About Me: 
The beginning
It all began on a warm sunny summer afternoon of 1998.No, rather should I say that this is not the "beginning", but rather the day is just that I remember:
I'm at home, in my room, reading a book and watching tv.My mom is at work.She finally gets home,with a whole lot of groceries. So,we put things away.I go back to my room.Shortly after,I come back into the kitchen, searching for something to eat.To me,the best thing to eat when it's boiling hot outside, is without a doubt, ICE CREAM! So, I go straight to the freezer.And realize there is in fact,ice cream! So,I say out loud,"Yay!!Mom you're the best!You bought that new 'Cookie Dough' ice cream!Thanks".
The next minute,I'm standing next to the counter,looking in the cupboard for a bowl,then sitting at the table,eating this -oh-so-delicious-treat-ice cream. "Honey! What are you doing?", asks my mom,as she enters the kitchen. "Well, what does it look like I'm doing? I'm eating!!" I answer. "Sweetie,"she says,"I don't want to upset you, but,I really think you should be careful." I say,"What do you mean,careful?As far as I'm concerned,ice cream never hurt anyone!" "That's not what I'm saying,"says my mom,"what I'm saying is,you should slow down on ice cream....I know you.And I know,you won't like yourself, at the end of the summer,if you keep going this way.Right now, I think you look great but,ice cream makes you fat,in the long run, you know." and quickly adds "I'm not saying you're 'fat' but I know how conscious you are about your looks.Just be careful honey." she says."Oh, mom!Come ON!!!"I say...And,as I turn around,I realize she was already gone from the kitchen to her room. Oops..
I will never forget this.Even today,this memory crosses my mind from time to time.I know,however,this is NOT what created my eating disorder.It doesn't happen overnight,obviously.You may read more about my mom, here
For some,that same comment -alone- might have triggered the whole thing.It wasn't quite my case.
It happened to be,somehow,a difficult time for me...It was summer,school was over,everthing was fine!But to me,I felt like a complete idiot...You see,I hadn't pass my 8th grade and I couldn't stop beating myself up over it.Being extremely sensitive and also quite perfectionnist,all I could think of was "I'm just so dumb,I can't do anything right!Whatever I do,things end up going wrong,or worse!"...
I was studying in a very good school.It was a private school,an all-girl school.There,girls were given the car of the year for their 15th birthday,had 2 condos in FL,their parents were all very successful.Studies have shown that private schools students were much more competitive,driven and that there were,in private schools,a much higher incidence of eating disorders.I can attest that.Read more about my school here
I think the fact that I was constantly surrounded by those: pretentious girls,coming from wealthy families,the pressure to be "perfect",in every aspect of life.My environment was very competitive and driven,to be successful,to look perfect,to have the perfect grades, etc...It was simply too much.Having always been very sensitive to everything,well,how could I have not been affected?That,I don't know... After that summer,school started and then "trouble" began.I was having trouble in my studies...I felt like I wasn't working hard enough. Uncounsciously,this thought crossed my mind:"Okay,maybe I'm not as wealthy as they are,as good in school as they are but,maybe,I can be as THIN as they are!" Road To Hell Somewhere along the way,my weight/my appearence became even MORE of an issue.So,I decided to lose weight.Added to the all-or-nothing/black and white thinking,it's kind of easy to figure out what happened next.I can be very stubborn though...They say it's a good thing but depending on the person's other personality traits,it may not always be a good thing....
Boarding Schools: Hot-Beds for Eating Disorders: I walked in the restrooms,and how suprised I'd been to see one of the girls,getting out of the cabin,eyes all red and watery.I asked her if she was alright, "Hey Amy,are you alright,want me to go get the staff??" I asked "DON'T YOU EVER DO THAT!" she replied. At the time, I didn't know what I know now about EDs ~didn't even know that it existed, or anything!~...Back at home,I found myself thinking about Amy, and what I'd seen.. At first,I thought she was crazy,but then I tried it myself..I thought, "Amy did this and so she will not get fat, so, maybe I could try it?Just once?Wouldn't hurt,huh?".If only I knew how addicting this would become...It wasn't too long after a few months of taking trips to the bathroom after a 5 carrot sticks,or after this sub,or that small frie from McDonald's,that I realized it had taken a total toll on me.It felt almost like,it had a life of it's own! And I COULD NOT GET OUT OF IT!Then,shortly after that,she asked me to come into her room so we could talk.That's when I heard about her struggle with bulimia and how horrible and fat she felt.I didn't say how,when she was crying uncontrollably on my shoulder,I felt the exact same way... Back Home: I'll always remember this evening when my mom had gone out, and I had put on: leggings with my skiing pants, 4 shirts with my warmer shirt on, with my scraf AND my TUQUE on. Putting the heat at its highest degree possible, and doing situps. My room had turned into a real SAUNA! So, what? I couldn't careless! Stubborn as I was -and have always been- I was ready to work the pounds off, melt them away. Then, without me noticing, too engrossed in my workout - which I thought, was a pretty clever way to lose weight and was secretly proud of and hoped no one had found this method!!- my mom was standing at my door, looking at her daughter, who seems to be completely on another planet, working out like a manic.
