My biggest fears I keep locked behind a big screen. I have done so since I was a teenager going through puberty. My teenage years were hell. I went through them like any other pimply adolescent trying to find my purpose in life, wondering why I had all these strange physical and psychological changes going on in my body. I went through a stage of admiring the opposite sex, and yes I was very interested in finding out all about them. However after completing the puberty cycle I developed two different sides to my interest in women. One was the normal attraction one has but after a while I developed another facet of admiration to the feminine persona. I started to look at, and admire the way women dressed, the way they looked, admiring their feminine ways and characteristics. I soon realised that I was also creating an image in my mind of how I would like to dress and the type of style and clothes I would use to develop the look I wanted. Imagining what it would be like to spend a short time dressed that way and do normal everyday activities like shopping, driving in the car, going to the cinama or the theatre, going for a meal or enjoying a social night out with friends. When looking at a women I found my thoughts commenting on their dress sense. I'd say to myself, that colour dress looks really good on her, or, I like the colour and design of that coat she’s wearing, or, I wouldn’t be seen dead wearing that outfit. The images gradually built up and I would experiment with trying different outfits on to see how they looked. What would it feel like to wear a skirt instead of trousers, a softer material blouse instead of cotton shirts, high heels instead of flat boring shoes. One of the strangest sensations was to feel the cold breeze against your legs whilst wearing a skirt instead of trousers. Ladies fashion is far more exciting than the male attire and there are far more variations in style.
Another aspect was how vulnerable I felt whilst walking down the street at night in the dark. I found myself thinking a lot more about my safety, walking where other people were instead of walking alone along a poorly lit street or car park.
I began to build up a feminine persona within, which created a curtain amount of guilt. I spent sleepless nights lying in bed, trying frantically to get to sleep. I lay there thinking how weird I was that all these thoughts of being dressed in feminine clothes were exciting me. I remember thinking to myself that these thoughts were totally unacceptable but these thoughts just wouldn’t go away. Even today I am still dealing with these feelings, although I have now accepted the fact that I am transgendered and love to dress as a woman!!
You are not an outcast, or even weird for wanting to dress as a woman! I believe that you are more in touch with your inner being and spiritual soul and are capable of using both male and female characteristics and feelings to help you through your life. People who are transgendered are indeed fortunate to be able to share experiences from both male and female situations. Whilst dressed as a woman I feel gentler, less tense, less aggressive more in touch with my feminine side. I also feel more inclined to demonstrate a greater compassion towards my fellow human beings. As a male the world feels aggressive, threatening and very competitive. The male orientated work environment is a place to boast of the latest conquests. How many pints they managed to down the night before, detailed description of why the referee was a complete plonker in the big match played the night before etc.
At the age of 37 I went through a very stressful and demanding time of my life. I had less time to crossdress and relax has my fem self. It was a testing time, one in which I left behind a lot of my feminine side and used my male aggressive persona to keep my head above water.
I’m now middle aged, not happy about it, wrinkles are showing a little more and I can’t jump as high has I use to or run as fast. In the past couple of years I have gone through laser treatment which was painful and in the beginning made my face look more like the surface of the moon. I only wish I had the courage to have gone for laser treatment earlier. The treatment would have worked well and I may have been able to get away with going out into public places a lot earlier than I did do. Don't get me wrong, if your thinking about laser treatment going through the discomfort is well worth it in the end, I once used dermablend when making up my face but I no longer need to apply it.
I’ve now continue to enjoy my fem social life and have made a few good friends on the way. I socialise in Birmingham's Tv friendly places and have even ventured out shopping a couple of times. I have started to write some of my adventures in my Out & About page, well, a couple of them at the moment, more to follow.

Please have a look around and if you feel inclined I'd would love you to sign my guest book, I do value other peoples points of view.

Lindsey