Another Fruity Saga
by Phantom (phantom1313 at tfrid dot com)
Warning: This satire contains thinly inferred sexual material and general grossness. Be prepared, this is rather disgusting! It's not meant to be a titillating smut story, it's intentionally gross.
In case you didn't know, fruitiness is used as a synonym for gayness. No offense is meant to homosexuals -- it was just too much fun to make the Joes gay! The fruity couples were paired up randomly through a game, and the combinations are rather entertaining! Snow Serpent was chosen to impersonate Snake-Eyes because Snakes was my favorite character, and since at the time I had no figure of him, so the Snow Serpent made a good substitute. The similar appearance prompted the idea for this satire.
* * * * *
"Hahahahaha!" The maniacal laughter echoed through the halls of the secret Cobra base. Cobra Commander rubbed his palms together in anticipation. This was the best plan he had come up with yet!
"Y-you wished to see me, Commander?" stammered a cowering figure.
"Ah, Snow Serpent. I have a mission for you. You are to infiltrate G.I. Joe headquarters posing as the commando, Snake-Eyes. This way you will learn all the Joe's secrets! Intelligence reports from our best operatives determine that Snake-Eyes is on leave. Don't forget -- Snake-Eyes is a mute, so don't utter a word. You will leave at once and report to me as you uncover any secret plans the Joes are making. Any questions?"
"Uh, yes, almighty Commander. Shall I be fruity?"
Cobra Commander, who was straight himself, pondered this inquiry with disgust. "Hm. Nearly all the Joes are fruits. The exceptions are the four females, and, of course, Storm Shadow. I don't know about Snakes in particular, but he's likely to be fruity. Yes, play the role of a fruit. That shouldn't be too difficult, judging your shameful behavior with Cesspool. Dismissed."
* * * * *
"Snake-Eyes! What are you doing back so soon?" exclaimed General Hawk, commander of the G.I. Joe team. "I thought you were on leave for another week."
Snow Serpent opened his mouth to reply, but remembered just in time that his character couldn't speak. He gestured with his hands that he had come back early to prepare for the next time that Cobra attacked. Hawk looked dubious, but he accepted the story.
Snow Serpent looked around. No one else was there, except for Hawk and another Joe, Rock 'N Roll. Hawk's fly was unzipped, and it suddenly became clear what the relationship was between the two Joes.
Rock 'N Roll said, "All your pals are at the fruity bar. They're probably having a wild time."
Snow Serpent decided that he would go there and try to find out some secrets.
* * * * *
"Hey, it's our old buddy, Snake-Eyes!" greeted Lifeline as the imposter stepped into the fruity bar. The medic was sitting hip-to-hip with Shipwreck. Snow Serpent waved to them and headed towards the rear.
"Aw, Chuckles, don't worry. You'll see your Crimson Guardsman soon." As he got closer, Snow Serpent saw Red Dog consoling a large man in a loud floral Hawaiian shirt, who appeared to be an escapee from Hawaii Five-O.
Snow Serpent decided to prove himself to the Joes. He sat down on the mat next to the two Joes and put his arm around Chuckles.
Chuckles turned and gasped when he saw who it was. "Snake-Eyes!" he cried out. "What's wrong with you? You've never been fruity before, and I thought you never would!"
"No, I just--" Snow Serpent realized his mistake too late.
"It's an imposter!" yelled Red Dog, ripping off Snow Serpent's mask. The Cobra agent raced for the door, vaulting over Lifeline and Shipwreck being fruity on the mat. He jumped into a nearby car with the keys conveniently left in the ignition and hastily made his escape.
* * * * *
"Cobra Commander doesn't sound too pleased," commented Cesspool to Snow Serpent. They were hiding in a secret niche in the hallway.
"Yeah, I goofed in a major way. He won't care that I was following his orders; he'll find a way to punish me. But that doesn't matter right now." The two quickly forgot the screeches of their commander as they got involved in their fruity activities.
Snake-Eyes returned from his leave to find General Hawk waiting for him with a shopping bag from the local dress shop. His commander quickly informed him of the imposter. "By the way," Hawk added, "you get to wear this sexy new dress I bought you!"**
Chuckles was passing by and heard the screams. He commented to Red Dog, "Guess Snakes is back, and I gather from the torturous screams from Hawk that he bought our resident commando a new frock!"
The Fruity End
**explanation of Snake-Eyes' dress:
In the episode The Pyramid of Darkness, Snake-Eyes and Shipwreck were trying to escape Cobra territory and needed disguises. A sympathetic singer, Satin, offered them clothes, and one of the only available options was a dress. Shipwreck said, probably putting his life at great risk, "Here, Snake-Eyes, you take the dress!" Even Timber, Snakes' wolf, barked his approval. Later on, the trio was ordered to perform. Shipwreck played the sax in a hideous outfit, Satin sang some strange song, and Snake-Eyes came out dancing in a dress and blonde wig! It was one of the funniest scenes in a G.I. Joe episode I had ever seen!
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