Author: Dark Stitch
Rating: R-NC17
Disclaimer: Don't own anything in the fic, all characters belong to themselves. This is purely fictional.
Reviews: Peppy200213@yahoo.com
Confusion
Chris glared down at me from where he stood in front of me, his dark eyes red with unshed tears. “What the hell is this?!” he yelled, waving around a printout. I looked at him from where I sat on the couch in his apartment watching TV, confused. “What are you talking about?” I asked, and not very nicely I might add. But he was out of nowhere yelling at me, and I was unsure of what it was about. He threw the paper down into my lap, and I picked it up, afraid of what it might say that would upset him so much. I began to read it, my sky blue eyes moving slowly. Ok, so it was an article on our team.. what Lewie was doing with us. Something after the main article about a guy Iggy used to know, and then another about....Oh shit. There staring me right in the face, mocking me, was the article I KNEW must be the one he was referring to. It read: “NOTEBOOK: Brett Hull hasn't expressed any unhappiness, but something may be amiss. In an interview with the Ft. Worth Star-Telegram, Hull's old teammate in Dallas, Mike Modano, said this about Hull: "I still talk to him all the time, and he's hoping to come back here again. He'd love to get traded tomorrow." Hull did not make himself available to reporters. . . . “ ( http://www.freep.com/sports/redwings/wcorn19_20021019.htm ) “Chris, I....” I began, he cut me off though, angrier then I’d ever seen him. “You’re that eager to leave me? Am I that dissatisfying? You fuckin’ said you loved me!” he cried, his face flushed in anger. I opened my mouth, planing on explaining what I felt... “When were you gonna tell me you didn’t care about me anymore? Never? Or were you gonna flaunt over the phone once you got there?!” he was crying now, and I was in shock. I’d never in our 17 years of friendship and nearly a year of being lovers seen him cry. Not once. His eyes have teared up over things, like when we first got together, but never had he actually cried. I was surprised to feel a sharp stab of pain in my chest. But Chris hadn’t touched me. “Why?” he asked, his voice unsteady, his face wet with streaks of salty tears. There it was again, that pain. Chris was waiting, his emotions so strongly affecting him he was panting. Surprisingly, my voice was calm. I looked up at him, my face blank. I was just relaying a statement anyway. “I just told him what he wanted to hear.” I said in my normal tone of voice, unconcerned. What was his deal? Chris looked stunned. “Is that all? And what about me? Do you just tell me what I want to hear?” he asked, his voice soft now, but it carried a worried undertone. Again that pain. What the fuck was wrong with me? I looked him straight in the eye. “Yeah, so?” His face ... I will never forget the look, I know I won’t. What I see there, plain as day, is agony. Mostly his eyes tell the story. I see his jaw tighten. He shakes his head , more tears falling. “You bastard. I believed you! I believed everything you said to me Brett! Why did you do this to me? I thought we were friends at least!” That pain again, stronger now. Was I having a heart attack? What the hell? Now my head hurt. Why did he care so much? I made him feel better saying that stuff didn’t I? How was that wrong? “I slept with you, thinking you loved me Brett. And now you tell me it was nothing to you?” I shrugged, “So we fucked. It was good. What more do you want from me?” Damnit, the pain is not going away, in fact it’s getting worse. What’d he do? Poison me? He drops his face into his hand for a moment, then looks up at me. “I love you Brett... but now I’m not so sure...” his body was shaking, I could tell. Wait... he loves me? He’d never said it before, I figured he was in the same frame of mind I was... he was a good partner, and it helped he was a close friend. “I thought you felt the same, but...” he sniffled a bit, composing himself. “Since it means nothing to you, I shouldn’t let it bother me.” He smiled, but it was a false one, and... That pain was throbbing steadily in my chest now. He swallowed, and his chin quivered a little, “I hope you’re happy with your next ‘lover’.” He turned, walking over to the door. He opened it, waiting. I stood, knowing what he expected. I walked over, looking at him once more before I turned and left. The door closed behind me, and I could swear I heard sobbing on the other side. All I could think of though was the throbbing pain that was spreading from my chest to the rest of my body.
