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When will the insanity stop??? What drives someone to do something so horrible??? This ribbon will remain on my page in honor of all the innocent victims who lost their lives on 4/16/07

Many people don't understand what depression is or even believe there is such a thing. As a person who lives with depression on a daily basis I would like to tell you parts of my story. While there will be those who will feel that I am doing this to bring shame to them and those who will think I am making the whole damn thing up, if this writing helps just one person then it will be worth the effort that was put in to it. PLEASE, if you see yourself or someone you love in what you read, don't just sit idly by. Seek help!!!

In most cases, depression is caused by a chemical imbalance. Many times this chemical imbalance is hereditary. Other times it is caused by things such as an accident or stroke. If untreated or under treated it can cause life to become a living hell for the person living with it. I refer to living with depression as being on a never ending roller coaster ride because there are so many ups and downs that come along with the disease.

I had suffered from depression for years but was unwilling to admit it to myself or anyone else. In 1997, I went for my yearly physical for work. I told the doctor that I was having difficulty sleeping. Sleep was something I was always good at. Once I managed to get to sleep, I had no trouble staying asleep. The problem came when I tried to wake up. However, now I could not even manage to stay asleep. I would fall asleep only to wake up after a couple of hours and not be able to get back to sleep. When I told the doctor this he started asking me a series of questions. I remember wondering what any of them had to do with my sleep problem. After what seemed like forever the doctor finally told me that my problem was depression. He prescribed an antidepressant and a sleeping pill. My days of denying my problem were over. I finally had to admit that I was another freak in the world and not the strong person I had always tried to be.

On the way back to work from my physical I called my husband and told him what the doctor had said. I was in tears. He was worried that he had done something to cause the problem. I assured him that he did nothing to cause this.

Read more about my life with depression.

Blessed are the cracked:
For it is they who let in the light!

I'm so cracked I blind myself!!!

The image below is of a poem I wrote one day at work. It was a day just like any other day since my husband left, dark, dreary, hopeless. These words kept going through my mind so when I went on break I put them on paper.

Please sign this guestbook for the miners who died at the Sago Mines.

It's hard to believe it's been 20 years since the Space Shuttle Challenger blew up. I will never forget where I was when I heard the news. My husband was in the Army. We were stationed in Germany. I was standing in the kitchen preparing supper. I had turned to watch the launch and saw the explosion. My oldest daughter, JeanneMarie was 2 1/2 at the time. I started crying as soon as the shuttle exploded. Jeanne told me over and over again, "It's ok Mommy, they're ok." How I wish she'd have been right.

I've had to make a very difficult decision. If anyone saw my old page you will know that I am the proud owner of a 1978 Camaro. I had always dreamed of owning a Camaro and several years ago we bought one. My husband was planning on restoring her for me. Since he is divorcing me that won't be happening. I've come to realize that I have to sell my car. I haven't been able to drive her for a few years due to not having the money for engine work. During the time she's sat idle her paint has started to peel and fade and she's starting to rust. It breaks my heart to think of that car just sitting in the driveway falling apart. I now have to cry my way through writing an ad to sell my dream car. I only hope that I can find a buyer who will restore her and take care of her. Someone who will love her as much as I do. Wish me luck in my search.

Medal courtesy of Ron Fleischer

I proudly display this medal in honor of the members of my family who served their Country. These family members include my Father, my brother and my sister.

This tree will remain on my page until each and every Service Member returns home from a foreign land.

This page is dedicated to the memory of my friend and co-worker Bobby Beasley
Added 2/25/06

This page is dedicated to the memory of our friend and fellow law enforcement family member Deputy John Rotz

Excellence is never an accident;
It is always the result of high intention,
determined effort, and skilled execution.

The gem cannot be polished without friction,
nor the man perfected without trials.
-Chinese Proverb-

A lesson for all you young girls out there. If a guy tells you he'll love you forever, no matter what, run fast, in the opposite direction!!! There is NO such thing as forever and no matter what DOESN'T exist either. The ONLY place either of these things exist is in Fairy Tales and life ISN'T a Fairy Tale!!! Take it from someone who found out the hard way!!!

A little info about me. I'm a 40 something divorced female from West Virginia. My husband divorced me because I suffer from depression and he said he couldn't handle the rollercoaster ride anymore. He doesn't believe there is such a thing as depression.
We have two daughters and one Grandson.
I haven't seen my grandson since Christmas Eve 2005. I've been told I will never be allowed to see him again. I'm sure he's forgotten me by now as he was only 2 months old, but I will NEVER forget him. Alex, Grandma loves you!!!

For anyone who doesn't believe there is such a thing as depression, please go to Depression Hurts. Maybe you'll get a slight understanding of what it's like for those of us dealing with it. It really is no fun, it can ruin your life. Ask me, I know, it destroyed my marriage. Thanks to my doctors and the help of a counselor I am slowly getting better.

I love it when people think they are so slick that they'll use a spoofing tool and no one will know. They don't realize they're doing me a favor. My page will soon be the most popular on Geocities. Thanks guys, I appreciate the help. Wow, thanks to my good friends I have more hits in one day than I've had in all the years this page has been online. Thanks, I really appreciate you helping me out this way. It will help me win the award I'm going for.

I'd like to thank my friends for helping me win the $500.00 award I was going for. With their help I might be able to win the next stage too.

The following are some sayings that I like. Some I say, some I got from quit messages on IRC.

It's worse to be one who tells a lie, than to be the one who believes it. What's even worse is to believe the lies YOU tell.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
Knowledge is gained by learning; trust by doubt; skill by practice; and love by love
If life is but a dream then someone needs to wake me up because sometimes I feel like I'm in a nightmare.
We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then, is not an act but a habit.
Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for a while and leave footprints in our hearts. And we are never the same.
Always remember to Live, love and laugh today, for tomorrow, it may all end.
In a mad world only the sane are crazy!
This means I'm sane because people always tell me I'm crazy.
You live, you love, you lose, you learn, and one day you might even laugh.
Distance never separates two hearts that really care...For memories span the miles...and in seconds, we are there.
If you have nothing to die for, then you have nothing to live for!
Always cherish and protect family and friends, for without them we are nothing but empty shells.
The great tragedy of life is not that men perish, but that they cease to love.

Dreams are for those that don't give up..Don't let shadows keep your heart in the dark.
You must be careful of what you pretend to be!!! Because in the end you ARE what you pretend to be!!!
This means I'm going to be skinny again!!!
Don't laugh at me, I've lost over 60lbs in 9 so


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