Please forgive me! This time I've gone off the deep end. This story isn't about smut, Transformers, or sci-fi at all! It's a weird little story that popped into my head a few weeks ago. I was able to successfully ignore it until I saw a great Simpsons rerun where a German company buys Mr. Burns' nuclear power plant. God, I love that episode! I was rolling on the floor. There's a scene where Homer takes a mental trip through a chocolate wonderland, and after that I couldn't rest until I got this short little fic out of my head (groveling for forgiveness). Much of this story is based on actual events, but I'm fairly sure you all will be able to pick out where the fantasy begins. :)

Becky in the Black Forest

by Phantom (phantom1313 at tfrid dot com)

"Aw man, aren't we *ever* going to get there?" I whine as we trudge up and up and up.

"Sure we will," Erin reassures me. "It has to be around here somewhere."

"I don't get it," I grumble. "Where could they possibly hide a castle up here?"

"Well, the castle is in ruins and the trees tend to be a bit thick up here," Kerri tells me with infinite patience. How does she manage to stay so calm? Her long braid, stretching nearly down to her waistband, bounces as we hike further up the Black Forest mountains perched ominously in the city of Heidelberg.

I am not in a good mood. And when I am not in a good mood, I don't bother to keep it a secret. "My feet hurt, I'm cold, I'm so hungry I could eat a house, and still the castle's not in sight! We've gotten turned around so many times I scarcely know which way is up."

Erin, my roommate for one and a half years, takes my whining with good humor. "Don't worry, it's got to be around here somewhere. We saw all those tour buses, didn't we?"

"I guess so," I sigh, "but all I see now are private homes and a single, narrow, winding road. This is crazy."

Suddenly a scent wafts to me. I have no idea why I detect it, since my sense of smell isn't phenomenal, but the divine odor beckons to me. "Mmm... chocolate," I murmur in a Homer-like voice and wander off through the trees. Surprisingly, Kerri and Erin are unconcerned and continue their trek.

I follow the scent trail until I catch a glimpse of pink. Heading for the flash of color, I step into a clearing and begin to drool. I stand transfixed for a moment, taking in the gorgeous sight before me. Smack in the middle of the Black Forest (well, alright, just on the tip) someone had been insane or hungry enough to construct a small cottage made entirely of candy! The crescendo from Tchaikovsky's Romeo and Juliet (y'know, the romantic refrain) plays as I slowly waltz across the yard to the scrumptious abode, skipping and pirouetting unnecessarily. I hurry up the porch steps and shimmy up the support beams for the porch to the roof. Pure chocolate -- with nuts! I grab a handful and shove it into my mouth, chewing rapidly. Barely is the first mouthful sent on its way to my stomach when a second one joins it, then a third. Soon I am stuffing my face eagerly with both hands.

I barely pay heed as the door creaks ominously on its hinges and a small, black-clad figure scampers out. Gee, that looks suspiciously like a wicked witch. What's up with this? You'd think that witches in other countries would at least try to be original. She waves her arms and cackles as I finish up with the roof and begin on the licorice window slats. After ten minutes, however, her arms get tired and her cackles begin to fade off. Then she begins to stamp her foot and shake her fist at me. Apparently she's disappointed that I haven't been fattened up enough. All of this eating is burning up a lot of energy. I'll probably end up losing a few pounds. The witch dances around angrily and screams angry words at me. I can't tell if it's an arcane witch ritual or just an angry German resident. Hmmm.

Movement at the edge of the woods catches my eye. I turn towards the motion to see two small children step out from behind the cover of the treeline. The little girl is clutching the small boy's hand, looking tired and scared. Both have adorable blond ringlets and blue eyes. The girl is dressed in a charming dirndl dress and rubs furtively at the tears that trickle from her eyes. The children's eyes light up as they catch sight of the candy cottage. Their gaunt, haunted cheeks twitch into a smile as they run towards the candy.

"No! I saw it first!" I scream. The children hesitate, looking at each other in confusion, then at me. The witch rubs her hands together gleefully. As the little boy reaches for a candy cane, I snarl angrily and bare my teeth. The little children scream and run off into the woods, the witch cavorting angrily below.

Suddenly a noise reaches my ears, causing me to pause in my feast. "Becky!" loud voices call. I glance down at the house, which has been nearly consumed to its foundations. Well, I guess I've had enough for now. I grab a chunk of peanut brittle for the road and head off towards the voices.

"There you are!" Erin exclaims as I step out from the trees. "What happened? How did you get chocolate smeared on your face?"

"I found a candy house!" I beam happily.

"Uh-huh," she nods sarcastically. "You must have been holding out on us!"

"Hey, you guys!" Kerri interrupts. "Someone's coming this way! Maybe we can ask them where the castle is." I look down the winding road and, sure enough, a couple and their dog are heading our way.

"How do you ask if they speak English again?" Erin asks me.

"Uh..." I struggle to remember the words. I head over to the couple, wiping at the chocolate on my face with a tissue. "Spreiken Zee Onglish?" I ask them.

They look at each other, then at us. "Yes, a little," the man replies, heroically ignoring the way I have butchered his language. "It's down there, on the other side of the mountain."

"We climbed up the wrong side?" I shriek. "D'oh!! Is it really worth it to climb up the other side?"

"Well, we came up all this way, we might as well," Kerri says logically. "We all could use a bathroom."

"Besides," Erin grins, "we've got to go see the Great Vat!"

"Alright!" I cheer. "I could use something to wash down all this candy!"

The End (Endlich!)

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