It’s been a month since Cheli kicked me out. A month since I had him in my arms. Where the fuck did that come from? I ain’t a frickin’ sap. I could care less. Sure, I miss the sex, and he was a good friend. A great friend, my best friend. But that’s over now I guess. Boyd was an easy lay. I knew he had a thing for me, I was just never interested. I mean, when you have Cheli at yer disposal, why would you want anyone else? Devs acts like he knows this isn’t serious, and I learned with Cheli words are important. I have to be careful what I say to him. Or before I know it, even Sergei won’t have me. That pain hasn’t gone away yet. I’m thinking of going to a doctor. I see Boyd looking at me sometimes and I can tell he’s wondering who I was so occupied with before. No one knew Cheli and I were together. At least we never let on. Chris was careful about that. He was worried we’d be found out. It never happened though. Boyd walks into the kitchen where I’m eating a bowl of Cheerio’s. He smiles at me briefly, grabbing the orange juice out of the fridge. “I wish you’d tell me.” he says simply, and I know what he’s talking about. He’s said that to me so many times before. “Devs, I told you, he probly wouldn’t want you knowin’.” I take another bite, and I watch as he shakes his head. “Not that. I want to know what it is that bothers you so much... you seem to be getting worse.” he says softly, and I touch my chest, the source of the pain. “I know, I’ve been thinking I should see a doctor. It is getting bad.” Devs smiles at me, what looked to be sadly. I look at him in confusion. “I don’t think it’s anything like that.” he pauses, and I take the moment to ponder what he may be getting at. “You hurt him, didn’t you?” Boyd asks, and I freeze, slowly lifting my eyes to meet his. He continues, “And it’s been eating at you. It hurts bad doesn’t it?” I glare at him, he knows too much. But why does it hurt? Can he tell me that? Stupid kid, thinks he knows more than me. “You love him.” he says it so softly I almost miss it. What?! No, that doesn’t make sense, why, how...I do not. I can’t. I told myself it’d never happen. I’ve never loved anyone, and I never will. That way, I can never be hurt. No one to worry about hurting. No one to depend on. I’m responsible for me and me alone. Screw everybody else. The pain grows again, and I wonder what the hell is going on. Maybe I am dying. “I don’t think so.” I snap. Wait, what?! I never lose my cool. What the hell is going on? He flinches a bit. The pain makes itself known again, and I get that headache, the one that’s been plaguing me since I left Cheli. Fuck, he probably put some voodoo curse on me. “Brett, I can tell something is wrong. You never smile anymore. As hard as I try to get you to you won’t. At least when you were with him you were happy. I asked myself ‘what am I if I can’t make him happy’? And I realized you’re hiding behind me Brett. You’re trying to forget him by... being with me. But it’s not working, at least not on a subconscious level. Can’t you tell you need him? “ The pain sends waves out, and I feel ill. My stomach lurches. “Shut up.” I grumble, and his eyes widen in fear. He says no more, but he’s done his damage. Then I say to myself, “I’ve never loved anyone, why would I love him out of everyone else?” Practice that day is rough, the guys all seem restless, worn out, I don’t know. Just, off. I find my self looking at Cheli more and more, but he doesn’t seem to notice I’m alive. It hasn’t really bugged me up until now. Or has it? The pain is always more vicious when he’s around. What the fuck? Was the kid right? I look at Cheli, working through the drills. I shake my head. Nah, never. And anyhow, I’d never allow it. Jiri leans in close to Chris, and I feel another stab into my chest, but this time, it feels.. different. It seems more... angry then sad. Sad? What? Is that the ‘pain’ ? I shake off the thought, continuing my laps with the others. “Watch out Hully, I don’t think tackling the net is one of our drills today,” Malts laughs at me as I narrowly avoid the object. After practice we stumble into the locker room, stripping down, filing into the showers. I realize I haven’t really seen him much since the fight we had. Maybe I wasn’t paying attention, I don’t know. We’ve had plenty of games since then. Most of them went terribly, this team wasn’t trying hard enough. I couldn’t do it all for them, Geez. Chris enters the showers, and I can’t help but let my eyes wander over his dark body. He’s well built, silk skin sliding easily over steel muscles. And god was he tight. I find my mind flashing scenes past my eyes, times when we were together. Him beneath me, smiling as I leaned over him. Him writhing as I pleasured him. Gods, I’d never felt like that with anyone else. Did that mean... No. Jiri comes up and takes the stall next to him, and I find myself detecting that jab in my chest again. It doesn’t replace, but it rather adds too the current ache I feel in my chest. I know my gaze is narrowing. I don’t like this kid, Jiri, being all over Chris with his eyes. Doesn’t Cheli notice? At that moment I watch as Chris looks up at him, giving him a grin. Well, fuck.
To be continued
