Warning: this satire contains thinly inferred sexual material and general grossness. Be prepared, this is rather disgusting! It's not meant to be a titillating smut story, it's intentionally gross.
In case you didn't know, fruitiness is used as a synonym for gayness. No offense is meant to homosexuals -- it was just too much fun to make the Joes gay! In the Fruity Saga series, only the Joe and Cobra Ninjas, all the women, and Cobra Commander are straight. It's more fun to have characters that are disgusted by the rampant fruitiness! The characters in this story are based on whatever action figures we had in the time, plus a few new characters thrown in for fun. The fruity couples were paired up randomly through a game, and the combinations are rather entertaining!
Narrator: Shipwreck walks along singing a fruity swabee song.
Lifeline: Hey, Shipwreck, it's time for your physical!
Shipwreck: My daily physical! I can hardly wait!
Lifeline: Let me check for fungus. (Don't ask. The visual picture should be disgusting enough.)
Narrator: After they get fruitily disgusting, Lifeline visits his father, who was a preacher, but is now an astronaut. (Hey, I had an astronaut figure sitting around) They have recently made up after a feud concerning Lifeline's work in the army. (episode: Second-Hand Emotions)
Dad: Son, I'm so glad you're dating that rich girl, Brittany. (episode: The Million-Dollar Medic)
Lifeline: Dad, there's something I have to tell you.
Dad: Aw, shucks, son. You can tell me anything.
Lifeline: Well, if the ban on gays in the military isn't lifted, I'll be out of a job. Dad, I've gone fruity.
Narrator: Lifeline's dad is so furious that he blasts off using the power of his own anger. He lands on the moon, where he preaches to the moon craters against fruitiness.
Lifeline finds his lover and they head for the fruity bar nearby, where they have floor mats instead of chairs. They walk inside and are greeted by many of their fruity friends.
Dr. Mindbender: Hey, you fruity twosome, pull up a couple of mats and join us.
Raptor: I'm sure you'll be pleased to know that Mindey has no fungus.
Raptor's bird: *screech screech* [attacks Raptor]
Shipwreck: What was that all about?
Raptor: He's angry that he has a fruity owner. Well, he'll just have to get used to it.
Shipwreck: We'll go and lay with the others back there. Bye, you fruits! (our favorite line)
Hawk: Hey, it's the fruity pair! Come lie down with us.
Lifeline: Rock 'N Roll, what happened to your thumbs? (My Rock 'N Roll figure is missing its thumbs)
Rock 'N Roll: Oh, that. Storm Shadow cut them off when I tried to make a pass at him. He screamed, 'I'm straight, I tell you, straight!' and performed an amputation.
Shipwreck: That's terrible!
Lifeline: I'm not in the mood for a drink anymore. Let's find a place where we can be alone.
Narrator: The twosome hurries outside to find a private place. They happen upon an abandoned water tower and eagerly rush inside.
Storm Shadow: What is the meaning of this? How dare you come into my secret hideout!
Lifeline: We need a place to be fruity together.
Storm Shadow: Well, you won't find it here!! I'm straight, I tell you! Straight! Now get out!
[Shipwreck and Lifeline yell "fruity!!!" as they hurry off into the darkness] (just a funny part of the dialogue that we made up)
Narrator: The two hurry out. There is a knock on the side of the water tower.
Fruity Joe: (a character we made up, using a generic soldier action figure) Storm Shadow, I need help, but I'm not like Springer. (big inside joke, see the end for an explanation)
Storm Shadow: Come in, my friend Fruity Joe. I'm straight, you know.
Fruity Joe: Yeah, I know. Help me, please! I can't help it! I think I'm going fruity!
Storm Shadow: Resist the urge, Fruity. You're straight like me. Straight!
Fruity Joe: I -- I can't help it! Storm Shadow, I want you!
Storm Shadow: No, I'm straight!
Fruity Joe: I'd better go. I'm sorry it has to end this way. [fruity!]
Narrator: At the Cobra headquarters, there's more going on than plans to conquer the world!
