Final Thoughts Before I Leave You
A companion to Archipelago, a look at Fraser's thoughts in that moment in COTW1.
Now look what another fine mess I've got you into.
Stop it. You're getting hysterical.
This isn't your fight, you shouldn't have come here. I shouldn't have dragged you into this. Except you were already involved, undercover. Working with Muldoon.
"Ray!"
Was that my voice? I'm not sure. I can hear the word echo around the ceiling. It's taking so long to reach the floor, too long, and I should be with you. I see you fall, see you hit the ground. How could I let this happen?
I'm afraid I'm going to lose you.
Kowalski reaches you first. He appears genuinely concerned, for the first time since meeting his alter ego. I can't blame him for feeling like he does, but for the moment, none of that matters. I drop to the floor several feet earlier than I should, bruise my side with the rushed landing on dust, but I don't care. I can see you, so far away, and I have to be with you.
I'm not going to let you go. Not again.
I'm pushing Stanley aside to get to you, to take your hand in my own, to press my other hand against the wound in your chest. There's so much blood. Is this how you felt on the train station, after Victoria? So helpless.
You've been shot before, risked your life before. For me. In Chinatown the first time we met, and then in the hospital. Was it really so long ago? Except this time is different. More desperate.
I can't lose you. I can't.
Someone's shouting. Meg has reached the ground, and I can hear her yelling for help. Stanley's gone to call in the paramedics. You can hear me, can't you? I pray you can, over the noise. Over everything.
"Ray. Ray. Ray."
You blink at me. Hazel eyes. It still seems so long since I last saw you, and you seem older, more tired. How did you feel, all those months alone, pretending to be somebody else?
"Benny."
Voice of gravel. I can feel your hand squeeze mine gently, weakly, and I'm willing you to keep your eyes open.
Fight it. Fight it.
Your eyes are closing again. No. I can't let you go.
"Ray, stay with me."
A slight hint of hazel.
"Always."
And you close your eyes.
Someone's pulling me away. Stanley. I let him pull me back, allow the paramedics to reach you. And I'm willing you to live, praying. I never thought I could feel so helpless, so much it hurts. I can't save you. You're alone, again, just when I got you back.
I'm sorry. It's all my fault. Seeing the hotel door open, seeing your face. I never thought, just said your name, couldn't believe what I saw.
Stupid. I could have got us all killed. Blew your cover. And how am I punished? You save my life and risk your own, just like before.
I never told you how I feel. How I never got to say goodbye. How it hurt when you left. How I owe you so much, and I never said anything.
I want to kill Muldoon for what he's done. To my mother. To you.
I want to protect you, and when I should have been there you were gone, and when you return I lose you all over again.
Except I'm not going to lose you. I'm not.
They're lifting you up on a gurney and there's room for me to move closer, to touch your hand. Lifting you up.
Francesca will never forgive me.
These characters are not mine, I only borrowed them and promise to put them back when I'm done! Comments appreciated.