I am so scared! Scared to not wake up afterwards!
On October 11th I went to the hospital, to see an ENT specialist (ear-nose-throat). I'm 80% deaf in my left ear. When I was 8 years old, I had a perforated tympanum and had it removed. Why? Because, (I don't know if I told you about that, not sure..) I was born prematurely, I came out of my mother's womb at 24 weeks, instead of after the regular/normal 40 weeks. And, during childhood, I was constantly sick: pneumonia, bronchitis, repeatedly. I think I was in the hospital 75% of my childhood, because I was so constantly ill... And between the ages of 1 and 4 years old, I must have had something like, 140 ear infections. My mom recalls one "episode": I was 4-5 on a week day morning, I was sitting at the kitchen table, eating my rice crispies, and my ear was dark red, which means it was seriously infected with pus. Not really appetizing, sorry, I hope you're not about to have breakfast/lunch/dinner as you read this!!! A long term consequence of repeated ear infections: 15-20 years later, (I was 5, and I'm now 22) you progressively become deaf.
I'm SO SCARED because they had to SHAVE the left side my head. I really did NOT want them to & actually fought with them: "Can't you please put ducktape on the left side of my hair: that way, you won't have to cut my hair!". But they HAD to shave near my left ear -which made me look like a dork- but at least I could HEAR everyone yelling at me,lol!
With all the evolution/new discoveries in the medical field, maybe they have a new way of fixing my tympanum without shaving ? So, on Oct. 11th it was just a regular appointment. Otherwise, I'd be hiding under a gigantic rock nowhere to be found to avoid the terrifying surgery, lol .... I got to the hospital, at 1h45pm for the appointment. Met with the doctor (just general questions.) who after 15 min., sent me to the audiologist (for the audition test). Which took FOREVER. Got in her office at 1:50pm - got out at 3:35pm. I had to pee so very bad! The ENT department closes at 4pm! The audiologist said I really had to do that quick if I wanted to see the doc and pee too. I don't know how I worked that out, but I managed to finally, go to the bathroom and see the doctor after! He told me the obvious: I am, indeed, deaf from my left-ear.
Two weeks after that, I met again with the doctor. We scheduled the operation for this month, on Nov. 14th...Hopefully, everything goes well.
Big hugs,
Catherine
EDS ON TV:
Thanks to Lisa, for letting me know about this show on eating disorders, this Monday, on TLC. It's part of their "Maximum Disclosure" series. Can't wait to see it! And there is also this new series, "Never Too Thin" on Discovery and TLC EITHER Oct. 21 or Oct. 30th. I've gotta call them and ask them when the new series will actually air and I will then tell you. Have a nice week!
After a serious SHITTY period, I'm back!
Hi everyone!
I am doing much better. Sorry I didn't keep up with this journal. All apologies. Been busy busy. I am now watching "Supersize She" on TLC. It's about a woman who's trying to get the title of the BIGGEST woman in the world, as a body-builder. She will attend the most prestigious body-building world championship, the GNC Show of Strength. It's fascinating! I mean, at the beginning she was just this tiny little thing and now she's HUGE. Not fat, muscular! It's impressive. One thing I don't get is why does she have a male voice?...Weird...
Bad thing happen...
As you can read, well, I am still here...which means my trip was cancelled... and I didn't go. Frankly, I was pissed at first. But now, I'm like, "Oh well...Doesn't matter; I'll have other opportunities. It's not the end of the world."
What else is new...?!!??? Mmm...Let's see...OH! Yeah, I went to the pool (the one we have on the appartment complex) here yesterday, for the first time... I still can't believe I was in a bathing suit in front of all those people!It was PACKED, no kidding! It was nice too, because my mom came along and we had fun. We even took pictures, but I'm hesitant about posting them on here. I'll think about it. Who knows, maybe you'll get to see them in the next few weeks...
In an angry mood:
Well this hasn't been the case lately, it's just tonight. See, I am suppose to go to the 
Another one of my many trips ...I'm all excited (rather should I say, I WAS...) My mom just called me and said: "I was thinking to myself, how come Cath can afford to go on vacation, when I always stay here and never go anywhere?" <= 
NOW I feel guilty if I go on my trip.
It's DEFINETLY NOT a matter of being able to "afford" it! I simply happen to get a drive (with Jen and her kids!) which is free (obviously) from here to there, same thing to get back here 
...I'll be staying at a friend's house! That's 0$ to spend for my trip, you know? Thank God,
!
I just feel guilty now. After all, she's the one making 70 000$/year (!!!) And me well, it's more like, 9000$/year!!!!! She sure can afford a trip if she really wanted too!!I didn't tell her that, but when she said this to me, I thought to myself, "Yeah, well, maybe if you didn't drink your money you would be able to go somewhere, huh?" ... Didn't say anything because she would have hung up on me...
Anyways...I just need to get a hold of my friend (in the US.) to see what she has to say about me comin over and stuff...Hope everything okay with all of you!
I was away on holiday!
Hey hey! I'm back! I left on July 7th and just got back.I had about 45989591798 people who tried to contact me. On top of that, I have something like, 157 new emails!!LOL!
The trip went fairly well,despite the fact I had totally forgot that my
cousins are growing up faster than I expected it. For the past 10 years,
every summer vacation was spent with my cousins down at the beach/going
shopping or just getting together... Things didn't turn out quite as
planned...I mean, I had fun, even though my cousins were all going their
separate ways, with their boyfriends/girlfriends.It was kinda cool because,
Friday, we all managed to get together and throw this HUGE party, everyone
was just sooo drunk (me included, can you believe it???)
