Shifting Winds
Authors Notes: I could be totally sappy and sentimental and say I thought up this whilst listening to Sarah McLachlan, but I didn't. To be honest, I wrote most of it in my coffee break at work, and the rest when I was supposed to be awake in my English lesson. If you want a song then listen to Babybird's 'Back Together.'
Set: Some point during Season Four. Decide for yourself whether Fraser ever recieved the letter or not.
Hey Fraser - guess who!
God, Benny, I miss you. I miss mom, and Franny, and Welsh, and on the bad days I even miss the Duck Brothers, but . . . Somedays I miss you so bad it hurts inside, the days when I think this stupid job is never gonna end, the days when I start to think I'll never get home.
I didn't think it was going to be like this. I miss Chicago. I hate it here, this place, the people. I thought it was going to be different. After Irene died I started to like the idea of being someone else, anyone else, even for a little while. But now I don't know who I am, if I'm this new guy, or something else. Everyday I lose a little piece of myself and I'm afraid I'll wake up one morning to discover there's nothing left except the lies, and I'm not sure if I can ever get the old Ray back.
I got told they gave you a new partner, that there's some guy running around Chicago pretending to be me. They never told me that part, when they offered me this job, but then they left out a lot of stuff I wish I'd known before. Like never getting to say goodbye. I hope you got the postcard - hell, I know you did. See what tricks I've picked up from you? I almost said 'thank you kindly' to some store owner the other day. Maybe when this is all over I'll get offered Canadian citizenship, huh?
I never really understood how you felt about living in Chicago, getting forced from your home. But now . . . I never thought I could feel so alone yet be surrounded by so many people.
I bet mom almost had a heart attack when they told her. You're watching out for her, aren't you? Hell, of course you are. You watch out for everybody.
There's so much I never told you. Somedays I think I'll never get the chance. I owe you so much. And Franny . . . she likes you, you know. I mean, really likes you. She never told me, not in words, not straight out, but Franny's even worse keeping her own secrets than she is other people's. When she came to you that one night, I figured it was just, I dunno, hormones or something. You tend to bring that out in women. But here, at night, I get a lot of time to think about things. Franny believes she loves you. She doesn't realise that love can be misleading, that you can be deceived into believing there's something there when really, it's just a fear of being alone. I guess you know that better than anyone.
Victoria. We've never really talked about her, did we? She almost killed you and then I did it for her. Almost. God, if things had gone differently . . .
I don't think I've ever been so afraid. Afraid of losing what's left of me. Like waking up from a long dream only to find out there's nothing to wake up to, and you don't know which is the dream and which is real. I'm losing myself and I can't do anything to stop it.
Oh man, Benny, I want so badly to just phone you up, tell you to come get me, or to hop on the next plane back to Chicago and be back in time for mom's meatballs and pasta. God, I miss mom's cooking. I miss the Riv. And I miss being me.
Victoria. I can't lie and say I understand what she did to you, what you felt after she hurt you. After I hurt you. I know love can blind you, make you do stupid things, believe lies, but Victoria . . . she would have destroyed you. And then I did it for her. I don't know if you remember - we never talked about it - but back on the train station, after I . . . after, you told me that you wanted to be with her. That you should be with her. And I took that away from you. Took her away from you. I never understood, never listened to you when I should have, and I hate myself for that. When Diefenbaker bit you, you tried to tell me and I never saw. Love does stupid things, even to a wolf. Love blinds you to the truth, to the fact that you can't ever be together, that love just doesn't always cut it. And then fate takes her away from you, whether it's a bullet in the back or . . .
I don't even know if I'll send this letter. I shouldn't, it breaks the rules, but I don't care anymore. Living in this huge house, with servants, pretending to be a . . . pretending to be something I'm not. That's exactly the same thing you said to me when we first met. Pretending to be something I'm not. God, that hurt, but I deserved it. You know you're the only person I ever met who has been completely honest with me. Except over Victoria. We both really screwed up over her.
I wish I could have said goodbye. I want to say so much to you, to try and explain for all the times I've screwed up and we never talked about it, about the times when I thought I was losing you. But this - just to leave, and never tell you, never tell you I was going. And now this new guy's taken my place and I just hope there's something to go back to. He's taken over my life and I want it back.
I want everything back. Back the way it was. Before this. Make me a promise, Benny. Tell me that you won't forget, that you won't just move on. Promise that when this thing is over you'll be waiting for me, for me to come back to. Promise me.
Ray.
These characters are not mine, I only borrowed them and promise to put them back when I'm done! Comments appreciated.