It doesn't matter how much time has past we wear two faces!
How do we know when to change our face?
We have no idea. It happens without our even thinking about it.
Who knows when we change our face? Three of us do!
God, my child and I know! What are these two faces?
The first face is the one, with our pretend smile and laugh.
It is the one that looks straight into the eyes of the stranger, friends or family and tells them, I am fine or I am doing great, "see how far I have come."
It is the one that asks the question, without speaking the words, do you have any idea of my pain? You know they will never understand, but you want them to so much. Do we frighten everyone away with our look of desperation and sadness? I am sure that we have.
When people see us, could it be that we feel even more separated from life when we notice them looking away? Do we scare them by our mere presence?
What is it that one can say to a bereaved parent?
The answer is NOTHING, absolutely nothing. Why do people always try to fix us?
All we need is someone to listen, without judging or trying to make us feel better. A smile would be nice. Nothing will change our hurt but time and then, just the intensity of it.
The second face we wear lies deep within us, in our heart and soul. It is the one that we won't allow anyone to be near. It is Holy and Sacred ground. It is the place that we go to in our darkest moments.
It is the one that no one really ever sees except God and our child. It is the face that appears in the middle of the night when we are alone. It is the face that expresses the unbelievable emptiness and gut wrenching pain of our loss.
It is the one that breaks us down and reduces us to tears, when we think we just saw a glimpse or heard the familiar voice of our child. It could be in the marketplace, or while shopping, or at a restaurant, anywhere. It is the one that brings us to our knee's and makes us ask over and over WHY GOD, WHY? Even Jesus asked His Father, "Why God" as He hung on the cross. We are in good company.
We must each walk this path in our own way and in our own time. No one has the right to tell us when to start or when to finish. Or to say to us, "get over it" My child was never an "IT." Only we will know when to begin and when we have completed our journey.
We can't ask someone to walk it for us, or we will never begin to heal from our deep painful wounds. I've been told that one day, beautiful and happy memories will replace the sad, ugly and lonely ones. Whether that is true, I don't know, but I am willing to find out. What I do know is, that I must walk the path to healing so my child will not see me die in the darkness and loneliness of my own despair.
God Bless You My Sweet Amanda
Always and Forever
Love Your Daddy
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