March 29, 2002.
HKIFF, Easter and Lone Gunman...
Sorry guys for not posting for some time again. I was really caught up by other stuff in life and never felt like writing a piece. But I promise I'll try my best to write more in the next few months.
I've been through a very difficult period of my life these few weeks. I was in the middle of a turmoil, which was actually childishly created by myself. I never stood firm of my POV and so it happened. After the whole thing, I looked back and could see how stupid and childish I was and how much I have caused troubles to the others.
The problem is whether I should treat society affairs seriously or not. I complained about the others because of small errors they've made. To me, because I treat them seriously, so I think these are inexcusable mistakes. But others all said, well, take it easy. It's just a small mistake. Now I know why all things happened. Simply because I treated it seriously (or a bit too much), while the others treat the affairs as casual stuff. Now I think the way to solve it is to take it easy and don't take serious POV in seeing the society affairs. Dunno if it's a good thing or not. But since I was the only one who takes the stuff seriously, I think I should change my attitude to accommodate the others... not that I feel good about it...
And that made me think about myself again. Now I doubt that I might be a perfectionist for taking the small errors too seriously... But I'm never a perfectionist, I'm so sure about it...
I never feel like this. These few weeks I always feel tired and don't feel good about myself. Time is always running short for me to finish my works but I never have the initiative to do so. My textbooks and novels are all stacked up on my desk (they're on my desk instead of on the shelf is because I picked them, read a few pages and put them down again), waiting for me to pick them up and read them, but I just don't have the energy to do so. I feel like shit again and it's been longest period of feeling like it.
I have always been a lone gunman in my life. I share my thoughts and feelings with myself only and this time when I shared it with the others, problems occurred. I think that's the reason why I stayed that way in the past. People around me are fine, but I just feel like sharing views with them. I keep myself to myself so life would go on easier. Sometimes I listened to Eason Chan's song which describes this guy who's always alone when he does stuff and I feel like he's singing about me. But the lyrics are paying sympathy to this guy. No. A lone gunman is not lonely. He can do whatever he likes to do and don't care whether his company is available to do it with him. I know this sounds very inward, but I believe this is one way to live in a disastrously populated society like Hong Kong.
And I guess that's why I never fall in love with anyone in my life. I never need a company to do stuff and in a way I guess that's what boyfriend/girlfriend is for.
My initiatives of everything is gone. I'm always crazy about the HK Int'l Film Festival but this year, I didn't spend much time in checking the programs. But I do get my love back and bought several tickets to see some film with my friend and myself. Things are getting better. Hope it'll be the same again.
Easter holiday starts today in HK and I'll have like 10 days off. But during this time, I still got loads to do, I hope that through working, my love and initiative and passion will come back to me.
P.S. After proofreading, I realize that it's difficult to read this piece. I guess it's because I just wrote whatever came to my mind and the above is a pure thought of myself. But hope it doesn't make you confused.