"ARE YOU CRAZY??WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?",she yelled.
From that moment it seemed very clear that her daughter was on the road to crazyness if she wasn't there already... I don't think it's a necessity to elaborate on the next years because,really,it's all about: throwing up,starving til you black out. Not too interesting...I can however talk about my last year of school 2001,last year of school: I decided I had had enough of private school and I went to one of our town's public school.I was hovering just a little about 100lbs then and still,as stubborn and driven -as ever-, wanted to lose weight.I was studying like crazy and running on too little sleep.Maintaining my 4.0 average of course! HARD TIMES Now,what? I'm NOT better. I'm NOT 'recovered' because I believe this condition takes time to become full-blown,it takes time to get completely over it!But I'm working on it.There are good and bad days.
My body-image? I'd rather not think about it. I'm sitting here writing this and I have to say, that I'd rather not think about it, because I've spent WAY too much time obsessing over it and it's all too easy to fall back into the trap...I'm,somehow, 'out of the mirror',so to speak.But it would be SO easy to go back..But that's taking the easy way out and I'll refuse to do that. Whenever I have this, "Gosh-I'm-fat-oh-no-what-I-am-gonna-do?" kind of thought,I do something.I just distract myself: watching tv, going on the internet,working on things,etc.I noticed that, since I started the petition, I've never felt so happy!It's true!If I'm working on it and if I ever have to talk about it or something,I HAVE TO BE ALIVE, right?? Not sure they'll want to ask questions to someone who isn't THERE! But on a more pratical level,it's up to me. But I'm not trying to simplify it by saying, "Oh yeah,I went to hell and back!I'm alright,all better now!" No,I can't say that,because that would be a lie! I could go on forever with the complications I'm having but I'll stop here for now.I'm telling you:
Being in therapy and dealing with the underlying issues usually does bring on a relapse and at times the eating disorder can go out of control. It's really hard sometimes and I just feel like giving into the ED but I know deep down inside,that it is not an approriate way to deal with things and in fact, it makes me feel even worse! So?...But, to be honest,it's easier said than done! Big changes in my life totally freak me out, and that, mixed with BPD and OCD and SI, well, makes me feel like, I'm a nutcase at some point!I'm lucky enough to have a strong support system and to be surrounded by the love of my friends and family,that way,it's easier for me.I must say that being with all those people is VITAL for me, in the sense that,without them, I'd be nuts by now! Food issue is my addiction, and I believe I'll struggle with it for the rest of my life.Having said that,I think it's going to be a much easier struggle,but it does take time to heal...
How did it have an impact on me:
Having to repeat my 8th grade, feeling like a complete fool...And mixed with my personnality:I think I was and am, an extreme people pleaser,secretly wishing to loved by everyone,the need to be accepted from the world and "love at all costs",etc.This definetly played a role in all of this.I felt inadequate,felt like I needed to measure up,but that is me,those are traits that I came with...So,here,I think personality as well,as my environment did play a role in all of this:it did not cause it,but it's got something to do with it...
I,after a few months,began to be more counscious of my weight and the way I looked.An important thing to note is,I have ADHD,which stands for Attention Deficit-Hyperactivity-Disorder.So,at the time,I was given Ritalin.This is a drug that works on the CNS,and helps to lower hyperactivity in the brain.Then, making it possible for the individual to concentrate and focus on things.Taking this medication,really helped me.One thing very few people know,one of the side-effects is to suppress your appetite,at least in the beginning.I didn't know that at this point...All I wanted to do was to SUCCEED and MAKE IT!
This,sadly, happens to be true.I'm not saying it's the case with every single boarding school...but where I was,the environment and competitiveness made it easier for people to get eating disorders,well,those who were prone to them then others. However,coming back home on weekends was triggering.I would go through binges and then being so angry with myself,I'd actually bang my HEAD on WALLS, and at one point, being so high on adrenaline,it made a pretty big bump in the wall.My mom,working full-time,wasn't aware of this.Then,I remembered, how, a few weeks ago, at the boarding school...