How quickly can people change in 12 months!! I was in total shock: last
year, they were all teens and all of a sudden, they're all grown up! Jessica
(my cousin, now 18) who, last year, wouldn't go clubbing and here she is,
crawling (literally!!) to reach the door because she was soo drunk at
3:30am. Then there's Phil, acting like he's THE man, who knows it all,
claiming he went out with every girl in town and what-not - even though he
just turned 18...Last year, Phil would run away when we're were talking
about relationships and stuff...Pretty weird, huh?
Having a BLAST!
Jennifer is in town and yesterday I babysat...Kids are SOO cute! Especially the twins! They're now 2 years old and Aww....I asked Gilles (he's 4) how old were his sisters and he said: "Well, they're 2 years old cause they had 2 cakes!" <-- Isn't that SOO Cute??!? He's four & thinks that you age depends on how many cakes you get for your bday!! That's how he understood the whole thing.... I love him! And well, those 2 girls are just adorable! They are already trying to fool me...They were both running around naked (in the middle of a diaper change, they decided to run around!) and I wasn't able to tell them apart, so I grabbed one by the arm and asked "Hey sweetie, what's your name?" "[...]GABY!" ... So, then I catch her sister and say, "What's your name?" "I'm GABY!"... Oh Lord!! It was rather confusing!And even more since the older kids (Remy & Gilles who are only 7 and 4 years old) aren't yet able to tell their sisters apart!
So, then they were one in front of the other singing "Twinkle twinkle little star" and Aubrey is trying to be a lil leader so she yelled at her sister, "That not right, are wwong (wrong), let Aubwee sing it...OOOOKKKay?" ("That's not right, you're wrong, let me sing it, ok?") So now, I was able to tell them apart by then so I grabbed "Aubwee" by the arm, dressed her up and put a lil pink outfit with yellow flowers... As for Gaby, she wore the yellow outfit, with pink flowers. They were gorgeous... They looked at themselves in the mirror and both said at the same time "That ta gweat ideaaaa!We are pweety!" (That's a great idea, we're pretty!) ... They are so funny. I babysat from 9pm (Monday night) til Tuesday (2pm). On Monday night, the girls were in their own little 'twin world', talking in a way I couldn't understand but, from what I saw, it seemed they were having fun together. Next time I go there, I'm soo gonna bring my camera and take pictures of those 2!! Of course I'll take pictures of the four kids as well...
Part from that, well, it's almost 7pm and I just ordered KFC and it was delivered 20 minutes ago and it's yummy!! I love KFC! It's okay to indulge once in a while! That's what I keep telling myself since my food is here...
Did you say Starbucks/Taco Bell/TCBY/Dairy Queen?
I want TACO BELL!!! Right now! It'd be soo good... Why don't we have Taco Bell in Canada?? could they build one, just like they built McDonald's all over the place?? I'm glad that Quebec is becoming more of a 'real' town now. It's on it's way to become a 'real' town, because guess what? They built a "DAIRY QUEEN"! We only have one but hopefully they'll build more all over town...Fingers crossed,:-)!
The more I think about it, the more I think I was just I was born in the WRONG country! Yes! That's the thing!! That's the only explanation here! Born in the wrong country! Oh well...Who knows, maybe I'll marry some rich handsome guy one day and live in Beverly Hills where there are Taco Bell, and Starbucks in astronomic proportions: 1 shop for 2 citizens, almost! 
...
Hanging in There
This is hard...Really hard...I went to my appointment yesterday, found out what my weight was, for the first time. I really begin to see how my mind is TOTALLY wrapped with the whole body image issue! I mean, I knew it was twisted a bit but not THAT much! I got on the scale and I was like, "My guess is I'm like, between 105-120lbs." "OK,let's check this out young lady", said my nurse. "Catherine,you're 43kg.",she said. "What's that in pounds?" I replied. "95." she answered...
Then, she said if there weren't any improvements she'd stop our meetings...But HEY I don't know my weight minute by minute! I'm eating plenty and come on! It's not MY fault if my metabolism suddenly decided to increase! My metabolism doesn't have the habit of telling me things like, "Hey Cath, I'm increasing today and hitting bottom tomorrow!" LOL!! I wish, but nah, things don't quite work that way! Part from that, the pool is opening tomorrow which is exciting...I can't wait...
It's 9pm right now I'm struggling so bad...As I write this, all I can think of is the bathroom (no extra explanations needed, huh? I hope not.) I got up at 4pm and ate quite a bit and now I'm feeling soooo horrible... I've decided I wouldn't act on those obsessive thoughts going through my head...So: even if my stomach feels like it's going to explode well, I *KNOW* that if I give in to temptation and make this quick little trip to the bathroom,I might as well, DIE there, just like this girl
Not glamourous is it?...Okay, so my mission right now is to STAY here, try as much as I can and NOT go to the bathroom..If anyone is online well, come and chat with me, please?!?
Trip to the hospital.
The past 2 days were pretty "hellish":
Friday night: I slept 3 hours...Woke up and ended up working out all day long...
At night, I had 4 apples, mango and a glass of juice. My stress level is at its peek...And then, I completely lost it.
Saturday night: This is not good. I actually didn't sleep, I was too anxious and ended up working out all night long.
This morning I realized I was totally out of control so I went to the hospital and I saw the psychiatrist in the ER and it turned out to be my shrink. To make a long story short, my medication's been adjusted and I'm now on Desyrel. It's suppose to help with anxiety and depression. I am really hoping this will help.
I know, however, that it's not magical here...I'm not THAT stupid!! I just can't believe things got so out of hand..I NEVER spent nights w/o sleep (well, I DID but I was sitting at the computer or something!! NOT SWEATING like crazy, you know?!???
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