A MTF Bystander
I received this from a MTF-male to female transgendered person.
I was married for 8 years before I got divorced and started transitioned
(the same day, it happens). We had a really hard time having
children. It took 4 years of fertility treatments, but finally, my ex got
pregnant. My first born was a girl. I loved her so much that it's
hard to talk about it. I never attached that much to my son, who was born
two years later. Probably mostly because when I left, my daughter was 3
and my son was only 1. She had a personality in a way that he didn't, and I
guess I never really had a chance to get to know him.
They're going to be 9 and 7 this month. I haven't seen them since Ii left. And my ex has cut off all contact between us. I should probably talk more about that, but it's kind of painful. Understatement of the year.
What complicates things is that it's so hard for me to remember what it was like before I transitioned. I can't really remember being "Daddy". It seems like something that happened to someone else. Also, if I hadn't found a way to kind of cauterize the would, I wouldn't be able to function.
And then there's my little girl now. She's just over a year old. My partner and I knew that we both wanted children before we really started going out. I remember sitting with her a cafe at a museum we'd gone to together, and her asking me if I thought I 'd want to have children. I don't think I realized at the time that the answer to that question was a potential deal breaker, as far as our moving deeper into a relationship was concerned, but it wouldn't have mattered. I told her yes, of course I wanted children. This was actually the day after I told her that Ii was TS, so her question was really whether I'd want to have children again.
Again, it took us awhile. We went through fertility treatments for a year. Or she did, rather. My partner used in vitro fertilization (IVF) and that worked. We did this in Israel, where the health funds pay for the treatment. They didn't entirely cover the drugs, and the first few attempts at AI, they didn't cover the sperm either. In Israel, all donor sperm must be anonymous, by law. That doesn't mean it always is, of course, but we did this through a hospital, which means that we know next to nothing about the donor. We needed to know what his Rh factor was when my partner was near the end of the pregnancy, because she's Rh-. They wouldn't even tell us his blood type; just that his was Rh- as well.
This time, physically, at least, I was a bystander. Though not really. I was hit hard by her pheremones while she was pregnant. Putting on water weight and having the weirdest cravings. I know that she was pregnant, and that we weren't, but we went through a lot of it together.
We both wanted for me to be able to co-nurse. But that's a tricky thing. I know lesbian couples who have tired, and some have been more successful than others. I t usually helps if the no-birth mom has been pregnant before. In my case, that obviously wasn't the situation.
I did wind up getting a few drops of colostrum, which got mixed into the milk that my partner was pumping while our danger was in the neonatal unit. And a few drops of milk afterwards. But not much more than that. Maybe if Ii 'd taken some kind of milk-stimulation hormones, I would have had more success, but it's unlikely.
Anyway, my issues with my daughter now are the same, pretty much, as any lesbian non-bio mom. We're hoping to do a second parent adoption soon.
Lesbian Partner of an MTF