1999-2001:The next few years were pretty chaotic. My mom, decided to remove me from boarding school,so that I could come home and we'd spend more time together. I happily agreed. The idea of losing weight was still on my mind.I was now at home, so I had more control on my eating. The thing was, at boarding school staff kept such an eye on us, they could tell how many times one had gone to the washroom in 30 minutes! At home, my mom decided she'd go on a diet. I felt in competition with her. Not too great...
So, being at home, I had the freedom to, make my lunch, and put throwing it into the trash when getting to school. Easy! So, then why not fooling mom and waking up earlier, walk out of my room, make breakfast going back into my room to workout?
That's when all the *real* trouble began.All of a sudden,I was facing those rules: eating dinner with my mom,eating breakfast with her,no escape.No way out,no exit at all.My mom,with whom I had always had a nice relationship,the closeness we had, all of a sudden, was gone. My mom became the evil one who, *in my mind* forced me to eat and insisted that I ate,watching me...I was trapped.And,not to mention,I wasn't allowed to have just a piece of toast,no butter,nothing.No.Breakfast had to be sustaining and HEALTHY.
"If you stop eating you lose weight."
...And that's basically what I did.I was still something around, 125 pounds. I began cutting down at breakfast, eating lunch and having a bowl of raw veggies with 15ml of low fat dressing. My mom, unable to keep going this way, seeing her daughter wasting away at her sight, put me into a youth center, so that I had a month, to get over my 'i-don't-wanna-eat' thing. Yeah right!! You bet! There, I'd eat, a normal meal and go out and go at the gas station restrooms, and puking my guts out, so that I'd feel safe again. Helping,huh?
"I'm okay, I'm just... huh... nothing. what are YOU doing here, in MY room?" I asked, startled.
"Unless you had forgotten, young lady, I am your MOTHER, and I will not tolerate this in MY HOUSE" she said. "If you want to kill yourself", she added,"get yourself an appartment where you'll workout the way you're doing now and I won't witness this shit!", she said.
And...I was actually bringing my SCALE to school,hiding it in my school bag or in my locker in another bag,so I could weigh myself during lunch time,after an excessive hour of studying or walk on school grounds.
I tried to kill myself in October of 2002,ending up at the ER weighing at most,85lbs which caused me to meet with TONS of shrinks and doctors.Besides eating disordered, what are the other things:BPD,Depression,and mania.Well,mania has always been a little obvious,but BPD and depression came out when I tried to kill myself and almost succeeded at it.And was all too sad to have missed it...
I AM HAPPY TO STILL BE ALIVE! I'm living on my own. And I like it.It'll be almost 1 year since I moved in and I think it's a good thing I'm no longer living with my mom. At the worst of this, we were literally at each other's throat, swearing,yelling,and worse.We were all tensed and our reactions weren't either approriate or helpful and it became so unhealthy,that I really had no other option than moving out..-or her kicking me out,as we could say-.
Looking back,I think it's been a good thing that we live separately. All those triggers it involved for both of us...Moving out wasn't easy,but yet, our survival depended on it!!
Today,I can say,about all of this, that it's NOT worth it.And the ED mindset is completely unbearable...I wouldn't even want my worst enemy to have to go through that.It's a life of LIES.All those lies,not only was I lying to others, but most importantly,to MYSELF!
Right now, I'm 'okay'.I'm am in no way "cured", "recovered", or anything.I'm still struggling with this daily.And,let me tell you: IT SUCKS.The gun's always the table,I can always pick it up but there's no need too!I mean,it's really up to me. I'm making the decision: "HOW DO I WANT TO LIVE MY LIFE??".
Living your life is one thing ~~ Feigning life is another one.
I mean,it has taken me so long and such hard work to get to this point that I think I'd rather stay where I am right now,when it comes to body-image, because it'd be SO much HARDER to have to go through it all over again and going back to square one...
We can't escape our past...Why? Because it always "haunts" us, in a way.We can't escape it,but we can look forward,our head up, making the changes needed in order to improve our lives,and make it interesting and exciting.
Everyday I have to remind myself some things I'd rather completely erase but they're always lurking in the back of my mind, for example:
-I wake up and have my heart pounding."Cath,that's because your heart muscle is weak and old!"
-I have poor circulation and my fingers get white even when it's 85 degrees.<= it gets all numb and it HURTS SO MUCH when it goes all to normal, the little "defrosting process" as I call it."Cath that's a permanent result from starving your body!"
-I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom,getting dizzy and "ooooops!" here I go,going straight to the floor!"Cath,that's due to orthostatic hypotension!" <= which is sudden drop in blood pressure upon sitting up or standing.Symptoms include dizziness,blurred vision,passing out, heart pounding and headaches.And it happens without warning...