Chuckles: Mmm, Crimson Guardsman, I just love your voice. It sounds just like Shipwreck's parrot, Polly. (Yes, we gave the CG a horrible voice!)
Crimson Guardsman: We'd better be discreet. We don't need Cobra Commander discovering us. There's no telling what he'll do!
Sergeant Slaughter: I hate Cobras!
Naugehyde: I know. (That doesn't stop them!)
Narrator: Smooch, smooch! Meanwhile, at the docks, Shipwreck has stepped out on to the Cobra hydrofoil (the only vehicle I had) and drifted out to sea.
Shipwreck: I won't drown! I won't drown! (a scene from Second-Hand Emotions) Hey, there's a fruity couple aboard!
Evil Thing: (a random figure I had that came with some weird gadget) Let me check for fungus with my gadget.
Red Dog: You're too kind, Evil Thing.
Evil Thing: No fungus here. Let me check manually.
Narrator: Shipwreck steers the boat towards a lovely tropical fruity island reserved for fruits only.
Island Official: Let me see your fruity ID's.
Shipwreck: Ew, Evil Thing! I'll have Red Dog.
Narrator: They prove their fruitiness by having intercourse with each other and are admitted to the island. Evil Thing isn't allowed to come because he's too vile. The official informs them that some of their fruity pals have checked in on the island and shows them to their friends' bungalow.
Red Dog: Wow! Look at all this recycling crud! (Yeah, it's the Eco-Warriors)
Blowtorch: Waah! Clean Sweep won't let me have a cigarette because it emits poisonous gases!
Clean Sweep: I just don't want you throwing your fruity life away, Blowtorch!
Blowtorch: Oh well, it was hazardous to my health anyway! If my job is to put out fires, I shouldn't be the cause of one!
Narrator: Shipwreck and Red Dog wave goodbye to their friends and head toward the next cabin. It is occupied by Cesspool and a Snow Serpent, making fruity love in a pile of toxic sludge.
Red Dog: How can you make love in that disgusting sludge?! It stinks!
Cesspool: It's really squishy, but it's a real turn-on!
Narrator: Shipwreck and Red Dog exchange looks.
Shipwreck: Too bad Lifeline's not here!
Red Dog: Evil Thing may be vile, but he's not a bad lover! Too bad he's not here either!
Narrator: They decide to try it out, and they have a wonderful time rolling around and having fruity intercourse in it!
Storm Shadow is bored. His friend, Snake-Eyes, has gone away on leave, and everyone else is too fruity to even consider socializing with! But wait; Scarlett was still here!
Storm Shadow: Hi, Scarlett, I thought you'd left.
Scarlett: You must be lonely with all those fruity geeks around, Stormy. I'll fix that.
Narrator: The two quickly become occupied, but what's this? Snake-Eyes has returned!
Snake-Eyes: ...........! [he attacks his sword brother, Storm Shadow] (Snake-Eyes is mute, and the comic occasionally used dotted lines to indicate some kind of grunt or response)
Moral- Don't join G.I. Joe; you'll either become fruity or be pursued by fruits!
** explanation of "I need help, but I'm not like Springer."
Apologies to MaryAnn, our own talented Springer, but this is a rather old and strange inside joke. Talyn and I had only seen the Transformers episodes available in video stores, plus the movie, so we had little to go on when we made up our own little twisted Transformers universe. Ratchet (christened 'Medic' because we didn't know his name at first), her favorite character, had a crush on Arcee (yes, I know that the two were never even shown together in the show) but she was interested in Springer. We didn't even give her involvement with Roddy a thought. :) Ratchet started a vicious rumor that Springer needed help desperately but never said what kind of help or for what. Since it was our universe, none of the characters questioned this strange logic and simply accepted it, even Springer himself! He just became a pathetic wimp, whimpering "I need help!" There was even a special help hotline set up for him! Everyone scorned him and his mysterious need for help, and Arcee abandoned him for Ratchet. But, according to MaryAnn, while Springer may need help, but Ultra Magnus is beyond help! :Dreturn to Phantom's Fanfic Archive